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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Changing custody arrangement with ex-wife

388 replies

84dan · 02/07/2020 18:40

Hoping to get some advise from anyone who shares custody.

Pre-lockdown I had my kids Friday-Monday every other weekend and every Tuesday overnight. I’ve now been made redundant due to Covid but luckily have been offered another job before my furlough ends BUT I now need to work every weekend (both days all day)

I’ve asked to speak to my ex about changing the arrangement so I can have the kids on my days off in the week (no court ordered arrangement, we’ve organised everything ourselves including maintenance, arrangement had changed slightly every time I’ve changed jobs but has always included at least a partial weekend). She is completely refusing to change the arrangement saying it’s her free weekend and she’s not willing to give it up.

I obviously don’t want to work weekends and will keep looking for other work, but right now I feel lucky to have anything and need to take whatever I can get. I also want to continue having quality time with my kids, so have asked to change the days to when I’m not working during the week. She works 2 days a week so will likely still get her “free time” just on different days.

I’m physically not around to have the kids now on the weekend (it’s not a WFH job) but she said she’s just going to drop the kids off regardless and that my girlfriend or parents can look after them. The visitation is for me to spend time with them - and if the arrangement doesn’t change I’ll hardly see them as my shifts don’t end til 7pm.

I’ve already explained I’ll raise the maintenance as I’m not able to have them on the weekends but she says it doesn’t matter as the arrangement isn’t changing.

AIBU here?

OP posts:
coasterboaster · 02/07/2020 19:17

but since it’s not 50/50 I assumed my visitation would need to fit in around my work

Nope. Life fits around kids when you're a single parent. You're the parent, too.

Hopoindown31 · 02/07/2020 19:18

It's pretty exceptional circumstances at the moment and I think she should cut you a bit of slack as should some of the posters on here. If you had just decided to change jobs to weekend work that would be different but global pandemic, economic slowdown and redundancy and your priorities are to make sure you have a roof over your head and food on the table and that you can actually financially support your kids. The idea that you should just sit around on universal credit for months on end as some critics on here are doing seems ridiculous.

Coronabegone · 02/07/2020 19:19

No, the point that has been missed is that this man has a responsibility to consider his children when arranging work. Not just accepting the work and then rearranging the children. That’s not a luxury you have when you are a parent.

 yeah bloody tell those employers to stock their job and stop the maintenance for the kids eh?

Stop being ridiculous @Smallsteps88

Waxonwaxoff0 · 02/07/2020 19:20

I bet there would be a different response if OP posted saying he was out of work and paying no maintenance but turned down a job because he didn't want to work weekends.

OverTheRainbow88 · 02/07/2020 19:21

I would go to court and get a mediated agreement in writing.

Seems unreasonable that’s she’s unwilling to change because she “wants a weekend off”!

coasterboaster · 02/07/2020 19:21

If a mum posted saying she'd got a new weekend job, and had an eow arrangement, but she'd accepted the job assuming her ex would have the kids every weekend without asking him... What would you say?

Mum is not the default parent.

OverTheRainbow88 · 02/07/2020 19:21

@Waxonwaxoff0

Too right!!!

Waxonwaxoff0 · 02/07/2020 19:21

Not many people have the luxury of working around their children. If they did, everyone would work term time school hours only. I'm a single parent and I don't work around DS, that's why I have to pay for breakfast club and holiday club.

RandomMess · 02/07/2020 19:22

Absolutely Wax!!!

Contact is for the benefit of the DC and to enable them to have a relationship with both parents.

Go to court for 50:50!

AllHallowsEve14 · 02/07/2020 19:22

I completely agree with everything smallsteps has said. My ex has changed jobs more times than I can remember and he just expects me to rearrange my life each and every time to accommodate his new hours/days. It takes the piss.

Smallsteps88 · 02/07/2020 19:22

I’m so glad I’m more reasonable than @Smallsteps88 and her supporters.

How silly. People having the same opinion as me does make them my “supporters” anymore than the people agreeing with you are your supporters.

