Apparently I'm poisoning DSS's food

[Hop27]

Married 5, together 12. No children of our own yet. DSS teen. Ex very angry (still) Relationship with DSS very hit and miss. When he is with us he is very happy, adjusted, warm - but often refuses to come.
His mum hates me and DH, she blames me for the breakdown of their relationship and told DSS from a young age that he left them to be with me. We knew each other through a shared interest. But didn't start seeing each other until after they split. No divorce, hadn't been together long. However she's sees me as 'the ow' who stole her DH, that DH upgraded her for a younger trophy wife.
Sorry, I think that bit of background is important for context. When DSS is here, I generally keep myself to myself, give them space, don't try to parent DSS. But whatever I do it's wrong. DSS cut a recent stay with us short because he thinks I'm putting something in his food to make him sick and because I ignored him when he arrived (I was working) I am so sick and tired of being made to feel like an utterly awful human who is capable of cruel treatment to a child. Just because they didn't work out. I'm just at breaking point with it all .....

[ChaosRising]

he thinks I'm putting something in his food to make him sick

Refuse to cook for him again. Point him in the direction of a (sealed) packet of instant noodles if he's hungry. Ffs, he's not 5 years old, you don't have to put up with this.

[8elate8]

Sounds so much like my situation. I've got two DSS, they're usually so nice when they're with us. Laughing, playing, we do things together and I think we'll have a nice time and then they'll go home to they're mum and tell her something I've said or done and make it something bad..
It's so heartbreaking and you constantly feel like you have to walk on eggshells and dont feel relaxed in your own home. I dont know how I cope sometimes

[FlaskMaster]

I think your dh is absolutely mad, spineless and irresponsible to be trying for a baby with you while his relationship with his son is so bad and that will make it 100 times worse. He needs to sort out the problem. Obviously there will always be the issue of him feeling like him and his mum were dumped in favour of you. But lots of step families manage to get on reasonably well even if thats the case. You and his dad have been fucking this up for 12 years, since he was a baby. You telling him "but I wasn't the one" probably increases how resentful he is about it because he feels like you're gaslighting him. And if he sees you saying stuff that, to him, is clearly not true, then what's he supposed to think all the other times his mum comes out with stuff that you say isn't true?
You should be in family therapy. You should have started it ages ago. You've both stuck your head in the sand and got on with your own lives and treated him like a problem you have to deal with every other weekend or whenever you see him. And that's how he feels. You, especially your dh, but ideally both of you, need to fix the relationship with this kid, before you bring another child into this toxic situation and fuck up that relationship irreparably.

I understand you're broody and don't want to miss out having a child "just" because of the effect it'll have on your dss. But I don't understand why your dh has agreed to this. It's his son.

It sounds like he's just so spineless he's been doing the easy thing, ignoring problems and sticking his head in the sand forever. You might realise once you have your own baby with him and create some real tensions and conflicts of responsibility, time, money etc for your dh, just how useless he really is.

[FlaskMaster]

Sorry "the ow", not "the one", stupid autocorrect.

[wafflyversatile]

I couldn't be in a relationship with such a spineless weak man that he's allowing this to go on 12 years later........... yes the woman is clearly batshit, but he's the one enabling her to be.

So fed up of this sexist bullshit on here. female victims of batshit ex male partners are not weak and spineless and its not true the other way round. it's very difficult to combat an ex who abuses their child with manipulation and poisoning against the other parent.

[MillyDilly]

Regardless of how you try and present it, the dss was barely born and in you muscle. You may insist you weren't the ow, but it certainly doesn't come across that way.
You should have been building a relationship. You sound as though you have fed into this whole sad situation.

Oh here we go. Blame the stepmother as always. How do you know the child’s mother wasn’t the one to end the relationship?

[Hop27]

I didn't muscle in on anyone

[yellowfishestoyou]

I think after over a decade the ex has shown her true colours.

[whereorwhere]

OMG some people on here are so bitter and twisted. The couple clearly weren't happy and now OP has been with her DP for 12 years. Why shouldn't they have a child together? There are some ridiculous comments on here. OP I have nothing helpful to add unfortunately but it's a pity some women can't celebrate their child having a fantastic caring SM and instead use their own bitterness to make everyone miserable - as is apparent on here!

[SirVixofVixHall]

Have you posted about this before, a few years ago Op ? The homeless thing and the money rang a bell.
Well from this side his mother sounds really mentally unwell. Is there a reason why your DH hasn’t applied for full custody ?
I don’t like the “crazy ex” thing, where some men do things that are incredibly upsetting and then present the reaction as irrational, but in this case it all does sound very crazy indeed. 13 is still very young, I feel sorry for this child in this situation.

I think that is what needs addressing, because altering your own behaviour is never going to help in a situation like this.

Your DH needs to talk to someone about how to safeguard his son.

[netflixismysidehustle]

So fed up of this sexist bullshit on here. female victims of batshit ex male partners are not weak and spineless and its not true the other way round. it's very difficult to combat an ex who abuses their child with manipulation and poisoning against the other parent.

Bullshit. Women on here are told to take the legal route, establish boundaries, have an email address for ex that you only check weekly so you're not surprised by sudden abusive emails...

