Apparently I'm poisoning DSS's food

[Hop27]

Married 5, together 12. No children of our own yet. DSS teen. Ex very angry (still) Relationship with DSS very hit and miss. When he is with us he is very happy, adjusted, warm - but often refuses to come.
His mum hates me and DH, she blames me for the breakdown of their relationship and told DSS from a young age that he left them to be with me. We knew each other through a shared interest. But didn't start seeing each other until after they split. No divorce, hadn't been together long. However she's sees me as 'the ow' who stole her DH, that DH upgraded her for a younger trophy wife.
Sorry, I think that bit of background is important for context. When DSS is here, I generally keep myself to myself, give them space, don't try to parent DSS. But whatever I do it's wrong. DSS cut a recent stay with us short because he thinks I'm putting something in his food to make him sick and because I ignored him when he arrived (I was working) I am so sick and tired of being made to feel like an utterly awful human who is capable of cruel treatment to a child. Just because they didn't work out. I'm just at breaking point with it all .....

Fuck me that’s nuts! I’d tell your H you’re not spending any more time with DSS as he could make all sorts of unsubstantiated allegations.

I'm really sorry. It's always hard starting a new relationship when there are children involved, especially if the other parent is stirring things. I do wish I had good advice, but I am on the other side. My dd knows that I hate her Dad's new lady, but I do my very best not to stir things up for her as I know it will only make dd unhappy.

Some mothers can be evil. I know it's hard but you cannot blame DSS or take this out on him. He is still a child and is a product of the venom that he has been fed. The truth will out eventually. My OH had a similar situation growing up. His mother created the illusion that his father was pure evil and genuinely didn't care about him. We went through his old emails when we looking into a family/life history thing for our adoption application and found some truly nasty things my OH had said to his dad.
After we met, OH moved out from his mum, went to university etc, he had an immediate u-turn and could see the situation clearly. It took quite a few years to repair the relationship but he gets on so well with his dad and stepmom now - and is no contact with his mother.
The truth will out in the end, you just need to stick it out and be the bigger person until then unfortunately.

That is awful. 12 years you have been together. Even of you were the ow (I'm not saying you are) there really needs to be a point where you dont have to put up with this BS in your own home.

How old is DSS? You say teen but that could be 13 or 16 and theres a difference in expectation, however him saying he thinks you've poisoned his food is really out of order.
What made him say that? From this point, you dont cook anything he eats and tell your DH you dont want to be left anywhere near him without DH present because hes obviously got form for fibbing about you.

I suggest family counselling for DH and DSS. They can address DSS's issues about you.

Poisoning? Seriously?

What does your DH have to say?

Tell DH he is responsible for all food prep when DSS is there.

My kids don't like their Dad's gf bug poisoning his food is bonkers. Your h needs to cook all food in future.

Is there something cooked in your household that his mum doesn't use? Some ingredient he might be intolerant/allergic to but doesn't know about it?

So he might be genuinely feeling ill, and has mentioned it to his mum, and she is suggesting a different explanation for it to him.

DH is saying just ignore, it's her being batshit and probably not DSS saying this. I don't use anything unusual (that I'm aware of) so doubt it's an allergy.
If I don't cook, it will be something else for them to have a go at me about, then it will be 27 is lazy she doesn't help around the house........and in this instance I had to cook, they were out at football so I was making dinner for them coming back at 8pm
He is 13.
I feel like I can't win.

Has your DSS always been like this with you? If you got together with his dad when he was 1, you’ve presumably been in his life for as long as he can remember?

It’s a serious allegation if he doesn’t believe it it shows a very unhealthy, antagonistic attitude to you and if he does believe it’s an unhealthy paranoia. Your DH sounds dismissive about it and not that concerned about his DS’s well being.

He's 13 and you've been together 12 years. So he left his wife and baby behind, and then very shortly after got together with a woman he knew beforehand from a shared interest.

Well, I see why the OW accusation has stuck in her craw, at any rate.

Is there a reason he won't prepare food instead of you?

You are right that you cannot win. All you can do is stop playing the game with a 13 year old child.
You know what is right for you to do. Go ahead and do it. If he doesn't like it he will go home.

