Invited friend over for lunch and it all went downhill. Was IBU?

[Dogsaremyfavorite]

My friend arrived back in the country and I asked for her earliest availability that I could see her after she got her negative covid results. She said today at 12. I said I’d make us lunch and was genuinely excited to see her after almost 6 months. She asked if she can contribute to the meal and I declined, because it’s just lunch and I hate how much food goes to waste when there’s too much food. Any way I timed lunch to be cooked for when she arrives so I don’t have to spend time in the kitchen and prepped snacks, sangria, set the table and lunch was almost ready, I thought last 10 min of cooking I’ll do when she’s due or arrived at the house.

20 minutes after friend is due to arrive she messages to say she’s 10 min away. So I finish lunch. An hour later she arrives at my home with 4 packets of groceries and by this stage I am so annoyed because everything is now cold, looks over cooked and it’s just bleh. As she arrives, she saw my new dog and freaks out because although she has a dog she’s not keen on them. I never really knew this as I’ve always had small to medium sized dogs. And insists I lick him away. Which at that point I can’t lock him away because when I’ve tried to do that in that excited state he has snapped and I don’t want the situation to escalate with my dog or friend and I know if she just stops panicking she’ll see he’s fine and glued to my husband anyway.

Well she refused to enter my home. Walks round to the back door then when I opened up to let her in, we had an exchange of words about the overcooked food/late arrival/and arriving with too much groceries... mainly because I couldn’t even pretend to not be angry that she arrived so late but she’s also angry because of my dog.

So she said to me maybe she should just leave.... so I snapped back well then maybe you should. So she walks out, lunch uneaten and within the afternoon she’s already removed me from fb and ig.

I love this friend dearly and I was genuinely excited to see her. I feel a lack of respect and consideration when people are late with no valid reason or apology.

But I am not sure if I was unjustified in my snap back at her... AIBU?

My husband suggests I call her to make amends and all I think is call her and say what? Sorry you were late and I got annoyed? Sorry you said you were 10 min away when you were an hour away? Sorry you wanted me to lick my dog up and I was trying to calm the situation for everyone? Sorry I made you lunch so that when you arrived I wouldn’t need to be in the kitchen?

The only thing I can say is my face doesn’t lie how I’m feeling. I wish it did. But I don’t have a poker face and when she said maybe she should leave I was possibly wrong to say maybe she should, when actually an apology for her being late would have been enough to just say oooh ok.... let’s enjoy the afternoon regardless.

Um... I think you were both pretty awful actually.....

Ok keen to know why?

This person sounds unhinged. Good riddance to her. As for apologising, what on earth for? She is the one completely in the wrong.

Because when she came in through the back door you should have just welcomed her, offered her lunch, heated it up and had a nice chat.

I think you should have locked the dog away (or DH taken for a walk) and not timed lunch for the exact time she arrived (let your guest settle in first). Obviously she shouldn’t have been late, but she did nothing wrong by bringing groceries.

I'm not really sure on the dog stuff - we always used to shut our Scottish terriers away as they are arseholes, and no, they don't like it but sometimes you just grit your teeth, herd them somewhere and shut the door.

However, arriving 90 minutes late is spectacularly rude, and I would have been unable to hide my annoyance too. What were the groceries?

that sounds rubbish, she should apologise for being so late, that was extremely rude and would annoy me too.
The dog, I'd probably have tried to calm it down/remove from room quickly, but she us still in the wrong

Sorry you wanted me to lick my dog up

Can see why you were annoyed about this, bit forward

In all seriousness OP, this sounds like a friendship which has run its course. She was undoubtedly rude. Was she always like this? If so, it shows your feelings have changed towards her and you’re not willing to tolerate behaviour you were once ok with. If this was a one off, then you don’t like her enough to let one instance of inconsiderate behaviour slide for the sake of an old friendship. Either way, not all friendships manage to last, and it seems from the way both of you reacted that neither of you think this one is worth saving.

It's really rude to be so late and even worse about saying she's ten mins away when she was an hour away. Who does that?! Very rude
Also weird about the dog especially if she has a dog.