TheLegendOfZelda · 02/07/2020 19:23

@Waxonwaxoff0

Not many people have the luxury of working around their children. If they did, everyone would work term time school hours only. I'm a single parent and I don't work around DS, that's why I have to pay for breakfast club and holiday club.
Oh, don't you just expect the other parent to do the childcare?
Waxonwaxoff0 · 02/07/2020 19:23

@TheLegendOfZelda on his days off I do. And he does.

Saggydoll · 02/07/2020 19:24

Of course shes being unreasonable, she enjoys her jollies on the weekend too much.. and dropping them off regardless if youre there or not? Wow.. her way or the highway it seems... u are being completely reasonable and most people will see that so take it to court

coasterboaster · 02/07/2020 19:24

waxonwaxoff do you work weekends? If not, would you be able to take a job at weekends easily?

If not... Why?

And that applies to the OP.

It's incredibly hard for a single parent to do a job that involves weekend work. Because there is no childcare.

Smallsteps88 · 02/07/2020 19:24

The idea that you should just sit around on universal credit for months on end as some critics on here are doing seems ridiculous.

Nice dig. You realise I have no alternative, right? I’m not just sitting around for shits and giggles.

TheLegendOfZelda · 02/07/2020 19:25

Op, how long do you think you will be doing this job? It sounds like your ex isn't going to be helpful (asking before applying for a job you need her help with might have made her more amenable) so if it's temporary, probably not worth the hassle. If it's longer term then maybe mediation/court is better.
How old are the kids?

Royalbloo · 02/07/2020 19:26

Me and ex DH have worked around him having work available and therefore being able to pay his bills and stay local to DD - otherwise he would have had to relocate to his parents house and wouldn't have seen her. I even offered to lend him some money if he needed it - putting your kids 1st is paramount and, for my DD at least, that means Dad being about to be a part of her life.

TheLegendOfZelda · 02/07/2020 19:27

[quote Waxonwaxoff0]@TheLegendOfZelda on his days off I do. And he does.[/quote]
That's great, weekends at short notice and everything, he sounds v helpful

Smallsteps88 · 02/07/2020 19:27

I'm a single parent and I don't work around DS, that's why I have to pay for breakfast club and holiday club.

So you use childcare. But apparently that’s a ridiculous thing to suggest the OP does.

Royalbloo · 02/07/2020 19:27

P.s I hate him and he was abusive to me but he loves DD and that's what she cares about - it's not about me...

heartsonacake · 02/07/2020 19:27

If it's longer term then maybe mediation/court is better.

TheLegendOfZelda I understand your rationale but the ex has shown herself to be capable of being totally unreasonable and disinterested in putting her children’s needs first.

So I would think OP does need to go to court, then at least he’ll have a very good chance at 50/50 and she can’t stop that then either.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 02/07/2020 19:27

I don't work weekends. I can't work weekends because my ex works weekends. If my ex didn't work weekends, like in this case, then I certainly would expect him to step up and provide weekend childcare if I was out of work and it was the only job I could get.

Being a lone parent is different to being a co parent. A lone parent has nobody who can provide childcare as the other parent isn't in the picture. But that's not the case here. There is another parent who is able to provide childcare. Plenty of married couples have to work around each other.

coasterboaster · 02/07/2020 19:28

If the job is longer term, OP is choosing a job that means he never gets a weekend with his kids. Never mind the ex, that's a way to long term damage his relationship with his kids, never or rarely getting a non-school day with them. What sort of good parent would want that. Money doesn't make up for that.

amy85 · 02/07/2020 19:28

I don't blame her!!! My ex has done similar recently and it annoys the hell out of me that he expects me to rearrange my life because he took a job without thinking of his children first.

Just because you don't have your kids 50:50 doesn't mean you should only get them when you don't work....you can't just pick and choose when you want to be a parent....if your working when you are supposed to have your kids then you will have to sort out childcare like lots of other parents have to do

And this talking about he needs quality time with the kids well if he has them midweek then the kids will be at school during the day so he wouldn't get much extra time then really as he'd only see them after school