AIBU to be upset about my sisters reaction to my pregnancy?

[helloiamnewhere]

Hello, my sister and I are very close in age and both recently got married to our long term partners. I have a young step son who's mother is not involved and he is my world, my sister and her partner do not yet have any children. My sister told me and our Mum she was pregnant late last year but unfortunately lost the baby at six weeks pregnant. This was very sad as she has always wanted to be a mother and has been grieving ever since. Shortly after she lost the baby I found out I was pregnant, I put off telling her for longer than I normally would have as I was worried about her reaction following their loss. When I told her she burst into tears and drove home and then didn't speak to me for two weeks (we normally speak daily). I was really upset about this but understood her reaction. I have put off celebrating my birth and doing some of the things I would have done because I want to be tactful to my sister. She started speaking to me again and tried to act happy for me but then I announced by birth on social media at seven months and she has not spoken to me since (I am due in three week). I am so upset as I want my sister to be involved in the babies life. Obviously this is a very tough time for her as she has not been able to conceive following her miscarriage nine months ago. My mother is caught up in the middle of the situation and tensions are running high. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? I keep reaching out to my sister but she said she is too upset to speak to me :(

Some pp seem to have missed the point where I extended the sister my sympathy and suggested she get some help with her loss? I've had a pregnancy that didn't take too, yes, it's emotional and she is entitled to all her feelings on it of course. But if her feelings are impacting her behaviour and her family then it's not unreasonable for those on the receiving end to feel upset too is it? Sad for all involved.

@ShutUpaYourFace - your empathy is spectacularly misplaced. OP's sister can tell everyone else in the world about her pregnancy, jump around and be excited, throw a party. The OP has not had to 'walk on eggshells' because her sister has removed herself from the situation. Why is the OP's sister the one person who needs to be there for her? What about her partner, her parents, her friends? It wasn't 'kind' of the OP to splash her pregnancy on social media at all, particularly around her time her sister's baby would have been born. It isn't 'kind' to try to force her back into a sisterly relationship she isn't ready for. The OP really is thinking mostly of herself here.

I give up OP it would seem you are being unreasonable expecting your sister to be pleased for you. She lost a pregnancy and will never get over it, she can make you feel like shit for being pregnant 9 months on but that's ok. You are not allowed to enjoy your pregnancy or celebrate when your baby arrives and you have to walk on eggshells forever. Remember to hide your child away!
I hope these ladies don't have sisters as they clearly think her behaviour is ok.
Miscarriage is terrible, it obviously gives you right to treat people poorly.
Good luck OP.

@phoenixrosehere
Thank you! I think it's a fine line, because the more time that goes on, the more awkward things become. OP's sister might take more time to come around but space is definitely important. OP's sister may have been trying for a long time before falling pregnant and after a loss may not have told people about further losses. I think it's also harder to deal with a sister's pregnancy than a friend's. It's a horrible situation.

So your sister was pregnant for 2 weeks and had a very early miscarriage.
And is now behaving like this!
She is being very unreasonable!
I can understand it hurt her but she's being a cow to you and it's not fair of her at all.

@ShutUpaYourFace

I give up OP it would seem you are being unreasonable expecting your sister to be pleased for you. She lost a pregnancy and will never get over it, she can make you feel like shit for being pregnant 9 months on but that's ok. You are not allowed to enjoy your pregnancy or celebrate when your baby arrives and you have to walk on eggshells forever. Remember to hide your child away! I hope these ladies don't have sisters as they clearly think her behaviour is ok. Miscarriage is terrible, it obviously gives you right to treat people poorly. Good luck OP.

But what has the sister done? If she was ringing the op up and screaming at her, I would agree with you.

Not saying thank you for the flowers..? Well, I'd always read on here that sending cut flowers to someone who has suffered a miscarriage was a bit of a no no? Yes, the sister should have said thank you, but that isn't the same as treating someone "like shit".

Being made to feel she can't enjoy her pregnancy fully, she didn't feel she could tell everyone earlier or do the normal things as she wished. Having to tread on eggshells all the time and being ignored by the one person who you need to be there for you.

Is she though or is she dwelling on her sister not being there while her sister is struggling. The pregnancy may have been six weeks, but it was a very wanted pregnancy and something that meant the world to her sister who always wanted to be a mother. She could also have been trying to conceive and struggling. She also would have been pregnant with her sister if she hadn’t miscarried so that could be another factor considering they both married recently and could have been celebrating giving birth to their children together. Her sister hasn’t forced OP to delay telling everyone. OP made the decision to wait to tell people, she could have when she wanted to. With the little detail OP has given, a lot of her actions do come from a good place, but they are still her actions based on her feelings and perceptions of what she thinks her sister would want when that could easily not have been the case.

Also, OP has her husband, does he not count as someone who she should be counting on?

My older sibling had a baby, shortly before one of our parents died. Then, I fell pregnant shortmy after the death and although it was very happy time, obviously it wasn't the same as when my older sibling had their baby. But that's life. Sometimes sad things happen. To pretend there isn't any sadness and act like life is one big happy party and anyone interfering with that with their pesky sadness should just buck their ideas up, to me is despicable. Not to op, but to some other posters on here.

