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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going behind my SIL's back?

222 replies

UserLibra78 · 11/07/2020 12:20

Long story short my OH and his two sisters were given his late mother's house. One of his sister is keen to sell, the other is thinking of keeping it to rent but is not capable financially. My OH and I are actually thinking of buying another house to rent so that in a couple of years time, our ds will be able to either stay/resell.

I spoke to my dad and he is adamant about not telling them and just deal with the estate agent. I am in two minds about it as my OH and his sisters are close and I hate to put him in the situation where he will feel like he is "betraying them". However if I were to tell them now that I am interested in buying the house, they will 100% turn around and say they have decided not to sell after all.

I am sure if my MIL is still alive she will not hesitate to sell it to me, so that we will keep it in the family. But since she is gone my SIL's, who are both very vocal and domineering, will not hesitate in demanding a higher price from me. The reason why I am keen on the house is that it in in perfect location, very good price to rent and my mil had look after the house. I am sure this house is a good investment and not expected to sell anytime soon should we bought it. We will be using my OH equity to tide over any unexpected shortfalls.

What do you guys think is the best way to approach this? Should I follow my dad and jus lt offer the market price? Or should I let them know I am interested at the risk of losing this house and incur a higher price tag?

Thanks

OP posts:
TravellingWanabee · 11/07/2020 13:35

Is there any reason your OH can't tell them he's buying it and wants to buy them out (and leave your name out of it altogether)? They don't have to know where the money is coming from (ie your dad) as it's none of their business how "your OH" finances the purchase.

Failing that, you could always ask them to sell to you, if they say they want more, say oh well never mind, and then you could ask your dad to buy it (as he's giving you the money anyway) and it would be his name on the estate agent's paperwork (would they even know your dad's name)?

But I would give them the opportunity to sell to you and be above board about it. I wouldn't go straight in behind their backs, as that could irrevocably damage your and your OH's relationship with them. If they decide to be petty, then you still have the moral highground.

Original poster
UserLibra78 · 11/07/2020 13:36

@Yankathebear

This sounds very driven by you rather than your Dp. Do you always get your own way?
Hi unfortunately no I do not. Please read my previous posts for clarification.
OP posts:
Coffeecak3 · 11/07/2020 13:39

When my fil died it was as if my dh didn't count and his 2 younger siblings were the only ones grieving.
He often got phone calls along the lines of ' I've been to the house and I'm taking ..specific item.
Whatever it was my dh always said ok.
One day I said to dh that his mum's old Kenwood would be ideal for dd but perhaps his siblings may object.
He finally snapped back. They were my parents too.
Many pp's on this thread have a similar opinion and forget the Op's dh has the same emotions as his sisters and he counts too.

Alderaan · 11/07/2020 13:42

Why don't you just buy a different house? I don't understand why you would do this.

Original poster
UserLibra78 · 11/07/2020 13:46

@Coffeecak3

When my fil died it was as if my dh didn't count and his 2 younger siblings were the only ones grieving. He often got phone calls along the lines of ' I've been to the house and I'm taking ..specific item. Whatever it was my dh always said ok. One day I said to dh that his mum's old Kenwood would be ideal for dd but perhaps his siblings may object. He finally snapped back. They were my parents too. Many pp's on this thread have a similar opinion and forget the Op's dh has the same emotions as his sisters and he counts too.
Thank you so much for this post. The same thing happened to my FIl jewellery and watches, and that was even before he passed away! My sil transfer everything to her safe in her house the day he was moved to the hospital. And we only found out when her husband was sen wearing my FIl watch!

Even then I kept my mouth shut as this is not my business but I seen my husband get left out time after time. I seen him grieve for his dad and now his mum while his sisters were busy taking whatever they want from the house.

OP posts:
PurpleButterflyAway · 11/07/2020 13:48

@Coffeecak3 but OP herself isn’t considering her OH. She’s outright said it’d be her house and doesn’t seem to care about there being a rift between her OH and his sisters.

Andwoooshtheyweregone · 11/07/2020 13:48

Has the house not been left to your husband too? Surely you would just be buying them out?

Original poster
UserLibra78 · 11/07/2020 13:49

@Blueroses99

I think honesty is the best policy. How about saying something like “I’ve been looking to buy a rental property and MILs house is perfect. I’ll offer X (asking price) and you will receive Y without any estate agent fees taken off. Otherwise you’ll have to take your chances on the open market but then there will be fees to pay and it looks like house prices might drop over the next couple of years.” Leave it at that. Don’t enter into negotiation on higher prices or convince them to sell to you. If they decide to sell to you, it’s a win win. If they don’t, be prepared to walk away and look for another house.
I will be using your reply verbatim. It is exactly how my OH should say it to them. Thank you
OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 11/07/2020 13:49

Going along with your plan is just going to cause a massive rift between your DH and his sisters.

Whatever reason it sounds like you know they don't want to sell to you.

I'd wait for it to be valued and then offer them that. I wouldn't do anything underhand.

