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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

At 39 weeks pregnant would you be happy with this?

212 replies

Cigarhands · 03/07/2020 20:10

My boyfriend has just informed me that 8 days before the due date of our son (first baby) he is going to Manchester to help his elderly Grandma move house. Manchester is around 1.5 hours from our house. I've said this is daft, and someone else needs to help, he argues he will be home within 1.5 hours if I need him, the odds are I won't go into labour at 39 weeks and for me to go from no signs whatsoever giving birth within 1.5 hours would be very unlikely.

I'm ready to tell him he's not welcome in the delivery room at this point, whatever day it may be Angry AIBU????

OP posts:
Grandmi · 03/07/2020 22:51

TBH be thankful that you have such a thoughtful partner caring for his grandma ...it’s a good sign that he will be a thoughtful Daddy and partner! 1.5 hours is not very far away at all !

SmileyClare · 03/07/2020 22:52

It could be fast, there isn't any way of knowing valid point although statistically much more unlikely but yes could be possible.

We are in agreement on Sweeps though Emma I didn't think they were the norm these days? Awful experience.

newmum332 · 03/07/2020 22:52

I think it’s lovely that he’s helping his elderly grandmother tbh, it’s not that far. He’d more than likely be back in time if anything were to happen.
YABU

Thisisworsethananticpated · 03/07/2020 22:54

I was the same level of Nervous with a first baby and caused a major war So I 100000% understand

Don’t make my mistake OP ! Let him do the right thing , as even if you start , he will be home in time

First labours take hours

And this is a good thing , not a stag weekend

AnotherEmma · 03/07/2020 22:54

"TBH be thankful that you have such a thoughtful partner caring for his grandma ...it’s a good sign that he will be a thoughtful Daddy and partner!"

A thoughtful "Daddy" and partner would discuss it with his heavily pregnant partner and consider her feelings carefully before making a decision about whether to do his grandma a favour or see if he can find an alternative - and he would probably help his partner set up a backup plan so she'd feel less anxious about him doing it.

But sure, let's keep the bar low and be thankful for the scraps we get (well, other people get) from the men in our lives 🙄

Thisismytimetoshine · 03/07/2020 22:57

But sure, let's keep the bar low and be thankful for the scraps we get (well, other people get) from the men in our lives 🙄
Pure nonsense, in the context of this thread.

SmileyClare · 03/07/2020 22:58

I didn't actually mean that Op should request a cervix inspection because her partner has something planned. I just meant that on late pregnancy appointments, a midwife can usually predict if labour is imminent after a check up. It's not fail safe but might serve as a warning to reconsider immediate plans.

Op isn't 38 weeks now, this is something happening in the future.

EnglishRain · 03/07/2020 22:58

I don't think I agree with most on here. I say YANBU.

I am nearly 38 weeks and booked for a section at 39 weeks. I wouldn't be happy DH going off 1.5 hours away to do something like help family right now. I've been home alone for four months now and emotionally really need the support of him being here on his days off. I'm lonely as sin and the hospital is an hour away. We are also staying distanced from family still, if I test positive for covid he isn't allowed to be at my c section, and he has to go home before the baby is two hours old as it is, which is bad enough.

I think people are being mean on here. It's not about the odds of you giving birth alone.

AnotherEmma · 03/07/2020 22:59

It's not nonsense at all.
What is nonsense is the fact that people are telling OP she has to be "thankful" for something she's unhappy about.

Original poster
Cigarhands · 03/07/2020 22:59

@AnotherEmma this wasnt really a thread I setup to bash my partner, it was more to see if I was being over anxious with the timing of him helping his Grandma. He is a very thoughtful partner....that's never been my concern

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 03/07/2020 22:59

Cross posts, i was responding to Thisismytimetoshine

SarahAndQuack · 03/07/2020 22:59

TBH be thankful that you have such a thoughtful partner caring for his grandma ...it’s a good sign that he will be a thoughtful Daddy and partner!

