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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

At 39 weeks pregnant would you be happy with this?

212 replies

Cigarhands · 03/07/2020 20:10

My boyfriend has just informed me that 8 days before the due date of our son (first baby) he is going to Manchester to help his elderly Grandma move house. Manchester is around 1.5 hours from our house. I've said this is daft, and someone else needs to help, he argues he will be home within 1.5 hours if I need him, the odds are I won't go into labour at 39 weeks and for me to go from no signs whatsoever giving birth within 1.5 hours would be very unlikely.

I'm ready to tell him he's not welcome in the delivery room at this point, whatever day it may be Angry AIBU????

OP posts:
ToBBQorNotToBBQ · 03/07/2020 22:17

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Waveysnail · 03/07/2020 22:17

First take ages. I think it's fine.

AnotherEmma · 03/07/2020 22:18

"It's not trying to be a "cool wife" to reassure the Op that first babies take bloody ages to birth."

No, it's not, it's just plain wrong (first babies don't always take ages to birth) and dismissive.

Dougalthesyrianhamster · 03/07/2020 22:24

YANBU My brother was 25 miles away when his partner went into labour and ended up missing it. First labour.

Also, people on here seem to be forgetting that things can also go wrong at any stage of pregnant, even full term. I'd be devastated if that had happened when my DD was born and my partner wasn't there.

TORDEVAN · 03/07/2020 22:24

YANBU, I would not have been happy if my DH had done this at my 39 week mark, given that it’s a house move that can be done by others, and especially if it was in the middle of a pandemic where the “experts” expect a second peak and him having to go into a city to do so.

My DH would not have done it unless absolutely unavoidable, but even then none of his or my family would have asked!

SarahAndQuack · 03/07/2020 22:24

I'm sorry to be blunt, but at 8 days before term, the OP is at the end of week 38 of pregnancy, right?

  • 26% of babies are born in week 37-28.
  • stillbirths account for 1 in 200 pregnancies, and roughly 1 in 50 women are monitored for risk of stillbirth at some point in their late pregnancy.

Add to that the incidence of birth trauma for first time mothers, and it's understandable why the OP might want to rely on her partner being there. It may well be she has a textbook long, slow labour at 40 weeks and is fine, but it absolutely isn't ridiculous for her to worry.

speakout · 03/07/2020 22:28

Loads of fathers may be 90 minutes away though- and presumable it is just one day for moving.
My OH was a field engineer when our babies were born. Being 4 or 5 hours away all day was a frequent ocurrence.
Many people are in this situation. Train or bus drivers, health care providers in the middle of a procedure, people using protective equipment or working solo on a shift.

Fathers can't stay stuck waiting for labour.

SmileyClare · 03/07/2020 22:30

Fair enough Sarah some first babies are born quickly. It's unusual though.

I'm all for sensibly risk assessing the situation. Considering the chances of giving birth early, having no warning signs before your partner left 90 minutes ago that morning, along with the chances of having a rapid labour and birth in under a couple of hours. My guess would be Very unlikely possibly unheard of for a combination of all those.

Some of the replies are probably unnecessarily frightening the Op. There are some very early signs that labour may happen in a few days.. the head engaging, cervix softening or losing the mucous plug might be sensible things Op could look out for.

AnotherEmma · 03/07/2020 22:32

Look out for your cervix softening - ok then Grin

SmileyClare · 03/07/2020 22:35

How is it helpful to quote still birth statistics to a nervous expectant mum? Not relevant to the discussion.

Indigochi · 03/07/2020 22:37

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Goosefoot · 03/07/2020 22:38

@SarahAndQuack

You can have a baby without your partner, his grandma may well be stuck without him. The chance of having the baby on time is remote, just chill and be glad your dp is a caring sort of bloke

Wow, talk about setting the bar low!

Why on earth would his grandmother be stuck without him, more than the OP? Confused

There exist these things called movers. They're professionals whose entire job is to move your stuff.

I agree with @anotheremma that there's a great deal of 'cool wife' posturing on this thread. Really: it doesn't make you a better person that you were more of a doormat than anyone else you know. It just makes you a doormat.

Not minding your partner doing things when you are near your due date is being a doormat?
AlphaDalpha · 03/07/2020 22:38

Let him help his grandma but call him if there is a twinge and this is coming from someone that has super fast labours.

