AIBU to be upset about my sisters reaction to my pregnancy?

[helloiamnewhere]

Hello, my sister and I are very close in age and both recently got married to our long term partners. I have a young step son who's mother is not involved and he is my world, my sister and her partner do not yet have any children. My sister told me and our Mum she was pregnant late last year but unfortunately lost the baby at six weeks pregnant. This was very sad as she has always wanted to be a mother and has been grieving ever since. Shortly after she lost the baby I found out I was pregnant, I put off telling her for longer than I normally would have as I was worried about her reaction following their loss. When I told her she burst into tears and drove home and then didn't speak to me for two weeks (we normally speak daily). I was really upset about this but understood her reaction. I have put off celebrating my birth and doing some of the things I would have done because I want to be tactful to my sister. She started speaking to me again and tried to act happy for me but then I announced by birth on social media at seven months and she has not spoken to me since (I am due in three week). I am so upset as I want my sister to be involved in the babies life. Obviously this is a very tough time for her as she has not been able to conceive following her miscarriage nine months ago. My mother is caught up in the middle of the situation and tensions are running high. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? I keep reaching out to my sister but she said she is too upset to speak to me :(

[NoIDontWatchLoveIsland]

I've been in your sisters position twice and I think she is taking it too far. I lost two babies while my sister was pregnant. Her baby was born on one of my due dates. I was hurting inside but very happy for my sister, a baby is always a joy

[PirateWeasel]

This is such an emotive subject. I was single throughout my teens and twenties until I met DH just before I turned 30. Every single event, party, celebration that I had to attend alone nearly destroyed me, and every wedding invitation and pregnancy announcement was a stab in the heart. I get it. But imagine what I'd have missed out on if I'd shut myself away for 13 years because I couldn't bear seeing couples or children. You just can't do it. People are dealing with grief all the time in one way or another, but you have to keep going. Sooner or later your sister will realise this, but it will be in her own time. All you can do is give her that time, and keep the door open for her. It won't make up for the absence of your sister, but hopefully you have supportive friends who can celebrate with you as you and the baby deserve.

[PurpleDaisies]

I’m not sure you can compare grieving the recent loss of baby to being single for a long time Pirate. This is one acute event that’s constantly in focus at the moment because of her sister’s pregnancy.

[iffymiffy]

Indeed. Being single is not the same as having a baby die...

[Pesimistic]

If your news is affecting her that much, she needs to have some counciling. I've had a miscarage, but I would never act like that, no one plans to get pregnant because you've had a miscarage and want to rub your nose in it. You've done nothing wrong.

[PlumForDinner]

no one plans to get pregnant because you've had a miscarage and want to rub your nose in it

No one has ever suggested this is what's happened, not once. And I'm sure OPs sister probably doesn't think this is the case either.

Just because someone doesn't do something to rub your nose in it doesn't mean it won't affect you though. It's still a reminder all the same.

And yes, she probably could benefit from some counselling.

Again, saying how you reacted to miscarriage has absolutely no bearing on how this woman will react. It has no relevance at all. This woman's grief is her own, it affects us all differently. What one person or another does in or how they deal with a given situation can be vastly different.

[PlumForDinner]

And no I don't think OP has done anything wrong, nothing at all. Personally I don't think the flowers were the right idea but that's me but no I don't think OP is unreasonable.

I just don't think her sister is either. Just let the woman deal with her issues in her own space and time. What good would come of essentially forcing her to be happy and celebrate with you? It won't make OP feel any better knowing her sister is putting on an act for OPs benefit. She's made it very clear that she's hurting and needs some time so just allow her to have it and get on with enjoying your pregnancy yourself and with other people who are able to with you.

[LadyPrigsbottom]

no one plans to get pregnant because you've had a miscarage and want to rub your nose in it

No one plans to have a miscarriage, not be able to conceive again and then ruin someone's "look at me, I'm pregnant" party, with their pesky grief and sadness .

And again, I'm someone who has had two dcs, never had a miscarriage and who has always had the normal level of good sense to not insist anyone joined in my pregnancy / new baby celebrations.