Are you kidding? Why should she be 'thankful'?

It's not 1850.

And no, I don't see how a man who 'informs' his pregnant partner that he's unilaterally made a decision against her best interests is a man who is 'thoughtful'.

Suzie6789 · 03/07/2020 23:00

Yes my DH did that at 39 weeks. A first baby will usually take more than 1.5 hrs for the real action to start.

AnotherEmma · 03/07/2020 23:01

"I just meant that on late pregnancy appointments, a midwife can usually predict if labour is imminent after a check up."

No she can't. Things might have been different when you were last pregnant. But in 2020 pregnant women don't get sweeps before 39 weeks. I can't think why you would unless there were early signs of labour or medical reasons for an induction.

SarahAndQuack · 03/07/2020 23:01

@Cigarhands - I think you're being fine.

I don't think your DP deserves a bashing - I think if he were to act the way people on this thread think he should, then he would deserve it.

Can you talk to him and ask how he'd feel if you did go into labour suddenly?

Thisismytimetoshine · 03/07/2020 23:03

It's not not in her best interests, ffs! It's a 90 minute journey, stop with the bloody hyperbole 🙄. He could nip out to the supermarket and be gone for longer.

AnotherEmma · 03/07/2020 23:04

Oh come on. He'd be able to get home much quicker from the supermarket.

Grandmi · 03/07/2020 23:04

AnotherEmma ...I stick by what I said and I don’t consider it a low bar . Any guy who cares so much about his grandma is a good guy . I would have the alarm bells ringing if my partner didn’t care about an elderly person ...my husband helped his aunt move house 2 days before our baby was due and I didn’t expect anything else . It’s easy really..you call if labour starts and husband / partner come home !

AnotherEmma · 03/07/2020 23:05

How long a journey between your house and your aunt's house, pray tell?

slipperywhensparticus · 03/07/2020 23:05

My midwife casually mentioned when I was 37 weeks that I should pack my bag as she didn't think I would go over, my waters broke the next day so

But 1.5 hours on a good day is nothing just make sure he knows alternate routes in case of traffic jams etc

Alsohuman · 03/07/2020 23:05

There are some really nasty women posting on this thread. Quoting stillbirth statistics and doom mongering to a woman about to have her first child is needlessly cruel and insensitive.

If you want stats, OP, the average length of a first pregnancy is 40+3 and the average length of first labour is 18 hours. Mine was 40+5 and 23 hours. Please don’t listen to the horror stories, it’s likely your baby will be a few days late and equally likely that you’ll have at least 12 hours in labour.

Thisismytimetoshine · 03/07/2020 23:06

No she can't. Things might have been different when you were last pregnant.
Can you explain how something can go from being possible to impossible? Science usually works the other way round 😄

SarahAndQuack · 03/07/2020 23:07

FWIW ... my DP had a really long, mostly boring and partly dramatic labour with our first baby. And actually, the time she most wanted me there was three days before she was induced, when she had really strong Braxton Hicks and she was vomiting and really thought she was in labour.

If you read the statistics, you'd say yes, she didn't have the baby so I could have been away from home, no bother. But all the same I was dead glad I could get home quickly and look after her, because it wasn't any less scary or painful for being false labour.

After the the most painful bit was when they broke her waters - and she had nearly 24 hours to go after that. So, again, maybe I didn't need to be there. But that was a time she felt she needed me.

I don't think it's relevant how long a first labour takes. The point is if you want your partner within reach, and they can be within reach, they need to talk to you about that, rather than assuming you'll be ok with it, or deciding it won't matter so long as you've not given birth by the time they get back.

Swirlyceiling · 03/07/2020 23:07

Yabu. Labour is a slow process and 1.5 hours isn't that long.

Thisismytimetoshine · 03/07/2020 23:07

There are some really nasty women posting on this thread. Quoting stillbirth statistics and doom mongering to a woman about to have her first child is needlessly cruel and insensitive.
I agree. Quite an extraordinary thing to do.