AIBU to be upset about my sisters reaction to my pregnancy?

[helloiamnewhere]

Hello, my sister and I are very close in age and both recently got married to our long term partners. I have a young step son who's mother is not involved and he is my world, my sister and her partner do not yet have any children. My sister told me and our Mum she was pregnant late last year but unfortunately lost the baby at six weeks pregnant. This was very sad as she has always wanted to be a mother and has been grieving ever since. Shortly after she lost the baby I found out I was pregnant, I put off telling her for longer than I normally would have as I was worried about her reaction following their loss. When I told her she burst into tears and drove home and then didn't speak to me for two weeks (we normally speak daily). I was really upset about this but understood her reaction. I have put off celebrating my birth and doing some of the things I would have done because I want to be tactful to my sister. She started speaking to me again and tried to act happy for me but then I announced by birth on social media at seven months and she has not spoken to me since (I am due in three week). I am so upset as I want my sister to be involved in the babies life. Obviously this is a very tough time for her as she has not been able to conceive following her miscarriage nine months ago. My mother is caught up in the middle of the situation and tensions are running high. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? I keep reaching out to my sister but she said she is too upset to speak to me :(

Everyone’s entitled to different opinions and everyone deals with everything differently but it really isn’t that hard for her sister to just at least pretend to be a bit supportive of her sister being pregnant when the op supported her more than enough and was more than sensitive about her miscarriage.

OP said she did tried to pretend in her first post.

I have put off celebrating my birth and doing some of the things I would have done because I want to be tactful to my sister. She started speaking to me again and tried to act happy for me but then I announced by birth on social media at seven months and she has not spoken to me since (I am due in three week).

We also don’t know exactly how OP’s sister feels nor does OP. OP’s sister could be ecstatic for her and struggling underneath her grief.

OP likely has many people who are happy for her and understandably she wants her sister there but at this time her sister isn’t at that point to celebrate with her yet. No one nor is her sister stopping OP from celebrating her pregnancy. OP is stopping herself because she wants her sister there, and knows to a certain extent that her sister isn’t available. OP can’t push her sister and her sister shouldn’t be pushed to get over her grief to make OP happy.

The OP says she wants her sister in her baby’s life, but the baby is not here yet. Her sister may come around once the baby is here.

Hmmm based on what you've said, I suspect that you haven't been as sensitive to your sister as you could have been. I'm sure you didn't intentionally hurt her feelings but I think you could have done things slightly differently.

For example, telling her about your pregnancy in person, from what I've heard many women who have suffered pregnancy loss actually prefer to be told over the phone or via a message so that they don't have to put a brave face on and can end the call to have a cry or process the news before replying to the message.

Secondly, announcing your pregnancy on social media - of course you're within your rights to do that, but perhaps the timing of the announcement was unfortunate, or perhaps it just caught her off guard to see it in her feed - she might have preferred a heads up beforehand.

Lastly, if you're contacting her a lot about your pregnancy, it's probably too much and you need to step back a bit.

OTOH, it was kind of you to send her flowers for what would have been her due date, and it was a bit rude of her not to acknowledge it and thank you.

I wish you all the best for the birth. I suggest that you give your sister some space and try not to worry about her too much, you can't expect her to be happy for you sadly, so just be grateful for the support you do have and enjoy baby when they arrive.

Hope your sister manages to get pregnant again and have a healthy baby very soon.

@diddl, no but if the family are all sedate and refraining from joy and baby talk and excitement etc, esp the OP’s mum, then it’s only fair that they behave exactly the same if/when the sister falls pregnant.
I mean, what’s going to happen at Christmas when the OP has a new baby and her sister has sadly still not conceived? I really hope it’s not all played down for the sister’s sake. If her sister and husband are still not pregnant at Christmas then they should either get away or spend it just the two of them. That’s assuming she’s still unable to be happy for the OP. I’m not saying the sister would do this but it would be utterly selfish to expect family to spend it together without mention of the wonderful new addition.

Well again, when the baby is here, Op's sister will have to do as she feels best.

It's doubtful that she will be able to ignore her niece/nephew forever, & as with any invitation, if she feels that she can't cope then she needs to decline.

Op's mother is "caught in the middle"-that doesn't mean that she's ignoring Op's pregnancy, does it?

Perhaps more that both her daughters are putting their sides forward & she isn't willing to choose one?

