Changing custody arrangement with ex-wife

[84dan]

Hoping to get some advise from anyone who shares custody.

Pre-lockdown I had my kids Friday-Monday every other weekend and every Tuesday overnight. I’ve now been made redundant due to Covid but luckily have been offered another job before my furlough ends BUT I now need to work every weekend (both days all day)

I’ve asked to speak to my ex about changing the arrangement so I can have the kids on my days off in the week (no court ordered arrangement, we’ve organised everything ourselves including maintenance, arrangement had changed slightly every time I’ve changed jobs but has always included at least a partial weekend). She is completely refusing to change the arrangement saying it’s her free weekend and she’s not willing to give it up.

I obviously don’t want to work weekends and will keep looking for other work, but right now I feel lucky to have anything and need to take whatever I can get. I also want to continue having quality time with my kids, so have asked to change the days to when I’m not working during the week. She works 2 days a week so will likely still get her “free time” just on different days.

I’m physically not around to have the kids now on the weekend (it’s not a WFH job) but she said she’s just going to drop the kids off regardless and that my girlfriend or parents can look after them. The visitation is for me to spend time with them - and if the arrangement doesn’t change I’ll hardly see them as my shifts don’t end til 7pm.

I’ve already explained I’ll raise the maintenance as I’m not able to have them on the weekends but she says it doesn’t matter as the arrangement isn’t changing.

AIBU here?

You can almost taste the vemon being spat from the posters who have a bad relationships with their kids dads

I have spent the first couple of years after separation doing a contact pattern that suited him, messed around with changes that suited him on a regular basis. Eventually I realised his motive was making it difficult for me to pursue any kind of life. So I stopped bending over backwards and hey ho, I now have a life. He kicks back every now and again but carefully locking down social media and not discussing what I do when my children aren’t with me with the children so they have no information has helped enormously.

There are people out there who expect other people to just do what they say, when they say. Often such people control in relationships. Breaking free of that is followed by cries of unfair but there are people for whom an inch means a mile. It is easier to remove flexibility rather than be the person bending over backwards because when you’ve lost a job, missed out on much needed r and r with friends again, shelled out for an activity you now can’t attend, had to cancel a holiday, had your children miss out on activities etc etc it is hard to continue being flexible.

So scoff all you want but you have never lived my life with my ex.

@Howaboutanewname my ex is like this as well and for the same reason probably.

He's furious I'm not willing to let him pick and choose and I intend to be even less flexible simply because he sees it as an opportunity to mess me about. Had he not acted like this, I would've been a lot more willing to help out.

The o/p isn’t doing this to mess her about though.

He’s doing it because the choice is job or no job.

The only change she has is her free time is now on weekdays not weekends.

Again, if it were her saying she’d got a job working wednesdays, and o/p said no I can’t change from tues to weds because I go to the pub- would that get the same responses?

Okay, so it's okay for the mother to expect the father to look after the children every weekend so she can have the weekend off? surely the mother can at least spare every other weekend.

OP is not being selfish. He has found a job and well done OP in this tough climate!!

OP has offered to have 50/50 share and to swap his days for some days in the week
But his ex is having none of it since they are her weekends
OP pays maintence and gives her money - he appears to be a great dad and wanting to see his kids!!

OP some mumsnet users would have automatically hated you as soon as they saw you were male so please don't pay attention to the ones saying the mum is entitled to every weekend away from her kids

I'd understand the mother refusing if OP was saying he wants his weekends to go spend time with a new girlfriend who lives miles away,
But he has a job! Jobs are not a luxery!!

@Howaboutanewname

I am sorry you have had to struggle with a prick of a ex, and if taking away all forms of flexibility worked for you then fine. It is what it is and nothing i could say would change your mind regardless.

But telling other people they are wrong because its a similar situation to your own (yet in different circumstances) is not ok.

This isnt a hate crusade against single mums, its only replying to the limited information given in the OP, and then the responses by other people.

I in no way discount people who have been victims of domestic violence, emotional abuse, difficult family situations etc but from THIS post, he only seems to be trying his hardest & she seems to be the barrier of difficulty here.

Wether she has reasons to or not isnt clear, but im responding to the poster and his view. And the amount of hate hes had for trying his best is absolutely disgusting.

Im sure you could have written something similar here back when your ex was being incredibly difficult just to point prove and score points against you.

So really you could be on either side but you've chosen to follow the ex, purely because you are one with kids and custody.

The o/p isn’t doing this to mess her about though.He’s doing it because the choice is job or no job

Of course. There are two sides. You, and more importantly the OP assume the Ex has no reason for refusing. I suggest she may have good reason. She doesn’t have to share that.

Okay, so it's okay for the mother to expect the father to look after the children every weekend so she can have the weekend off?

You’re assuming it’s about having the weekend off. I have Some work every other weekend - just a few hours but it really makes a difference., Neither my ex nor my children know about that. They don’t need to as it doesn’t affect them. Part of my inflexibility is about protecting my income as well as protecting some down time for me in the evenings. It also means I protect my time with the children - so I can book an activity or make arrangements with friends several weeks in advance and be sure that it happens.

I don’t disagree in this case that it looks like the ex is being unreasonable. But I am suggesting all may not be what it seems.

So really you could be on either side but you've chosen to follow the ex, purely because you are one with kids and custody

So many assumptions! Custody isn’t a thing. Hasn’t been for many years. I have also said I agree the ex in this case may be being difficult. I have also said she may have reason and suggested what those reasons could be based on my experiences.

There are two sides in this.

@Howaboutanewname the same way you're saying 'I have some work every weekend', the father has work every weekend
The mother works 2 days a week, she has 3 days off in the week and weekend
I'm sure she can spare losing a few weekends like most people do when they have children.

Okay, so it's okay for the mother to expect the father to look after the children every weekend so she can have the weekend off? hmmsurely the mother can at least spare every other weekend

The OP has said that he has them every other weekend - not every weekend:

Pre-lockdown I had my kids Friday-Monday every other weekend and every Tuesday overnight.

FFS, he's not asking her to sort childcare. He's asking her to switch days so he can spend more time with his kids. And yes, jobs are quite difficult to come by at the moment in a lot of sectors what with there being a fucking pandemic on and 1000s of people losing their jobs on a daily basis.

He could just turn down the job and sign on but that's not going to keep her in the house that she doesn't want to sell or give her the child support she relies on.

OP, perhaps one approach may be to ask to temporarily have the additional time but keep the child support amount at the same level?

OP is asking for advice from parents who share custody.

He is asking for help.

Does he not want to hear from women that are in similar circumstances to his wife?

Ex is default parent - Check.
Previously been okay with changes to agreement - Check.
Eventually stopped being so agreeable - Check.
Ex has plans that must alter to facilitate new changes - Possibly!

As always, it just comes down to comunication.

If OP got in touch, said he was about or had just lost his job, that of course he will do anything to get another one but that in the I term he might have to take anything and that could involve weekend work in which case would it be ok with her to amend his time with their child until he goes back to a normal M-F role, than that would be considerate.

If he said nothing or just said that he lost his job so won't be able to give any maintenance but £7 a week. Then texted her with 'got job, it's weekend so can't have X on these days but I'll have them Tues and we'd instead', then yes, it's not on.