Hop, the way I see it is you're going to get stick whatever you do, and I (not anyone else) can tell you what you have to do, but in your situation I would far rather the label of lazy for a while (which is no ones business) than the insinuation that you're poisoning DSS (which gives his mother ability to create a shit storm)
Your best bet is to say, DH I will not be cooking anything DSS eats because of the accusation, so if he goes home with a sore tummy, or complaints you can say. Oh that's nice...I haven't touched anything DSS has eaten for x amount of months. If she wants to try and accuse you of being lazy, well what's it of her business?

Its also possible he is returning home to all sorts of mental questioning from his mum and feels anxious if hes returning home with a sore tummy

Hes known you most of his life and things are still like this! I cant help but feel quite sorry for him. Whoever's caused this situation to be what it is, it cant be nice for him having spent his childhood in this situation.

Is family counselling an option for you DH and DSS?

Any reason why you don't have children?
I think they are being petty and I would just ignore it. You do what you do and don't play to them.

DH is saying just ignore, it's her being batshit and probably not DSS saying this

Please don't ignore this OP.
Your DH is not parenting his son or disciplining him - he's being a disney dad.
Your DH is also not looking out for YOUR welfare....if this child made an allegation that you abused him in some way in front of his teachers it would be flagged up as safeguarding, the police informed and you most likely put under investigation to prove your innocence.

I'd start taking this lack of support from your husband and the dynamic he's created very seriously - it's you who's in the firing line.

Any reason why you don't have children?

How is that in any way relevant?

@AnotherBoredOne
Any reason why you don't have children?

Why is that relevant?

@MillyDilly JINX!

Your partners ex is understandably very bitter that she was abandoned very shortly after having a baby. She has shared that with her ds who is still a child.

Please try to see it from your dss 's point of view. His loyalty is to his mum.

We'd love children, but we haven't got there yet 🌈 but not giving up (seeing another specialist on Tuesday.
Unfortunately this isn't the first time DSS has made accusations against me. 2 years ago I was using chores as punishment and bullying him. So I now don't ask him to do anything around the house and generally try to keep out of his way and I 100% don't spend time alone with him.
I was a accused of taking him to hospital for attention, because I can't have children of my own.
So I generally go to bed early, let them watch movies, get them to go to the park, while I make lunch, go off to get my nails done while they head to the arcade. I'm polite and friendly, but I try not to overstep the boundaries.
He does see a therapist and his mum takes great delight in telling DH all about what he's told the therapist. Which is mostly that I give him anxiety because he never knows what 'mood I'll be in'
It's utterly heartbreaking because I can't do anything right.
Keep out of his way = ignoring him.
Buy him a gift = buying his affection.
Be friendly = false.

Wow this sounds absolutely awful. You poor thing!

Does he come out with any shocking claims about your partner or is it all allegations against you?

If there were any about your partner then there would be a clear case that his ex is attempting to manipulate her son to ensure parental alienation.

If not then it probably doesn't apply for step parents but surely it could be considered as some kind of indirect parent alienation, not attacking the father, but attacking you which in turn is causing emotional harm!

I would try to find a good family law solicitor.

Is there a chance this is fueled by paranoia from mental illness rather than being simply a false allegation?

You need to start to take this very seriously and protect yourself. Could DH see DSS away from your home? What is his plan for discussing this with DSS and discipline for false allegations? He needs to get on top of this before DSS ramps it up and tell this crap to a therapist or teacher that gets ss involved as that could affect you if you become pregnant in the future with such allegations on record. He is sticking his head in the sand because it's either to throw you under the bus than deal with the fallout from DSS and his ex but this is really serious. If you think DSS will make further allegations I would contact SS myself for advice and get ahead of the situation. It's easy for DH to blame this all on his ex and throw his hands up but neither of you can control her behaviour, he is the one that needs to take action.

The whole dynamic seems really unhealthy.

The counselling with DH and DSS sounds like a good idea. If your DH cares in any way about you and your mental health he would organise this as a matter of urgency. He cannot continue to say just ignore it.

His ex sounds like she could do with some counselling too but it doesn’t sound like she is in that place yet. Which is a shame because her actions will be impacting your DSS.

The ex should not know what DSS discusses with his therapist unless DSS chooses to tell her. And she should not be telling your DH without DSSs consent. He should be raising this every time she tries to tell him anything.

You gave my sympathy it sounds really hard