Apparently I'm poisoning DSS's food

[Hop27]

Married 5, together 12. No children of our own yet. DSS teen. Ex very angry (still) Relationship with DSS very hit and miss. When he is with us he is very happy, adjusted, warm - but often refuses to come.
His mum hates me and DH, she blames me for the breakdown of their relationship and told DSS from a young age that he left them to be with me. We knew each other through a shared interest. But didn't start seeing each other until after they split. No divorce, hadn't been together long. However she's sees me as 'the ow' who stole her DH, that DH upgraded her for a younger trophy wife.
Sorry, I think that bit of background is important for context. When DSS is here, I generally keep myself to myself, give them space, don't try to parent DSS. But whatever I do it's wrong. DSS cut a recent stay with us short because he thinks I'm putting something in his food to make him sick and because I ignored him when he arrived (I was working) I am so sick and tired of being made to feel like an utterly awful human who is capable of cruel treatment to a child. Just because they didn't work out. I'm just at breaking point with it all .....

[Dinopawstomp]

sparticus

I see your point, I was meaning he as in if the OP and her DH were operating as a team, which if they are planning on having a baby is what they should be doing.

If this isn't happening then you are right, then she must take control of the situation to protect herself. I feel really sorry for any new child brought into this mess

[TheMotherofAllDilemmas]

What you are saying is very worrying, if the mum is filling her son’s head with that crap, your DH should be worried about the effect that woman’s resentment is having over the mental health of his son.

But again, you cannot sort the ex, maybe neither your DH can, but he needs to take steps to protect his child and his wife from his deranged ex’s obsessions.

[Nanny0gg]

Is this court ordered visits or decided by the parents?

I would have thought legal advice was needed now.

[BobFleming]

The ex sounds poisonous, not the food.

My friend had a similar experience to her. Her ex left her and their 18-month-old for an OW.

My friend went to hell and back and has every reason to hate her ex and his now wife, but she has never, ever done anything to affect her daughter's relationship with her dad and the step-mum.

How fucked up is this poor 13-year-old boy going to be? None of this is his fault, yet he has his mum feeding him lies and his step-mum seemingly avoiding him/not caring about him. His dad too, sounds spineless.

You and your husband need to take action to fix this before it's too late. Have you considered counselling/therapy for the 3 of you?

[walker1891]

I think your DH needs to speak to the school. If mum is feeding him these ideas and bitterness or pressuring him to respond in a negative way then this is emotional abuse and the school need to be aware and step it up with their safeguarding policy.

[TheMotherofAllDilemmas]

... and no, you shouldn’t put your wish to become a mother behind you not to exacerbate the situation because honestly, if it not the excuse of a new baby, it would be any other thing.

[TinkerPony]

Your husband has been ignoring his son's issues/mom's issues and false allegations against you.
You don't have DSS or his Ex problem.
You have a husband's problem.
He had allow all this craziness to keep happening for Twelve YEARS!!
Absolutely not fair on you.
I can't imagine the mental touture this must be having on you.
Why had he not report to SS his concerns about her parenting, at least she made an effort to take her son to therapy probably more for her benefit than his so why not DH do same counterbalance. He does not pry what on being discussed privately so son can see the differences between parents. Or bring son to doctor to eliminate teen's MH issues as a result of his mother's parenting style including his father's 'ostrich' parenting style.
The problems will not go away if he and you just ignore this as he had instructed you.
Or pulled his son up on his lies.
No tolerance for this behaviour.
The food poisoning was after the fact bizzare not immediately when he finish eating and start feeling unwell under both your care.
Or Dad give him chores to do around the house, eat the food dad prepare and cook, wash his clothes etc when he stay over so that you can't be blame for the next false problem.
Please don't let your husband brush this under the carpet.
In the meantime he may need to meet his son outside the home, father and son therapy and private one to one individually, visit relatives, overnights in hotels if need be. Exclusive father and son time until issues are resolved especially the recent food poisoning and slowly reintroduce you.
You are not safe in your own home.
The last straw is to inform your husband that you will have to report your husband, his ex and DSS to SS yourself to protect YOU, your career, your family and your future children with or without him. Even children of your siblings.
This allegations as mentioned by others really could have very far reaching impact and implications on your life.
Protect yourself because your husband have not done this for either of you and his son. Never mind himself.

