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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

At 39 weeks pregnant would you be happy with this?

212 replies

Cigarhands · 03/07/2020 20:10

My boyfriend has just informed me that 8 days before the due date of our son (first baby) he is going to Manchester to help his elderly Grandma move house. Manchester is around 1.5 hours from our house. I've said this is daft, and someone else needs to help, he argues he will be home within 1.5 hours if I need him, the odds are I won't go into labour at 39 weeks and for me to go from no signs whatsoever giving birth within 1.5 hours would be very unlikely.

I'm ready to tell him he's not welcome in the delivery room at this point, whatever day it may be Angry AIBU????

OP posts:
Thisismytimetoshine · 03/07/2020 21:40

An hour and a half away?? Many people's daily commute is this or longer 🤷🏻‍♀️

MrsPotatoHeadsSheeWee · 03/07/2020 21:40

YANBU, you're pregnant and at term. If you need him there for your peace of mind it isn't unreasonable at all.

It may be 1.5 hours away, but what about traffic, the possibility that he might not be able to just leave as soon as you call if half of his DGM's stuff is on the van and the other half is in the old house/unloaded into the new house, and so on.

Stand your ground OP.

Livpool · 03/07/2020 21:44

He isn't going out getting drunk with friends and if he was working he could be this far away.

Also very unlikely this will be the exact time you'll go into labour.

Good luck ok OP -
hope all goes well xx

changeofname890 · 03/07/2020 21:44

[quote Crunchymum]@changeofname890

You are a better woman than I. Like fuck would my DP have been in Vegas whilst I was heavily pregnant with DC3.[/quote]
To be fair it was booked before we found out I was expecting, but I was still pretty posed off that he didn't cancel let me tell you!!

changeofname890 · 03/07/2020 21:45

Would love to be able to edit posts!! Pissed off not posed off 😖

ShellieEllie · 03/07/2020 21:46

My husband was working 4 hours away when I went into labour (overdue) with our first and he was home long before I even entertained going to the hospital. First labours tend to take a long time.

MrsT1405 · 03/07/2020 21:46

You can have a baby without your partner, his grandma may well be stuck without him. The chance of having the baby on time is remote, just chill and be glad your dp is a caring sort of bloke

Wishihadanalgorithm · 03/07/2020 21:52

OP, do you have an alternative birthing partner if your partner can’t be there? I would make sure you have a back up plan and then tell him to go. He seems determined to so I wouldn’t try to prevent him. If something happens and he misses the birth, or there’s complications it will be his conscience he has to live with.

SarahAndQuack · 03/07/2020 21:54

You can have a baby without your partner, his grandma may well be stuck without him. The chance of having the baby on time is remote, just chill and be glad your dp is a caring sort of bloke

Wow, talk about setting the bar low!

Why on earth would his grandmother be stuck without him, more than the OP? Confused

There exist these things called movers. They're professionals whose entire job is to move your stuff.

I agree with @anotheremma that there's a great deal of 'cool wife' posturing on this thread. Really: it doesn't make you a better person that you were more of a doormat than anyone else you know. It just makes you a doormat.

AnotherEmma · 03/07/2020 21:59

"Really: it doesn't make you a better person that you were more of a doormat than anyone else you know. It just makes you a doormat."

Harsh but true!

Also: since when was moving house somehow equivalent to giving birth?! Oh poor grandma might have to get someone else to help her... meanwhile OP can't exactly get someone to give birth to her child for her, can she?!

Daftodil · 03/07/2020 22:01

I agree with you. Can't someone else help his granny? It's not about whether he can get back within 90 minutes, it is about the fact that having a baby is nerve wracking (especially your first one) and you want a hand hold. It's about the fact that when you are having someone's baby you expect that person to put you first.

Thisismytimetoshine · 03/07/2020 22:04

I agree with @anotheremma* that there's a great deal of 'cool wife' posturing on this thread. Really: it doesn't make you a better person that you were more of a doormat than anyone else you know. It just makes you a doormat.*
Seriously? Some people just suggested that the journey was a perfectly normal big city commute. Which it is Confused

AnotherEmma · 03/07/2020 22:05

"It's about the fact that when you are having someone's baby you expect that person to put you first."

Yep. You and the baby.

SonjaMorgan · 03/07/2020 22:07

1.5 hours is nothing. Most people are in labour for far longer especially with the first. I am sure he is taking a mobile and is willing to drop everything if he is needed.

