Changing custody arrangement with ex-wife

[84dan]

Hoping to get some advise from anyone who shares custody.

Pre-lockdown I had my kids Friday-Monday every other weekend and every Tuesday overnight. I’ve now been made redundant due to Covid but luckily have been offered another job before my furlough ends BUT I now need to work every weekend (both days all day)

I’ve asked to speak to my ex about changing the arrangement so I can have the kids on my days off in the week (no court ordered arrangement, we’ve organised everything ourselves including maintenance, arrangement had changed slightly every time I’ve changed jobs but has always included at least a partial weekend). She is completely refusing to change the arrangement saying it’s her free weekend and she’s not willing to give it up.

I obviously don’t want to work weekends and will keep looking for other work, but right now I feel lucky to have anything and need to take whatever I can get. I also want to continue having quality time with my kids, so have asked to change the days to when I’m not working during the week. She works 2 days a week so will likely still get her “free time” just on different days.

I’m physically not around to have the kids now on the weekend (it’s not a WFH job) but she said she’s just going to drop the kids off regardless and that my girlfriend or parents can look after them. The visitation is for me to spend time with them - and if the arrangement doesn’t change I’ll hardly see them as my shifts don’t end til 7pm.

I’ve already explained I’ll raise the maintenance as I’m not able to have them on the weekends but she says it doesn’t matter as the arrangement isn’t changing.

AIBU here?

@Smallsteps88 I highly doubt you would be that picky if you had been mad redundant. You don't get the luxury of "arranging work around your children" when there are bills to be paid, you take whatever job you can get.

I’ve been out of work since March when the lockdown caused schools to be shut. I can’t work again until September. Because I have to look after my children. I could go straight back to work tomorrow but.... umm children!

Ah, thread moved on while I was typing!

My point above still stands but I agree Smallsteps' other remarks are not on.

Sweet Jesus - are you purposely missing the point?

No- I’m pointing out the other points. From the ex’s perspective.

@Smallsteps88 so how are you surviving financially then?

Ah, so you are projecting your feelings about your situation on to the OP. Makes sense now.

@Smallsteps88 are you the ex?!

@84dan have you tried suggesting to your ex wife upping the amount of contact? So you keep having them every other weekend and arrange childcare for while you are in work. But also have them the 2 days during the week when you are not working in order for you and the DC to have time together? That way she still gets her free weekends and you get more time with your children

So there's no issue with her looking after the children while he works.

That’s not up to her ex to decide! You don’t just get to decide your Ex’s free time is yours to use for childcare. You discuss it and come to an arrangement. You don’t just decide it’s happening and present it to them.

@Smallsteps88

He accepted work and then just dumped the consequences of that on his ex and children and expect them to work around him. Decency would have had him speaking to her before hand and asking if she can accommodate a new contact schedule before he accepted the new role.

Totally agree

It's like parenting is some kind of optional activity for some

Sort out childcare for your days, problem solved.

[quote Waxonwaxoff0]@Smallsteps88 so how are you surviving financially then?[/quote]
I’ve had to apply for universal credit like millions of others.

His ex only works 2 days a week so she gets plenty of free time. It will just be on different days as OP says.

Wonder how she'll feel if you don't get a job at all and she gets zero maintenance?

Ask to have the DC 50:50 so she still gets EOW off and more time off in the week. Ask your parents to look after the DC on one of your weekend days instead of one of ex's working days and she can sort out childcare herself?

[quote Yesmate]@Smallsteps88 are you the ex?![/quote]
Oh I must be! It’s certainly not possible that another completely uninvolved person could have an opinion that disagrees with the OP on this, is it?

What would my ex have done? Or me?
Asked first, seen what was possible, offered other things eg it's only temporary, or I'll take them on holiday later, or just a bottle of wine to say thanks
Ultimately if he said no or I said no, I'd accept that and sort childcare myself and keep looking for another job

@Waxonwaxoff0

His ex only works 2 days a week so she gets plenty of free time. It will just be on different days as OP says.

Again- that’s her time to decide what happens during it. Just like she doesn’t get to decide that he is suddenly looking after the kids every weeknight after he finishes work just because it’s his free time. Right?

@Smallsteps88 right, so I'm guessing you are a single parent. In which case you will get a lot more UC than the OP would as a single man.

It's not "her time." When you have children you don't get "your time." You need to be prepared to be flexible when you are co parenting, especially when it is not court ordered.

How old are the children? Surely they'd be at school during the week? I can see both points of view. Why should your ex have to accommodate you and why should see have to give up her free time but surely she'd come up with some kind of compromise so the children could see you.

When I was a single parent I looked forward to my free weekends to actually socialise without the children.

I agree with small steps.

If mum found a job working weekends, would you have the kids every weekend?

Single parents cannot just accept jobs on the weekend. You're treating her as the Default Parent, and the snide judgey comments about what else would she have to do, other than care for YOUR children.

Your days, your problem, unless you negotiate with her FIRST. You should never have accepted the job before sorting the kids.

right, so I'm guessing you are a single parent. In which case you will get a lot more UC than the OP would as a single man.

As a single man with only eow and one weeknight care of his DC his work options are a lot bigger than mine who has dc 24/7 365. I guarantee you he has other choices than just to work every weekend.

He said in the opening post that it is temporary and he will look for other work. His ex is the one being inflexible.

It's not "her time." When you have children you don't get "your time." You need to be prepared to be flexible when you are co parenting, especially when it is not court ordered.

She's not an on call nanny. They've split up. If he wants to change the contact, it needs to be negotiated with the kids' needs coming first. He gets his time, she gets her time. If course she gets her time.

I’ve offered to have the kids 50/50 multiple times but she’s always refused that she wouldn’t be able to afford the mortgage without the benefits and the maintenance I pay (and doesn’t want to sell). I thought if we had a 50/50 arrangement I would obviously arrange cover for my weekends, but since it’s not 50/50 I assumed my visitation would need to fit in around my work

I’m so glad I’m more reasonable than @Smallsteps88 and her supporters.

Good luck OP. I hope you get it sorted. I am going to step away now because the ridiculous comments from some are making me exasperated and I save that emotion for special occasions.

As a single parent (which he is on those weekends), you can't just take a job when childcare is shut. Tough. That's single parenting.