Changing custody arrangement with ex-wife

[84dan]

Hoping to get some advise from anyone who shares custody.

Pre-lockdown I had my kids Friday-Monday every other weekend and every Tuesday overnight. I’ve now been made redundant due to Covid but luckily have been offered another job before my furlough ends BUT I now need to work every weekend (both days all day)

I’ve asked to speak to my ex about changing the arrangement so I can have the kids on my days off in the week (no court ordered arrangement, we’ve organised everything ourselves including maintenance, arrangement had changed slightly every time I’ve changed jobs but has always included at least a partial weekend). She is completely refusing to change the arrangement saying it’s her free weekend and she’s not willing to give it up.

I obviously don’t want to work weekends and will keep looking for other work, but right now I feel lucky to have anything and need to take whatever I can get. I also want to continue having quality time with my kids, so have asked to change the days to when I’m not working during the week. She works 2 days a week so will likely still get her “free time” just on different days.

I’m physically not around to have the kids now on the weekend (it’s not a WFH job) but she said she’s just going to drop the kids off regardless and that my girlfriend or parents can look after them. The visitation is for me to spend time with them - and if the arrangement doesn’t change I’ll hardly see them as my shifts don’t end til 7pm.

I’ve already explained I’ll raise the maintenance as I’m not able to have them on the weekends but she says it doesn’t matter as the arrangement isn’t changing.

AIBU here?

Your ex is being totally unreasonable.

Just because she enjoys her weekends off, if you have your kids every weekend you're working when are you meant to see them?!

You may need to take this to court I'm afraid.

Nice dig. You realise I have no alternative, right? I’m not just sitting around for shits and giggles.

@Smallsteps88

But you expect the country to support yet another person on benefits, who of course is not sitting doing for shifts and giggles either! It's not sustainable though, the ex has to accept that we're in the middle of a pandemic! Or if we all took her attitude we'd all be sitting round for shits and giggles!! So for the short term and to keep yet another person on benefits, she'll have to have her "me" time not at the weekend!

You may need to take this to court I'm afraid.

A judge would give EOW and a night during the week as standard, and view OP changing from EOW because he doesn't want weekends with his kids, pretty dimly, I suspect.

If the OP asks for 50:50 to enable him to have quality with his DC he will likely be awarded that...

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

Fuck the job off OP. Get on benefits, have the kids 50/50 and pay no maintenance wow. You do realise that a healthy adult with school age DCs can’t just claim benefits without actively searching for work 40 hours a week?

That’s what Smallsteps88 is doing and she seems perfectly fine with it.

If the OP asks for 50:50 to enable him to have quality with his DC he will likely be awarded that...

But you expect the country to support yet another person on benefits

no? Where did I say OP should go on benefits?

It’s not a case of OP not WANTING weekends with his kids, it’s the fact the only job he has been offered at the moment includes weekend working. Fucking hell what’s hard to understand about that? OP has had the children on the days his ex works whilst he has been on furlough and she can’t even return the favour even temporarily.

I'm on page 2.. @Smallsteps88 he's the nrp in this situation, as the RP you don't just get to dictate what days are suitable to you, when there's no contact order in place.

Why should the children be ferried around grandparents when they have two parents who appear quite capable of looking after them? The RP, who works only 2 days a week can surely rearrange her weekends to look after her own children.

If the OP asks for 50:50 to enable him to have quality with his DC he will likely be awarded that...

Absolutely. And then what happens with him working every weekend? His ex is still not his nanny.

@coasterboaster doesn't work like that in court. A judge, I'm sure, would not look kindly on a RP playing games with her children. Especially when a NRP is involved, paying maintenance and has the best interests of their child at the forefront.

Women don't rank higher than men in the court system. They have just as much rights to their children.

@Smallsteps88 by not accepting a weekend working job, because there are fucking 1000s of choices out there at the moment! The ex wife doesn't want 50/50 because she'll lose her benefits, she doesn't want him to take a weekend working job (nothing else about as OP as send) so he goes on benefits!

Jesus Christ who the hell is paying for all these people wanting unnecessary benefits! People like me!

Let to OP do weekend work, take 50:50 custody, two people off benefits.... brilliant!

That’s what Smallsteps88 is doing and she seems perfectly fine with it.

1. the obligation to look for work has been suspended temporarily during the pandemic as there was no childcare other than for the children of key workers. The government recognise that working without childcare is a tiny bit difficult.

2. if the children are under 12 the obligation is to look for 25 hours of work. Not 40.

3. I am not “perfectly fine” with it. I would go to work tomorrow if I had childcare. I could literally ring 3 clients right now and have a full day of work tomorrow.

Jesus Christ who the hell is paying for all these people wanting unnecessary benefits! People like me!

Exactly, easy to say when you can get something for nothing and have the option of claiming. Not everyone can.

A judge, I'm sure, would not look kindly on a RP playing games with her children.

Even better for OP, of the judge looked dimly on his ex, maybe he could get residence? And she could do eow and one night in the week?

he's the nrp in this situation, as the RP you don't just get to dictate what days are suitable to you, when there's no contact order in place.

Of course. And the same for the OP. He doesn’t just get to dictate what days are suitable for him.

She’s a dick. But everyone’s ex is a dick and if you don’t want bad feeling which will affect the kids you have to try to compromise. Do you have childcare for your weekend? If so, maybe something like Thur - Sat / Sun your weekend? Or more of the school hols?

Lots of people seen to missing the fact that OP has asked for 50:50 previously and been told no and has said that there would be no issue betting childcare for his working days if ge had enough time to see the kids too.

In a situation where the ex won’t give more days and won’t change the current ones so that OP can actually spend some time with the children what are they supposed to do?

A judge would give EOW and a night during the week as standard, and view OP changing from EOW because he doesn't want weekends with his kids, pretty dimly, I suspect

He’s not changing from EOW because he doesn’t want weekends with his kids, he’s asking to change so that he can work FFS! Any judge who looks dimly on that is a bit dim themselves.

easy to say when you can get something for nothing and have the option of claiming. Not everyone can.

The option was claim benefits or have very hungry, and then homeless children.

@coasterboaster his parents could help out with childcare that he needs (instead of helping his ex) and then shock horror he will have more evening and morning time with them plus 2 weekdays to spend all day with them whilst not at school.

@Smallsteps88 many of us have WFH with small children during this pandemic. Myself included. What’s stopping you? I haven’t given my job up to claim. I’ve been in the depths of despair. What’s your excuse seen as you come to us from such a moral high ground.

You sound very disempowered here. :(

Phrases like visitation, custody etc are not appropriate in your situation where you have both fairly decided between you what works for you, your ex and your children. Can you use words like 'when the children come to mine' or 'I have them Tuesdays, she has them the rest or the week and we do every other weekend between us'. Or something like that? Seeing yourself as one half of a co-parenting duo might help you to see that you have just as much right to change the arrangements as she (or the kids) has. So that's my first suggestion to you.

On the matter of weekends, this is something neither of you can spring on each other really. You've unilaterally decided to work when you're supposed to see your children and she's in turn unilaterally decided you can't see them on your days off midweek so it sounds like you're at an impasse.

Is there any compromise you can find between you? If not - I agree with PPs, the courts will need to decide this for you both. A shame if you can doing it between you but maybe necessary for you two?

Well done for finding work in lockdown! All the best to you all

The courts put the children first. Parents making applications to spend less time with their kids don't look good.

Offer to have the kids on the Saturday evening for tea and an overnight and drop off on Sunday before work. You could do this alternate weeks so the kids get more time with you and your ex gets her break?