Apparently I'm poisoning DSS's food

[Hop27]

Married 5, together 12. No children of our own yet. DSS teen. Ex very angry (still) Relationship with DSS very hit and miss. When he is with us he is very happy, adjusted, warm - but often refuses to come.
His mum hates me and DH, she blames me for the breakdown of their relationship and told DSS from a young age that he left them to be with me. We knew each other through a shared interest. But didn't start seeing each other until after they split. No divorce, hadn't been together long. However she's sees me as 'the ow' who stole her DH, that DH upgraded her for a younger trophy wife.
Sorry, I think that bit of background is important for context. When DSS is here, I generally keep myself to myself, give them space, don't try to parent DSS. But whatever I do it's wrong. DSS cut a recent stay with us short because he thinks I'm putting something in his food to make him sick and because I ignored him when he arrived (I was working) I am so sick and tired of being made to feel like an utterly awful human who is capable of cruel treatment to a child. Just because they didn't work out. I'm just at breaking point with it all .....

[DamsonDragon]

@Abbazed

Op when's he's round your DH can pay for Domino's. You let dss collect from the door and plate up. Those allegations are frightful!

I completely disagree with this.
You do not reward this type of behaviour.
At 13 he is old enough to recognise the impact and consequences of his behaviour. If he is making accusations that have potentially huge legal and criminal ramifications then that is delt with appropriately. If that means he isn't allowed to the house and it is clearly explained then that is the consequence he has to accept. Potentially if he has to fact up to ramifications of his actions it may make him start to think twice and consider the morality of what he is doing, but right now his actions are being encouraged by mum and enabled by dad (by lack of consequence) and is therefore being confirm that his actions are okay. He needs to be taught that his mothers actions and his through her influence are not okay, otherwise he will grow up thinking that its a acceptable way to treat people. This will then have huge implications on his ability to have relationships as a adult.

If I was open I would also speak to social services or the relevant agency as its a very abusive relationship for a child to be in, in particular the way she seems to be controlling his therapy and pressuring him into relaying its content and ghen using it as a weapon against the other parent, among other issues she has raised in this thread.

[Rainycloudyday]

I think your dh is absolutely mad, spineless and irresponsible to be trying for a baby with you while his relationship with his son is so bad and that will make it 100 times worse. He needs to sort out the problem.

This. I can almost, sort of understand your desperation to have a baby despite this shit show given you don’t have your own child. I still think it’s fundamentally quite selfish because it’s what you want with seemingly no consideration of whether it will benefit the baby or your DSS to have them brought into the world with all this going on. But for your husband to be considering actively trying to have another baby when his relationship with his existing child is in this state and a baby will probably be the last nail in the coffin....that’s really, really not a good sign of his parenting.

As an aside I’d be interested to know if the ex considers their child to be an unplanned accident. It’s interesting how many men on here who want out of their relationships re-write history for their new girlfriend, such that they were stuck with a family they never wanted. That could be way off the mark but i can’t help wondering.

[Rainycloudyday]

And if the ex has done half the things you’ve said on here, why isn’t your DH in court fighting for full time custody and working with social services to report her abuse? Has he approached them, or the NSPCC?

[feelingfragile]

The manipulation of information on here, to suit the agenda of women who feel that any second partner or step mother is a home wrecker who should sacrifice their hopes in order to placate the first family is laughable.

If you automatically assign roles in a situation according the the sex of those involved, rather than actually reading the facts as they're presented, perhaps it's time to seek help with moving on from whatever shitty situation left you feeling like that.

[Casschops]

@AnotherBoredOne do you have ANY idea how horrible it can being asked why you have not children? How is it relevant to this?

[TheMotherofAllDilemmas]

Op when's he's round your DH can pay for Domino's. You let dss collect from the door and plate up. Those allegations are frightful!

I’m having second thoughts about the above and my suggestion to stop cooking.

Behaving like the kid may be right about the poisoning it is a sure way to reinforce his idea that he may actually be poisoned.

Better to keep contact out of the house as long as dad has the balls to explain why as in Damson’s suggestion (although given the 12 years of letting Hop carry the blame, I would say he would be more likely to tell him he cannot go to the house because Hop doesn’t want to rather than because there is a need to protect Hop from these serious accusations).

[Rainycloudyday]

@feelingfragile

The manipulation of information on here, to suit the agenda of women who feel that any second partner or step mother is a home wrecker who should sacrifice their hopes in order to placate the first family is laughable.

