Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

At 39 weeks pregnant would you be happy with this?

212 replies

Cigarhands · 03/07/2020 20:10

My boyfriend has just informed me that 8 days before the due date of our son (first baby) he is going to Manchester to help his elderly Grandma move house. Manchester is around 1.5 hours from our house. I've said this is daft, and someone else needs to help, he argues he will be home within 1.5 hours if I need him, the odds are I won't go into labour at 39 weeks and for me to go from no signs whatsoever giving birth within 1.5 hours would be very unlikely.

I'm ready to tell him he's not welcome in the delivery room at this point, whatever day it may be Angry AIBU????

OP posts:
Skyliner001 · 03/07/2020 23:07

YANU and rude.

Original poster
Cigarhands · 03/07/2020 23:07

@alsohuman thank you for your post, yes am in even more of a tizzy now than when I first posted Confused that'll teach me!

OP posts:
copperoliver · 03/07/2020 23:08

He needs to help his grandma. If by some chance you went into labour on the same day,by the time you get to hospital and they settle you in he will be there. First baby will be more that 1:5. X

SarahAndQuack · 03/07/2020 23:08

@thisismytimetoshine - it used to be considered sensible to do lots of physical exams to check on the state of the cervix. It is now recognised that this is an infection issue, so they're frowned upon. That's why.

Mammyloveswine · 03/07/2020 23:08

My husband went to work on my due date... an hour and a half away... he was there a day later when I went into labour... he came home about 3 hours later... when things ramped up...

My parents had my eldest even I had my youngest... they were 90 mins away at a funeral on his due date when I rang to say I was in labour... they got back before I got admitted..

Labour takes ages! Early labour can be days long! Your husband sounds a lovely caring man helping his gran!

AnotherEmma · 03/07/2020 23:08

"I don't think it's relevant how long a first labour takes. The point is if you want your partner within reach, and they can be within reach, they need to talk to you about that, rather than assuming you'll be ok with it, or deciding it won't matter so long as you've not given birth by the time they get back."

This

Thisismytimetoshine · 03/07/2020 23:09

Ffs, Sarah, we know how it works Hmm

Thisismytimetoshine · 03/07/2020 23:10

[quote SarahAndQuack]@thisismytimetoshine - it used to be considered sensible to do lots of physical exams to check on the state of the cervix. It is now recognised that this is an infection issue, so they're frowned upon. That's why.[/quote]
I didn't ask why they're frowned upon. That wasn't my question, thanks.

Melroses · 03/07/2020 23:12

As a 3 hr first timer, I would recommend a back up plan with someone who can be around.

Really needed someone early on to help sort the mess and get me to hospital - it's fine once you're there.

SarahAndQuack · 03/07/2020 23:13

@Alsohuman, I'm sorry if you think it is nasty. I posted because people were posting anecdata, and trust me, nothing is scarier than finding that you've been told something and it's wrong.

I'm not quoting those stats to frighten, but because they're not widely known. A lot of women, and even more men, think all babies come easily and nothing much goes wrong, because it's the twenty-first century and we live in a developed country. And it is deeply traumatic for people who find out that is not the case. Even complications that are 'minor' and that end with a healthy mother and a healthy baby, can be really frightening if you didn't realise they could happen.

I wouldn't blame the OP's partner for imagining he'll go off for a few hours, and the worst that'll happen is he gets a text to come home. But if he goes off for a few hours and the OP has something traumatic happen, it could be a permanent damage to their relationship. It's not 'nasty' to raise that possibility - it's trying to avoid pain later on.

SmileyClare · 03/07/2020 23:14

I remember a sales assistant in Tescos asking me when I was due and when I said Last week actually, I'm overdue, she promised to hurry up as if I might eject the baby onto the conveyer belt at any minute.

There's a middle ground between stressing about timing, threatening to ban the partner from the delivery room and being a bit more relaxed.

Most people on here are just trying to give Op the benefit of their experience. I think we were all slightly panicked about giving birth and stressing about the logistics and a lot of those worries were unfounded when the time came.

It would be sensible for your partner to put a plan b in place should he not be able to help gran on the day or has to abandon the move though.