Original poster
UserLibra78 · 11/07/2020 13:51

[quote PurpleButterflyAway]**@Coffeecak3* but OP herself isn’t considering her OH. She’s outright said it’d be her* house and doesn’t seem to care about there being a rift between her OH and his sisters.[/quote]
Hi sorry my house my OH house Our house. This will not be just my house. In fact I will consider it my son's house

OP posts:
fuckinghellapeacock · 11/07/2020 13:53

If you are so sentimentally attached to the house that you are desperate to keep it how will you cope with renting it out and possible damage?

It really has nothing to do with your dad and if I were the SIL without the money I would be resentful that you have your 'business man' dad swoop in and purchase my family home as a business asset.

Wallywobbles · 11/07/2020 13:53

I'd use an agent and your DP so I'd see what the price difference is and go with the cheapest.

I'd also do the purchase via a third party - like your Dad, so they don't think they'll be having fun messing you around.

chocorabbit · 11/07/2020 13:53

It could be that the OP's OH (?) has been naive and has been screwed over in the past so the OP is trying to get an investment for them too. Or I could be projecting.

In our case DH has effectively spent IL's mortgage multiple times in financial handouts to IL's or house repairs but will probably get nothing. He had never looked for his own interest as well as IL's. Now he has changed and probably so has the OP's OH.

Original poster
UserLibra78 · 11/07/2020 13:53

@Andwoooshtheyweregone

Has the house not been left to your husband too? Surely you would just be buying them out?
Yes is been left to my OH too.
OP posts:
Pebblexox · 11/07/2020 13:56

This is entirely your OH's decision. The house was left to him and his siblings, not you.
If this is what he wants then he needs to speak to them. You would be unreasonable if you did this without telling them. You could potentially ruin relationships with his family.

Original poster
UserLibra78 · 11/07/2020 13:57

@fuckinghellapeacock

If you are so sentimentally attached to the house that you are desperate to keep it how will you cope with renting it out and possible damage?

It really has nothing to do with your dad and if I were the SIL without the money I would be resentful that you have your 'business man' dad swoop in and purchase my family home as a business asset.

Going along on how you feel, would it be better if it was purchased by an outsider?
OP posts:
Original poster
UserLibra78 · 11/07/2020 14:02

And to extrapolate on the same point, resentment, seeing that your own parents worked hard over the decades in maintaining the house, would it give you greater pleasure to sell it to a stranger who will be able to enjoy your mum's garden or to your brother and his family, who you dislike due to uncertain reason?

OP posts:
Techway · 11/07/2020 14:05

Going along on how you feel, would it be better if it was purchased by an outsider?

Probadly, it can be worse seeing it owned by someone you don't like. Think about how you would feel of they bought your Dad's home? Be honest..there is emotion if you don't like someone.

It is a shame that they don't like you but they are close to your OH so don't impact that relationship for an investment opportunity.

Your dad is wrong to suggest underhand measures as that breaks trust and shows them they were right to dislike you.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 11/07/2020 14:09

@UserLibra78 my sister and I never used to get on, it was really bad and to answer your question - I would have rather sold to a stranger.

Original poster
UserLibra78 · 11/07/2020 14:10

@Techway

Going along on how you feel, would it be better if it was purchased by an outsider?

Probadly, it can be worse seeing it owned by someone you don't like. Think about how you would feel of they bought your Dad's home? Be honest..there is emotion if you don't like someone.

It is a shame that they don't like you but they are close to your OH so don't impact that relationship for an investment opportunity.

Your dad is wrong to suggest underhand measures as that breaks trust and shows them they were right to dislike you.

Hi I think trust works both way. Please see my posts about how they dealt with my FIl's properties.
OP posts:
Original poster
UserLibra78 · 11/07/2020 14:16

If the situation reversed my sil decided to buy the house herself, should we just step over and let her have it? Or can we also raise the price ( which I will never do) or insist on selling it to an outsiders?

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 11/07/2020 14:18

"We" don't do anything. They decide between them what they want to do.

DramaDromedary · 11/07/2020 14:24

Why do you want to buy all your PIL’s things? First ornaments, now house. It’s weird, they’re not your parents, and if I was your sister in law, I wouldn’t want to sell to you either.

Winter2020 · 11/07/2020 14:28

r16UserLibra78

"If the situation reversed my sil decided to buy the house herself, should we just step over and let her have it? Or can we also raise the price ( which I will never do) or insist on selling it to an outsiders?"

You can do what you like, and everything you do will impact on family relationships. I think if both SIL and your husband wanted it then selling it to who will pay the most seems sensible but if things got silly then deciding neither can have it and it will be sold on the open market to a stranger could also be sensible.

Pebblexox · 11/07/2020 14:30

"We" don't do anything. They decide between them what they want to do.
^^
This. You need to take yourself out of the equation. The house was not left to you, it was left to your dh. Just because you're married, it doesn't mean you're entitled to anything his parents leave him.
Let him deal with this with his siblings.

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