[quote Neednewwellies]@diddl, no but if the family are all sedate and refraining from joy and baby talk and excitement etc, esp the OP’s mum, then it’s only fair that they behave exactly the same if/when the sister falls pregnant.
I mean, what’s going to happen at Christmas when the OP has a new baby and her sister has sadly still not conceived? I really hope it’s not all played down for the sister’s sake. If her sister and husband are still not pregnant at Christmas then they should either get away or spend it just the two of them. That’s assuming she’s still unable to be happy for the OP. I’m not saying the sister would do this but it would be utterly selfish to expect family to spend it together without mention of the wonderful new addition.[/quote]
I don't know if, in reality, it works like this. If you're going through a tough time, you're going through a tough time. I don't think it's usually a matter of, well if she got this, I have to get this too type of thing.

I have a friend who had long lasting fertility problems and a few who have had miscarriages. The one with the fertility problems told me about them, just as I was about to have dc2. After dc2 was born, I always just met up with her on her own, no dcs or family things. She has now gone on and had a baby and I've been making the usual fuss. Of course! I wouldn't say to her, sorry, I'm taking no interest as you showed no interest in my pregnancy and baby. That would be so harsh. The way I see that situation is that I was lucky not to be going through what she had to.

I know sisters are maybe a different ball game though, but you know.

"The way I see that situation is that I was lucky not to be going through what she had to."

Well yes, who would begrudge a sibling being given more fuss when what had led to it was a miscarriage?

I don't think it works like that at all in families. Because where healthy family relationships are concerned, we love each other and want each other to be happy. I was very happy for my DSis when she had all three of her DC. In turn, she acted as a referee when we adopted DD2. I then was a referee when she and her DH adopted their their third DC. (This was a little boy they adopted from birth.)

Basically, we had each other's backs. Some things were painful, but we were there for each other regardless. (She was my bridesmaid when I got married despite the fact that she was suffering in silence when her own marriage was abusive.)

It isn't about comparing. That's what my 2 DDs of 11 and 8 do, we're supposed to grow out of that stage surely?

In an ideal world I'd say that's exactly right @Mittens030869, BUT, I would think that if someone who normally can plough on and have my back whatever, suddenly found it too hard to see me, I'd think they were really struggling..?

I mean, not to say op is doing anything bad. Far from it. But just, I'd leave the sister be for a bit. I'm sure she will come around in her own time.

@LadyPrigsbottom

I do get what you're saying. I went through IVF and discovered I was infertile after 4 years of TTC. During that time my SIL had 2 pregnancies and now has 5 DC. She told me that IVF was wrong due to the spare embryos. (I didn't have any embryos at all, as there were no eggs, so that was ironic.)

But that was my SIL, not my DSis, so the impact wasn't so bad. And by the time my DSis got pregnant, I was ready to apply to adopt, so I had come to terms with things by then.

It might have been different if she'd got pregnant earlier admittedly.

at your SIL's comment to you. Yes, sometimes extended family / in-laws say something and you have to do some deep breathing and try to let it bounce off for your own MH. But jeez. What a thing to say!

I think you really need to give her time. When the baby is finally born be kind to her. For whatever reason she hasn’t conceived again, she may have had investigations that are making things harder. I ttc for 10 years before dc was born and it is so hard putting on a smile for other people especially those who want you to enjoy their special time. I’ve gone on to miscarry 4 times in 3 years, and now my world is filled with small children who should have been my missing children’s play mate. Miscarriage is extremely painful, it really is like a pain that keeps on giving. Be kind to her. Be patient. Although the baby is about you, her grief and pain isn’t. She’ll come round when she is ready or she might not.

Your mum, however, really should suck it up and play the appropriate role where ever she happens to be. Doting grandma to be with you, and understanding comforting mother with her. In mumsnet speak you have a mother problem!

@LadyPrigsbottom Thank you, yes it was out of order. And my DSis really did have my back at that point; she was livid on my behalf.

Ordinarily, I just roll my eyes at some of the things my SIL says. It wasn't altogether surprising, as she has strong anti-abortion views, and sees the embryos as actually being alive. She'd also been going on about adoption, which wasn't helpful. (We did go down that road eventually, but I certainly wasn't ready to hear it then.

As someone who went through a very traumatic neonatal loss at 32 weeks, I can’t understand this behaviour. I remember a close family friend very nervously announcing her pregnancy a few weeks afterwards and everyone giving me the side eye to check my reaction which I was really insulted by! I was quite capable of separating my own loss from a perfectly natural and normal event in someone else’s life.

