AIBU to be upset about my sisters reaction to my pregnancy?

[helloiamnewhere]

Hello, my sister and I are very close in age and both recently got married to our long term partners. I have a young step son who's mother is not involved and he is my world, my sister and her partner do not yet have any children. My sister told me and our Mum she was pregnant late last year but unfortunately lost the baby at six weeks pregnant. This was very sad as she has always wanted to be a mother and has been grieving ever since. Shortly after she lost the baby I found out I was pregnant, I put off telling her for longer than I normally would have as I was worried about her reaction following their loss. When I told her she burst into tears and drove home and then didn't speak to me for two weeks (we normally speak daily). I was really upset about this but understood her reaction. I have put off celebrating my birth and doing some of the things I would have done because I want to be tactful to my sister. She started speaking to me again and tried to act happy for me but then I announced by birth on social media at seven months and she has not spoken to me since (I am due in three week). I am so upset as I want my sister to be involved in the babies life. Obviously this is a very tough time for her as she has not been able to conceive following her miscarriage nine months ago. My mother is caught up in the middle of the situation and tensions are running high. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? I keep reaching out to my sister but she said she is too upset to speak to me :(

@7yo7yo

I couldn’t have kids. I do now and they were IVF. My friends, family and colleagues got pregnant and had children while I suffered loss after loss. Inside it hurt but I didn’t let them see. Yes you need to be sensitive (which you are being) but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t celebrate your child. Is there anyone who could sensitively speak to her?

Yes this. I didn’t have IVF but struggled with fertility for years

Just because your sister is grieving, it doesn’t mean you should be made to feel shit for being excited about your baby.

Of course your sister will feel upset and everyone deals with miscarriages differently, it doesn’t mean that she can’t manage to be excited for you and supportive.

I had a miscarriage last year, my baby would of been born 2 weeks ago. Yes the due date stirred up all the grief again, but did I shut myself away and act pissed off and not happy for my friends who had just given birth? No, I didn’t. I saved my sadness till I got home. Just because someone is grieving, it doesn’t mean everyone else needs to be miserable.

I understand everyone grieves differently, but if your sister is acting like this 9 months on from her MC, I don’t think she should be trying to conceive again until she’s had a therapist to talk to as she clearly can’t try and come to terms with the loss.

She needs to realise that although it’s awful what she went through, the way she is acting now will make her burn bridges. When she does get pregnant, she will expect everyone to be happy for her, but why should you when she couldn’t pull her head out to just act slightly happy for you?

Just ignore her and wait until she comes around.

Also, @StepAwayFromGoogle making out that OP has everything perfect right now and everything is fine for her and not her sister is just pure shite. You don’t know what will happen with op and whether the baby is going to completely healthy or not, she hasn’t given birth yet? You don’t know what difficulties they are going through/ if they have had their own fertility troubles. Just because the sister miscarried it doesn’t mean the world stops for her and her grief. It’s awful miscarrying but you can at least TRY and be slightly happy for the ones you care about or don’t expect anyone to give a shit when you are finally expecting.

OP, just leave her be, enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and don’t feel you need to walk on eggshells around her. You’ve been more than supportive enough and if she can’t see that, then that’s her issue that she needs to work on. Wishing you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy and birth 😊 x

As others have said, give her space and let her come back to you when you're ready. In the mean time you enjoy and celebrate your pregnancy/birth. This is a special time for you and you're allowed to enjoy it. It's probably best to not discuss it with your mum. She's in the most difficult of positions. Let her celebrate with you but also grieve with your sister.

Of course your sister will feel upset and everyone deals with miscarriages differently, it doesn’t mean that she can’t manage to be excited for you and supportive.

What a load of crap.

*when she's ready not you're

@PurpleDaisies how is it a load of crap what I just said?

As mentioned, I went through my own miscarriage and can still manage to support my friends. If others can’t, that’s their issue to deal with, not OP’s.

Whilst I have every sympathy for your sister, she has taken it too far treating you so badly. It's very selfish. One day she will hopefully have a baby, naturally or through IVF maybe, and then im sure she will regret treating you like this. But you cannot ever get this time back, so I would suggest you just get on with focusing on your new baby and leave your sister to deal with it in her own time.

I also think the sister is being OTT. Many of us have had miscarriages, and I really do sympathise, but we haven't felt the need to cut others off over it.

[quote RatsolutelyFabulous]@PurpleDaisies how is it a load of crap what I just said?

