Greentree
"He doesn't watch it often, but he does sometimes, and I can accept that because I understand that I can't control another person"
But consider this. My ex husband on the one occasion I discovered him watching some porn (it was grim) was extremely defensive, first he said "but all men do it all the time don't be a prude it is totally normal, then gave me the whole "how very dare you" look at my internet history, almost immediately after saying to me "but I hardly ever look at it anyway" etc
From that day onward in our marriage I noticed that if I ever went out alone with the kids (he encouraged me to do this often) and then I had to use the family computer for some reason on my return home the browsing history was always BLANK.
He never ever dropped the ball after that - always totally BLANK (suspicious in itself but I see now I was a slow learner).
And if I ever used his mobile say in the car when we were out on another occasion to send a work text, his text history was always BLANK and his phone call history was always BLANK
I did not ask him about it at the time (because I was a doormat) but there was zero evidence, not just of porn use but of ANYTHING.
He left me for a work colleague (they are married but I have heard that relationship is now breaking down - but I would bet a million quid the start of his affair involved "my wife is such a prude she does not understand me etc".
And I have since discovered his porn habit during our marriage was PROLIFIC.
What is my point?
Well it would be this:
- how do you know your partner only watches it occasionally? You just don't (unless he only ever watches it with you and you have proof of this or he tells you every single time he watches it and you have proof he is telling the truth which personally I struggle to imagine a relationship as transparent as this) and
- the responses he gave me on that one occasion strike me now as the exact same kind of response someone who is having an affair but does not want the end of their marriage when they are finally confront would give (eg "everyone has extra marital affairs don't be such a prude, if you were not so frigid I would not have had an affair etc)
In my mind there are clear parallels.
And finally a "funny" story. One of my female best friends was on a train commuting into London. The gentleman on the other side of the aisle was watching porn on his phone quite openly and visibly (sound on) and his other hand was - you can guess. My friend tried to ignore him and decided to put on some make up ready for work that morning. Said man noticed my friend putting on makeup and turned off the porn temporarily to reprimand her for putting on make up on public transport "because it is unhygienic anti social and disgusting".
Then he went back to watching his porn. My friend (being a bit of an introvert) dutifully put away her make up bag.
And in my mind THIS is exactly why a significant percentage of women describe themselves without thinking much about it as a "porn prude".