Changing custody arrangement with ex-wife

[84dan]

Hoping to get some advise from anyone who shares custody.

Pre-lockdown I had my kids Friday-Monday every other weekend and every Tuesday overnight. I’ve now been made redundant due to Covid but luckily have been offered another job before my furlough ends BUT I now need to work every weekend (both days all day)

I’ve asked to speak to my ex about changing the arrangement so I can have the kids on my days off in the week (no court ordered arrangement, we’ve organised everything ourselves including maintenance, arrangement had changed slightly every time I’ve changed jobs but has always included at least a partial weekend). She is completely refusing to change the arrangement saying it’s her free weekend and she’s not willing to give it up.

I obviously don’t want to work weekends and will keep looking for other work, but right now I feel lucky to have anything and need to take whatever I can get. I also want to continue having quality time with my kids, so have asked to change the days to when I’m not working during the week. She works 2 days a week so will likely still get her “free time” just on different days.

I’m physically not around to have the kids now on the weekend (it’s not a WFH job) but she said she’s just going to drop the kids off regardless and that my girlfriend or parents can look after them. The visitation is for me to spend time with them - and if the arrangement doesn’t change I’ll hardly see them as my shifts don’t end til 7pm.

I’ve already explained I’ll raise the maintenance as I’m not able to have them on the weekends but she says it doesn’t matter as the arrangement isn’t changing.

AIBU here?

@timeisnotaline

Even in difficult times with thousands of job losses. That doesn't change my right to my life without any interference from him! There are plenty of people I wouldn’t go out of my way to help. But if they were the father of my children and unable to find a job when we know how many are being lost daily and how many people are looking, I wouldn’t be the obstacle to him taking work he could find just to be bloody minded. She will regret it when next she wants her week long holiday in Spain with her sister and has to book it when suits. Or want him to do anything jsut to suit her again, whcih seems to happen regularly.

Don't be silly.. don't you know as the NRP he has to bend over backwards to accommodate the RP whereas he has to make the impossible work without any compromise...

[quote Justus77]@Smallsteps88 - wow just wow.[/quote]

Great discussion.

You have an arrangement in place. You don't get to change it. You work around it.

We are in the middle of a pandemic, you don't get to control that you get to have to work around it!

It's this type of ridiculous inflexibility that leads to parents being unable to co-parent!

Luckily at least one parent is this scenario is reasonable even if the mother isn't.

Justus77
@Smallsteps88 - wow just wow.

Great discussion.*

Pretty much sums up your attitude though! It is WOW, is anyone that hard to reason with!

and going slightly off topic. My brother works for BT, they have some jobs on offer at the moment.
Do you know how many people are applying for every 1 job....... 12000 yes you read the right 12000 applicants for 1 job.

So getting a job offer at the moment are like gold dust. You would be absolutely foolish to turn a job down at this present time.

Why did she need to threaten to 'just drop the kids off regardless' in the op.

That does not give me the impression that the OPs approach was a negotiation.

It sounds more like the OP told her the arrangement was going to change and she objected.

No, it doesn't. It sounds like how the OP wrote it - that he asked, she refused and threw a threat out.

He isn't your ex. Don't project.

@Coronabegone

*Justus77 *@Smallsteps88* - wow just wow.*

Great discussion.*

Pretty much sums up your attitude though! It is WOW, is anyone that hard to reason with!

That could apply equally to you then if we’re just applying it to people who don’t agree with us.

I mean you have literally jumped on every single poster that has had a different viewpoint to you on this thread. Like a dog with a bone. You can’t be reasoned with. Wow.

Why did she need to throw a threat out though?

We have no idea how the OP approached his ex but most of us go on our own experiences.

You have an arrangement in place. You don't get to change it. You work around it.

Custody arrangements change as the child gets older. For example a pre-schooler might have 2 weekday mornings with Daddy but once the child is old enough for full-time school then that time slot needs to change.

I would understand the ex's behaviour if you changed the pattern regularly or told her you couldn't have them rather than asked.

Seriously are people that stupid or spiteful they’d stop their ex working just because they want weekends child free? With all the possible financial implications?

Either you work round childcare to enable your ex to work and contribute, or go and get a job yourself.

I'd offer to have them the weekend as normal and find childcare. But also request an extra day when you aren't working, maybe when she is to make up the missed time.

Resident parents have to take work around children and childcare. Pandemic or not, NRPs should do the same really.

If I needed to get a job it would have to be weekends or evenings atm. Because of childcare.

Can you imagine if the child’s mum got a full time job and asked the ex to change his hours, and he said no because he goes cycling/pub/golf on wednesdays.

There’d be uproar on here. Including telling the mum to just drop the kids and let him deal with it.

The kids are 9 and 11 I'd say the agreement should change.
After all the kids are growing up and how much longer is it possible for her to work 2 days a week.

The DM needs to learn to compromise.

But also request an extra day when you aren't working, maybe when she is to make up the missed time.

I'm pretty sure OP did ask to have extra midweek days but the mum said no because it would affect her maintenance. I've lost track of all the posts a bit so I'm not 100% sure on this though.

