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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So embarrassed by friends. AIBU to ask them to leave tomorrow morning?

411 replies

Rebecca980 · 01/07/2020 23:57

Our friends - a gay couple - who we have been close with for the last 15 years came over to stay. They have had one set of parents, a sister, her baby and their two dogs staying with them for two weeks whilst they wait to move into their new place. They needed a break so we said they could come and stay with us for a few days. They are in our ‘bubble’. We’ve both recently moved from London to the south coast close by - which was a decision we made together really.

DH and I have been friends with them for years. Before DD came along and we were married. We’ve had wild times - but we’ve all grown up....or so I thought.

They arrived with bottle of vodka in tow. It lasted them about an hour until they pulled out another and it went.

We have made friends with our neighbours since we Moved here and have made an active effort to try and integrate ourselves in our new area and street.

I am SO EMBARRASSED by their behaviour this evening. It’s like they regressed to us being 20 again.

By the time DD went to bed, they were screaming in the garden, swearing (C word at the end of almost every sentence), trying to talk to neighbours over the fences. They also love ‘shock values - which was funny when we were kids but really isn’t now and they reverted straight back to it.

I’m embarrassed our neighbours have heard them and worried how it reflects on us. I’m sure they could also hear us trying to sort them out.

I’m also annoyed at DH a little as I was trying to get them inside but was getting no support in that.

Some of the things they were shouting have left me unable to sleep and worried about how it reflects.

They have hearts of gold, and DD adores themes Bhave always been terrible drunks. I don’t actually like being drunk so maybe this has been exasperated because I wasn’t drinking....

I get they were excited as they had a much needed little break from a stressful time, but I really am thinking of asking them to go back tomorrow rather than staying any more days. AIBU? And how should I approach this with the neighbours? Just a quick sorry next time I see them?

They’ve also broken a few bits in the house by falling into them.

Both DH and I are pretty mortified. But also know they’ve been stressed and want to give them an opportunity to unwind.

OP posts:
Ishihtzuknot · 02/07/2020 17:01

I think you’re being harsh, they’re your friends and having fun, did you join in or just look down at them? It doesn’t sound like you like them very much to worry about neighbours judging you by their actions. If it worries you so much apologies to your neighbours tomorrow, and ask your friends to tone it down or they have to go home. They shouldn’t be staying with you anyway they aren’t part of your immediate family.

OlivetheTree · 02/07/2020 17:15

You sound like a supportive friend but I personally wouldn't be inviting my friends over for a drink in a hurry, if they had behaved thay way in front of my new neighbours with my toddler in the house. I also have friends who go back years, so understand the regressing part but less so the totally embarrassing you in your own home part!

EinsteinaGogo · 02/07/2020 17:23

What ' ribbing ' do they give you for being Jewish, OP?

You might want to think about whether that's
Ok.

Jux · 02/07/2020 18:06

Oh what a shame that they've left!

I was really hoping your friends would waken, feel awful, you and they get it all sorted out and you all have a really good few days together.

If you had been our NDNs I wouldn't have judged you at all - well, I'd've thought you've got some fun friends. I'd have assumed that they were just enjoying the freedom that comes with the easing of lockdown. If they did it every night I might have got a irritated.

peanutsandpinenuts · 02/07/2020 18:53

This is a tough one... they are good friends, there was probably a time when this behavior was the norm within your group but those times have changed and your friends haven't.

It's unrealistic to ask them to leave and remain friends. But if you are going to remain friends, then the friendship needs to evolve.

I would avoid drinking too much with them or creating situations where drinking feels like too big a focus. Make sure that if there is alcohol that its wine/beer rather than sprits also that there is plenty of starchy food - a heavy meal ideally!

And talk to them about it as well... perhaps say something like "It's great having you over and we had some fun last night. But you know this is a really quiet neighborhood I'm not sure how much the neighbors appreciate late-night loudness in the garden. I know if the shoe was on the other foot I probably wouldn't have liked it. Me and DH have had to shift a bit in how we do things since DD and we're just not big drinkers anymore. We love having you over but we probably need to make sure the next few nights are but more chilled and low key. Hope that's okay ."

At that point, you've set out your stall and if they value you they will get the hint that the days of multiple bottles of vodka a night are over. They can take it or leave it.

They sound like they are probably good, if slightly silly, people. You don't need to throw a good friendship away but it is important to set boundaries, especially in your own home.