Sack her off. She's a twat!
Lunch sounded great! Poor you :(

If someone is scared of the dog, they are scared. She can’t pretend not to be. Doesn’t matter if he’s glued to your husband. That’s how fear works. And yes she was wrong to be late but she panicked when she saw your dog and didn’t have time or the headspace to apologise.
And who micromanages lunch timings like this? Just be hospitable when she comes and don’t invite her the next time, would have been my modus operandi. Not berating my guest as she walks in, while she’s already petrified of my dog.

Because you don't seem to have behaved like a good host, and she was a terrible guest.

@ChaBishkoot

Because when she came in through the back door you should have just welcomed her, offered her lunch, heated it up and had a nice chat.

Yeah I realize that and probably would have done that had it not been for her anger at my dog.

You sound well rid of her. She was spectacularly rude by being so late.

If someone is scared of the dog, they are scared. She can’t pretend not to be.

The friend has a dog of her own.

The dog thing was probably not unreasonable though I get your confusion- but tbh she already soured the vibe with the lie/ lateness. Was there a reason she was so late ?

She was a dick to be late, especially to lie about how long away she was. But you should have put your dog away. The fact you said it snaps at you when its excited and you try to discipline it makes me think it really wasn't ok and she probably just doesn't like badly behaved dogs.

Best not to make things for people arriving or make something that can be made in advance. But I understand you were excited, wanted to make it perfect.

Not worth losing a friendship over but I'd let her cool down before bringing it up

When she came in the back door, my husband took the dog for a walk. So the dog wasn’t in the room anymore.

From what you've said she is far more in the wrong, although you come across as an (understandably) ungracious host. What would her take on it be? There are two sides to a story and all that. Was it clear lunch was a set time etc? The stroppy fb removing is very dramatic and childish. That said, has anything else been going on in her life? People can behave very badly when they are in a very bad place - is this a possibility?

It all boils down to whether you are happy to never be friends with this woman again. If you are, then leave it be. If that would be a loss to you, then make the first step with a genuine apology and see what happens. You can still cut contact after apologising if you change your mind or she refuses to shoulder any blame for what happened.

Unless she is in your bubble she shouldn’t have been in your house anyway. The rules don’t change until Saturday.

She was very rude to be late. But you could have been more welcoming. I dont see the issue over putting the dog in another room/ garden and it was I'll advised to be so advanced on the cooking if it could spoil.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

The dog thing was probably not unreasonable though I get your confusion- but tbh she already soured the vibe with the lie/ lateness. Was there a reason she was so late ?

She was late from getting the groceries. When she aid she was 10 minutes away, she then drove halfway round town to get a particular drink and that’s why she arrived an hour after that.

If you really want to save the relationship (I'd wouldn't, she's already decided to be childish and remove you from social media) I'd make contact, explain why you were upset such as the lying and not respecting your wishes regarding food but that you don't want this to ruin the friendship. I'd probably not mention the dog - I had a dog that wasn't fond on many people (was still well behaved but was clearly uncomfortable) who was always put out of the way prior to guests arriving for her own peace of mind and ours. If she brings up the dog try to come to some arrangement such as it can be let in after eating or when you're sat relaxing so they don't get the chance to be excited. Or arrange to meet out of the house and not bring to dog.
If she responds to your message have a heart to heart, really explain was exactly about her actions made you upset but be prepared there may be things about you she wants to respond with. She might've brought the extra food planning to leftovers home or to leave some extra nice bits with you.

So you have always had a dog, but she didn't realise that you have your current dog?

How has she responded to your previous dogs? If she was equally uneasy then, you probably should have put him somewhere else for a while.

If she was ok with previous dogs then I can't see how you would have predicted her reaction.

@Yesmate

Unless she is in your bubble she shouldn’t have been in your house anyway. The rules don’t change until Saturday.

I’m not in the UK.

I completely get you about the lateness. Completely unacceptable in my book and so so annoying and disrespectful (when it's that late and she lies too)
Not sure about the dog really it seems a bit confusing. On the one hand I would put my dog away if someone wasn't keen but this person has a dog you say? So I find this very confusing
Perhaps say to her I don't want to fall out I just find the extreme lateness very disrespectful and it's saying your time is more important than mine especially when you said you were 10 minutes away. Cos let's face it none of this would have happened if she wasn't late would it