To feel a bit 'icky' after seeing partners internet history?

[IfIWasAFlowerGrowingWildAndFre]

When using DPs phone yesterday I went to close some of the open pages on the internet and noticed one of them was porn. Now, I dont usually have an issue with porn, and whilst it's not something DP chooses to discuss with me, I am aware he watches it. The title of the particular video was something along the lines of 'dad watches daughter fuck stepmom'. Though I didnt look in depth I'm fairly certain it was more a role play scenario rather than incest, but given I am a 'stepmom' to his DD it feels pretty grim knowing he's getting off on that sort of thing.
A nosey through his internet history would suggest he watches that particular 'genre's often, and as I can see the times hes visited these sites, hes watching it whilst telling me he is going for a nap during the day (too tired to come to the park with me and DD, but not too tired for a wank),or late at night when he is downstairs 'relaxing' rather than coming to bed with me. He is often too tired for sex, and we dont have a great sex life anymore so it's a bit of a kick in the teeth.
Aibu to tell him what I've seen and that I'm uncomfortable with it?

Yes I agree Op. I think it would be catastrophically damaging for his dd if she saw those things.

You're not overreacting at all. In fact I think you're taking a very rational reasoned approach. His checking out of family life on its own is very selfish.

I completely understand how you can't come back from this. I mean I would be wondering what he was thinking about every time we were in bed together.

I hope you have people in real life you can confide in. It's sad that his daughter will lose her stepmum too. Perhaps you will be able to stay in touch in some way

I don't really want to mention anything to anyone in real life yet. He is still DDs dad and I dont want people to think differently of him right now, if we do separate (this is the most likely outcome) I would like things to be amicable between me, DP and all out family.

SDs mum is a difficult person, I cant see her keeping me as a part of DDs life, I dont see us meeting up for coffee every month or so, or going to the park. Hopefully DD and SD will still maintain their relationship through their time with their dad.

I'm really laid back about porn, and couldn't care less if my dh watches it. However, I would be very uncomfortable about certain types of porn.
The porn your dp is watching would make me extremely comfortable. I don't think I'd be able to stay with him if I found out her was watching that stuff.
I'm sorry you're going through this op

I'm really laid back about porn, and couldn't care less if my dh watches it. However, I would be very uncomfortable about certain types of porn.
The porn your dp is watching would make me extremely comfortable. I don't think I'd be able to stay with him if I found out her was watching that stuff.
I'm sorry you're going through this op

It's so difficult when you've combined your families and there are all the children to consider. All power to you for being able to put your own feelings aside so that communication can be amicable.

That said Grrr what a selfish arsehole he is putting his whole family through this. He's been so stupid.

I think the fact that there is a daughter involved is pretty grim and I'd be out like a shot

OP - "Just because I dont like it (and clearly I'm not in the minority) doesn't change the fact he isnt technically doing anything wrong"

Maybe technically correct - and this is exactly how pornhub gets round the whole "but it is illegal because it is peodophilia" thing - by using actresses who may well be 18 or over but dressing them up as much much younger.

The wrongness of that sits with society allowing that to happen or it just being socially acceptable but to me that is such a big "legal loophole" so to speak. Of course it encourages viewers of this kind of content to think about sex with a minor when they are watching.

However agreed, on a technical level your partner is not doing anything "wrong" by watching them - there they are on a very easy to access website for all to see.

And in terms of your comment:

"I suspect SD will know how to do that, so perhaps even just having those links in the history is every bit as bad"

oh yes a thousand times.
At 12 your step daughter will no doubt be extremely tech savvy and even if she is not being actively curious and purposefully looking for it on his phone it seems not unlikely that she might just end up fiddling with his phone one day when he is not looking and stumble upon it, especially if he does not have a watertight password or biometric entry system for his phone which locks it up very promptly if he is not using it.

Like someone said above, if this happened I would not be surprised if this was not a real seminal moment (and not in a good way) in her mental development and just seeing that on her dad's phone means many preconceptions about who her dad is change in a moment.
So even if he is not actually thinking of her when he watches it or indeed thinking of any underage girl because it is "just a fantasy" nor is he any actual sexual threat in that context, an accidental viewing alone makes this a real risk to her.

Even if you don't tell his ex wife or if you decide not to leave him, one firm condition for me would be he absolutely must change his phone security settings so there is just no way she could get into it and happen to stumble across this content by accident.
Because to my mind it seems he is not going to stop doing it even if he promises to you he will.

I think you are really brave OP.

Greentree.
My point was not to try to point out shadows in your relationship which are not there or suggest anything about your DH - I am sure you are right and I am glad you have a stronger relationship than I did. I am not projecting onto you.

I was really just trying to say it is perfectly possible and really quite easy (if you put your mind to it) to hide these things on a technical level and hence I think it is actually very difficult to be 100% confident of someone. But that I guess is where "trust" comes in.

But I really was not trying to challenge you about things which are not there in your own relationship

There's a difference between watching something with a dodgy title on a one off and habitually seeking it out. Your DP habitually seeks that particular genre of pornography out. Those who think this doesn't translate to a real life interest are deluded...

I have a porn addicted ex who used to enjoy watching older women belittle and degrade younger men... he also sought out 'larger' ladies. Swore black and blue when I found out that he was just curious... years later he has now admitted he has a kink for both. Habitually and frequently seeking a particular genre of porn suggests he at least has some sort of interest in it. Sorry OP.

Haven’t read the full thread but that’s fucking disgusting and I would not be able to share a bed with such a dirty perverted vile man again. Eurgh .

