Apparently I'm poisoning DSS's food

[Hop27]

Married 5, together 12. No children of our own yet. DSS teen. Ex very angry (still) Relationship with DSS very hit and miss. When he is with us he is very happy, adjusted, warm - but often refuses to come.
His mum hates me and DH, she blames me for the breakdown of their relationship and told DSS from a young age that he left them to be with me. We knew each other through a shared interest. But didn't start seeing each other until after they split. No divorce, hadn't been together long. However she's sees me as 'the ow' who stole her DH, that DH upgraded her for a younger trophy wife.
Sorry, I think that bit of background is important for context. When DSS is here, I generally keep myself to myself, give them space, don't try to parent DSS. But whatever I do it's wrong. DSS cut a recent stay with us short because he thinks I'm putting something in his food to make him sick and because I ignored him when he arrived (I was working) I am so sick and tired of being made to feel like an utterly awful human who is capable of cruel treatment to a child. Just because they didn't work out. I'm just at breaking point with it all .....

[WhiteCat1704]

Be aware that if you get pregnant the ex is going to ramp up the crazy! And SS is likely pose a safety risk with your newborn.
There won't be a lovely brothers bond...it wil be very very hard for you.

I would insist DH makes other arrangements from now on and spends time with his son outside of your house...Could he spend a night at grandparents?

The boy making serious allegations against you(while liooks like a learned behaviour from his mother) is not something you can fix. You need to protect yourself.
He makes allegations when you have a baby and you will have social services involved! It is not a joke.

[Hop27]

I'm not 100% sure it is DSS ..... I think it's his mum making trouble

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

He does see a therapist and his mum takes great delight in telling DH all about what he's told the therapist

How does she even know what he talks about?

Is she interrogating him when he comes out of the therapist's office? This is very likely and will put extra pressure on him to criticise OP - he wouldn't be able to say "Oh you know mum, I told Dr X that 27 was brilliant - makes all my favourite food and lets me watch loads of stuff I like on the telly" She'd make his life Hell.

You shouldn't have to tiptoe around your own home to suit a child.

Tell your DH to do the cooking when he is visiting. Or get takeaways. Tell your DS you are sorry he feels that way about you, but this is your home and he is welcome, but has to follow the rules of the house.

[JoJoHasIt]

You can’t not have the child in his own father’s house! It’s not his fault for a start. He’s being manipulated and has been manipulated for twelve years.

The last thing you want to teach a child is that is you say anything about an adult to a trusted adult like your own father then you will be banished from his home.

It’s likely that the boy sees that him mother is not providing him with stability and that his father is. But that won’t be what he is hearing from his mother.

I would say that you very definitely are the Other Woman. Your husband did leave his wife and his baby for you. Whether you got together before he left or not. There is no need to try to avoid it on a technicality. You’ve got bigger problems for a start!

[ineedaholidaynow]

How do you think bringing a baby into this mix will help?

[Hop27]

@ineedaholidaynow
I'm not bringing a child into the mix to help things but because I want to be a mum and time is not on my side unfortunately.

[Hop27]

@ineedaholidaynow
I'm not bringing a child into the mix to help things but because I want to be a mum and time is not on my side unfortunately.

[monkeyonthetable]

I just never ever understand posts like this. The first stage towards a solution is so staggeringly obvious: talk to him.

Tell him you are sorry he thought you ignored him and that this difference in interpretation needs to be cleared up immediately. You were working and thought you were giving him space with his dad. He saw this as rejection. Tell him you never intend to reject him and that when you back off it's out of respect for him to enjoy time alone with his dad. Ask what, in his opinion, would be a good balance of time with you and his dad when he is living with his dad.

Then very gently tackle the issue about poisoning. Tell him this seriously worries you because it is so far removed from the truth that it sounds crazy. Ask if he truly thinks it or if he was just overreacting on a very bad day.

If he truly thinks it, I would be genuinely concerned about schizophrenia or another serious paranoid mental disturbance. Schizophrenic conditions can appear very suddenly in teenage years, and I wouldn't take this sort of comment lightly unless he is able to reassure you that he was just feeling bitter and vindictive, which is horrible but something you can work through.

[Headandheart]

You’ve known him since he was a tiny baby. Has this been going on for twelve years?

Who actually said you were poisoning him? Did he say it and leave? Or did she relay it to your ex?

It sounds a difficult situation but I do agree only your husband can sort it and he needs to be firmer about contact with his ex.

I have a difficult ex and dc the same age. We only email as the texting always got out of hand. Now my youngest is 13 ex contacts them directly instead of going through me and it helps.

[PermanentCobOn]

So, your DH was married and had a 1-year old child and abandoned them and then shortly after hooked up with you, someone younger and better looking, who he shared a hobby with. Okkkkkkkkkkkkk . Now his DS is unhappy and unsettled and it has come back to bite your DH on the ass. Did your DH think that his "crazy" ex was just going to go away quietly? Oh, how inconvenient for him.

Your DH is callous and selfish. He is not a man worth having. Please can you ask him not to have any more children as we have enough abandoned children with MH issues as a result and little NHS resources.

[D4rwin]

Don't spend time elsewhere. Insist that DH makes the food, maybe keep yourself occupied allow them together time but the son needs to understand that it's your house too, unfortunately in life we all have to be around people who we don't like. It won't help that you think of the the ex as being batshit but it's too late for a teen he'll have picked up that you don't like his mother so he's bound to take against you for her sake. The DH needs to have an honest conversation with his son about what's going on, taking him seriously he's probably under a lot of pressure at home to stay away.

