AIBU to be upset about my sisters reaction to my pregnancy?

[helloiamnewhere]

Hello, my sister and I are very close in age and both recently got married to our long term partners. I have a young step son who's mother is not involved and he is my world, my sister and her partner do not yet have any children. My sister told me and our Mum she was pregnant late last year but unfortunately lost the baby at six weeks pregnant. This was very sad as she has always wanted to be a mother and has been grieving ever since. Shortly after she lost the baby I found out I was pregnant, I put off telling her for longer than I normally would have as I was worried about her reaction following their loss. When I told her she burst into tears and drove home and then didn't speak to me for two weeks (we normally speak daily). I was really upset about this but understood her reaction. I have put off celebrating my birth and doing some of the things I would have done because I want to be tactful to my sister. She started speaking to me again and tried to act happy for me but then I announced by birth on social media at seven months and she has not spoken to me since (I am due in three week). I am so upset as I want my sister to be involved in the babies life. Obviously this is a very tough time for her as she has not been able to conceive following her miscarriage nine months ago. My mother is caught up in the middle of the situation and tensions are running high. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? I keep reaching out to my sister but she said she is too upset to speak to me :(

Don't mention your dead parents @Ilovechinese, you'll be told your grief is irrelevant 🙄. Being serious I'm very sorry to hear that. Yes, same, I obviously don't avoid everyone who has surviving parents or the holy grail - regular family help with children! Much as I'm sad I obviously can't have that, (as one parent is dead and the other now lives overseas).

But I do think that avoiding a pregnant sister while she is pregnant and around the due date of a lost baby is quite different to avoiding people with surviving parents forever.

I would equate it more to maybe not enjoying seeing all the mother's day things in the shops, the year after losing your mum. Because it's a short space of time, as is the length of a pregnancy in the scheme of things. And the event is happening shortly after you have been bereaved. Does that make sense?

Can I just ask what is wrong with flowers? As I haven't heard of that and a friend sent me flowers after I lost a baby at 18vweeks

For me it was more the fact they were sent on what would have been the sisters due date, not when she actually lost the baby.

That would have been a horrid reminder for me and a punch in the gut tbh. Not everyone's the same but I'd have hated it.

@PlumForDinner oh I didn't read that part that they were sent on what would have been her due date. Thst does seem a little strange not to send them straight after the loss but wait til the duration date but maybe her sister thought she would be feeling upset that day anyway so sent them. Though thinking about it didnt she say she lost the baby at 6 weeks? If so how would she even know her due date? As you usually find that out at your 12 week scan

I assumed it was an estimate based on date of last period? You can get due date calculators I think, which you can use from at least 4 weeks. I think I did this with dc1 anyway, which was a little over 6 years ago. So I had a due date in mind before getting the official one at the scan.

@ShutUpaYourFace, it is LadyPrig actually, not pig.

I mean...re me telling the OP what she should do...no, I don't think I did that actually.

If you read back, you will see that I am supportive of the op and find the situation a sad one for her as well.

What I took issue with was the posts, some of which came from your fine self, (I have an irish accent, so I'm allowed to say this btw, ), saying that the OP's sister was all manner of unpleasant things, that she should get her act together and that the op had been admirably sensitive in the circumstances. I disagree. I think the OP's heart is in the right place, for sure, but I do think some of her actions were inadvertently a little insensitive.

I do have siblings and if they chose not to see me because they are struggling, with ANYTHING, I would respect that. We don't have the closest relationship, and we can definitely irritate each other, but at least we know how to behave if someone says they aren't up to doing the big family events or celebrations. Hint; it isn't to throw a tantrum and say they want a big fuss made of them. How tone deaf is that when someone has just said they are struggling too much to even see you? Not that the op did this, I hasten to add. I have been saying this all along, but think you must have missed it. Not the OP, but what some posters are tantrumming about on her behalf. And if I made that sort of behaviour sound like the actions of a toddler? Well, that's because the astonishing lack of empathy shown on here is similar to that of a small child.

Sorry typo
Wouldn't you be upset if they choose not to talk to you for you for such a long time?
This is months not a few weeks.
I completely get the OP's sister is hurting, I understand that having been there myself.
I have never been rude about the OP's sister. You all pile on me but comments like the one from 1number go un-responded.
I simply believe she needs help and shouldn't push her sister away. Like people have said she may be going through infertility and still finds it hard, but to loose her sister over it seems very strange, especially if they were so close.

And of course I'm not an expert in miscarriage! Far from it. But at least I have the compassion and good sense to realise that not everyone processes losses like this in exactly the same way. Which is why the "I bounced back. I would never have done this" comments are a little of base imo.