Ok now I’ve read it all. Not your fault he’s a very likely sex offending pervert. But now you know what he is. You cannot stay with it. How revolting. Leave as soon as you can.there is no excusing it. No way of minimising it.!he likes the idea of step mums having sex with their step kids. Deal breaker. No sugar coating it, no
Minimising it. Why is he even still there? he is on a downward slope to even worse. And he will plead he was led into it by the big bad tempting internet. Fuck this vile individual off as quick as u can.

If it was me, I wouldn't rule out sharing this with social services or someone else with a role in safeguarding. He could well already be abusing his daughter.

it doesn't matter if the porn was 'technically not illegal' (although how do you know the actors were all consenting? You don't. Anyone who watches porn may be watching trafficking or rape).

I expect my partner to behave in a way that is both legal and moral. He expects the same of me. We don't police each others behaviour but I do have moral and ethical boundaries which may well go beyond the scope of purely what is technically legal.

And yes YABU to feel icky and not downright disgusted. Throw him out (keep his laptop or whatever) and report at the Very least. I honestly do feel for you but please don’t try to see this as some innocent kink.’itS very disturbing and I too worry for his daughter

@GloriousTechnicolour

it doesn't matter if the porn was 'technically not illegal' (although how do you know the actors were all consenting? You don't. Anyone who watches porn may be watching trafficking or rape).

I expect my partner to behave in a way that is both legal and moral. He expects the same of me. We don't police each others behaviour but I do have moral and ethical boundaries which may well go beyond the scope of purely what is technically legal.

Same. Just because something is not technically illegal doesn't mean it's right.

I couldn't bear to have him near me ever again. He sounds a crap father and husband and a filthy pervert to boot. He would make my flesh crawl.

OP I have two daughters. If I found my DH had been looking up any kind of “daughter” based porn then he would be out.

It’s not ok to have sexual fantasies about your own 12 yo daughter, let alone to repeatedly look up porn to delve deeper into those fantasies. And he’s now so addicted to porn that he’s lying to you and sending you out so he can watch it. And not having sex with you.

Please don’t let him minimise this, your initial reaction is quite right.

urgh that's grim. Total dealbreaker for me. I don't have a problem with porn but it depends on the type. Discovering my ex husband getting off on this sort of porn, incest, voyerism, fake rape etc ultimately led to our divorce. It made me skin crawl and made me not want to touch him, always thinking what he was fantasizing about in his head. My ex was always secretly watching porn all the time. It was like an addiction/obsession for him.

As others have said it made me ultimately fear what he was capable of and I couldn't trust him with the kids. He will minimise this to you/try to somehow turn it around onto you or blame you for over reacting. Please dont let him minimise this.

@forrandomposts

Op if it's any consolation I watch a lot of porn and watch things based on the sex not the genres. Stuff like that is always on the homepage and I will pause on the video to see if the sex looks good, then decide. I never pay any attention to the context / fantasy part. So in that example it's have been about wanting to see women having sex not the parent/step element at all.

See the above is what I just will never understand about this type of particular approach to porn.

Yes I know many many (predominantly) men who frequently use porn might read this thread and think "women!!".

I've heard many men in the past say "its just porn
I don't look at the genre.
Its all just the visual element.
I just want to see the woman have sex.
I ignore the context"

And yes, of course the approach many men have to sex is without doubt very different to the approach women take. (I am female, I am sure that is obvious).
They have said to me I can contextualise, its just a fantasy, it has nothing to do with what I want in real life etc.

But I will never understand that. What you fill your head with all day has to be what you actually want (consciously or subconsciously).

How on earth can you watch porn using a female porn actress DRESSED UP with pigtails and a t shirt with a teddy on it and then seriously say but I am not in any way interested in sex with minors - I just wanted to see her have sex because it is all just the visuals and the context means nothing.

Understand for many the turn on is the "taboo" element but there is a world of difference between the clichéd porn of the milkman having sex with the married lady at house number x (i.e. consenting adults) and your wife having sex with someone PURPOSEFULLY dressed up to look like she is 12 (even if there is a disclaimer at the start saying "none of the participants were hurt in the making of this clip but NB don't try this at home...." bullshit.

Sorry but the context is relevant and if (mainly) men say it is totally irrelevant to what turns them on when they watch it I will never understand that.

Gawd - it really is not like (sometimes very young) girls these days need any more sub conscious encouragement to behave in a sexualised way at a very early age and it is exactly this sort of porn which fuels this. saying "but its not what I really want in real life".

??

The fact that title of it includes the word "daughter" is a whole other level but for me (not being in the situation) the fact that the actress is dressed up to look like she is 12 (even if she is actually 18 and consented / was handsomely paid to do it etc) is enough of an issue in itself.

To all those who say incest is a common fantasy... seriously?! Mind my ignorance on this one but... seriously?

I think I'd inform SS too.
I worked with a man he was very drunk at a Christmas party he admitted he enjoyed doing the laundry as the scent from his teenage Daughters x 2 underwear brought him back memories of his teenage years.
I never spoke to him after that night.

Emer.

What a gross man.

If he can say that about his own daughters you can only wonder what other "opportunities" outside his own home he might be trying to create.

@Emeraldshamrock

I think I'd inform SS too. I worked with a man he was very drunk at a Christmas party he admitted he enjoyed doing the laundry as the scent from his teenage Daughters x 2 underwear brought him back memories of his teenage years. I never spoke to him after that night.

Fuck sake. So disturbing.

@Emeraldshamrock

I think I'd inform SS too. I worked with a man he was very drunk at a Christmas party he admitted he enjoyed doing the laundry as the scent from his teenage Daughters x 2 underwear brought him back memories of his teenage years. I never spoke to him after that night.

Oh that is so grim. What the hell is wrong with these men? Seriously grim.