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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Changing custody arrangement with ex-wife

388 replies

84dan · 02/07/2020 18:40

Hoping to get some advise from anyone who shares custody.

Pre-lockdown I had my kids Friday-Monday every other weekend and every Tuesday overnight. I’ve now been made redundant due to Covid but luckily have been offered another job before my furlough ends BUT I now need to work every weekend (both days all day)

I’ve asked to speak to my ex about changing the arrangement so I can have the kids on my days off in the week (no court ordered arrangement, we’ve organised everything ourselves including maintenance, arrangement had changed slightly every time I’ve changed jobs but has always included at least a partial weekend). She is completely refusing to change the arrangement saying it’s her free weekend and she’s not willing to give it up.

I obviously don’t want to work weekends and will keep looking for other work, but right now I feel lucky to have anything and need to take whatever I can get. I also want to continue having quality time with my kids, so have asked to change the days to when I’m not working during the week. She works 2 days a week so will likely still get her “free time” just on different days.

I’m physically not around to have the kids now on the weekend (it’s not a WFH job) but she said she’s just going to drop the kids off regardless and that my girlfriend or parents can look after them. The visitation is for me to spend time with them - and if the arrangement doesn’t change I’ll hardly see them as my shifts don’t end til 7pm.

I’ve already explained I’ll raise the maintenance as I’m not able to have them on the weekends but she says it doesn’t matter as the arrangement isn’t changing.

AIBU here?

OP posts:
MissFritton65 · 02/07/2020 19:59

I haven't read all through the posts but I suggest you contact "Only Dads" a great support network who give brilliant advice. Bob who runs it is a great person.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 02/07/2020 20:00

Parents making applications to spend less time with their kids don't look good.

That's not what he's doing though.

FuckKnowsMate · 02/07/2020 20:00

He isn’t asking for LESS time he is asking to rearrange the days fuck sake

HogDogKetchup · 02/07/2020 20:00

I am horrified that posters would rather OP signed on and put more pressure on an economy that is really falling to its knees, than have the RP swap a few days around.

coasterboaster · 02/07/2020 20:00

Rearranging a weekend for days where the kids are at school is asking for less time.

Smallsteps88 · 02/07/2020 20:04

many of us have WFH with small children during this pandemic. Myself included. What’s stopping you?

Loads of things that are none of your business although I can see you are chomping at the bit to tear into me some more using whatever information I provide. As if my situation isn’t bad enough- what I really need is you shitting all over me. So I think I’ll decline that attractive invitation.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 02/07/2020 20:04

Rearranging a weekend for days where the kids are at school is asking for less time.

Picking them up from school at 3pm would give him a lot more time with them than the weekends if he's working until 7pm...

HogDogKetchup · 02/07/2020 20:04

they’re probably not in school and if they are, only for another few weeks. OP has indicated he doesn’t wish this to be permanent

FuckKnowsMate · 02/07/2020 20:05

@coasterboaster chances are the children aren’t even in school at the moment, summer holidays will be upon us all soon and the OP will hopefully have found another job before they go back in September. He is trying his best in circumstances out of his control.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 02/07/2020 20:05

what I really need is you shitting all over me.

And I'm sure OP has really benefitted your positive and constructive comments Hmm

coasterboaster · 02/07/2020 20:06

Go, on, op. Try court. I'm fascinated to see what a judge makes of you/the situation.

HogDogKetchup · 02/07/2020 20:06

And what are you doing to the OP that is so different. Presumably you think being made redundant and the loss of income that entails is a choice for him where it wasn’t for you. Your hand was clearly forced in a direction you didn’t want to take but OP apparently had all the options and isn’t faced with difficult decisions themselves...

HollyGoLoudly1 · 02/07/2020 20:07

Go, on, op. Try court. I'm fascinated to see what a judge makes of you/the situation.

Considering the VAST majority of posters agree with him, I think he would do fine Smile

Ticktocklovelyclock · 02/07/2020 20:08

she's being totally unreasonable. Most parents DO have their kids 24/7 including weekends

Smallsteps88 · 02/07/2020 20:09

And I'm sure OP has really benefitted your positive and constructive comments

For starters- OP put his situation on here and asked for opinions. He actually asked if he was BU. I didn’t even say he was. I advised he arranged childcare. Which is normally what people with children do when they get a job. Even people with live in partners don’t just get a job without discussing with their partner about covering the childcare during their new working hours.

coasterboaster · 02/07/2020 20:09

The vast majority of posters appear to have some serious internalised misogyny.

Courts centre children. Not flakey parents who keep wanting to swap their days.

FuckKnowsMate · 02/07/2020 20:11

So not seeing their father because the mother won’t be flexible temporarily is putting the children at the centre. Ok 😂

HogDogKetchup · 02/07/2020 20:11

Which is normally what people with children do when they get a job.

Not normal for you though is it? Hmm

madcow88 · 02/07/2020 20:11

I call bullshit on the fact your working every weekend imo. Same kind of lame excuse my ex would use is you ex not entitled to some free days without work and children OP? How about arrange for you to have them on your days off through the week and also ask grandparents to have them one night on the weekend that would have otherwise been yours?

EveleftEden · 02/07/2020 20:11

Go court and apply for 50/50

Hopoindown31 · 02/07/2020 20:11

At least OP is in no doubt that many women think he should drive himself onto the breadline to allow his ex to have her night out. The raging hypocrisy of some posters on MN is always breathtaking.

Look OP if your ex is being difficult you'll have to arrange childcare until you can arrange a court date or mediation. Despite what some think on here you won't be regarded as some kind of pariah.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 02/07/2020 20:12

The vast majority of posters appear to have some serious internalised misogyny.

Amazing 😂 Or maybe your just in the wrong here.

rayoflightboy · 02/07/2020 20:12

Go, on, op. Try court. I'm fascinated to see what a judge makes of you/the situation.

Oh I'm sure you he judge would be disgusted at a man.A man who is trying to do the best for his DC.
The DM in this case is a disgrace,using her kids as pawns.

She needs to realise the kids come first,not her social life.

Smallsteps88 · 02/07/2020 20:12

In OPs shoes Id have called my ex as soon as redundancy was announced and said “I’m going to be looking for new work- I’ll possibly need to change contact arrangements- can you give me an idea of what days works for you so I know what I can look for?”

Is that outrageous?

HogDogKetchup · 02/07/2020 20:13

Please let us know how the ex gets on when she’s without maintenance for the children. I’m sure she’ll be able to hastily reduce her expenditure to accommodate the drop in income. MN will applaud you.