Laundrywoman · 02/07/2020 19:10

@Newkitchen123

The fact that they spent time clearing up the kitchen means it was not an emergency
Not id they were waiting for their uber.
TimeWastingButFun · 02/07/2020 20:46

Unwind?? They're unravelling! I would definitely say something along the lines that you are not drinking for a couple of weeks or something and you'd rather they didn't have booze in the house. If they don't like it they can go home.

Thehogfatherstolemycurry · 02/07/2020 20:51

Cancel the bubble

DuineArBith · 02/07/2020 21:08

They tidied the kitchen but I am really pissed off with them they couldn’t stick around because they knew they were going to get a bollocking

I hope they got the bollocking anyway?

IAmMeThisIsI · 02/07/2020 21:16

Wait until tomorrow and then start saying things like "God, you last night. You were outside my NEW garden shouting this and that. I couldn't stop you! It was so embarrassing!". Say it in a way that makes it sound like you automatically think they agree. Not in a angry way. Then after they say sorry say "no more drinking for you in THIS house!".

strugglingwithdeciding · 02/07/2020 22:03

@Thisisworsethananticpated someone having their friends round isnt going to help the economy like shops opening and i dont know of anyone sleeping in primark

strugglingwithdeciding · 02/07/2020 22:44

@Thisisworsethananticpated someone having their friends round isnt going to help the economy like shops opening and i dont know of anyone sleeping in primark

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 02/07/2020 23:30

I'm sorry, what I mostly have here is hysterical laughter at the vision of this hungover pair tiptoeing around the kitchen tidying it and whispering "sssshh" at each other when one of them put down a fork too loudly.... "oh shit, we're in so much trouble...."

DamnYankee · 03/07/2020 00:36

Rebecca980 - Prayers and positive vibes!

HannaYeah · 03/07/2020 00:36

@mencken

only in the UK is swilling to oblivion seen as a jolly jape, rather than the filthy behaviour it is.

What planet are you living on? I want to move there.

Plenty of cultures in every hemisphere have glorified drinking for centuries.

Idontlikewednesdays · 03/07/2020 10:55

Why is it relevant that they are gay.

gandalf456 · 03/07/2020 11:04

It was down to their humour - they were joking about sex and their cirumcised penises

Idontbelieveit12 · 03/07/2020 11:09

Oh I’d be mortified. Vile.

Pogmella · 03/07/2020 11:28

Our new neighbours had a wild house warning a few years ago. Such a quiet couple but their friends were really loud until 4am and one threw up outside our front garden.

By 11am the next morning there was a cute little pot plant and apology card (euphemistically about the ‘noise and mess’) on our doorstep. I thought this was a really classy way of handling it and don’t blame them for having a few crazy friends

Curiositykilledthecat113 · 03/07/2020 11:49

OP the lockdown rules are really clear about bubbles and it’s totally relevant to this thread. You shouldn’t even be having people over in a global pandemic you selfish woman.

Messageinateacup · 03/07/2020 12:23

I've read all the OP's posts(thanks MNHQ) and the OP doesn't give a damn re her silly misunderstanding about the lockdown rules Hmm
It's just as well other people continue to abide by them to make sure the selfish friends and the equally selfish OP continue to get their jollies without too much risk.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 03/07/2020 16:57

Then given it’s so obvious the OP doesn’t care about breaking the rules, can people stop banging on about it? 13 pages in and still people are convinced that their post is going to be the one that makes her say ‘Lo! I have seeneth the light and wilt henceforth thrash myself with nettles for breaking the sacred commandments of lockdown!’

Curiositykilledthecat113 · 03/07/2020 17:27

@StillCoughingandLaughing let them be angry, people are dying because of the stupidity of people like her

cavalier · 03/07/2020 17:31

Read them the riot act and if no respect then ... “goodbye “

batfish · 03/07/2020 17:34

I don't think it is relevant that they are gay - unless that is somehow related to what they were shouting? But even then not particularly relevant.

I would not ask them to leave, I would probably ask them to knock on the neighbour's door and apologise for any offence that they have caused and I would also speak to the neighbour afterwards and apologise as well. But I wouldn't ask good friends to leave, I'm sure most of us have behaved in a certain way when drunk that we have been absolutely mortified by in the morning, it is certainly not something that I would be letting damage a friendship.