SmileyClare · 03/07/2020 22:39

Emma You can ask a midwife. They can tell whether your cervix is soft by er sticking a couple of fingers up. Maybe that's not a thing anymore? I had my babies over 16 years ago. Grin

It might be better to ask a midwife for advice on the dad being a bit far away issue. Some of these replies are alarmist.

Giganticshark · 03/07/2020 22:39

My labour was short. My bf had to get from work and rush me to hospital. We just made it.
He also took a short break (with no mobile reception) very close to my due date. Life can't be put on hold and we knew the risk we were taking and were happy with that.
So it's up to you guys, do you have an alternative partner to help if he can't make it in time?

Thisismytimetoshine · 03/07/2020 22:41

@SmileyClare

How is it helpful to quote still birth statistics to a nervous expectant mum? Not relevant to the discussion.
It's completely irrelevant Confused. Nobody gets their partner to stay within 5 minutes of the house 8 days from their due date. People have to work, they can't go into suspended animation for a potential two week period, it's ludicrous to even suggest that this is what most people do. They really don't 😂
SarahAndQuack · 03/07/2020 22:41

Not minding your partner doing things when you are near your due date is being a doormat?

No, not at all.

But the OP does mind. She shouldn't be told she's bratty, immature, or OTT for doing so.

Thisismytimetoshine · 03/07/2020 22:44

She does mind, fair enough. She is being OTT 🤷🏻‍♀️

Indigochi · 03/07/2020 22:44

yabu

AnotherEmma · 03/07/2020 22:45

"You can ask a midwife. They can tell whether your cervix is soft by er sticking a couple of fingers up."

Well not every pregnant woman enjoys getting a midwife to stick her fingers up her vagina and poke her cervix from about 38 weeks onwards, every other day or so, just to check how imminent labour is so she can make an informed decision about how comfortable she is with her birth partner and the father of her child being further away than usual.

I mean, in my first pregnancy I had a sweep and found it so painful (during and afterwards) that I declined any more, and will do in my second pregnancy unless absolutely necessary.

This is all completely irrelevant, of course, because as I've repeatedly pointed out, labour could be long and slow or it could be fast, and there isn't actually any way of knowing.

MrsT1405 · 03/07/2020 22:47

Women had babies total without partners up to about 30 years ago. Believe me they dont have to be there. In some ways they are an unnecessary distraction. 90 mins is absolutely nothing in birthing terms.

SarahAndQuack · 03/07/2020 22:48

My guess would be Very unlikely possibly unheard of for a combination of all those.

Funny that, I must know an awful lot of women who're unheard of.

A woman in my antenatal group discovered her baby had died at 39 weeks; she rang to say she was worried, was scanned, and found out the news the same morning. Given the OP's husband is on a three hour round trip that he's 'informed' her he will be taking, this is an issue.

My SIL's first baby arrived after 45 minutes of contractions, when the hospital had reassured her they were only Braxton Hicks.

My grandmother's first baby arrived 15 minutes after being admitted onto a labour ward, when nurses told her to stop worrying, it would be hours (the baby didn't survive).

I am not keen to scare the OP but it makes me furious people on this thread are so cavalier about making her distrust her own instincts. It is not at all the same as if her husband had to be away for work. She is saying she would feel safest if he were with her, and he could arrange to be with her. It's really simple. If nothing else, this should be something he brings to her as a possibility to discuss - not a decision he's made on his own that he has 'informed' her about afterwards.

SarahAndQuack · 03/07/2020 22:49

Women had babies total without partners up to about 30 years ago.

Well, that's not true, and even if it were, women have typically had birth partners, even if they weren't their spouses. The OP has obviously expected her partner to be her birth partner, and now she's thrown.

EsmereldaMargaretNoteSpelling · 03/07/2020 22:50

Well, I gave birth in four hours at 37wks and two hours at 40wks. It can go really quick sometimes!

SarahAndQuack · 03/07/2020 22:50

You can ask a midwife. They can tell whether your cervix is soft by er sticking a couple of fingers up.

There is an excellent reason why midwives avoid doing this too often. It's an infection risk. They won't do it just because your partner is off on a trip and you want to know if you're near to labour.