You have an arrangement in place. You don't get to change it. You work around it.
What is your suggestion then?
OP has tried for 2 1/2 months and this is the only job offer he has.
The only work around is to accept that he can't work as he can't find a job that fits around this arrangement.
That would also mean he can't support his child or the Ex.
Is that OK???

Correct me if I'm wrong but the facts in this case are this:

1. OP has been made redundant in the midst of a global recession, where up to 12,000 people A DAY are losing their jobs.
2. It has taken him 2.5 months to find this job
3. He will be paying more maintenance and seeing the children for the same amount of time, albeit on different days
4. Mum doesn't work at the weekends so no 'formal' childcare is required due to the change and he can have them during the week, easing current 'formal' childcare requirements.

Seriously, people think this is unreasonable?? And I thought my DHs XW was hard work, she seems downright decent compared to some of the comments on this thread!

Imagine if the situation was reversed, and he said he turned down the job, couldn't find another one and couldn't pay maintenance because HE didn't want to change the access days. He would be absolutely slated. He can't win.

@Coronabegone

In what way is it reasonable to say to someone with whom you have an established pattern or way of working 'oh, I need to change the pattern to suit my needs' and then refuse to discuss or negoiate that at all? Why are the OP's needs more important than his ex's?

1. When you've lost your job, through no fault of their own.
2. When it's taken 2.5 months to get another
3. When we are in the middle of a pandemic
4. When the shift pattern has changed to the detriment of all parties
5. When the ex wife has been offered a solution, but doesn't want it because she'll lose her benefits and need to work longer hours
6. When it's important that the children have a relationship with their father

Those are a few reasons, it's not a usual situation, it's a shit one and therefore shit happens and both parties need to do what's available.

This!! With bells on.

You can almost taste the vemon being spat from the posters who have a bad relationships with their kids dads.

Its such a sad situation when you can't come to a arrangement of both parents working on different days without the mum 'needing a break' 'needing time to herself' yet also wants the mortgage paid and mantience in the bank every month so is reluctant to let dad take extra days when hes willing too. Does dad not deserve a break either?

People who can find an issue in the op trying to work, find childcare & still spend time with his kids are super unlucky and that's a sad case but being so bitter that you'll follow 15 pages of people saying 'you are wrong' constantly replying with the same few quotes they disagreed with and ignoring all other comments made is hidiously sad.

No maybe the mum doesnt want to take care of her kids on the weekend (fuck knows why, the weekends are the easiest and laziest!) But maybe dad doesnt want to work those days either.

I prefer working weekends roads are clear and zero traffic- works for me!

The man has offered 5050 care, declined
Hes offered extra days, refused
He's asked to change the days - nope

She wants her days, at her lesiure, with no compromises, no willingness to change to 5050 care because she cant afford too without the maintenance.

Yet hes in the wrong cos hes saying to her -

Im out of work but been offered this so can we add an extra day i can see the kids or can we change the weekends for 2 weekdays so i can still see the children ?

At 9 & 11 theyre close to not needing childcare anymore after school anyway. Suck it up. Shes also a parent who needs to give & take. It cant be all him.

This whole thing is bonkers but go ahead & pick on my comment anyway with your made up conversations they absolutely must of had (based of your own individual situation one time!)

OP

You are being perfect. Everything you are doing and suggesting is right.

I'm afraid that she is being horribly selfish and unreasonable.

I don't quite know how you work it out.

I'm very sorry she's being so unhelpful and no, she has zero right to be like that. It must just be her character and (entirely unfounded) sense of entitlement. (To a 'free' weekend? Free from what? Free of the kids? Free to go out on the razz? Wtf)

(Call me unfashionable but my idea of a free weekend is one spent WITH the kids just being together and having a nice time!) (I know I know I'm v boring ☺️)

I hope you work something out.

HMCTS. Download C100. Pay £215 and fill in the forms.

You will have to find a mediator. Cost is about £200 but needs to be split between you both. If she refuses you get mediator to sign the form and go straight to court.

If £215 is too much then apply for 'help with fees form'.. (you don't need to be on benefit) and may qualify for exemption from fees)

Don't need a lawyer . Self representation is the norm these days. Just tell the judge what you said here.

Get it done . Get it sorted and see your kids .

But what's he going to do once his job changes and his court ordered contact days are now inconvenient?

I wouldn’t be the obstacle to him taking work he could find just to be bloody minded

You are making assumptions about someone else’s reasoning and situation. There could be good reason. She is under no obligation to explain her reasoning to her ex. Global pandemic or not.

But what's he going to do once his job changes and his court ordered contact days are now inconvenient?

He is going to expect his ex to be flexible. Again.

You are making assumptions about someone else’s reasoning and situation. There could be good reason. She is under no obligation to explain her reasoning to her ex. Global pandemic or not.

Yeah I mean fucking hell the global pandemic has not changed a thing has it?

Isn't it so irritating when the father makes a little reason like a global pandemic as an excuse... it's like he's planned the whole thing!