Your sister sounds very self absorbed, and over dramatic, and your mother should be putting her straight on her behaviour to you not putting herself in the ‘middle’. Sounds a bit like she’s the more favoured one? I’d not bother with her until she’s wised up and apologised for her behaviour and how it’s clouded what should be a very exciting time for the whole family. You sound like you are very sensitive to her loss and have been supportive. I’m sure she’ll expect everyone to hang the flags out when she gets pregnant again and will forget how she behaved towards you during your pregnancy. I wouldn’t be buying into that or giving her a chance to reject your DC out of spite because that’s what it will be.

But why would the sister not give it all up and say, look I’m really pleased to finally be pregnant but as there was no fuss over my sister’s baby and you all had to rarely talk about my nephew etc then it’s only fair that I also ask you to make no fuss over my baby and rarely talk about her either.

I am very close to a family where this happened. However, there was no MC involved but there was infertility. Older sister married 6yrs before younger sister. Trying to get pregnant all that time. Failed IVF etc. Younger sister marries and falls pregnant immediately. The older sister would not speak to the younger one and ranted about it to all family and friends calling her younger sister selfish and unfeeling. Insisted her parents didn’t make a fuss. Told her parents she was devastated and they accepted this and hardly saw their younger daughter’s child. Younger daughter was told it was best not to come for Christmas when she was pregnant as that would upset older daughter. Then amazingly older daughter did finally managed to get pregnant and shockingly both her and her parents then talked non stop about the coming baby and wanted the younger daughter to join in and be part of the fawning. Younger daughter declined and hardly sees any of them. They cannot see how hurt she was by it.

My point is, of course the sister may want to temporarily remove herself but it must be her to take herself away from the joy and excitement of it all. It is not acceptable to ask anyone else to lessen their joy or involvement.

I think your sister is probably protecting herself. My SIL came over to irvhiusecwavibgvher scan photo just as we were starting ivf which she knew about. I'm afraid I couldn't see her until I be sne pregnant too. I know it's not nice behaviour but I am only human. Our boys are 5 months apart in age. She sadly miscarried another baby at 9 weeks and then understood my actions.

"But why would the sister not give it all up and say, look I’m really pleased to finally be pregnant but as there was no fuss over my sister’s baby and you all had to rarely talk about my nephew etc then it’s only fair that I also ask you to make no fuss over my baby and rarely talk about her either."

But we don't know that there is no fuss-other than from the sister & what Op herself decided not to do!

Jeez, the poor sister may never get pregnant again & you're talking about what she should do based on current unknown actions of Op's family!

I have no personal stake in this because I didn't want children, didn't have children and adopted my two when teenagers.

My sister, however, went through years of miscarriages, infertility and failed IVF before having her two children. This was happening at the same time as our brothers wife, who we are both close to.

My sister withdrew from the relationship and from the family - apart from me - for those years where our SIL was falling pregnant easily time ams time again (they have four children). It wasn't our brother or sister in laws fault and my sister didn't love them any less, she was just protecting herself. It was also difficult for me as I was the one stuck in the middle of people I loved very much - one couple celebrating and the other couple in despair. It was a tricky road to navigate and the only way to do it is not to take sides and love and understand wash couples' challenges without mentioning the other one.

My brother and sister in law didn't see my sister and her husband for years, but they understood and waited quietly until my sister was ready. They then embraced them and they have womderful relationships with the children.

My sister, after years of pain, eventually got her happy ending and her beautiful children. But there are four dates each year where she still mourns the four little lives that never got to make it into the world and, even now, if she hears of someone getting pregnant and due around those dates, she sheds a few tears for her losses - which are now nearly 20 years ago.

Christ alive, @RatsolutelyFabulous, I did not say the OPs life was perfect. I said she has her happy ending - a baby - and her sister does not. Of course anything could happen - one of them could get hit by a bus tomorrow - but you are spectacularly missing the point.
I'd also like to give a huge round of applause to those of you who suffered miscarriages and infertility and were still able to snap themselves out of it and plaster a smile on for their pregnant friends. Not everyone can do that. Some people need time and space to themselves to come to terms with their situation. Or to just avoid pregnant people. Or to do nothing but eat chocolate and lie on the sofa. It's incredibly spiteful to say "I could do this, so I don't know why someone else can't."

@CoronaIsShit you can’t understand that some people may React differently than you to loss and infertility? Seriously?

