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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Changing custody arrangement with ex-wife

388 replies

84dan · 02/07/2020 18:40

Hoping to get some advise from anyone who shares custody.

Pre-lockdown I had my kids Friday-Monday every other weekend and every Tuesday overnight. I’ve now been made redundant due to Covid but luckily have been offered another job before my furlough ends BUT I now need to work every weekend (both days all day)

I’ve asked to speak to my ex about changing the arrangement so I can have the kids on my days off in the week (no court ordered arrangement, we’ve organised everything ourselves including maintenance, arrangement had changed slightly every time I’ve changed jobs but has always included at least a partial weekend). She is completely refusing to change the arrangement saying it’s her free weekend and she’s not willing to give it up.

I obviously don’t want to work weekends and will keep looking for other work, but right now I feel lucky to have anything and need to take whatever I can get. I also want to continue having quality time with my kids, so have asked to change the days to when I’m not working during the week. She works 2 days a week so will likely still get her “free time” just on different days.

I’m physically not around to have the kids now on the weekend (it’s not a WFH job) but she said she’s just going to drop the kids off regardless and that my girlfriend or parents can look after them. The visitation is for me to spend time with them - and if the arrangement doesn’t change I’ll hardly see them as my shifts don’t end til 7pm.

I’ve already explained I’ll raise the maintenance as I’m not able to have them on the weekends but she says it doesn’t matter as the arrangement isn’t changing.

AIBU here?

OP posts:
HogDogKetchup · 02/07/2020 19:28

Since when was working a luxury? The OP wouldn’t get to see his children with this set up. Surely that’s not ideal for anyone when the solution is staring everyone in the face. Paid work normally has to come first when everyone is a grown up. That’s what growing up is overrated. Not everyone is able to claim sufficient benefits to cover their overheads.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 02/07/2020 19:28

OP doesn't need to use childcare because there is another parent who is available to have the children.

coasterboaster · 02/07/2020 19:29

I don't work weekends. I can't work weekends because my ex works weekends. PMSL. Your ex has done a number on you. That's not co-parenting.

HogDogKetchup · 02/07/2020 19:29

if he has them midweek then the kids will be at school during the day so he wouldn't get much extra time then really as he'd only see them after school

He has said clear as mud it’s temporary. The kids are about to have 6 weeks off.

Royalbloo · 02/07/2020 19:30

The OP may only be able to get a job which includes weekend work...

TheLegendOfZelda · 02/07/2020 19:30

The clue is in the 'married'

You divorce to get away from this shit

I'd do it to help out, but not if I was taken for granted and expected to change everything at the drop of a hat with the assumption I would just fall in with his plans. He'd get a sharp no for that assumption.

It depends on the relationship between parents. It's a big ask and should be approached that way.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 02/07/2020 19:30

I bet there would be a different response if OP posted saying he was out of work and paying no maintenance but turned down a job because he didn't want to work weekends

I was just thinking this same thing. OP you were brave to post this on mumsnet, the land where EXHs and stepmums can do no right.

She is of course being unreasonable. It's interesting you mention she can't afford the mortgage without maintenance, yet is digging her heels in about your new job. It sounds like she's just cutting off her nose to spite her face and prove a point about being in control.

I'm sure I read yesterday that something like 12,000 people in the UK lost their jobs in a single day. Now is not the time to be turning her nose up at the work you have been offered and arguing about 'my days' and 'his days'.

coasterboaster · 02/07/2020 19:31

OP doesn't need to use childcare because there is another parent who is available to have the children Yet OP expects his ex to arrange childcare for her work days... I'm missing the "co" in this parenting scenario.

Smallsteps88 · 02/07/2020 19:31

Since when was working a luxury?

No, that’s not what I said. The luxury is taking the job first without worrying about childcare. That’s a luxury enjoyed by people who have no children. Parents don’t have that luxury. They have to consider their childcare options first and find out if they can get appropriate arrangements made before accepting the job.

FourDecades · 02/07/2020 19:32

I can see all view points.

As the resident parent, my weekends "off" are very precious as it's the only time l completely "switch off" from being oncall for the DC as l know they are 100% safe with their dad.

I would try and be accommodating as co-parenting is give and take however it does seem that the OP has just assumed that the DM would change rather then considered her needs too.

