AIBU to be upset about my sisters reaction to my pregnancy?

[helloiamnewhere]

Hello, my sister and I are very close in age and both recently got married to our long term partners. I have a young step son who's mother is not involved and he is my world, my sister and her partner do not yet have any children. My sister told me and our Mum she was pregnant late last year but unfortunately lost the baby at six weeks pregnant. This was very sad as she has always wanted to be a mother and has been grieving ever since. Shortly after she lost the baby I found out I was pregnant, I put off telling her for longer than I normally would have as I was worried about her reaction following their loss. When I told her she burst into tears and drove home and then didn't speak to me for two weeks (we normally speak daily). I was really upset about this but understood her reaction. I have put off celebrating my birth and doing some of the things I would have done because I want to be tactful to my sister. She started speaking to me again and tried to act happy for me but then I announced by birth on social media at seven months and she has not spoken to me since (I am due in three week). I am so upset as I want my sister to be involved in the babies life. Obviously this is a very tough time for her as she has not been able to conceive following her miscarriage nine months ago. My mother is caught up in the middle of the situation and tensions are running high. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? I keep reaching out to my sister but she said she is too upset to speak to me :(

I can't imagine not being happy for my sister and behaving like this tbh.

The running out and driving home when you told her was very dramatic and no matter of you told her by text, email, phone or in person would have been difficult for her.

You can't be expected to tip toe round her in as far as your baby is concerned and change your normal behaviours. It's like walking on eggshells.

I think it's selfish to make someone else feel bad or guilty for being pregnant with these dramatic reactions.

Let it be and wait for her to make contact. If she wishes to reach out, be open to a chat via messenger or phone and remain respectful of her grief.

If down the line, she wishes to meet up face to face, before or after your baby is born, arrange a catch up somewhere neutral like your Mum’s home where your sister can leave and you can also leave.

Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy and birth. Spoil yourself before baby is born and do something lovely with your partner or a close friend or family member

I can't imagine not being happy for my sister and behaving like this tbh.

You’re very lucky. Plenty of women struggling with pregnancy loss and/or infertility do and we hate it.

The running out and driving home when you told her was very dramatic and no matter of you told her by text, email, phone or in person would have been difficult for her.

It is completely different not being told face to face. It’s awful to react like that to what should be happy news, and if someone is kind enough to tell you by text at least you are spared them seeing that reaction or the horrible bumbling conversation where you’re trying say congratulations while trying not to cry. Nobody want to behave in that way.

Spandauballet

I'm entitled to my opinion just like you.
So you think it's ok to make your pregnant sister feel like shit because you've had a pregnancy loss?

I also know two sisters one who had 7 children (yes 7) the other infertile. She made a great aunt. You may not believe me but it's 100% true.
Her behaviour seems over the top and she should be happy for her sister although I can understand her taking a step back, her behaviour seems immature.
Miscarriage will always be taboo unfortunately. I should know. People find it awkward to talk about, generally unless you've had one people don't want to talk about it.
Yes everyone grieves and reacts differently but to disown your pregnant sister is just selfish. She will regret her behaviour unless her sister is forgiving.

Enjoy your pregnancy op and don’t be afraid to celebrate it.
I say that as someone who has 3 consecutive miscarriages before having my first child.
I was desperate to be a mother and I was heartbroken after each miscarriage, but I could never have behaved like your sister has. Sadly life goes on, people get pregnant everyday and your sister has to find away of dealing with it.
Sounds like you’ve been really sympathetic towards your sister but you can’t hide yourself or your baby away forever x

@ShutUpaYourFace I'm not sure other people's positive experience of moving on quickly is a factor. I've no doubt your story of 7 children is true but that's not a gold standard for one and all. Any two people will react to their miscarriages completely differently, just like they'll react to any other loss or life adversity differently.

It's strange to say MC will "always be taboo" - no, it will just continue to be whilst women are judged for their feelings and behaviours. She is withdrawing because she doesn't feel she can openly admit how she feels (jealous, angry, aggrieved etc - all natural reactions). You're almost suggesting she wants to be reacting this way or is being deliberately vindictive which I very much doubt is the case.