As mentioned, I went through my own miscarriage and can still manage to support my friends. If others can’t, that’s their issue to deal with, not OP’s.[/quote]
As long as they are not actively doing anything to hurt the other person and I don't think ignoring comes into that category then no it's op's problem, she is the one who isn't happy about the situation and wants more from her sister. Her sister doesn't owe her anything. I also wonder how much of the issue with the mother is the op pushing things and trying to get her mother to talk her sister round. We haven't been given one example of anything the sister has done other than keep her distance.

I feel for your sister, and I can think of several reasons why she might need time to herself right now. You haven’t mentioned your BIL, but there’s every possibility that their relationship has suffered as a result of the miscarriage, or even their views of how to proceed. There’s also every chance she’s had other losses since then, and she hasn’t felt able to talk about it. Life feels very unstable at the moment regardless of what’s happening privately, and everything may have built up to a point where she just needs to be alone. She’s told you it’s too painful to talk, you need to give her space until she’s able to deal with things. Continue enjoying your pregnancy, but don’t expect her to force a feeling she’s not ready for

It is not your fault your sister had a miscarraige.

You have a right to have a child of your own; whats the alternative not have a child because your sister has had a loss, how long. are you expected to wait, until she has had a successful pregnancy, what if that never happens.

I speak as a person who has had multiple miscarriages, and a long period of secondary infertility, never have I ever expected anyone to feel bad because they were pregnant, it's just not right, yes you can feel sad for yourself, but to go so far to not speak to someone, especially family, is just wrong.

You enjoy your pregnancy, and your baby. Let your sister deal with her own issues, you have done nothing wrong.

how is it a load of crap what I just said?

You said just because she had a miscarriage, it doesn’t mean she can’t manage to be excited for her sister and support her. Spend two minutes on the infertility boards or miscarriage forums and you’ll realise that it’s totally impossible for many women.

@PurpleDaisies I have spent time on the boards as like I said. I went through one myself. Actually on top of the miscarriage I’ve just come out of a 4 year abusive relationship where I’ve been battered, emotionally abused and lost everything and I can still manage to pull my head slightly out my own arse to show those I care for that I’m happy for them even if I’m completely broken inside.

Everyone’s entitled to different opinions and everyone deals with everything differently but it really isn’t that hard for her sister to just at least pretend to be a bit supportive of her sister being pregnant when the op supported her more than enough and was more than sensitive about her miscarriage.

@MidnightCitrus

and clearly you have a better understanding about how people who have had miscarriages feel.....

I've had 3 miscarriages and multiple chemical pregnancies and I would never do that to my sister. She's allowed to be happy and celebrate having a baby especially when she's being as sensitive OP has been.

I don’t think anyone is right or wrong here.
She’s allowed to need space, you’re allowed to feel sad and miss her. But ultimately you need to leave her alone until she’s ready.

Idontgiveagriffindamn - yes its unfair the person without a baby has to be happy, its bitterly unfair but no one can make it better for her. I equally think its unfair on the person with a baby though, having a child is something so special and her experience of it is not how it should be. She should be able to be excited and having people fuss over her, not feeling she has to hide it away. Hopefully her sister will get to have a baby in time then obviously everyone will be really excited for her wheras the op is never going to have another 'first baby'
I lost a bsby at 6 weeks and was utterly devastated. You see others having them and it is heartbreaking but you smile and then go and gave a cry. Equally I have 2 friends who had serious fertility problems and multiple miscarriages when I fell pregnant. When I planned to announce it yo my friends I text the one who was struggling first to ask if she'd rather I just message people but she said no. She let me celebrate (tactfully) and was happy for me. I held off telling the other friend as it was at the time ger baby was due but she found out and just said I should have told her, she was honest that she found it hard but wanted me to talk about it anyway and she couldn't have loved my dd more when she was born

I agree with Bluntness she is stealing something wonderful from you.

My sister was pregnant at the same time as her best friend, my sister miscarried and her best friend went on to have her baby. Wallowing in self pity was not a healthy thing to indulge in. She could be happy for her friend. My sister did go on to get pregnant later on but obviously it stings thinking of the child she did not have and she has a yearly reminder.

I also watched my friend not even being allowed to speak about her pregnancy because her SIL miscarried. So it was like the elephant in the room, even at almost 9 months pregnant no-one on that side of the family, not even in person, was allowed to mention the giant fucking pregnancy belly. To this day she is pissed off that was sanctioned by her in-laws. It also meant that when SIL was pregnant again everyone was gushing over it and just made her feel more shit.

