Hello, my sister and I are very close in age and both recently got married to our long term partners. I have a young step son who's mother is not involved and he is my world, my sister and her partner do not yet have any children. My sister told me and our Mum she was pregnant late last year but unfortunately lost the baby at six weeks pregnant. This was very sad as she has always wanted to be a mother and has been grieving ever since. Shortly after she lost the baby I found out I was pregnant, I put off telling her for longer than I normally would have as I was worried about her reaction following their loss. When I told her she burst into tears and drove home and then didn't speak to me for two weeks (we normally speak daily). I was really upset about this but understood her reaction. I have put off celebrating my birth and doing some of the things I would have done because I want to be tactful to my sister. She started speaking to me again and tried to act happy for me but then I announced by birth on social media at seven months and she has not spoken to me since (I am due in three week). I am so upset as I want my sister to be involved in the babies life. Obviously this is a very tough time for her as she has not been able to conceive following her miscarriage nine months ago. My mother is caught up in the middle of the situation and tensions are running high. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? I keep reaching out to my sister but she said she is too upset to speak to me :(
AIBU?
AIBU to be upset about my sisters reaction to my pregnancy?
helloiamnewhere · 10/07/2020 11:14
Am I being unreasonable?
370 votes. Final results.
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Everything aside, I find this absurd.
Whatever the gift, it's a kind gesture to say Thinking of you. Who makes up these rules about what you can and can't do? It seemed some people take offence about the tiniest well meant gestures.
That's taken a little out of context.
So, this was me paraphrasing what a number of posters who had suffered MC said on a MN thread on this specific subject, (receiving cut flowers after MC), a few years ago.
Not all people will feel this way, but a number of people said they would. This comes down to not everyone processing loss in the same way. No,it isn't an inherently bad thing to do, but enough people said they wouldn't like it for me to avoid doing it myself.
I don't think it's up to one person to make up 'rules' or to declare anything which someone else might find upsetting 'absurd' and they should be grateful for any gift. Grief isn't all that rational is it?
I remember after my parent died, we got a huge bunch of flowers from people who hadn't always been kind or supportive during my parent's lifetime and I swear I (very irrationally and I never vocalised this) HATED those flowers. Grimaced every time I walked past them, inwardly.
People who have had mcs don't like to receive cut flowers, they find them upsetting as they remind them of funerals and they feel sad when they start to wilt
Everything aside, I find this absurd.
Whatever the gift, it's a kind gesture to say Thinking of you. Who makes up these rules about what you can and can't do? It seemed some people take offence about the tiniest well meant gestures.
@ShutUpaYourFace, it is LadyPrig actually, not pig.
I mean...re me telling the OP what she should do...no, I don't think I did that actually.
If you read back, you will see that I am supportive of the op and find the situation a sad one for her as well.
What I took issue with was the posts, some of which came from your fine self, (I have an irish accent, so I'm allowed to say this btw, 
), saying that the OP's sister was all manner of unpleasant things, that she should get her act together and that the op had been admirably sensitive in the circumstances. I disagree. I think the OP's heart is in the right place, for sure, but I do think some of her actions were inadvertently a little insensitive.
I do have siblings and if they chose not to see me because they are struggling, with ANYTHING, I would respect that. We don't have the closest relationship, and we can definitely irritate each other, but at least we know how to behave if someone says they aren't up to doing the big family events or celebrations. Hint; it isn't to throw a tantrum and say they want a big fuss made of them. How tone deaf is that when someone has just said they are struggling too much to even see you? Not that the op did this, I hasten to add. I have been saying this all along, but think you must have missed it. Not the OP, but what some posters are tantrumming about on her behalf. And if I made that sort of behaviour sound like the actions of a toddler? Well, that's because the astonishing lack of empathy shown on here is similar to that of a small child.
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Your trademark empathy on show again shutup. You really are a charmer.
In answer to your questions, I would have told her by text. I told most people about my pregnancies by text. My surviving parent and one sibling I told over the phone with the first one. With the second everyone except my parent and grandparent was by text, parent and grandparent by phone. And do you know, the strangest thing happened? This did NOT in fact, contrary to popular belief, ruin my pregnancy 
. I know, right?
I did not announce either pregnancy on FB. I only know a handful of people who did this with theirs. It is far from essential. If I did do this, no I wouldn't have done it around the due date of a close friend or family member's lost baby, if I knew that date.
Re the flowers, when a friend of mine suffered a MC at 10 weeks, a much wanted baby, I sent her a package with stuff I knew she would like. Not flowers, as I had read on here that is a no no. When a relative had a very late loss. I think technically a still birth, I send her a letter.
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