This man should have been protecting op better. The advice to just ignore is unfair on op- 12 years!!!! It suits her husband for op to be the target of her anger when he could easily divert the ex's anger on himself if it's so easy to do. Being accused of poisoning someone is an awful accusation

Bitter exes usually kick off more when a pregnancy occurs. I worry for op and this baby

[Coyoacan]

Regardless of how you try and present it, the dss was barely born and in you muscle. You may insist you weren't the ow, but it certainly doesn't come across that way

My odious ex got married when our dd was ten months old and his wife was certainly not the ow. In fact I never knew of any ow.

[Mittens030869]

I think some posters are just desperate to blame the stepmother whatever the actual circumstances. Even if the OP had been the OW (which isn't the case by all accounts), 12 years on all the parties involved should have moved on by now. And it would still be no excuse for the ex dripping poison into her DS's ear to get revenge on her ex.

[Mittens030869]

That should have read 'revenge on her ex and his wife'. But what she's doing is damaging her DS much more than the other adults involved.

[netflixismysidehustle]

It was 12 years ago. Even if there was overlap there's a point where you have to let it go.

My ex left 8 years ago under shitty circumstances but it's 8 years ago so I've obviously let it go. Keeping on being bitter would be punishing myself- it's not like he gives a shit if I'm happy or not so why would I waste time and headspace on a person like that?

[Lostmyshityear9]

And it would still be no excuse for the ex dripping poison into her DS's ear to get revenge on her ex

This is an assumption. She may be doing nothing of the sort. It's perfectly possible that the mess has occured because of....well, who knows? Something the OP's dh once said, some kind of stereotype of evil step mothers that pervades our society being dripped into him, a twist of something the OP said 5 years ago which has built up in the dss's head into something it isn't.....anything at all. The ex is an easy target - stops you having to examine your own behaviour - but ultimately, it is up to the DH in this situation to take responsibility for his relationship with his son. It really doesn't sound like that has happened.

My ex is an absolute shitbag towards me. But his boundaries are excellent when it comes to discipline and expecting the children to fit into his household and do as they are told. They know exactly where they stand. There is nothing I could say to our children that would change their opinion of him.

[Jellybeansincognito]

can I ask why you didn’t answer my question regarding your age op?

If you are 27, this changes things hugely.

[DamsonDragon]

@Hop27

But if we don't have him in the house it will be 'your dad and hop don't want you'
It's such an epic mess .......

but it dosent have to be seen this way. The solution to this issue is simple.

Your DH picks him up and takes him out for the day but dosent go to your house. While there out together your DH explains very clearly why he is not able to visit the house anymore saying something like..
I want to explain why you can no longer visit the house. Your mum told me that you think that @Hop27 is trying to poison you. These are very serious accusations that are very hurtful, and mean as Hop27 has tried to care for you for many years. Likewise these accusations are very serious, as Hop27 lives with me, it is best to keep you both apart if you feel that Hop wants to poison you which means you won't be able to visit the house or have overnights, as i will not ask Hop to leave the house she lives in. I am very hurt and upset that you would say these things about Hop, but i will continue to see you outside the house for days out. Unfortunately this is a consequence of making accusations and we have to love with the consequences of our actions. Please don't think that Hop dosent like you, she has tried with you for many years but has found this incredibly hurtful and therefore as your father i need to manage the situation. Due to the accusaions I have no choice but to keep you apart and therefore outside of the house

[RedHelenB]

It seems odd that no relationship between you has been built over 12 years,.

[ChaosRising]

It is absolutely unbelievable reading this what some step-parents are expected to put up with in their own homes (not a step parent myself so not commenting from a biased perspective).

You are not the children's parent. Your position as step-mum is more akin to an aunt or adult friend or acquaintance. So the parents should damn well make sure any step children (here, your DSS) treat you with the minimum level of respect they would be expected to show to any other adult acquaintance. In exchange, you should create a welcoming environment when DSS stays and give him and his dad space to spend time together (which it sounds like you do). DSS's mum sounds absolutely barmy. There's no reason why you should put up with her abuse, it sounds like it's verging on harassment.

[Coyoacan]

DamsonDragon

I love your solution

[BikerWife]

My DSS is 12, DH split with his ex 9 years ago (she had an affair and is now married to affair partner with a shared dc age 7).

I met DH 7 years ago. Ex has been VERY difficult (police & legal action involved). Clearly in no way was I OW.

I get on well with DSS when he's here but he tells all sorts of lies about me to his mum

Part of me accepts that he is a child, influenced by mum, probably very conflicted and saying what he thinks she wants to hear... The other part of me is hurt and furious!

DH is very good and usually handles it well, you have my sympathy OP

[Abbazed]

Op when's he's round your DH can pay for Domino's. You let dss collect from the door and plate up. Those allegations are frightful!

[Abbazed]

Win win and he'll probably love the pizza most teens do.

[GhostCurry]

“ in this instance I had to cook, they were out at football so I was making dinner for them coming back at 8pm”

Sorry but that just isn’t true, there are many ways you could avoid cooking. Takeaway, your H prepares beforehand, ready meals that you open in full view.

I hope it works out though OP.