To feel a bit 'icky' after seeing partners internet history?

[IfIWasAFlowerGrowingWildAndFre]

When using DPs phone yesterday I went to close some of the open pages on the internet and noticed one of them was porn. Now, I dont usually have an issue with porn, and whilst it's not something DP chooses to discuss with me, I am aware he watches it. The title of the particular video was something along the lines of 'dad watches daughter fuck stepmom'. Though I didnt look in depth I'm fairly certain it was more a role play scenario rather than incest, but given I am a 'stepmom' to his DD it feels pretty grim knowing he's getting off on that sort of thing.
A nosey through his internet history would suggest he watches that particular 'genre's often, and as I can see the times hes visited these sites, hes watching it whilst telling me he is going for a nap during the day (too tired to come to the park with me and DD, but not too tired for a wank),or late at night when he is downstairs 'relaxing' rather than coming to bed with me. He is often too tired for sex, and we dont have a great sex life anymore so it's a bit of a kick in the teeth.
Aibu to tell him what I've seen and that I'm uncomfortable with it?

Can understand why it’s made you feel uncomfortable but I don’t think it follows that he has thoughts like that about you guys. A lot of porn is like that – breaking taboos. It might be the sort of thing he’s watched for a long time, completely predating his own family. If it’s really bothered you then speak to him. He hasn’t done anything ‘wrong’ but it’s a problem if it really bothers you. It’s kind of irrelevant what other people on mumsnet think about it imo. It’s entirely personal to you.

Smile

"Their expectations about sex were so deeply at odds with reality"

but that is surely the very point - they invariably try to make their expectations THE reality irrespective of what their sexual partner wants....

terrifying.

i did watch a bit of porn with my ex husband eons ago and thought "well a bit of mutual porn consumption between us, or even if he watched a bit of porn in his hotel room on a business trip - that is fine" but now i sense it has got so out of hand I find it really difficult not to have changed my mind and move more towards the porn prude end of the spectrum.

and if it carries on the way it is or gets worse - i really suspect my son aged 10 when he grows up will never have the chance of a real relationship with a real live woman. how sad.

and any men on this thread who think "wot a load of harpies of course all men watch violent or insect or peodo porn all the time" -

no. really no that is not healthy.

It's icky. I would have to end the relationship.

Op if it's any consolation I watch a lot of porn and watch things based on the sex not the genres. Stuff like that is always on the homepage and I will pause on the video to see if the sex looks good, then decide. I never pay any attention to the context / fantasy part. So in that example it's have been about wanting to see women having sex not the parent/step element at all.

I was horrified though to see videos taken in real life on the site we went on - of shop assistants, women on public transport/beaches etc (along the lines of upskirting and "look at the tits on this"). It beggars belief that it's even legal to upload it as it certainly appeared to filmed without consent

I've heard of a frighteningly large number of home videos or videos sent to men ect, being uploaded to pornhub without consent. I know not all of them are, but just the fact that it's so easy to upload on there and nobody who's watching really knows if the woman (or man for that matter) in the video is even in on it, or really wants it, is scary to me.

I don't think it's to do with incest, they're just given titles like that to direct people from google

I would agree with this, if the DP wasn't actively seeking out these titles and there wasn't so many of them. When I initially read the op I was going to comment this. And I think in some, or even most instances, this is the case. But this man very clearly has taken a liking to this particular genre, which to me is uncomfortable personally.

I have no reason to suspect there is any abuse whe it comes to SD... but it has crossed my mind that often porn leads to more extreme porn and crosses over Into real life. Just look how many guys expect anal these days because porn has normalised it.

I'm not home, I've text DP and told him exactly what I've seen and that I'm not comfortable with it at all, and ultimately this isnt something I'm willing to accept in a relationship and we need to talk about who will move out etc when I get home. I asked him how he would feel if anyone else was thinking about me and his DD in the same scenarios he readily watches online. Hes read it but no response

I find it interesting that so many women on this thread are referring to themselves as “porn prudes”

Are you doing it ironically?

I would find this concerning TBH. Porn generally doesnt appeal to me personally ,but I am aware many men use it.The fact that it a stepmum and her DSD in the same clip played many times over is a worry though.You need to speak to him and tell him what you have found .What is your relationship like otherwise ? Do you get on well with DSD? He needs to think carefully and maybe get some help if he is addicted to this kind of site ,or he may lose you and DD as well!

Jesus Christ. This would definitely be it for me, plus I would be terrified about how he looks at his DD. Are you going to tell his ex wife?