[SoloMummy]

@Hop27

Honestly this dynamo is the only thing we argue about. We 100% want a family so I won't be dictated by her manic & unstable behaviour. It's sad really because I could really add value to DSS's life but she just won't have it, because I'll always be 'in her eyes' the one that stole him away.

Regardless of how you try and present it, the dss was barely born and in you muscle. You may insist you weren't the ow, but it certainly doesn't come across that way.
You should have been building a relationship. You sound as though you have fed into this whole sad situation.
Tbh, the kindest thing would be for you to step away as you don't wish to actually be a step parent. Plenty of stepparents have to navigate choppy waters with exes, your situation is not unique. How you've not managed it is....

[TheMotherofAllDilemmas]

... having said that, I would be reluctant to have a baby with a man who I know has not my back.

[Valkadin]

You have no idea if this woman was abused as a child herself, it could be true which could explain her behaviour. The break up of her relationship whilst having recently had a baby could have been the catalyst to trigger a serious MH issue.

The relationship between his parents will be the major cause of this boys issues. The mother being grey rocked probably exacerbates her increasingly unstable behaviour. Your partner sounds passive in all this and actually just does nice things to distract whilst not actually discussing anything with his son. Being taken out and bought stuff means nothing when you are not listened to.

Do not have child at the moment.

[TheMotherofAllDilemmas]

@solomummy After 12 years, and being the wife for 5, she is not the OW, especially if her husband and heronly became an item after the split of a short relationship.

There was no broken home, just a short relationship that brought this kid into the world. Tiny babies have no memories, any “traumas” the boy may currently have about the situation have been inflicted by his mum’s resentments AND his father’s lack of action.

[Candyfloss99]

Honestly why do you care if the ex says you don't cook and are lazy? How do you even find out what she's saying about you? You need to completely ignore what she's saying. What she thinks of you has no bearing on your life.

[wafflyversatile]

I think your dh should at least speak to a solicitor.

Children whose parents pull this sort of bullshit should not be in the care of that parent. Poisoning your child against their other parent or step parent is abuse.

I mean nothing will be done but...

[LightDrizzle]

It’s a horrible mess, but I can’t agree with posters who say Hop should deny herself and her DH the chance to have a child together. It won’t help, but nor have their efforts over the past 12 years. This boy will be 18 in 5 years time and may choose to have no relationship with his dad, or may start to question his mum’s narrative and come round.
Could you pay for a private family counselling session for the three of you and would the ex and the boy agree that he attend? You could cite his anxiety as a reason.
I’m trying to think of a way you could all talk about your relationships, fears and feelings, without it escalating to a row or him evading by running off.
You could express your sadness that you seem to have failed to build a nice relationship with him, and say that is not what you wanted, what can you do to improve things?
The answer is probably nothing, because it’s too ingrained and you aren’t the main problem, but maybe it would help him see you as a three dimensional person who is also struggling. The main thing is to give him arena where he can talk about how he feels, and how he sees things, with a skilled professional there to contain things.

When he was a baby, did you have a better relationship? I’m think things like making him laugh, playing with him? Before he had the language to be poisoned against you by his mother.

[Serin]

Your husband does not seem very trustworthy.
Are you sure he has not had a vasectomy or something?
Seriously, in your situation and with all that's gone on I'd cut my losses and move on.

[MyCatHatesEverybody]

You can;t do right for doing wrong OP, so just live your life according to what's best for you. If you weren't around your DH would have had to cook when he got in (or thought ahead and prepped something nice beforehand). Who gives a shit if the ex says you're lazy - she hates you anyway. Your DH will find it harder to ignore the issues if it actually impacts him because you've had to step back a bit.

I strongly recommend you read the book "Say goodbye to crazy" (not saying ex is crazy btw but it helps you detach from behaviour that you can't directly influence).

[Lostmyshityear9]

How do you even find out what she's saying about you?

Quite.

