Apparently I'm poisoning DSS's food

[Hop27]

Married 5, together 12. No children of our own yet. DSS teen. Ex very angry (still) Relationship with DSS very hit and miss. When he is with us he is very happy, adjusted, warm - but often refuses to come.
His mum hates me and DH, she blames me for the breakdown of their relationship and told DSS from a young age that he left them to be with me. We knew each other through a shared interest. But didn't start seeing each other until after they split. No divorce, hadn't been together long. However she's sees me as 'the ow' who stole her DH, that DH upgraded her for a younger trophy wife.
Sorry, I think that bit of background is important for context. When DSS is here, I generally keep myself to myself, give them space, don't try to parent DSS. But whatever I do it's wrong. DSS cut a recent stay with us short because he thinks I'm putting something in his food to make him sick and because I ignored him when he arrived (I was working) I am so sick and tired of being made to feel like an utterly awful human who is capable of cruel treatment to a child. Just because they didn't work out. I'm just at breaking point with it all .....

[Newlittle]

This is 100% your husband's job to fix.

[Coyoacan]

You have my sympathy, but that poor child is being so harmed by his mother.

My ex was an asshole, but his family have always been very decent and good to my dd and all their grandchildren. He went on to marry and have another dd, but she was brought to not just hate her dad, but also all the relatives on his side of the family. Such a shame, really, because the in-laws are lovely. Even my ex has mellowed in his old age.

[AdultFishcakes]

@Newlittle

This is 100% your husband's job to fix.

This. And his silence is deafening on this.

Go carefully into trying for children of your own with him as he doesn’t seem to have your back now and adding a new baby into the mix will probably sour relations further.

[Hop27]

I completely agree it's DH issue to the sort and the abuse I face is nothing compared to what DH has to endure.
So he is grey rocking her and tries not to rise to it.

[AdultFishcakes]

@Hop27

I completely agree it's DH issue to the sort and the abuse I face is nothing compared to what DH has to endure.
So he is grey rocking her and tries not to rise to it.

It does come across that his approach is a bit ostrich like though and his inaction is letting you down.

[Hop27]

But I have lost count or track of the lies/bile general evil web of lies ....
I was abused
My father abused me
They tried to kill me
I have cancer
I'm dying
I want you (me) to raise my child, I don't trust (ex)
You need to take him on holiday I need to have life saving surgery
Don't tell hop. You need to invest in my company to the tune of 20k or your child will become homeless
I'm moving to a caravan park unless you pay bond on my new house
It's honestly endless

[Iwonder08]

I feel very sorry for you. Generally you have 2 options--wait until dss is adult and visits will become less frequent or leave. The answer depends on your relationship with your DH. If you love every minute you spend together when dss is not around I would wait, otherwise it would make sense to evaluate why you are dealing with this sh%t.
Either way I would inform DH from now on you are not going to be involved with DSS, won't prep his food, won't have pleasant conversations, buy gifts etc. Just polite hello and goodbye. Meantime I would try to see if you could spend at least some weekends he is around elsewhere.

[Dhalandchips]

She sounds like my ex's ex. She ended up having her children removed because of the emotional harm she was doing to them. A horrible situation.

[letmethinkaboutitfornow]

@Hop27

I completely agree it's DH issue to the sort and the abuse I face is nothing compared to what DH has to endure.
So he is grey rocking her and tries not to rise to it.

OP @Hop27 - you have my sympathy 💐
I would have snapped a long time ago.

But as you say, you are not his parent! Your DH needs to do that. If he doesn’t know how, then he needs to seek professional advice with or without his son.
He is a teen and probably the worst is still to come. Your DH needs to parent him. 👍

[labyrinthloafer]

Well normally I think it is hard for the stepchildren etc etc but if there are specific false allegations then that's a level that needs to be seriously dealt with.

Your DP needs to deal with this very carefully but I don't think the answer can be 'ignore criminal allegations' as that is quite serious.

I agree this needs professional advice of some type.

[GotOutOfBedOnTheWrongSide]

I don't think it sounds as though your SS has a mental health problem but it does sound as though his mum has a problem. Don't forget that your SS has endured 12 years of brainwashing and encouragement from his mum to make your life a misery. Over the next few years, he will mature himself and he may pull away from this bullshit. I'm sorry that your going through this.

