To feel a bit 'icky' after seeing partners internet history?

[IfIWasAFlowerGrowingWildAndFre]

When using DPs phone yesterday I went to close some of the open pages on the internet and noticed one of them was porn. Now, I dont usually have an issue with porn, and whilst it's not something DP chooses to discuss with me, I am aware he watches it. The title of the particular video was something along the lines of 'dad watches daughter fuck stepmom'. Though I didnt look in depth I'm fairly certain it was more a role play scenario rather than incest, but given I am a 'stepmom' to his DD it feels pretty grim knowing he's getting off on that sort of thing.
A nosey through his internet history would suggest he watches that particular 'genre's often, and as I can see the times hes visited these sites, hes watching it whilst telling me he is going for a nap during the day (too tired to come to the park with me and DD, but not too tired for a wank),or late at night when he is downstairs 'relaxing' rather than coming to bed with me. He is often too tired for sex, and we dont have a great sex life anymore so it's a bit of a kick in the teeth.
Aibu to tell him what I've seen and that I'm uncomfortable with it?

I can’t begin to describe how sick this has made me feel. The dynamic itself is vile, and I’d be LTB and likely mentioning for his ex to keep an eye on your SD.

However I don’t agree with watching porn in the first place, as you simply cannot tell when it crosses into abuse a lot of the time, and when women are being forced into it.
That and it makes women out to be nothing more than sexual objects, who should enjoy all the boring shitty aspects of a man mindless ploughing away at them.

CherryColouredTwist

exactly.

Maybe they don't want to be raped in real life (who wo% uld?) but when I was a teenager I did know quite a few girls at school who did fantasise about their first sexual experience being someone raping them.
I did not question it at the time (1980s) but the very fact that was indeed the case for a not insignificant % of girls I knew was (and still is) very disturbing and would I think be the exact predicted reason for the retort of any man who raped a young girl - "Well she wanted it"

Society is really messed up and sadly things have not changed in those last 3 decades - why otherwise would grown women (probably those exact same girls I knew) want to watch rape porn in the first place?

Of course not all men who watch porn will end up doing it - but the twisted causes and consequences of a lot of sexual violence must be to some degree contributed to by porn.

Ew he called it that. That make it ten times worse. That he genuinely fanaticises about daughters having sex with their step mothers when That’s exactly your situation. Gross.

Being abducted is apparently quite a common fantasy.

@OneForMeToo

Ew he called it that. That make it ten times worse. That he genuinely fanaticises about daughters having sex with their step mothers when That’s exactly your situation. Gross.

I just can't imagine that he hasn't visualised or fantasised about his family and real life in that sense. The mind will go there, if he's looking at this stuff. But he'll dismiss it as 'just a fantasy'.

I never replied to the message he sent... I've just recieved an apology, apparently he fucked up. He's not wrong.
I've asked about the preference for women who look like his ex wife, when he is not looking for women pretending to be children, he claims it's pure coincidence.
Its not coincidence to find women of the same nationality, accent, hair colour and body type.
Hes also spinning some shite about how this isn't the reason we dont have sex aswell, apparently he is genuinely just too tired and has a low sex drive. Even through text I can hear the whiney, woe is me tone in his voice, it's so pathetic I can't eye roll big enough.
Weve been together 4 years and have our own DD, aswell as SD who I'm close to, yet I'm weirdly calm about ending the relationship as yet.
Not sure whether to tell his ex wife, I'm not concerned for the safe guarding of SD and she has a lot of form for blowing things out of proportion, I need to think about that some more.

This would piss me off. A lot. I'm fine with open until it affects my sex life. Then I become not fine.

And the subject is vile. I'm sick of incest porn - over lockdown half the men in the country are watching porn about banging your teenage (step) daughter or boys banging their (step) sister. Fucks sake.

It must be having an effect how can it not.

If this was me I'd sit down all faux concerned and say that I was worried after stumbling across his internet history that he wanted me to sleep with his daughter and was that a fantasy? He will go white. Perhaps then he will actually think about this shit.

It's not harmless fun to constantly be presenting the women and girls in your home as sexual fodder ready to throw themselves at you. If I was a mother of a teenage daughter and had a husband or teenage step son who watched this I'd be deeply uncomfortable.

I asked him how he would feel about some one else imagining me and SD in the scenarios he watches online, just realised he hasn't bothered to reply to that.

Its shorthand for older woman and younger woman

No, it isn't!

Granted, amongst gay men you can find daddy/boy or uncle/nephew mentioned not in terms of actual familial relationships, but as a shorthand for older man and younger man.

You can occasionally find daddy/boy mentioned amongst some lesbians 'borrowing' terms from gay male porn.