The timebomb has gone off already. I'm a secondary school teacher in a fairly senior pastoral role and the things I hear are awful. It is standard for teen boys to expect teen girls to agree to anal sex (without condoms, no risk of pregnancy...) The way they talk about the girls is dreadful too. And what's worse is that so many of the male teachers brush it aside with 'boys will be boys' and 'it's harmless banter'. Er no it isn't. The whole culture and relationship dynamics it creates is toxic and abusive.

Anyway, back to OPs problem. Take screenshots and send them to yourself (in case you need evidence in divorce settlement? and more importantly if his ex needs them to protect your stepdaughter via the courts). Then get out, and tell the girl's mum straight away.

Urgh. Sorry you've found yourself in this situation OP and you are definitely NBU.

I hope for your and his DD's sake that he is completely detached from his own family when looking at this stuff, but it won't necessarily be the case.

Slightly different situation, as we never had an ok relationship and he's a horrible dad and husband either way, but I found out that my father was searching for this sort of porn (with BDSM elements) when I was a teenager. The initial disgust/horror wore off after a few years and so I can stand to be around him for short periods now when necessary, but I've never felt anything positive about him since.

Probably didn't help that I suspected he'd involved me with his fantasies (think cornering me while wearing few clothes and threatening to 'spank' me). And asking if I'd 'get my tits out for the lads' (him and my then 11yo DB) when I was 9 and had breast buds.

He spent much of his retirement meeting up with people for sex while my Mum killed herself working. Anyway...

There was a lovely Christmas argument story he used to tell when I was a kid, about his stepdaughter (my much older stepsister). He claimed with many flourishes that she had propositioned him for sex while visiting us one Christmas (and he told this story to his young children and wife).

We thought it was just another fucked up story, but my DB found texts to poor SS last year, where 'D'F was going on about how he'd loved her since a baby and how much he wanted to have sex with her minutes apart. Her sending unenthusiastic but unsurprised replies. Gods knows what went on when she was a kid.

Don't brush it under the carpet because it is easier, and good luck. Apologies for typos, am hastily writing on my phone.

I would be very upset to think my husband was watching things like that, it sounds like someone who gets off on watching young girls, and there's the incest aspect as well... a big no for me

@Creepydadanon

Urgh. Sorry you've found yourself in this situation OP and you are definitely NBU.

I hope for your and his DD's sake that he is completely detached from his own family when looking at this stuff, but it won't necessarily be the case.

Slightly different situation, as we never had an ok relationship and he's a horrible dad and husband either way, but I found out that my father was searching for this sort of porn (with BDSM elements) when I was a teenager. The initial disgust/horror wore off after a few years and so I can stand to be around him for short periods now when necessary, but I've never felt anything positive about him since.

Probably didn't help that I suspected he'd involved me with his fantasies (think cornering me while wearing few clothes and threatening to 'spank' me). And asking if I'd 'get my tits out for the lads' (him and my then 11yo DB) when I was 9 and had breast buds.

He spent much of his retirement meeting up with people for sex while my Mum killed herself working. Anyway...

There was a lovely Christmas argument story he used to tell when I was a kid, about his stepdaughter (my much older stepsister). He claimed with many flourishes that she had propositioned him for sex while visiting us one Christmas (and he told this story to his young children and wife).

We thought it was just another fucked up story, but my DB found texts to poor SS last year, where 'D'F was going on about how he'd loved her since a baby and how much he wanted to have sex with her minutes apart. Her sending unenthusiastic but unsurprised replies. Gods knows what went on when she was a kid.

Don't brush it under the carpet because it is easier, and good luck. Apologies for typos, am hastily writing on my phone.

Wow, that is so disturbing. I'm really sorry your various family members had to deal with such a fucked up individual.

@AnIckabog

The timebomb has gone off already. I'm a secondary school teacher in a fairly senior pastoral role and the things I hear are awful. It is standard for teen boys to expect teen girls to agree to anal sex (without condoms, no risk of pregnancy...) The way they talk about the girls is dreadful too. And what's worse is that so many of the male teachers brush it aside with 'boys will be boys' and 'it's harmless banter'. Er no it isn't. The whole culture and relationship dynamics it creates is toxic and abusive.

Anyway, back to OPs problem. Take screenshots and send them to yourself (in case you need evidence in divorce settlement? and more importantly if his ex needs them to protect your stepdaughter via the courts). Then get out, and tell the girl's mum straight away.

