Changing custody arrangement with ex-wife

[84dan]

Hoping to get some advise from anyone who shares custody.

Pre-lockdown I had my kids Friday-Monday every other weekend and every Tuesday overnight. I’ve now been made redundant due to Covid but luckily have been offered another job before my furlough ends BUT I now need to work every weekend (both days all day)

I’ve asked to speak to my ex about changing the arrangement so I can have the kids on my days off in the week (no court ordered arrangement, we’ve organised everything ourselves including maintenance, arrangement had changed slightly every time I’ve changed jobs but has always included at least a partial weekend). She is completely refusing to change the arrangement saying it’s her free weekend and she’s not willing to give it up.

I obviously don’t want to work weekends and will keep looking for other work, but right now I feel lucky to have anything and need to take whatever I can get. I also want to continue having quality time with my kids, so have asked to change the days to when I’m not working during the week. She works 2 days a week so will likely still get her “free time” just on different days.

I’m physically not around to have the kids now on the weekend (it’s not a WFH job) but she said she’s just going to drop the kids off regardless and that my girlfriend or parents can look after them. The visitation is for me to spend time with them - and if the arrangement doesn’t change I’ll hardly see them as my shifts don’t end til 7pm.

I’ve already explained I’ll raise the maintenance as I’m not able to have them on the weekends but she says it doesn’t matter as the arrangement isn’t changing.

AIBU here?

I'd go through court to get adequate access. She's being unreasonable unless her job requires her to always work weekends.

You need to arrange childcare for the days you are working during contact. Just like she does for her 2 days a week that she works during her time.

Sorry I should have said. She works 2 days during the week (can vary but never on weekends)

I agree with PP. Go to court for reasonable access to your children. Also maybe point out that she's not going to get much financial support if she acts like a diva so you can't work.

She is being ridiculous and I say that as a mother who has a similar arrangement with my ex.
Things change and although annoying that she won’t have every other weekend to herself she is being selfish to drop the children off and let whoever is there look after them.
With regards to the maintenance, might be worth mentioning that if you don’t take the job so you can still have the children every other weekend the maintenance will dramatically reduce due to you having to claim JSA.

Prelockdown my parents had the kids 1 day a week and her mum had the kids another day a week while she worked. I’ve had them while she works since I’ve been off on furlough

Sorry by similar arrangement I mean not court ordered etc.

@Smallsteps88 that is terrible advice. So the children don’t get any time with their father because his job has changed? My DS wouldn’t be happy (and neither would I) If his time with his Dad was actually time with someone else because his Dad was working. I would change the arrangement so the Dad and children get time together.

Sounds like she's interested in what is best for her and not for the children. I take it she likes to go out at the weekends?

Whilst it's not OK, ask yourself what the bigger picture looks like here.

Take this to court for a contact order - get the days changed. Cause bad feeling with your unhelpful ex, only to change the days back because you have a new job and can now have them weekends?

Stick with the current arrangements - explain to the children. This is far from ideal as you won't see them as much, but they will have consistency and it's only until you get a new job situated.

Prelockdown my parents had the kids 1 day a week and her mum had the kids another day a week while she worked.

So ask them both if they’ll do the same for you now.

She is being a knob... and I have a similar arrangement with my ex.

Sorry not everyone can put the kids first... even if that sometimes means changing arrangements

So the children don’t get any time with their father because his job has changed?

As I parent I arrange my work around my children. I don’t arrange my children around my work.

YANBU. She’s being selfish and not putting the children’s needs first.

Unfortunately looks like you’ll have to go through the courts if she won’t be reasonable.

@Smallsteps88 you are spectacularly missing the point here. Its not about childcare, it's about a father who would actually like to spend time with his children.

Are you able to get childcare and spilt that weekend with her? So one day the kids with your parents and one day with Mum. Then have them on your days off too?

@Smallsteps88 as do I as the resident parent. My ex only has limited time with his son, if his job changed then so would the arrangements so my son still gets time with his dad.

Well not everyone has that luxury @Smallsteps88 ffs. OP is lucky to have gotten another job in these circumstances.

you are spectacularly missing the point here. Its not about childcare, it's about a father who would actually like to spend time with his children.

No, the point that has been missed is that this man has a responsibility to consider his children when arranging work. Not just accepting the work and then rearranging the children. That’s not a luxury you have when you are a parent.

@Smallsteps88 I highly doubt you would be that picky if you had been mad redundant. You don't get the luxury of "arranging work around your children" when there are bills to be paid, you take whatever job you can get.

Anyway she's being U. My ex works 2 out of 3 weekends due to the nature of his job. It's just how it is. He has DS in the week instead.

@Smallsteps88

Sweet Jesus - are you purposely missing the point?

OP - go to court and get this properly sorted out. Your ex is being unreasonable.

He accepted work and then just dumped the consequences of that on his ex and children and expect them to work around him. Decency would have had him speaking to her before hand and asking if she can accommodate a new contact schedule before he accepted the new role.

@Smallsteps88 are you serious? Global pandemic, lost his job, managed to find another one and as the resident parent you wouldn’t cut him a bit of slack and make a TEMPORARY change in the arrangements?!

The other “consequence” @Smallsteps88 would be no maintenance because he has no money.

OP go to mediation for a new agreement

His ex doesn't work weekends. So there's no issue with her looking after the children while he works. It's not ideal for her but it's hopefully temporary, as OP says. I wouldn't want to see the father of my child in poverty just because I wanted my weekends free.

Stormzy I think you have missed Smallsteps' point?

If the 2 sets of GPs currently have the kids one day each on weekdays while the exW works, could they have one day each at the weekend while OP works and OP would get the 2 weekdays with the kids.