But I've never seen it used as 'shorthand' for anything within the lesbian community.

And the user here isn't female. Which tells you all you need to know really, some bloke who gets off on not just 'lesbian' scenarios, and not just older woman/younger woman, but the pseudo-incest kick as well.

Nothing to do with actual lesbians. But then it is porn.

Cross posts OP. Amazed at his arrogance and quite frankly shocked at how he doesn't seem to get it. There is no way on earth this is ok.

It’s a very very specific search.

@IfIWasAFlowerGrowingWildAndFre

I never replied to the message he sent... I've just recieved an apology, apparently he fucked up. He's not wrong. I've asked about the preference for women who look like his ex wife, when he is not looking for women pretending to be children, he claims it's pure coincidence. Its not coincidence to find women of the same nationality, accent, hair colour and body type. Hes also spinning some shite about how this isn't the reason we dont have sex aswell, apparently he is genuinely just too tired and has a low sex drive. Even through text I can hear the whiney, woe is me tone in his voice, it's so pathetic I can't eye roll big enough. Weve been together 4 years and have our own DD, aswell as SD who I'm close to, yet I'm weirdly calm about ending the relationship as yet. Not sure whether to tell his ex wife, I'm not concerned for the safe guarding of SD and she has a lot of form for blowing things out of proportion, I need to think about that some more.

If he has such a low sex drive, why is he searching for porn? I don't buy it.

I have noticed that this (the low libido thing) is a common response from men who have fetishes that their partners cannot or won't participate in. They take refuge in porn instead, claim they have a low sex drive to avoid sex with an actual person, but that porn becomes their sex life while the partner's sexual needs are neglected.

I dated a porn addict once (before I worked out what he was.) He avoided sex with me at every opportunity, but was wanking off every day to porn. Claimed he had a low sex drive too.

Life doesn't always work out as we hope, OP. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and set about making your new life. All the best.

@myohmywhatawonderfulday

To be honest I disagree with the ‘he gave up mutual cooperation when he started secretly watching porn’.

Obviously the OP can do whatever she wants but since she’s here asking for opinions I’ve given mine. It seems very hasty to me to not even attempt a conversation with her own husband over this. Perhaps your relationship differs from mine, but if my partner and I were in this position, I know I could explain my feelings to him and he would take them seriously. I would also listen to his explanation and try to understand where he was coming from.

Even if you’ve decided to break up with someone it’s better IMO to wait till you get home and have the conversation in person.

The OP wondered if she is being hasty. And yes, I think she is being hasty.

Have you told him you are going to leave?

Regardless of him being sorry or wanting to change, I wouldn't be able to sleep with or respect a man who's Go to favourite fantasy was that. I couldn't have sex with them.

It doesn't make it any better to know that other people look at it. In fact it's seriously amiss if this sort of porn has become normalised.

Surely most people have a psychological block preventing them from being turned on by the idea of a dad watching his daughter have sex with her step mother. It's more repulsive because that is his exact family dynamic.

He's a father of a pubescent daughter for God's sake. He's also leaving his phone lying about with these pages open. Just No.

oh im so glad this thread isnt full of the usual desperate porn apologists.

"but how will the poor man wank if he cant watch this?!"

op he sounds gross and a lousy partner - dont put up with it, only people with a very, very low bar would want to live with this loser.

If you go on something like Pornhub, practically the entire front page will be stepdaughter, stepsister, stepson captioned stuff, even where the actors look exactly the same age as each other. It’s one of the reasons sites like that are so damaging. He won’t have had to look or do any searching at all - this will have just been presented to him. It doesn’t make it any less icky but it’s entirely possible that this isn’t a fetish of his at all, it’s just what came up on the front page and he didn’t go any further to find something which wasn’t that.

Ah I didn’t read past the first page and have missed some backstory. Ignore previous post!

He won’t have had to look or do any searching at all - this will have just been presented to him

Except OP says she’s found evidence that he’s used that specific search term loads of times.

I would not be able to get past this. Sorry for you OP

Just the thought of him getting off to this while his daughter and stepmother are downstairs..urgh.

I'm sorry op, your head must be all over the place.

I will say this though; When you break up with him you need to tell him in no uncertain terms that he cannot risk exposing his daughter to this by leaving these tabs open on his devices.
It's a small blessing that it was you that stumbled on this and not his 12 year-old.