@ShutUpaYourFace - the OP's sister is not 'making her feel like shit'. The OP is getting the hump because her sister has chosen to remove herself from a pregnancy that is clearly very painful for her. That's not the same thing.

Ladyprigsbottom
The sisters miscarriage was over 9 months ago. I know you never forget and
I completely understand her sister being upset but after this amount of time she is still not speaking to her? Pretending she doesn't exist. It is causing problems and tension within the family and unnecessary worry for OP.
When you've had a miscarriage you have to bite your lip and get back out there.
You see babies everywhere, everyone has one, but you really have to move on.
Having a baby is a wonderful time of course you want to share it with your family as does OP.
Her sister needs to bite her lip. I'm sorry if that comes across mean but it's the truth not after a few weeks but after months.
She will realise that she's missing her sisters friendship and it will help her move forward.

@London91

Absolutely, it is a fine line, and different when it’s a sibling than a friend. With a friend, you can usually have some space and get your bearings a bit, it’s just you and them, but with family, other family members can be pulled into it whether they want to be or not.

Spandauballet: Really! as a doctor you are concerned about my mental health?
I would be more concerned about my mental health if 9 months after a miscarriage I was still unable to move on. Unable to engage with my pregnant sister. I read your earlier posts and It seems you struggled and needed therapy, don't assume we are all like you. I'm happy you are now pregnant. Congratulations.
I'm also ok thanks. I came to terms with my losses and I have 2 children to keep me busy. My opinion is still the same. You have suffered it doesn't mean everyone else has to as well, her sister needs to come to terms with it and move on.

Her sister may not be speaking to her atm, but OP constantly reaching out isn’t going to help things along either. It’s not like OP became pregnant a year later. It was only a few months after her sister lost hers. Again, we don’t know what her sister has been dealing with in the mean time or if this loss has contributed to other issues in her life or even issues between her and her husband. How is her sister supposed to be able to support OP if she may not be able to support herself atm?

OP has her own husband and likely other friends and family for support. If they are choosing to walk on eggshells that’s on them, not her sister.

I think she’s being a bit unreasonable, life goes on after every tragedy, regardless of excruciating pain and loss. However, was there really any need to announce the pregnancy at 7 months? Surely anyone who’s anyone to you at that point knew?

If you wanted to ease into publicly acknowledging your soon to be born baby (as you have every right to do), maybe a matter of fact status update would have been better e.g. a recent purchase. Although I appreciate even that could hurt your sister at this time.

I struggle with threads like this because I see both sides. I feel for OP and I don't think she's done anything wrong (except to be honest I cringed a little about the flowers on her would have been due date, I really would have hated that when I had my miscarriages, it would have been a punch in the gut tbh).

However, I think in these situations it's really important to be mindful of the effects of grief and sometimes other mental illness which can lead on from that. It took me a lot of counselling and years of depression, sadness, loneliness and yes sometimes selfishness (although it was more self preservation to me), to get over it and I'm not even sure I'm there yet.

People grieving or people who are perhaps depressed following a loss like this are not always rational. Yes she should be happy for OP, yes she should be a supportive sister, yes she should be excited about the prospect of a new niece or nephew but it sounds like right now she's struggling too much to be so and I don't think you can blame a person for that. You can't flick a switch with mental health, sometimes you can't pretend or just slap on a smile.

I did very similar with some of my friends, I withdrew from them, I perhaps wasn't as supportive as I should have been. But at the time I couldn't be, it literally felt impossible. At the time it felt like the only way I would make it through was to ignore the fact that other people were successfully having what I so desperately wanted.

It's not just a case of 'her miscarriage was 9 months ago so why isn't she over it now'. It sounds as though this woman has been TTC since then and hasn't yet. That will also put massive strain and worry on a person.

I just really struggle with these types of threads because I think what a person should be doing and what they are actually able to do are two very different things and I don't think it's anyone's fault, just unfortunate and sad for all parties involved.

I have a lot of sympathy with people who have had miscarriages. I had three rounds of IVF, a miscarriage at 6 weeks and two further miscarriages at 11 weeks that were extremely traumatic. It was the worst time of my life. My brother had a baby around the time my first would have been due. He announced the pregnancy just as I was finishing my first IVF cycle. Another friend announced her pregnancy on the day I’d planned to announce my second pregnancy, same due date and everything. Only I was recovering from surgery having carried my dead baby around for two weeks. My sister in law then went on to have a baby two days after our third baby would have been due. It was HARD.

That said, I didn’t place the burden of my misery on anyone else’s shoulders. I didn’t ruin their happy times and I didn’t behave like my pain trumped their happiness. I asked for support and I got it, and then I found the love and energy to celebrate other people’s happy news. I think your sister needs help otherwise she is going to let her misery ruin her life.

Don’t let her reaction ruin your happiness either though - you have a baby on the way and she doesn’t. However unreasonable she is being, you need to focus on you and how lucky you are.