I have suffered infertility and was told I could probably never have children. I was still over the moon happy for my sister when she got pregnant second time round. Fake it till you make it.

The sister isn't saying OP isn't allowed to be happy and celebrate. She is simply keeping her distance. OP can't dictate that she must be happy and engage with her pregnancy, especially in the circumstances. Sister doesn't have to speak to OP, if she's too upset to.

Op can be excited & have people fuss over her-just not her sister atm!

Your OP nearly brought tears to my eyes as I was your sister last year and it was a very difficult situation to go through. In my case, three family members (my little sister, my SIL and a very close family friend) announced their pregnancies all within a few weeks of each other, only a few months after my miscarriage. I was desperately sad and found it very difficult to cope with other pregnancies. I deleted Facebook as the pregnancy announcements were too much to bare. On top of that it took almost a year for me to become pregnant again.

Those saying sister is being selfish have no idea of the psychological impact that miscarriage can have. There is so much that plays into this, and not everyone reacts to miscarriage the same. I fell into such a depression, especially around and after the due date, that I cut myself off from everyone and ended up needing therapy. I am a doctor myself so deal with patients, bad news, difficult situations all day. I berated myself for feeling so bitter but in retrospect, I do not believe I was selfish for wanting to stay away from people. That was just how I coped.

I absolutely agree with a PP: those who have suffered loss are expected to buck up, plaster a smile on, and get on, on top of what they are already going through. That's wrong imo. Of course it is difficult for OP to not have sister there but I would rather be the OP in this scenario than the sister.

I am now 29 weeks pregnant and still think about my miscarriage almost daily and sometimes shed tears over how bad I felt. For those that were able to "grow up" and move on quickly, that's good, however it is not the case for everyone, even those with a very early miscarriage. OP congratulations on your pregnancy, your sister will come round, please give her time and space.

I feel for both people in this scenario. It must be tough for the sister (I’ve had MC so I can empathise) but given that it WAS my sister, and one I’m close to, I would try and muster up some enthusiasm.

I read a post on here some while back of a similar situation; the Op wasn’t allowed to really celebrate her pregnancy due to her sister’s loss. The sister then went on to get pregnant again and wanted everybody to fawn over her, not realising she had deprived her sister of the same experience.

Surely there’s a middle ground here - the OP seems to be dealing with it sensitively as possible but the sister surely can try to show some support - given she will most likely want the same when she hopefully is pregnant again.

You seem to be trying to be as sensitive as possible. You just have to remember that while it was 'late last year' that your sister was pregnant, if you asked her she could tell you how far along she would be now or how old the baby would be. Having said that, after my MC, when my sister told me (privately, in case I was upset) she was pregnant, my first instinctive reaction was sheer joy for her. I gave her lots of baby stuff and have given advice and told her lots of times to ask if she needs anything.

You are being as kind as possible, but your sister has lost her baby and you need to remember that when she's acting like this. By all means, you should be celebrating and she should be there for you, but she might find it too painful. It may have only been early for her, but she might have had that baby's whole future planned out.

Good luck with your baby.

Op can be excited & have people fuss over her-just not her sister atm!

Yes, but she is absolutely entitled to have her mother fuss over her. This is the OP’s first child. How awful if no fuss is made and no joy expressed. Even worse if no fuss or joy then her sister goes get pregnant and joy and fuss is resumed. I do really hope that if the family are all ignoring the OP’s pregnancy to save the feelings of her sister then if her sister does fall pregnant then the same thing goes. I would be hugely resentful if I’d been made to live my pregnancy under a cloud only for my sister to not expect the same cloud but rather expect unbridled joy and fuss. As long as she insists on no excitement or joy surrounding her own future pregnancies then fair enough. As I said, she is allowed to opt out, of course. But she should never expect anyone else to do the same.

I hadn't read into it that the whole family was ignoring Op's pregnancy, just that Op hadn't done some things that she had wanted to & her sister is currently not contacting or seeing her.

Re the future-if Op's sister does get pregnant, then surely she can't stop her family reacting how they choose to, any more than Op can currently choose how her sister acts?

I‘ve not had a miscarriage but I understand the grief can be intense and irrational. I think you'll just have to accept this is nothing you’ve done and your DSis would be there if she was able.

I can’t imagine wanting a baby and being unable to. It must be all consuming and I think withdrawing from baby focused things must be a necessary defence against increasingly damaging thoughts.