[LadyPrigsbottom]

@LadyPrigsbottom

no one plans to get pregnant because you've had a miscarage and want to rub your nose in it

No one plans to have a miscarriage, not be able to conceive again and then ruin someone's "look at me, I'm pregnant" party, with their pesky grief and sadness .

And again, I'm someone who has had two dcs, never had a miscarriage and who has always had the normal level of good sense to not insist anyone joined in my pregnancy / new baby celebrations.

Again, not saying this is the op. But based on some posts on this bonkers thread, it seems as if the "I'm pregnant squee" party trumps all .

[LadyPrigsbottom]

And the thing is, yes, of course celebrate your pregnancy. Enjoy it, announce it, have 25 nany showers and a "gender" reveal party with cake, balloons, the works. But nobody has the right to insist someone who isn't up it, joins in. How bloody childish.

[PlumForDinner]

it seems as if the "I'm pregnant squee" party trumps all

I think a lot of people do think this. In my mind I just think have your party and celebrations with people who are genuinely able to celebrate with you of which I'm sure there will be many. I would hate to force someone hurting to be 'happy' and 'celebrate' with me just so I could feel good. Why would anyone want that?

I'd much rather my friends or family, whoever it is, took the time they needed to heal than just sent a few meaningless 'congratulations' messages and pretended to be overjoyed around me when they were actually in pain. Why would you want someone you loved to do that? Not OP but people on this thread definitely seem to think so.

[LadyPrigsbottom]

Couldn't agree more with everything you just said @PlumForDinner.

I honestly can't believe some of the posts on here.

And although, yes the op has been sensitive, there are things I would not have done with friends or a sibling who was struggling as the sister clearly is.

1. I wouldn't have told her my news in person
   
2. I wouldn't have announced on SM (I actually wouldn't do this anyway though tbf)
   
3. I wouldn't have sent cut flowers as a gift on the due date of her sister's baby
   
   This is all stuff I have learnt from MN, reading what people who have suffered losses say. Obviously, not everyone is the same and not everyone would mind any of this and obviously, I don't think the op did any of this to be unkind at all, but I still wouldn't be giving her any prizes for her amazing sensitivity, as a few posters on here seem to be. Not to be harsh to the op, as her heart definitely seems to be in the right place. But no, she cannot now insist that her sister joins in and everything is a big celebration. It isn't a celebratory time for her sister.
   
   Again, my parent died just before I fell pregnant with dc1. Imagine if I'd taken the hump saying "my sibling got a big fuss made when they were expecting their baby! I want the SAME THING! STAMP STAMP. I don't care if you're grieving surviving parent, siblings and deceased parents' parents (who sadly outlived my parent). I WANT MY BIG FUSS"! Um....no.

[LadyPrigsbottom]

Parent's parents sorry*

[rhnireland205]

I think your sister is being very unfair to you. You haven't gotten pregnant to spite her and her sadness while 100% understandable is not your burden to bear

And I say that having had years of infertility and 4 miscarriages.

[PlumForDinner]

her sadness while 100% understandable is not your burden to bear

All she's done is stepped away. In what way is that expecting OP to bear the burden of her sadness? If she was banning OP from speaking about her pregnancy then yes I'd agree with you. Simply removing herself from a painful situation is not expecting anyone else to bear anything. The sister is bearing it, alone.

Again I ask, would you really want someone you cared about to struggle through a celebration with you just to make you feel good? Would you really want someone you loved to be in pain but feel forced to act overjoyed in your presence to make it less uncomfortable for you?

Surely you'd just prefer them to step away and deal with their issues in their own space and allow you to get on with your own celebrations with people who can genuinely celebrate with you? Which is exactly what the sister has done. OP has other people who can celebrate with her here.

[ShutUpaYourFace]

Ladyprigsbottom
No ones giving out prizes. Some people just don't agree with you.

So how do think OP should have told her sister. By text ?
Why should OP not announce on SM?
She has every right to tell her friends. Some people live every breath on sm. (surprised her sister hasn't just blocked her)
OP waited until 7 months in fear of causing upset.
I'm not sure about the flowers she knows her sister better maybe she likes flowers.