OP - this is a really tricky situation that is clearly out of hand. You are all involved, however, and have got it to where it is as a collective group of people who have been functioning poorly around each other with poor boundaries and not enough will to make things work. From your description, I would say the boy is screaming out for some kind of positivity in his life, boundaries, a dad who is prepared to put him first. The issue with mum is you will never really know what has been said and whether you want to believe it or not, there is every possibility mum is doing/saying very little in the background. Step children - all children - are capable of making shit up, capable of reading between the lines and seeing what people want to see/hear, capable of dislike and hatred and anger which guides their behaviour in both homes. His dad needs to listen to him - probably with some professional help. You need to protect yourself for all the reasons that have been mentioned above.

And whilst 12 years and a marriage later, you are not the OW, the start of your relationship is far from clear cut and short relationship or not, in the eyes of a child, you are the one thing standing in the way of having a 'normal' family life.

[3rdNamechange]

*Any reason why you don't have children?
*
Maybe , but it's none of your business is it ?

[Tistheseason17]

I wish people would RTFT
OP's DH was not married to the ex. DSS was unplanned accident. Her DH and Ex were not in a long standing loving relationship that she tore apart.
Bandaid babies rarely resolve issues.
OP has put up with shit for 12 yrs and updates show her DH is also dealing with similar issues.
OP - why not try family counselling with you, DH and DSS? Ex could rock the boat,but if she truly has your DSS's best interests at heart she'll nit stand in the way. And if she does block it she is using DSS, and it is time to point this out to DSS!

[DishingOutDone]

I wish people would RTFT
OP's DH was not married to the ex. DSS was unplanned accident. Her DH and Ex were not in a long standing loving relationship that she tore apart. - you know @Tistheseason17 I think people have RTFT and some still prefer to think that had OP not been around, this would have been a loving family relationship for the last 13 years! Surely people can have the right to split up?

I wonder if you would have been better posting on the Step Parents board OP as it sounds like this will need some sorting out, by your DH, after 12 entrenched years. Was the boy ever happy in your company, even when he was little? And as I think you know, if you do get pregnant, she will unleash a shit storm. I think family counselling and/or legal advice.

[coldwarenigma]

Parental alienation is a problem unfortunately and not taken seriously enough. If the boy is cared for, clean, being educated, in a safe home, has a 'good ' relationship with his mum the courts wont want to know that he is being poisoned by her against dad/dsm. To say 'go to court' is futile. I imagine dad doesn't want to rock the boat and lose contact with his son hence not getting to grips with it.

[PenelopePitstop49]

I couldn't be in a relationship with such a spineless weak man that he's allowing this to go on 12 years later........... yes the woman is clearly batshit, but he's the one enabling her to be.

You need to be so so careful here, OP. Your DSS is clearly telling her what is going on - and you're the mug being used as the target. I'd honestly be running for the hills here.

An allegation of poisoning is such a step over the line, there would be no coming back from that for me.

[LadyOfTheImprovisedBath]

I think unfortunately you need legal advice now and to talk to them about parental alienation and about the allegations the boy is now making against you.

Paying for legal advice is probably the last thing you want to do especially if your paying for fertility treatment but I think you'll have to.

On other thing would be to insist to DH he see his DS outside the home and I don't think that would improve their relationship long term nor would it address the damage being done to the child here.

[Dominicgoings]

I agree that your DH taking him out is not the right approach.

I would however insist that tour DH grows a set of balls and starts standing up to this woman.

I would seek legal advice about the allegations. For DHs Ex, one solicitors letter caused a sudden change in attitude. She’s still a nightmare but at least she’s stopped accusing me of abusing the kids.

Continue contact. On the condition that DH HAS to be there every second. He does all the cooking and the food prep. Don’t hide away. Stay consistent.

But you seriously do need to think about putting ttc on hold for now. Dss sounds so troubled. Your focus should be on sorting this mess out for a few months.

[Jaxhog]

I feel for you Op. There are still some people on here who have a bias against SMs. I think all you can do is to carry on family life as normally as you can when SS is there while giving your DH and SS space to enjoy their time together. Be the stable place he probably needs right now.