[Hop27]

Message was from ex to DH.
He didn't come back to ours as planned because he felt unwell and in all honesty he thinks hop is putting things in his food to make him feel unwell.
We've tried talking to him, but then he feels bullied and won't come to us for weeks after because it gives him anxiety.

[Hop27]

@PermanentCobOn
Never married. Short term relationship who tried to make it work after an accidental pregnancy. But thanks for your useful advice

[yellowfishestoyou]

Could you maybe write down what your feeling and then next time he is due to come over have your partner read it out to him? Then maybe it will get him talking about the issues to your partner?

[FeedMeSantiago]

DH needs to take him to the GP, it may just be because of his mother's influence, but it could well be a serious mental health issue. The latter needs to be seriously considered.

You need to sit DH down and have a very serious chat. A false accusation which makes its way to a teacher and then to Social Services could have serious implications for you, and your job.

Worse, it could have implications for you having a baby of your own. If you get pregnant, things could well escalate and the accusations could become more serious, or the ex may go to SS herself. DH needs to consider your wellbeing here as well, and the wellbeing of any children you have together too.

I would want this thrashing out before you have a child which will make dealing with this even more stressful.

[Dinopawstomp]

I know you're desperate for a baby OP but if I were his dad I wouldn't be having another child right now. My priority would be getting on an even keel with my exisitng child not throwing a match into a fireworks factory. I know that's not what you want to hear but think about what parent would actually do that. When a child is in such obvious mental distress as your DSS is, this is a nail in the coffin of their relationship.

I know your biological clock is ticking really loudly right now but you might be better off going it alone than bringing a child into this toxic situation.

If the mother is so unstable then why didnt he fight for residency, why is he throwing you under the bus in this situation. Why isn't he taking his son to counselling. There is so much more that he could be doing.

You are the scapegoat to his inadequate parenting. He will do that with your child too as it is his pattern of behaviour. He may very well ditch the baby in favour of his son. There are many stories on this board of this happening.

[Zhampagne]

Ignoring and grey rock is all very well but if the mother is as deranged as you suggest then what has DH actively done to protect his son's mental health? Has he ever considered pursuing full custody of the child?

He needs to take this seriously; a malicious allegation against you will nevertheless be taken seriously by the authorities and it could ruin your life. It would be a very very bad idea to bring a baby into this, I'm afraid.

[zingally]

He's "happy, adjusted and warm", yet accused you of trying to poison him? Doesn't sound very happy or well adjusted to me...

But in all honesty, teenagers come out with some shit when they're cross. Doesn't excuse it, but it happens. All you can do is keep a reasonable distance, while being as supportive and friendly as you can. Your DH needs to sort this one, including speaking to DSS about the dangers of false accusations.
Neither you nor DH can control what happens when DSS is with the ex, but what happens in YOUR home is YOUR responsibility. You and DH need to let go what ex does, and concentrate on how YOU TWO are going to parent/discipline/communicate with a teenager who is having a difficult time.

[YetAnotherSpartacus]

I know you're desperate for a baby OP but if I were his dad I wouldn't be having another child right now. My priority would be getting on an even keel with my exisitng child not throwing a match into a fireworks factory. I know that's not what you want to hear but think about what parent would actually do that. When a child is in such obvious mental distress as your DSS is, this is a nail in the coffin of their relationship

My guess is that this is what the Mother wants - or to plit the relationship up.

I'd go with the lesser of evils. Tell everyone that you are no longer going to cook for DSS and you don't give a shiny shit if this is 'rejection'. You've had enough of the coercive control, he ain't your problem and you are not wasting any more time on him when you have better things to do. This isn't just about time, if a false allegation is made and if anyone is crazy enough to (say) give DSS laxetives or something then you could be doing some interesting explaining.

[Jellybeansincognito]

You’re not 27 are you op?

[Dinopawstomp]

Probably is what the mother wants but tbh that's irrelevant. I think the focus needs to be on the poor choices the dad is currently making because that is the only thing you can control.

[YetAnotherSpartacus]

I think the focus needs to be on the poor choices the dad is currently making because that is the only thing you can control

Disagree. She can't control what the Father does. She can control what she does though - as the second part of my post indicated.

[DonLewis]

I feel sorry for the boy. His homes are at war. Where does he go for respite from all that shit? Its messing him up, even if it's not him that's saying he's being poisoned, he'll know what's being said. Imagine being 13, being at your dad's, feeling unwell, going home and your mom says it's your step mom, poisoning you.

That's some messed up shit and I can't see how he gets out of this in one piece to be honest.

Your dh needs to acknowl2the damage that's being done to his son and do something about it. Even if, to begin with, it's reassurance, a constant clam presence and talking to him about everything and finding a way froward.

Poor kid.

[Jux]

Your dh needs to talk sense to his son directly. If dss says you're poisoning him your dh needs to tell him how ridiculous that accusation is and go through whatever reasons you would do such a thing for and how dss thinks you're doing it, and what poison he thinks would not be found by the Coroner and how you would get hold of it without anyone knowing etc. DH needs to show his son logically why that accusation is daft/stupid and then explain to him how dangerous those sort of accusations are. The boy is 13, he'll be able to follow the logic, and learn a bit of critical thinking to boot. win-win.

[StrictlyAFemaleFemale]

Has dss actually said he believes you are poisoning him or did it come from his Mum?