I'm going to ask you to consider Anickabog's second paragraph.

Having had to sit in front of a family court judge on quite a few occasions because of my ex's behaviour, my barrister explained to me that my requests had to be reasonable, so that the judge could see that I was being reasonable.

I'm going to ask with that in mind.

Do any of the porn supporters really feel that seeking this out can be justified in front of an independent arbiter as being reasonably acceptable?

This is utterly revolting and would be a deal breaker for me.

ExH was a serious porn user and brought it to bed with us. It dawned on me that he was clearly watching porn when he started wanting me to do various specific unpleasant things while having sex.

I pretended I hadn't heard, but when I was finally able to get access to his laptop there were links to his favourite porn clips and yes he thought I would be a convenient female body on act them out on - seriously gag worthy.

About that time I discovered he was a massive cheat anyway and had been for years so he became an ex, but the feeling of having been used is a big contributor in why I have never looked for another relationship.

Op, this is a massive shock.

I really wish you well with the next steps.

You have done nothing wrong in finding it nor making your boundaries clear on this matter. He has chosen to bring this unwelcome dynamic into your home.

I hope you are able to find 'real life' support as well.

Smile -ref "porn prudes" expression I used about myself.
When I used it no I was not being ironic.

But it is interesting that I felt I had to use it. And that is telling in itself is it not. That so many women feel kinda embarrassed if they say they don't like porn because in the past they have felt pressured to watch it.

And I never watched anything violent just what sounds from this thread like what I thought was "plain vanilla" stuff …….. (or plain vanilla compared with what is being described here).

Of course there are all types of people in society. There are people who can easily have a glass of wine with their dinner most nights and then just give it up for some reason for weeks/months/years without much thought - and then there are people who start with a glass of wine a night and the next thing you know they really are downing litres and litres of vodka or whiskey every day.

Same goes for porn.

Except with the alcohol addiction example its just the drinker who is being hurt (unless you count cost to the NHS etc) where with porn the person who ends up consuming "litres" of the stuff really is straying into the territory of consuming stuff where undoubtedly other third parties are being hurt in some shape or form.

That is the difference.

PS - to OP - well done for sending that text to your partner that is very very brave of you x

I don’t know much about porn but I can’t believe some people are defending this! It’s grim.

I dunno tbh, I occasionally watch porn and these are just titles, it’s not real incest, he obviously has a thing for lesbian porn and threesomes with older and younger women. I don’t think it necessarily means he’s fantasising about his own daughter, that’s a bit of a leap imo. He’s more than likely using those kind of terms while searching because he’s realised that’s what the majority of those types of older + younger woman videos are called, because it’s a popular taboo fantasy for many. It doesn’t mean he has sexual desires towards his own daughter.

I mean - one the one hand no grown woman (or v v few) in society thinks that families in the 20st century involve fathers out of Little House on the Prarie.

But I do confess to have "hoped" that there were men out there who genuinely think protectively towards their daughters / teenage girls generally.

Of course young women / teenage girls are always going to be sexually attractive to older men.

but the question is do you FEED those thoughts or do mentally step away from the computer when those thoughts turn up in your head.

I think you should tell his ex wife. She may need to safeguard their DD.

The timebomb has gone off already. I'm a secondary school teacher in a fairly senior pastoral role and the things I hear are awful. It is standard for teen boys to expect teen girls to agree to anal sex (without condoms, no risk of pregnancy...) The way they talk about the girls is dreadful too.

As a parent of a young boy, these stories always scare me. And we're constantly being told "porn is everywhere these days" and how completely unavoidable it is for teenagers.

Bubblebu

Thank you - and I completely agree with your reflections about why you felt you had to use that term.

I absolutely reject it as a helpful term - it shames women for recognising their own boundaries.

I think porn is incredibly damaging. There’s nothing remotely prudish about taking a stance against it.

(But interesting, isn’t it, the language used towards women who are not sexually permissive “enough”? Prude, frigid, uptight... as though our boundaries make us somehow lesser...)

" It doesn’t mean he has sexual desires towards his own daughter"

I agree with the above - it is not a logical assumption to think that from what OP has described.

HOWEVER we are talking about fantasies which involve the sexual initiation of a woman young enough for the OP to suggest it is a girl around the same age as her step daughter.

And just because it is not a man initiating the younger girl in the fantasy does not make it any better and does not THEREFORE mean he has not thought about that too (whether it is him doing the initiating or some other random man).