One thing that REALLY infuriated me when we first split... and still happens on occasion.... is how my XH will make a decision - for example to go on holiday.... and it will be up to me to sort the DC during his normal contact time

Waxonwaxoff0 · 02/07/2020 19:32

My ex is great thanks @coasterboaster and I actually prefer that he has his days off in the week, it saves me money on childcare in the school holidays.

coasterboaster · 02/07/2020 19:33

It's a big ask and should be approached that way.

This. It should not be approached as "well, you haven't got anything else to do, my time is more important, you're just going to sit on your arse..." Because that would get a flat out "on your bike", which is exactly what it sounds like happened.

You're asking her a big ask. How exactly did you ask her? (Or... Did you tell her?)

TheLegendOfZelda · 02/07/2020 19:34

@FourDecades

I can see all view points.

As the resident parent, my weekends "off" are very precious as it's the only time l completely "switch off" from being oncall for the DC as l know they are 100% safe with their dad.

I would try and be accommodating as co-parenting is give and take however it does seem that the OP has just assumed that the DM would change rather then considered her needs too.

One thing that REALLY infuriated me when we first split... and still happens on occasion.... is how my XH will make a decision - for example to go on holiday.... and it will be up to me to sort the DC during his normal contact time

Yes!! That still happens with me. Everything else is sorted now but wtf to that? If you can't cover your days then ask!!! It's the 'default parent' assumption that you are the 24/7 nanny. Really pissed me off
FuckKnowsMate · 02/07/2020 19:35

Fuck the job off OP. Get on benefits, have the kids 50/50 and pay no maintenance 🤷‍♀️

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 02/07/2020 19:35

Your ex and smallsteps are both being unreasonable!

Of course given the option of a weekday job or a weekend one, you’d take the weekday one and leave your weekends free to spend time with your DC, but at the moment you’re lucky to have found a new job so quickly and the fact that it fits around your exes work schedule makes it ideal, especially while the DCs are off over the summer, as it won’t matter if it’s weekdays or weekends at the moment.

Go to court to get a proper arrangement sorted. She’s clearly too selfish to be able to put her DCs first and is more concerned with her own time off than her kids seeing their dad.

Smallsteps, pray do tell where you find this weekend childcare until 7pm - I’m sure lots of us would find this helpful.

coasterboaster · 02/07/2020 19:35

My ex is great thanks @coasterboaster and I actually prefer that he has his days off in the week, it saves me money on childcare in the school holidays.

Him parenting his kids isn't something you have to be grateful for, you know.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 02/07/2020 19:36

Fuck the job off OP. Get on benefits, have the kids 50/50 and pay no maintenance wow. You do realise that a healthy adult with school age DCs can’t just claim benefits without actively searching for work 40 hours a week?

coasterboaster · 02/07/2020 19:37

It's the 'default parent' assumption that you are the 24/7 nanny. Really pissed me off 100 times this. OP, you're an equal parent, you have responsibility for your kids, she's not your nanny.

Smallsteps88 · 02/07/2020 19:37

arrangement had changed slightly every time I’ve changed jobs but has always included at least a partial weekend

This^ from the original post is probably relevant to her reaction. Sounds like there has been a lot of him changing jobs and subsequently the contact arrangement. Maybe she’s fed up rearranging her life around his job hopping.

FuckKnowsMate · 02/07/2020 19:37

@coasterboaster where did @Waxonwaxoff0 say anything about being grateful for a father doing what he should, she said their work and co parenting choices work for them and their children stop twisting what she wrote.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 02/07/2020 19:38

@coasterboaster not sure where you got the idea that I'm grateful from because I said I prefer something 🙄

FuckKnowsMate · 02/07/2020 19:39

@MarkRuffaloCrumble yes I do realise that, sarcasm is obviously missed on you. Until the OP finds a new job not involving working all weekend then that’s the only other alternative at the moment isn’t it

gobbynorthernbird · 02/07/2020 19:40

OP, how many times have you changed the arrangement to fit in with your various jobs?

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 02/07/2020 19:40

Just because you don't have your kids 50:50 doesn't mean you should only get them when you don't work....you can't just pick and choose when you want to be a parent....if your working when you are supposed to have your kids then you will have to sort out childcare like lots of other parents have to do

That would be fair enough if their mum worked full time. But she’s doing two days a week.

Smallsteps88 · 02/07/2020 19:41

Smallsteps, pray do tell where you find this weekend childcare until 7pm - I’m sure lots of us would find this helpful.

OPs Ex apparently, is the go to weekend childcare provider. For the rest of us- that is probably why we engage common sensedon’t accept weekend work without first sorting the childcare.