If you automatically assign roles in a situation according the the sex of those involved, rather than actually reading the facts as they're presented, perhaps it's time to seek help with moving on from whatever shitty situation left you feeling like that.

If this is aimed at me, i am not for one second suggesting OP sacrifices having a baby for the good of the ex. I’m suggesting that her DH doesn’t seem like a great dad to the child he has already; that it’s unfair on the poor baby to be brought into this shit show of a situation; and that by linking herself inextricably to her partner for the next 18 years she’s probably signing up for a life of misery.

None of us on here know the real rights and wrongs of the characters involved as we only have one side of the story. The Op is getting a bit of a hard time because this situation does bear a lot of the hallmarks of a cliche that sadly many of the posters on here will have been on the receiving end of (not me thankfully so I’m not some bitter ex with a vendetta against new partners). But assuming her version of events is an accurate representation, I still can’t for one second see why she would be considering bringing a baby into this.. I understand wanting a baby, of course I do. However, if you’re not ready to consider the best interests of a baby at every turn and put that before your own wishes then you’re not really ready to be a mum. Can anyone honestly say that having a baby at this point seems like something that will benefit either of the children involved in the scenario?

[ToffeePennie]

Seems like a dad issue.
@DamsonDragon has the perfect solution.
But also; you’re massively over compensating. You keep reiterating that you are not the OW. You sound almost fanatical about it. Can you imagine what that sounds like to your step son?
His mum has probably told him the story all about how she and dad were quite happy, having a him and he was a wonderful miracle (let’s face it we all see things through rose tinted specs) and then you swooped in, younger, prettier, snatched dad away and destroyed his one chance at a happy life. That’s the story he Will have been told all his life. For you to keep insisting you are not the OW, that you didn’t swoop in and snatch his dad away from them, whilst that might be true, you would need to undo 13 years of programming!!

[thegcatsmother]

Rainy You could argue that having children is an inherently selfish act on all our parts anyway. I also think that there isn't a perfect mother out there who puts her child first always. There has to be a balance between the interests of the family, the child and the individual.

[Rainycloudyday]

@thegcatsmother true. However in this case I think the OP would be infinitely better considering a sperm donor and single motherhood. How can a blended family situation possibly work when there’s a pre teen step child accusing the step mother of abuse?! She needs to protect herself and stay completely away from this child and his father needs to step up and prioritise sorting him and their relationship out. It’s a mess for all involved, as so many step family situations seem to be sadly.

[JudyGemstone]

Why does it matter if she's 27??

I think there needs to be some professional safeguarding involved here. Can you call NSPCC or local children's services and ask to speak to someone?

[Zhampagne]

Why does it matter if she's 27??

It doesn’t because I doubt she is (and it’s none of our business) - but if she were she would have been fifteen when they got together, which brings with it its own set of questions.

[UncleShady]

You have written so many threads about this situation.

It's time for legal advise. And counselling - your husband is failing both you and his child, yet you are focussed on the ex.

[Tappering]

More likely that she was 27 when they got together and is now 39 - which would account for her concerns about fertility and time not being on her side.

[ChaosRising]

Whether the OP was the ow and whether the OP should have a baby with her DH are separate issues. The issue here is the long-term abuse and harassment that she is being subjected to by DSS's mum and, occasionally, DSS himself. Does being the ow mean that you 'deserve' to be an emotional punch bag and a target for abuse for the rest of your life ? Of course not... Even if people think someone has behaved badly, they are still entitled to be treated with a minimum level of respect, especially by a child whom they welcome into their home and help care for.

OP, I agree with all the posters above who say your DH needs to sort this out. Reduce contact to emails/texts concerning DSS and report harassment from DSS's mum to the police if necessary (keep a record).

[PermanentCobOn]

I think this is no different to many other Step family situations. DSS or DSD's saying things about the step mum. It is not unique to the OP's situation.

I gave OP a hard time up thread, and someone just above mentioned about SM's getting a hard time. I have been a step child, had a step mum and had step siblings. I know that for some children, they are happy with this set up. For me, this is the one thing that has had the most negative impact on my life. My DH says that the relationships I have with them has "had a serious negative impact on my life". As a result, I would never bring a step dad into my DC's life and I have asked my DH not to do the same if we split/ I die until they have left home.

Apologies for the monologue but the point I wanted to get across is that really, whatever the circumstances, the OP shouldn't take it personally because Step Kids not wanting a Step Mum or Dad, is as old as time. It is always going to be a fractious relationship. What tools do DSC have to make themselves heard in a situation they don't want. They use manipulation, false accusations etc. The OP is of course upset, but it isn't actually personal to her.