Mwnci123 · 03/07/2020 23:15

YABU

SarahAndQuack · 03/07/2020 23:15

@thisismytimetoshine - I was responding to your question about what's possible/impossible.

You will find that it is not possible to go to a midwife and say 'please check if my cervix has softened/ whether I'm dilating and likely to be in early labour' on a regular basis, because they will explain to you that checking too often is an infection risk. It is possible for them to do it, but since they won't do it to often, for a pregnant woman, it is impossible to get frequent checks in the way that was the norm a while back.

Thisismytimetoshine · 03/07/2020 23:15

Stop it, Sarah, most people know this stuff perfectly well, what's the matter with you?

SarahAndQuack · 03/07/2020 23:16

But you asked?!

EvilPea · 03/07/2020 23:17

When I had my first I worked 1.5hrs from my hospital.
But baby considerately started labour just as I got up... when I was 37 weeks.

MrPickles73 · 03/07/2020 23:19

Can he not help her another time? I think YANBU.

cdtaylornats · 03/07/2020 23:19

You can never tell, my friend took his son to school and in the 20 minutes it took to get back he was the father of a daughter.

Crazyprojectparent · 03/07/2020 23:20

My DH arranged to do something similar when I was going to be 39 weeks. It came as a shock to me that he didn't think anything of this. It wasn't that I objected necessarily (it wasn't the distance, as much as someone else was relying on his availability and he hadn't suggested he might not be able to make it) but it was that he hadn't even considered me or the impending labour at all whereas the arrival of DC was a big part of ALL my decision making at that stage. It was my first insight into how some people (including lovely, thoughtful DH) completely delegate all thinking and planning for bearing and caring for the child to the mother.

I suggested that he consider what might happen if DC arrived early, which he had not thought about at all. Unlike me he hadn't read any books or done any research on mumsnet so really had no idea when a woman could go into labour and it was that lack of thought that annoyed me. Why wouldn't he think he should investigate when our baby could arrive? I am not sure why he didn't think my pregnancy and our baby was going to impact on his life (believe me he understands now, 7 years on).

Fortunately a plan was put in place as I went into labour bang on 38 weeks and he couldn't make his trip in the end anyway.

JanewaysBun · 03/07/2020 23:20

I think as it's first baby it will be ok

With my DC2 he would have defo missed it though!

Ineedcoffee2345 · 03/07/2020 23:21

I do think yabu HOWEVER my first born Labour was 1hr 25minutes start to finish. Waters broke just about made ti hospital. so its possible he could miss it. My second was 45 mins didnt even make it to hospital with her Wine

Grandmi · 03/07/2020 23:21

Another Emma ..am not quite sure why you are being so patronising toward me ...probably because I don’t agree with you . Anyway husband was about 2 hours away at his aunts and would normally be working in the city which is a 1 hour commute ...so absolutely no drama ! I am a very independent person and very confident so I do not rely on husband generally. If I had had a ridiculously fast labour....which didn’t happen I had other close friends and family to call. We are all different .ok !

Thisismytimetoshine · 03/07/2020 23:22

[quote SarahAndQuack]@thisismytimetoshine - I was responding to your question about what's possible/impossible.

You will find that it is not possible to go to a midwife and say 'please check if my cervix has softened/ whether I'm dilating and likely to be in early labour' on a regular basis, because they will explain to you that checking too often is an infection risk. It is possible for them to do it, but since they won't do it to often, for a pregnant woman, it is impossible to get frequent checks in the way that was the norm a while back.[/quote]
For the love of Christ...
Poster 1: Your midwife can tell if labour is imminent by checking your cervix.
Poster 2: No, she can't.
I know it's just phrased badly, I'm not as dumb as you seem to think 🤔
I know the difference between can't and won't

AnotherEmma · 03/07/2020 23:22

Amazing how many posters have crystal balls and can predict things with such certainty.

I'd love you all to tell me exactly when I'm going to go into labour and how long it's going to take, i could plan it all out nicely Grin

AnotherEmma · 03/07/2020 23:24

Funnily enough the condition of the cervix does not allow midwives to predict onset of labour with any kind of certainty.

It's one possible indication and predictions can be right or wrong.

I said can't and I meant can't. Not won't.