I don't think OP is bring unreasonable and being pregnant is supposed to be a happy time. She doesn't want her sister to join in the party and celebrating I believe she just wants her sister. She's not spoken to her for so long. Grieving or not don't you think that's weird?
I don't think your last paragraph is either relevant or necessary in this case.
She doesn't want a fuss she just misses her sister. who definitely needs professional help. Pushing the people she loves away won't help her. Yes women react differently to miscarriage, to me, her reaction seems extreme. Nobody here is right or wrong.
Life is cruel. You can move on or let it run your life and everyone's around you.

[LadyPrigsbottom]

[PositivelyPrecious]

@ShutUpaYourFace yes the op waiting until her sisters due date to announce her pregnancy on Facebook was so thoughtful of her.

[Ilovechinese]

I know its upsetting for you but if she cant be happy for you then she is doing the right thing in leaving you alone. She is obviously jealous and not feeling good about you and that is not nice you dont want bad energy around you or your precious baby. I have suffered a lot of miscarriages myself but would never act like this to someone else especially someone as close as a sister. Plus you said she has only had one miscarriage. (Not saying it isn't upsetting still) but there is nothing to say she wont ever have a baby of her own, I had lots of miscarriages, lost count but I'd say 8 or 9 then I had my baby boy. It's not your fault she lost her baby yet it seems like she is trying to make you feel guilty instead of being happy for you. Just forget her and let her come to you when she is ready and if she doesn't it's her loss and she will lose her relationship with her sister and also her niece or nephew and maybe others when they see how bitter she is being

[LadyPrigsbottom]

Your trademark empathy on show again shutup. You really are a charmer.

In answer to your questions, I would have told her by text. I told most people about my pregnancies by text. My surviving parent and one sibling I told over the phone with the first one. With the second everyone except my parent and grandparent was by text, parent and grandparent by phone. And do you know, the strangest thing happened? This did NOT in fact, contrary to popular belief, ruin my pregnancy . I know, right?

I did not announce either pregnancy on FB. I only know a handful of people who did this with theirs. It is far from essential. If I did do this, no I wouldn't have done it around the due date of a close friend or family member's lost baby, if I knew that date.

Re the flowers, when a friend of mine suffered a MC at 10 weeks, a much wanted baby, I sent her a package with stuff I knew she would like. Not flowers, as I had read on here that is a no no. When a relative had a very late loss. I think technically a still birth, I send her a letter.

[Ilovechinese]

Can I just ask what is wrong with flowers? As I haven't heard of that and a friend sent me flowers after I lost a baby at 18vweeks

[AnotherEmma]

I agree with Lady.

It wouldn't have occurred to me about the flowers being upsetting, but now several people have said it, I get it.

I also think it's ok to announce on social media but I would be very careful about the timing and give her a heads up beforehand so she can unfollow if she wants.

[LadyPrigsbottom]

I saw a thread on here a few years ago @Ilovechinese and many people posted saying that they did not like getting flowers after a MC, that they were too funeral like and that as they started to wilt, it was very saddening.

Not everyone is the same though, which is kind of the point. One person will sail through a loss like this and some people will take it harder. Everyone grieves in their own way and it is so shitty of posters on here insisting that she's a bitter old meany for avoiding her sister.

Jesus, look at the "do you like your sibling" thread. People avoid their sisters all the damn time. She doesn't want to spend time with her sister. They are both grown adults. There is no obligation for her to see her if she doesn't want to.

Pps might be right that, if she does come round, the op might not be so warm towards her anymore, but that's the way it goes sometimes. What can the op do? Nothing, would be my advice. Just leave her be. Their relationship will recover or it won't. The op needs to focus on her pregnancy and totally forget about reaching out to her sister. I imagine if and when she is ready she will get back in touch.

[Ilovechinese]

@LadyPrigsbottom thank you for answering, that makes sense. I dont like receiving flowers much myself but only because I never really know how to care for them and would prefer chocolates though of course I am grateful and appreciate anyone buying me a gift. Tbh I think it is a little bad of the sister to avoid her completely like she has done something wrong. I can understand it may be hard to see her in person with her growing bump but surely just a little text now and then not even speaking about pregnancy shouldn't be too hard? After all they are sisters and were apparently close before. I have lost both my parents but I dont stop speaking to friends who still have their parents or post about them on social media