His search history suggests hes actively looking for those specific videos, rather than just clicking the first one that comes up.
I certainly want time away from him at the very least to think things through.
I'm not exactly sure how we move forward from this though. He would rather stay down stairs on a night and wank over mums and stepdaughter or women who look like his ex wife, tha come up stairs and have any form of intimacy with me? Hes been using the excuse of he is tired to stay home and watch these videos rather than participate in family life.
The videos, as far as I can see, are all legal so I wont be mentioning it further to anyone else, unless anything else comes to light which would give evidence to him being a threat to anyone.
I also feel weird about telling him he cant watch them if he wants us to stay together, hes an adult, watching legal, adult content. Just because I dont like it (and clearly I'm not in the minority) doesn't change the fact he isnt technically doing anything wrong.

I've had a brief chat with him since I've been home. Hes clarified more that it isnt so much the SD/SM that is the turn on, but the thought of it being very taboo (though there are lots of taboo things in porn that dont mirror our family so closely so not sure how I feel about that justification).
I have fantasies which he knows about, he could have brought up things like this during any of the conversations weve had, but instead he chose to keep it a secret so he must know there's something wrong about what hes watching.
I've confronted him over the timing when hes watching porn, such as when I'm out with the children, and apparently it's the only time he would get to watch it and have 'alone time '.. wellies, hes a parent, we dont get much alone time. I certainly dont get to masturbated 2 or 3 times a week, alone in an empty house, nor do I kick him out with the children to do it. The whole thing still isnt sitting right with me. Our relationship is a but rocky anyway, he is often present physically but very distant emotionally with me and SD and DD, and he has had form for lying in the past (often about trivial things, but it makes it hard to trust him), and this latest thing feels like the final straw.

SmileyClare.. I have impressed the seriousness of that upon him, I believe him when he says it was a genuine accident not closing the tab (not that it would make it much better had SD seen it), I've never seen anything like that open on his phone before, though until now I've never checked his search history either and I suspect SD will know how to do that, so perhaps even just having those links in the history is every bit as bad.

@Bubblebu

Greentree

"He doesn't watch it often, but he does sometimes, and I can accept that because I understand that I can't control another person"

But consider this. My ex husband on the one occasion I discovered him watching some porn (it was grim) was extremely defensive, first he said "but all men do it all the time don't be a prude it is totally normal, then gave me the whole "how very dare you" look at my internet history, almost immediately after saying to me "but I hardly ever look at it anyway" etc

From that day onward in our marriage I noticed that if I ever went out alone with the kids (he encouraged me to do this often) and then I had to use the family computer for some reason on my return home the browsing history was always BLANK.

He never ever dropped the ball after that - always totally BLANK (suspicious in itself but I see now I was a slow learner).

And if I ever used his mobile say in the car when we were out on another occasion to send a work text, his text history was always BLANK and his phone call history was always BLANK

I did not ask him about it at the time (because I was a doormat) but there was zero evidence, not just of porn use but of ANYTHING.

He left me for a work colleague (they are married but I have heard that relationship is now breaking down - but I would bet a million quid the start of his affair involved "my wife is such a prude she does not understand me etc".

And I have since discovered his porn habit during our marriage was PROLIFIC.

What is my point?
Well it would be this:

• how do you know your partner only watches it occasionally? You just don't (unless he only ever watches it with you and you have proof of this or he tells you every single time he watches it and you have proof he is telling the truth which personally I struggle to imagine a relationship as transparent as this) and

• the responses he gave me on that one occasion strike me now as the exact same kind of response someone who is having an affair but does not want the end of their marriage when they are finally confront would give (eg "everyone has extra marital affairs don't be such a prude, if you were not so frigid I would not have had an affair etc)

In my mind there are clear parallels.

And finally a "funny" story. One of my female best friends was on a train commuting into London. The gentleman on the other side of the aisle was watching porn on his phone quite openly and visibly (sound on) and his other hand was - you can guess. My friend tried to ignore him and decided to put on some make up ready for work that morning. Said man noticed my friend putting on makeup and turned off the porn temporarily to reprimand her for putting on make up on public transport "because it is unhygienic anti social and disgusting".
Then he went back to watching his porn. My friend (being a bit of an introvert) dutifully put away her make up bag.
And in my mind THIS is exactly why a significant percentage of women describe themselves without thinking much about it as a "porn prude".

I understand what you're saying, and I'm sorry your ex husband was such a dick. My DH has no reason to lie to me about it, I don't have a problem with him watching it. I would obviously rather he didn't, but that's on me.

Either way, if he did watch it more than he says he does, I would just think it was odd that he bothered lying when I've never told him not to. We also don't discuss it really because I don't want to know about things like that. How he wanks is his business, I think people are entitled to their own private time and don't have to share all of it with a partner, unless it interfers with the relationship, which in the ops case, it seems that it is.