[feelingfragile]

Step Kids not wanting a Step Mum or Dad, is as old as time. It is always going to be a fractious relationship. What tools do DSC have to make themselves heard in a situation they don't want. They use manipulation, false accusations etc.

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding what you typed as it sounds like you're saying that blended families will always make for a fractious relationship and that step children will use these tools to be heard.

Whilst that may have been the situation in your circumstances, that certainly isn't a universal truth. It's these myths which perpetuate this ridiculous fairytale of wicked stepmother and that blended families are a bad thing. Some kids and some families work really well and I can't see sweeping statements going unchallenged because it's so damaging.

If I have misunderstood, then I'm sorry.

[ChaosRising]

Step Kids not wanting a Step Mum or Dad, is as old as time. It is always going to be a fractious relationship. What tools do DSC have to make themselves heard in a situation they don't want. They use manipulation, false accusations etc. The OP is of course upset, but it isn't actually personal to her.

I understand what you are saying and of course it's tough for the children. They should not be forced to accept the step-mum or dad as new 'parents' - they already have parents! But they need to treat their step-parents with the minimum respect and consideration due to any human being, even if they don't want to be best mates. If they are not doing so, both parents need to step up and let the kids know it's not ok to treat people like this, even if you don't like them. Step-parents are not obliged to accept harassment and disrespect in their own homes.

[PermanentCobOn]

feeling fragile, if you read my post again, you will see that I also said "I know that for some children, they are happy with this set up"

However, I still maintain that whilst SOME children are happy with the situation, I think this is not the majority of them and there are some very, very miserable children as a result. One thing that stays with me to this day is the feeling of helplessness. That I was dependent on these people for food, shelter and necessities and my only option was living on the street. As soon as I was 18 I left. It makes me sick to the stomach to think that other, little children cry themselves to sleep at night over this.

What gets me too is I know lots of blended families. In every one of them the children look dead miserable whilst the parent tells me how great it all is and how happy they all are and then in the next breath tell me they are in family therapy and their 10-year old has anxiety. Whenever one step dad I know calls one 10 years name, they jump with fright.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I don't think you should allow what this woman is saying to alter your behaviour.
I think you should carry on as normal.
It may be that he just doesn't like whatever food it was that you fed him, and he's now trying to get out of eating it by making this nonsense up - or it may be that his mother is making it up completely.

When kids know that their parent loathes the other parent, they tend to say things that they know will please the parent they are with - and if that involves bagging out the other one, then they will. Doesn't make it true.

However, there is a risk with this latest allegation so I would suggest that you consider getting the teenage DSS to help with the cooking - if not you doing it, then your DH doing it with him. Or all of you! He can see it from start to finish and will know categorically that there is nothing in there that would poison anyone.

I agree that just getting takeaway would be pandering to him, and although it would be useful in the circumstance you mentioned, it shouldn't be the default position.

I'm so sorry that you're in this position, but I'm sorry for your DSS too because he's torn between his mother and you both. I hope you and your DH can find a way forward.

[Mittens030869]

Blended families really can work. My DSis has a DSS, who for particular reasons she was the main carer for during his teen years. She really loves him, as much as she loves her own 3 DC, but he calls her by her first name and she's always been very careful not to step on the toes of his parents.

He did try to play the adults against each other at times, but his mum got wise to that and didn't fall for it.

So blended families are not doomed to fail, but all the adults involved have to be prepared to work together rather than against each other.

[Mittens030869]

I just wanted to finish by saying that my DSis's DSS is now a well adjusted young man, 23 and married with 2 small DC. He's now in the army.

I do find it sad that it's a different experience for so many blended families.

[feelingfragile]

@PermanentCobOn

I wonder if your experience is clouding your perspective?

People are diverse, families are diverse. Some birth families are awful people, some step parents are awful people.

[PermanentCobOn]

feeling, yes of course my own terrible experience has cemented my very hard stance on bringing a step-person into my family mix. My father did everything wrong. I never accused anyone of anything though. I just absorbed it like a sponge.

Luckily my DC are now nearly grown up and DH and I are still together. Who knows what will happen in the future but my DC have the self esteem and foundation to be able to handle themselves and I have brought them up not to take any crap off anyone, no matter who that person it.

OP, sorry for derailing the thread.

[feelingfragile]

Sounds like you've done a great job with your kids and I'm sorry that you had such a difficult upbringing