Nasty, nasty, nasty women on this thread calling a woman who has had a miscarriage and now struggling to conceive jealous, self-absorbed and telling her to grow up. She has done nothing spiteful to her sister, she is withdrawing to heal. Leave her alone.
The OP really did not need to announce her pregnancy on social media. Especially so soon after what would have been the birth of her sister's child. Being kind would have involved sending the important people a text. I really don't understand this need to have everyone give you a public round of applause for conceiving.
@Rigolo - you don't get to decide when is late enough to lose a pregnancy to be entitled to grieve. Who made you god? I suspect the OPs sister is now terrified she may never conceive again at all given the 9 months since the miscarriage. As PP have said, everyone reacts differently to miscarriage and infertility. Nobody on here has the right to decree what is 'right' and 'wrong' in terms of emotional reaction to loss.

I was also in this position OP but I was the sister who had the miscarriage. It did hurt of course , but our parents both gently talked me through how important it also was to give my sister and the beautiful niece she went on to have , the love and celebration they deserved. I’m sorry you’ve been denied this and think that your sister has gone way too far. Many of us have miscarriages, it is not uncommon . Mine was at 13 weeks and was twins and you never forget . But .. that pain cannot be allowed to turn into bitterness and envy ... babies should and do spread joy and hope !

I think all you can do is let her know how much this is now hurting you - and maybe also other close family members who may be able to sensitively help her - as this needs to stop now or you both risk losing your sisterhood too.

I hope your sister can put her loss aside now And be there for you . Good luck with the birth and warm congratulations 🥰

I believe 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. If every women crumbled into a big mess for months afterwards society would grind to a halt.
I am not being nasty, her behaviour towards her sister seems unreasonable and immature to me.

It could just be the proverbial straw though. I have seen people go to pieces over less and everyone is sympathetic. It only seems to be with miscarriage that women are told to pull themselves together. What are you making such a big deal out of this for? Etc.

I say this as someone who has been fortunate enough not to have suffered a miscarriage.

I believe 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. If every women crumbled into a big mess for months afterwards society would grind to a halt. I am not being nasty, her behaviour towards her sister seems unreasonable and immature to me.

You are being nasty, intentionally or not. No one is talking about “society grinding to a halt” or “crumbling into a mess”. We’re talking about retreating away from other women/situations which are painful, temporarily, in order to hopefully allow time to heal. Hardly societal collapse.

Hey OP

I'm sorry your sister has taken the news of your pregnancy badly. I've been in her situation before and whilst I didn't ignore my sister's pregnancy, I couldn't be happy for her like I wanted. I had to distance myself and thinking back it was probably confusing and horrible for her, she probably needed more support from me whilst she was pregnant but I also had to put myself first and distance myself for my own mental wellbeing. I honestly felt like the worst person in the world and I still feel a lot of guilt for being a shitty sister. But I think if I had stuck a smile on my face constantly and asked about how she was doing I'd have ended up having a break down. It wasn't her fault I was feeling like that. It was no one's fault but my own pain took over and felt like the only thing that mattered. Luckily when the baby was born everything went back to a more normal relationship. Everything went away, all the feelings of hurt and anger went and I felt nothing but love.

The thing I'm most grateful for was my sister never pushed me. Yes of course she spoke about her pregnancy, but she was mindful of my feelings and didn't talk about it constantly. She gave me as much space as she could to feel how I felt. After a long journey I'm now 33 weeks pregnant. Your sister will probably come around when the baby is here. Try to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and wait for your sister to come to you. She probably feels terrible for her behaviour, it's possible she may have had more losses you're not aware of.

Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. You have done nothing wrong and your sister isn't upset or angry at you. She's upset and angry at her own situation.

Essentialhummus
Nine months is not temporary retreat. She didn't speak to her sister for 2 weeks after she 1st announced her pregnancy, fair enough. But now she has not spoken to her sister since she announced her pregnancy on social media and she even waited until she was 7 months in order to not offend her sister. Nasty or not she shouldn't behave that way. It's nasty of her sister to treat her like that. If you think it's ok that's up to you.
I've had 4 miscarriages. You have to carry on life goes on. You can't wrap people in cotton wool forever it's called real life!

The thing I'm most grateful for was my sister never pushed me. Yes of course she spoke about her pregnancy, but she was mindful of my feelings and didn't talk about it constantly. She gave me as much space as she could to feel how I felt.