SmileyClare · 03/07/2020 22:09

There exist these things called movers slightly patronising! There exist these things called People who cannot afford movers.

I blame the Tele dramas for new mums panicking about getting a twinge and racing at break neck speed to hospital with a head between their legs. EastEnders love a baby born on the floor storyline. Stacey's baby suddenly popped out during the nativity Grin

I found when I rang the hospital with Labour pains panicking Oh God I'm having a baby!, they were very reluctant for me to come in. I was advised to have a long bath and take a paracetamol, ring back in an hour. In short you can wait 90 mins for dad to return.

I remember being very nervous about the birth at 39 weeks Op so do sympathise.

MumW · 03/07/2020 22:11

The issue is not that he's an hour and a half away, that's fine, YABU. What you need to establish is whether he can just down tools and leave? Is he the only one helping and he will be tied up until the move is complete then YANBU.

My DH went to a sporting event during week 39 of my first pregnancy, about the same distance away. He went on condition he could come as soon as I called so he took his car and went independent of his mates. He was fine with that.

Mulhollandmagoo · 03/07/2020 22:11

Please try not to worry, I know it's hard at this stage of your pregnancy, you'll be exhausted and your hormones will be all over the place and that anxiety of giving birth is starting to creep in, but even if you go into labour while your partner is 1.5 hours away, he'll be back. My daughter was 6 weeks early so my husband was floored when I rang him and told him he needed to come home and he was an hour away at work and made it back long before anything exciting happened.

The only stern conversation I would have with him though is that his phone stays on loud and he must answer it if you call and that you'll only call in the event of an emergency and he must come straight home, then treat yourself to a peaceful PJ day while he's gone, it'll be the last bit of relaxation you get for a while so make the most of it 😂

Namechanger2099 · 03/07/2020 22:12

I found when I rang the hospital with Labour pains panicking Oh God I'm having a baby!, they were very reluctant for me to come in

Yes! They wouldnt let me come in until my contractions were 5 minutes apart!

Tv would have you thinking it all happens very quickly, in reality, with most woman it is a slow process

AnotherEmma · 03/07/2020 22:12

"they were very reluctant for me to come in. I was advised to have a long bath and take a paracetamol, ring back in an hour."

Yes and midwives are notorious for being dismissive towards first time mothers in labour, they assume that everyone is panicking for no reason and will sometimes fob women off to the extent that women can end up having an unplanned birth at home, on the journey or in the car park.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Every woman and labour is different. Don't assume all will fit the statistical norm. You're doing the women who won't fit the norm a huge disservice.

Saxineno · 03/07/2020 22:13

YABU.

If you're showing signs of early labour that morning he may need to postpone, maybe have a back up plan just in case. But likely hood is you'll be in labour for more than 90 mins it takes for him to get back to you.

SmileyClare · 03/07/2020 22:13

It's not trying to be a "cool wife" to reassure the Op that first babies take bloody ages to birth.

Plenty of fathers to be go to work an hour or so away. What next? Asking them to take a month off and stay within a strict 30 minute travel radius pre birth?

SarahAndQuack · 03/07/2020 22:14

@Thisismytimetoshine - but other people's commutes are irrelevant. As I said before, I know someone whose husband was deployed abroad for months during her pregnancy and afterwards; that doesn't mean every pregnant woman should be delighted at the idea of her partner missing her labour and recovery. The issue is that the OP clearly did not expect her partner to suddenly be 1.5 hours away, and he decided to do that without consulting her.

@SmileyClare - if the grandmother really can't afford to pay for movers, the OP's husband could step in (which was, if you read, my suggestion). Since he can afford time off work and petrol for two 1.5 hour trips, he can obviously afford movers.

snowybean · 03/07/2020 22:15

YANBU but an hour and a half isn't soooo bad. It's be better if someone else could help his grandma move house though. I'd be a bit miffed, but not the end of the world as long as his phone has a VERY LOUD RINGER.

Good luck, OP. Hopefully it won't be any trouble at all :)

SarahAndQuack · 03/07/2020 22:16

It's not trying to be a "cool wife" to reassure the Op that first babies take bloody ages to birth.

But they don't. Many do, but some do not. It's not 'reassuring' to pretend they do.

snowybean · 03/07/2020 22:16

My first baby took 44 hours to arrive, if that helps!

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