[Rainycloudyday]

@Iwonder08

I feel very sorry for you. Generally you have 2 options--wait until dss is adult and visits will become less frequent or leave. The answer depends on your relationship with your DH. If you love every minute you spend together when dss is not around I would wait, otherwise it would make sense to evaluate why you are dealing with this sh%t.
Either way I would inform DH from now on you are not going to be involved with DSS, won't prep his food, won't have pleasant conversations, buy gifts etc. Just polite hello and goodbye. Meantime I would try to see if you could spend at least some weekends he is around elsewhere.

This. Be VERY cautious about trying to get pregnant in the middle of this complete mess. I understand you want a baby but fail to see how that is anything but a terrible idea in such a toxic and dysfunctional set up.

[Rosie2000]

how on earth is she able to communicate all this?? I’m divorced, have 3 children and haven’t spoken to my ex in 2 weeks. It was a fairly hostile divorce and we tend to text- he never answers the phone when I call.
Your dh needs to deal with her only by text/email. You then have a record of the abuse from her. Play her at her own game- speak to a solicitor and send her a letter saying you are going for 50:50 custody, she will be entitled to no maintenance.
Your dh needs to speak to his son and tell him to respect you or he won’t be welcome in the house.
And yes as previous poster said, be very careful. I am a teacher and would have to report this if I overheard it in class ‘my step mum is trying to poison me’- a flippant comment to a friend could be heard by staff/pupils.
Really tough situation op, you need to focus on what you can actuslly do something about. Take the ex out of the equation as you cannot control her but you can tell your dh to start parenting his child.

[SteelyPanther]

Personally I wouldn’t have him in the house if he’s making false allegations.
Get DH to take him out, then take him home again.

[DomDoesWotHeWants]

The mother sounds utterly batshit. Have you spoken to a solicitor about her accusations and lies.

Sounds like she needs a restraining order served on her. Dreadful woman dragging her son into her craziness.

[Immigrantsong]

Get his dad to cook everything. Problem solved.

[Lovebug06]

You poor thing. I go through this with dh ex although not as bad from the dcs, mainly from her, and my dh does get it worse as well. However the dc aren't teens yet so I do wonder if it will get worse like this. Your dh needs to do something, clearly grey rocking her isn't working.

[flibbertmygibbert]

I’m afraid I wouldn’t be allowing this to happen in my house. 12 YEARS you’ve been together. I can’t imagine the level of toxicity this child has endured from his mother to behave like this. If he has known you from 1 year old I would expect you to be like a mother figure to him.

He could seriously ruin your life with untrue allegations. Get you DH to take him on lovely days out and then drop him home. Make sure DH is explicitly clear the reason why he can no longer stay.

[Hop27]

Honestly this dynamo is the only thing we argue about. We 100% want a family so I won't be dictated by her manic & unstable behaviour. It's sad really because I could really add value to DSS's life but she just won't have it, because I'll always be 'in her eyes' the one that stole him away.

[Hop27]

But if we don't have him in the house it will be 'your dad and hop don't want you'
It's such an epic mess .......

[TheMotherofAllDilemmas]

Your DH is enabling that behaviour, turning a blind eye to the way his son is making you feel is what it is taking stuff this far.

The kid is trying to get a reaction/test or get boundaries and not getting it. He needs to discipline his kid and discuss how damaging his behaviour is (and the consequences of it for DS), set expected behaviour to gain some respect.

In the meantime, stop cooking for them when the kid is around, so your DH can see that his actions or lack off also have consequences.

[JoyFreeCake]

I knew a girl about that age who thought her parents were trying to poison her. She was an inpatient in a mental hospital. It's not normal.

[JoyFreeCake]

Of course it's possible she was sane and her parents really were poisoning her. MBP is a thing.

[Porridgeoat]

Ignore all the mess she’s creating and instead concentrate on building a steady positive relationship with the son. Board games, baking together, walks together whatever. Eventually the son will see through all the madness created by mum. Personally I’d have a chat to the son. Tell him that you think a lot of him and that you want to spend some quality with him. Ignore any rubbish from his mum

[Gogogadgetarms]

I wouldn’t just ignore allegations. I understand this may be how you’ve dealt with it previously but as a result of having no consequences he hasn’t stopped.
I would have a discussion with him and ask him to confirm if he believes you poisoned his food? If he says yes you deny and say as a result DH will have to do all food preparation going forward and then stick to this. Yes it’s inconvenient but for the sake of finishing football practice early or eating late etc it’s not the end of the world.
He has to see there are consequences to his lies or he will have no motivation to stop.