@London91

Congrats on your pregnancy 🙂

I think this is likely one of the issues here. OP says herself at the very end of her first post that she keeps reaching out even though her sister says she’s not ready. She is trying to push her sister to a place she is not at yet due to her fear of her sister not being there or bonding with her baby.

The baby isn’t here just yet and who knows what the rules are going to be when OP actually gives birth and after. Her sister may come around then.

It would be nice if OP came back and gave a bit more details to the situation.

It's a shame the Op didn't engage with this thread at all.

Perhaps the answers weren't helpful in finding any way of resolving the situation or mending a previously close relationship with her sister?
It's not really about taking sides and deciding who's right or wrong, it's trying to deal with the hurt and move towards building bridges with sister.

I've no doubt Op understands her sister's reasons for her actions. She sounds sympathetic, acknowledging her sister's grief, sending flowers on the lost baby's "birthday" and so on. It must be very upsetting to not even get a Thank you or a short reply via text, just being completely blanked.

Her miscarriage happened extremely early in the pregnancy. 6 weeks pregnant is barely pregnant at all

I believe 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. If every women crumbled into a big mess for months afterwards society would grind to a halt

Nasty, NASTY comments.

It’s not just the miscarriage. I was in the sisters position. Here is a list of absolute shit and emotional turmoil I had I had to deal with following my second miscarriage of my “barely pregnant” pregnancy.

Miscarried in the work toilets. Had to cry out for strangers to help me.
Taken to A&E and kept in overnight and put on morphine for the pain.
ERPC the next morning
Periods didn’t return
Struggle to be taken seriously by my GP to be investigated for Asherman’s caused by the ERPC.
Suicidal feelings
Self harm
Diagnosed with PTSD
EMDR therapy for PTSD
Constant worry that I will never have children.
Numerous scans of my uterus to investigate the damage to my womb.
Referrals to gynaecologist for tests and investigations
I guess that’s what you would call crumbling into a big mess?
But I guess I was barely pregnant. Should just pull my socks up and jump for joy for every pregnant woman I see.

None of us have any idea what the sister is going through post miscarriage. I bet even the op doesn’t know everything her sister is dealing with.

Thankfully, I’m pregnant now - 18 weeks. I don’t expect any fuss from anyone.

I didn’t say it was. I was giving an example of how we don’t always know what people are going through.

As you clearly have had an empathy bypass, I wont be engaging in any more conversation with you.

Is that what you want empathy?
Maybe I had a empathy bypass because of my own experiences. I don't need to go into full detail.
I simply believe OP's sister is wrong to treat her as she has.

I don’t want empathy. The OP’s sister needs empathy.

Bye

My empathy goes to the OP.
Being made to feel she can't enjoy her pregnancy fully, she didn't feel she could tell everyone earlier or do the normal things as she wished. Having to tread on eggshells all the time and being ignored by the one person who you need to be there for you. Going out of your way to be kind and patient and not getting anything back in return. This isn't something that happened weeks ago, it been months.
I have every empathy for those who've had miscarriage but that is no excuse to treat others that are pregnant badly.

You empathise more with a woman who is having a healthy pregnancy, but isn't getting the celebration she might have liked, more than a woman who lost one baby and still hasn't been able to conceive?

I mean, each to their own, but I do find this quite strange tbh.

I believe 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. If every women crumbled into a big mess for months afterwards society would grind to a halt

@ShutUpaYourFace this has to be one of the most absurd things I've read in a while. 1 in 2 people get cancer in their lifetime. If every one of them crumbled into a big mess afterwards society would grind to a halt.

• is that something you'd ever think to say? Your insinuation (or outright accusation) that OPs sister, or anyone who has suffered MC, the circumstances of which we don't know, is going out of her way to make OP feel bad is making you look and sound...well, nasty. There is no timeline on emotional healing. The lack of empathy or basic compassion from someone who like yourself has suffered multiple MCs themselves is pretty alarming tbh. (That's not to say one shouldn't feel sad for OP - the two things aren't mutually exclusive).

Maybe I had a empathy bypass because of my own experiences

@ShutUpaYourFace a telling comment maybe. Are you sure you've dealt with your losses? A lack of empathy can be a sign of a number of mental health conditions. And I say that as a doctor myself, not to be mean.