Thing is, I don't really count just keeping out of the way as 'ruining someone's happiness'. If the sister was saying OP wasn't allowed to speak about her baby to anyone then yes. But the sister simply removing herself from the situation isn't exactly ruining OPs happiness, she just obviously can't deal with it right now.

I don't think forcing support and happiness from someone is worth it tbh. OP I'm assuming has other people she can celebrate and be happy with about her pregnancy. Why would you want to force your sister to slap a smile on simply for your benefit when she clearly needs space.

It is sad for OP I get that but I don't think the sister has necessarily ruined her happiness.

YY @PlumForDinner. How completely horrendous an idea, that if, for whatever reason, you cannot face seeing a family member, that you should be put in the stocks for avoiding that family member. If my sister said she couldn't face seeing me, for ANY reason at all, and I had a baby on the way, I would never throw a tantrum saying "why isn't she making a fuss of me?". Not that the op is, but some posters are, on her behalf.

Nobody is entitled to see their adult sibling if their sibling doesn't want to. Ridiculous to suggest the sister has to throw a big party, when she clearly isn't up to it, just because the op is having a baby.

Staying away should not be called "ruining" someone else's party. Ffs. If it was, then god help us if anyone ever doesn't feel up to something.

@ShutUpaYourFace that's the whole point - not everyone will suffer, some won't and that is really great, but many others have/will too, myself included. The idea is not to lump everyone into the same arbitrary "recovery timeline", decided by you.

I personally found the baby's due date and following 3-4 months, to be the worst time and that's when I sought therapy. That's around and beyond 9 months and is totally reasonable, particularly when you're still struggling to conceive again. So no, as a medical doctor I would not be "worried" or berate someone not bouncing back after a mere 9 months. I would refer them for counselling if they were willing, and direct them to the Miscarriage Association for support. In the same way, I would not berate someone for struggling with PND 9 months after a birth. You know, because everyone is different

If women are able to move on much sooner I think that is great and a definite advantage for them.

Just to clarify when I said “Don’t let her reaction ruin your happiness” I meant that the op who is fortunate to be expecting, should get on with enjoying her situation, and find some compassion for her sister within it. I don’t think her sister has ruined her happiness but the OP could let it if she dwells on being upset by her behaviour instead of counting her blessings.

Apologies Greyt, I understand what you meant now.

I think my point still stands with some other posters on this thread though.

I'm late to this thread but

I have a condition which impacts my ability to get pregnant, and miscarried early in my first pregnancy. It did hurt to see friends posting scan photos and things. But I never stopped speaking to anyone, didn't stop being happy for my friends when their children were born. It is an amazing occasion and your sister is being very unfair.

But I never stopped speaking to anyone, didn't stop being happy for my friends when their children were born

Are you able to understand people process things differently?

As per pp, it's great that some women are able to cope with X Y or Z after a loss. I applaud them, I really do. It doesn't mean that all can or should. Many can't, this type of thing, this avoidance and withdrawal is so common with miscarriage/fertility issues, you see it all the time.

We all process things differently. No one has the monopoly on how another person should or can deal with certain things. Obviously OPs sister is struggling being around her right now, the fact you didn't react the same way is completely irrelevant, this woman is.

It is awful to read some of the comments about this poor woman. All she has done is remove herself from a situation that is causing her pain. Maybe also because she doesn't want to be the sad one in the corner crying. Maybe she has had more miscarriages since, but doesn't want to tell her sister because she is pregnant and feeling vulnerable? Maybe she has been told that she will never conceive, or going through invasive tests?

Whatever the reason, as an adult, she has the right to decide who she sees and doesn't want to see. At the moment she doesn't want to see her sister. That doesn't make her immature or selfish, she's just expressing a wish that should be understood and respected.

For those who bounced back after pregnancy loss well done you. My sister didn't. Many women don't. That does nit make them terrible people, just hurt and vulnerable.

*Are you able to understand people process things differently?

As per pp, it's great thatsomewomen are able to cope with X Y or Z after a loss. I applaud them, I really do. It doesn't mean that all can or should. Many can't, this type of thing, this avoidance and withdrawal is so common with miscarriage/fertility issues, you see it all the time.

We all process things differently. No one has the monopoly on how another person should or can deal with certain things. Obviously OPs sister is struggling being around her right now, the factyoudidn't react the same way is completely irrelevant, this woman is.*

No but it is sad for the OP that she feels she has to hide her pregnancy away. It is good that the OP has understanding of how her sister may be feeling.
It took me counselling and many many months to get over our loss. I cried so much when I was out of sight of others. I did detach myself from one friend who was pregnant but kept saying they didn't want the baby.
It is completely natural to feel pain but I also sympathise with the OP here. I had friends who stopped speaking to me when I fell pregnant again and didn't want anything to do with me for months, because they were trying for children and found it tough. For the sake of others, I filtered things a bit. I didn't post scan photos online. I didn't post pregnancy updates regularly. But I also didn't hide my pregnancy.

I hope that the OP and her sister can one day reconcile.