That’s wonderful you didn’t let it impact your relationships but I would say you are the exception rather than the rule. My DSIL lost a baby at 25 weeks and had to leave her best friends hen party as there were pregnant women there and her DH had to pick her up roaring and crying from the bus stop. My friend whose baby was stillborn said she hates seeing pregnant people even though she has gone on to have more children - she said herself even when she herself was pregnant and had a bump she couldn’t stand other women with a bump. Their feelings are equally as valid as yours even if you don’t understand them and they’re not entirely rational.

Also @helloiamnewhere has not come back to day what she means by her mother being in the middle and wanting her sister involved. If she is ringing her mother saying why won’t DSIS be all excited for me and the mother is ringing berating her DSIS who for all op knows is now looking at IVF given her inability to conceive post miscarriage or if op is calling her with baby updates to ‘reach out’ or asking if she’s going to attend her gender reveal then it’s not the sister who is being unreasonable if that is the situation in my opinion. It’s very easy for posters here to brand the sister as selfish and horrible when we don’t know the full picture. And I do think pregnant women should be able to celebrate their pregnancies but it’s no harm to be mindful of others. I am going through IvF and when I get pregnant I can tell you here and now there will be no baby shower no scan pics sent to friends and nothing on social media as I know I could wound and upset someone who is on the same journey and that I may not know about. I don’t need to splash a pregnancy over social media to feel special. Being pregnant and having a baby is the most special thing in the world without needing fanfare as well.

OP waited a whole seven months before announcing her pregnancy. It seems to me that she's done all she can to be tactful.

But she shouldn't have to hide away and pretend it's not happening. What happens when the baby arrives? Can she not express joy? Will the rest of the family have to avoid swing much of her and the baby so as not to upset her sister?

Swing= seeing

OP your sister needs to grow up.
I've have 4 miscarriages and my lovely niece had her baby between me having my scan and subsequent surgery for my 3rd pregnancy loss.
I visited her in hospital, held her baby and was over the moon for her, all the time knowing my baby had died. I didn't tell her until later and she didn't know I was even pregnant. At the end of the day, yes it is hard for her but it's not your fault, she should be grown up enough to accept and be happy for you, especially if she wants to be a mum.
Be kind and be patient with her that's all you can do.

Celebrate your joy quietly ( if you put it in Facebook again that would put you in cunty territory) and hopefully she will turn around one day and apologise hopefully with her arms full of babies

No, it would not make OP a cunt. This is her first baby, she has a right to be exited and share her news with the people she knows (pretty sure she has more people than just her sister on social media) especially in this current climate where she has not been in a position to see people in person. If the sister doesn't want to see pregnancy/baby related stuff on her newsfeed, it would be very simple for her to unfollow OP. I unfollowed some friends who were due around the same time as the baby I lost.

Sadly OP, your sister, at present, does not want to continue the same level of communication with you as she did before. Seems like you are just going to have to leave her be. Her loss is not your fault. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy

Some of the responses here are appalling.

@ShutUpaYourFace - "grow up, especially if she wants to be a mum"
@CoronaIsShit - "selfish and self absorbed"

Is it any wonder that speaking about miscarriage and baby loss is still so taboo. Does it occur to you that not everyone may react the same to a given situation? That OPs sister is actually grieving? That you lost a baby at 32 weeks, or have had multiple MCs, and were able to embrace another child I would say makes you the exception not the rule. Congratulations to you. However it is absolutely horrendous to be so incredibly sneering and judgmental of another woman's reaction to a loss.

I feel sorry for your sister but it sounds like she would benefit from some counselling to help her grieve her loss and deal with her feelings about it. Her miscarriage happened extremely early in the pregnancy. 6 weeks pregnant is barely pregnant at all, let's be honest, and although grief is to be expected however early the loss, she's been holding on to it, strongly and viciously, for some time now seeing as you're about to give birth yourself. It's sad that you're having to downplay your own joy because of what is, quite frankly, her jealousy. Her sadness, yes, but she is jealous of you and that is sad in itself. Poor her and poor you. YANBU to be disappointed for her behaviour, I would be too. It's not even that she's not happy for you, she is sad for herself and taking it out on you rather than processing her loss for herself. That isn't fair. On either of you. You are not responsible for what she doesn't have. She needs to move on in the nicest possible way and it seems she needs (professional) help with that. Your family's happiness aside, that stress and bad feeling won't be helping her chances of conceiving either. Good luck to you, this isn't an easy time at all to be going through all of this.