And anyway, an actual doctor, who you might say IS an expert came on and strongly disagreed with your posts too @ShutUpaYourFace.

I think this is the first time you have mentioned concern for the OP's sister. In which case I agree with you. She is struggling. But can you see that her pregnant sister possibly isn't the right person to help her at the moment?

If my siblings didn't speak to me for months, like you, I would think they were really struggling with something, want to know if they were ok, but I would never insist they see me until they were ready. No way.

In fact one of my siblings has some serious MH issues and does go AWOL occasionally. As long as I know they are safe and well, I do not push them if they don't want to talk to me personally. And to suggest they HAVE to come along and make a big fuss of me and my baby / pregnancy when they weren't up to it, as some posters here are doing on the OP's behalf. No, that would never happen in my family. We are far from perfect, but thank god we have this much respect for each other.

Leave her alone and she will come to you when she is ready

Though thinking about it didnt she say she lost the baby at 6 weeks? If so how would she even know her due date? As you usually find that out at your 12 week scan
I can't believe you can be that stupid

People who have had mcs don't like to receive cut flowers, they find them upsetting as they remind them of funerals and they feel sad when they start to wilt

Everything aside, I find this absurd.
Whatever the gift, it's a kind gesture to say Thinking of you. Who makes up these rules about what you can and can't do? It seemed some people take offence about the tiniest well meant gestures.

@SmileyClare

People who have had mcs don't like to receive cut flowers, they find them upsetting as they remind them of funerals and they feel sad when they start to wilt

Everything aside, I find this absurd.
Whatever the gift, it's a kind gesture to say Thinking of you. Who makes up these rules about what you can and can't do? It seemed some people take offence about the tiniest well meant gestures.

That's taken a little out of context.

So, this was me paraphrasing what a number of posters who had suffered MC said on a MN thread on this specific subject, (receiving cut flowers after MC), a few years ago.

Not all people will feel this way, but a number of people said they would. This comes down to not everyone processing loss in the same way. No,it isn't an inherently bad thing to do, but enough people said they wouldn't like it for me to avoid doing it myself.

I don't think it's up to one person to make up 'rules' or to declare anything which someone else might find upsetting 'absurd' and they should be grateful for any gift. Grief isn't all that rational is it?

I remember after my parent died, we got a huge bunch of flowers from people who hadn't always been kind or supportive during my parent's lifetime and I swear I (very irrationally and I never vocalised this) HATED those flowers. Grimaced every time I walked past them, inwardly.

[quote PositivelyPrecious]@ShutUpaYourFace yes the op waiting until her sisters due date to announce her pregnancy on Facebook was so thoughtful of her.[/quote]
She didn't do that. Where on earth did you get that idea?

Don’t be part of the ‘you should be over it by now’ crowd. Let her grieve the way she needs to and at present, that’s in private. As difficult as it must be for you, it’s worse for her. There’s no one size fits all grief timetable.

Check in with your sister by but test the temperature of the situation by asking your Mum.

Congratulations but if you are as close as you say you are then you must know that she’s probably missing you too.

to loose her sister over it seems very strange

It's not strange though, nor is it uncommon for people going through this type of thing to withdraw from or avoid those around them whether or not they were close.

Is it sad? Yes. Is it a shame for all involved? Yes. Will they likely reach a point where they feel able to come back together? Hopefully yes given the right time and support.

However it's not strange, it's a perfectly understandable and common reaction. It may not be logical to you or I but these things often aren't. It doesn't mean I can't understand them.

@santaclara there’s this little thing called maths. Pregnancy lasts 9 months. Op sister lost her baby at 6 weeks and op got pregnant shortly afterwards. So by the time the OP was 7 months pregnant her sister would’ve been 9 months pregnant or baby should just have been born.

So it’s not surprising the sister took it very badly as no doubt baby should have been due was on her mind at that time/grieving she wasn’t pregnant again.

OP, you cannot carry anyone else's grief or make it better, they have to come to terms with that themselves. You meanwhile must be hugely excited for your first baby and nobody should take that feeling from you.You are not responsible for her feelings. As @Goingdownto said
Leave her alone and she will come to you when she is ready and hopefully in the future, it will work out for her.

I think that you are probably pushing a bit too hard, too soon. It’s coming from a good place, but you can’t make her ‘get over’ her loss on your schedule. As someone who struggled with conceiving, I found seeing people/friends with babies so hard. I’m pregnant now and if I lost it there’s no way I’d be able to auntie my sisters baby. It would just be too painful. So although your intentions are good I really think you need to give her space - she’ll come round (probably) in her own time. It’s hard, I think, for people who don’t have fertility issue to really understand how truly hard it is - even though deep down she will know your happiness isn’t responsible for her loss. All ten best with the rest of your pregnancy X