Invited friend over for lunch and it all went downhill. Was IBU?

[Dogsaremyfavorite]

My friend arrived back in the country and I asked for her earliest availability that I could see her after she got her negative covid results. She said today at 12. I said I’d make us lunch and was genuinely excited to see her after almost 6 months. She asked if she can contribute to the meal and I declined, because it’s just lunch and I hate how much food goes to waste when there’s too much food. Any way I timed lunch to be cooked for when she arrives so I don’t have to spend time in the kitchen and prepped snacks, sangria, set the table and lunch was almost ready, I thought last 10 min of cooking I’ll do when she’s due or arrived at the house.

20 minutes after friend is due to arrive she messages to say she’s 10 min away. So I finish lunch. An hour later she arrives at my home with 4 packets of groceries and by this stage I am so annoyed because everything is now cold, looks over cooked and it’s just bleh. As she arrives, she saw my new dog and freaks out because although she has a dog she’s not keen on them. I never really knew this as I’ve always had small to medium sized dogs. And insists I lick him away. Which at that point I can’t lock him away because when I’ve tried to do that in that excited state he has snapped and I don’t want the situation to escalate with my dog or friend and I know if she just stops panicking she’ll see he’s fine and glued to my husband anyway.

Well she refused to enter my home. Walks round to the back door then when I opened up to let her in, we had an exchange of words about the overcooked food/late arrival/and arriving with too much groceries... mainly because I couldn’t even pretend to not be angry that she arrived so late but she’s also angry because of my dog.

So she said to me maybe she should just leave.... so I snapped back well then maybe you should. So she walks out, lunch uneaten and within the afternoon she’s already removed me from fb and ig.

I love this friend dearly and I was genuinely excited to see her. I feel a lack of respect and consideration when people are late with no valid reason or apology.

But I am not sure if I was unjustified in my snap back at her... AIBU?

My husband suggests I call her to make amends and all I think is call her and say what? Sorry you were late and I got annoyed? Sorry you said you were 10 min away when you were an hour away? Sorry you wanted me to lick my dog up and I was trying to calm the situation for everyone? Sorry I made you lunch so that when you arrived I wouldn’t need to be in the kitchen?

The only thing I can say is my face doesn’t lie how I’m feeling. I wish it did. But I don’t have a poker face and when she said maybe she should leave I was possibly wrong to say maybe she should, when actually an apology for her being late would have been enough to just say oooh ok.... let’s enjoy the afternoon regardless.

how has the OP done anything wrong? The OPs couldn’t grab/control her own dog because that makes her ‘snap’ That’s not normal and if it’s a known behaviour the dog need to be put away before it gets to that stage.
I love dogs but I wouldn’t want to be the room with one that ‘snaps’, no matter how cute it is in photos...

If a dog snaps. it should always be locked away before people arrive h th o the house. The OP herself snapped at her guest for being late. How is that seen as doing nothing wrong. If I was the OP’s friend, I would never speak to the OP again.

I think both of you overreacted.

And I wouldn't plan a meal for when someone walks through the door.

I can see it from both sides. I don't like dogs but if I'm warned there is a dog in the house I'll follow the host's lead on how to behave.

I'm late for every social function so the lateness doesn't bother me. Food can be heated and I don't expect to be fed upon arrival. And even if I'm not not to bring anything I'll always stop off to bring something. Flowers, wine etc so I'm usually late for that reason plus I can't be bothered to get my arse in gear.

Seems like you both behaved badly. Just ring and and clear the air. You also need to be a more relaxed host. I'm not sure I'd want to hang out with you if you fly off the handle over a small thing like being late

So she arrives an hour late (strike one) -always rude, especially when you know someone is cooking.
With unwanted groceries (strike two) -rather rude when someone is providing food
And then complains about a dog that isn't actually present! (strike three)

Your argument was unfortunate, but perhaps not surprising, under the above circumstances. This would push most people over the edge.

And now she's blanked you on social media!

I would guess she had a very bad day and took it out on you. If she really is a good friend, she will eventually realise that she was out of order and come round. If not, then she isn't someone you need as a friend.

If I were you, I wouldn't have got annoyed that she got groceries with her, I would take that as a kind gesture even though j had asked her not to. I would never be rude to anyone i invited to my house, even if they are late, I would welcome them in with a smile on my face, I would just laugh about the food going cold or not tasting as great now due to it being cooked earlier. You said you were looking forward to this friend coming so I don't see why it suddenly angered you that's she was late, she probably was 10 mins away like she said but stopped at the supermarket to get the groceries. Not everyone has good time management. I would hate myself if I turned away friend from my home. That's not being a good host, you invited her, you should've been a bit more forgiving. Maybe the trauma with the dog led her to forgetting to explain why she is late and then your anger towards her made her not want to apologise or explain about the late arrival.

@lboogy

I can see it from both sides. I don't like dogs but if I'm warned there is a dog in the house I'll follow the host's lead on how to behave.

I'm late for every social function so the lateness doesn't bother me. Food can be heated and I don't expect to be fed upon arrival. And even if I'm not not to bring anything I'll always stop off to bring something. Flowers, wine etc so I'm usually late for that reason plus I can't be bothered to get my arse in gear.

Seems like you both behaved badly. Just ring and and clear the air. You also need to be a more relaxed host. I'm not sure I'd want to hang out with you if you fly off the handle over a small thing like being late

I’m always so intrigued by people who are constantly late.

Does it not bother you that you are Inconveniencing other people by making them wait for you?

Or do you enjoy it/feel important because you are controlling their time?

Seriously asking. I had a friend that would tell me he was ready then when I arrived to pick him up I’d wait 20-30 minutes in the car outside. He never explained or apologized. It blew my mind because I’m always at the door, coat on, keys in hand so I can be ready when someone is picking me up.

I told him one day I had decided he had IBS and must be on the toilet unexpectedly all the time, since I couldn’t think of any other reason I’d keep someone waiting like that.

I tjonl you sound very highly strung tbh.

I would never have a meal ready exactly for when some one arrived. I would at least give them time to get settled have a drink and have a chat.

I have dogs but am very nervous around other peoples dogs especially ones bigger than my own.

You sound like you were very pissed off when she arrived and she reacted like for like.

Yanbu

You did nothing wrong.

You were put in this situation by her being late, stroppy about a dog then by her deleting you from fb & IG.

She sounds completely unhinged, if anyone has to apologise, it should be her.

Huh? You said your dog snapped when 'we tried cornering it' then later on said 'I didn't corner it, it was my cleaner'. Or something along those lines.
I'd hate to argue with you, you'd have me in knots. Wonder if you and your friend are still arguing over this in real life?

@hanna it's probably cultural. I find English and Western Europeans take time far more seriously.
I don't see it as making someone wait for me. If it's someone's home, why can't they carry on doing whatever they would have been doing if I hadn't been invited?

For things like theatre , restaurants etc I will be on time but only just.

If it's someone's home, why can't they carry on doing whatever they would have been doing if I hadn't been invited?

I mean... can you genuinely not think of any reason why not? 🤣

@Monkeynuts18 no I can't. If it was me I'd be watching Netflix or cleaning or surfing the net. Unless you're talking about going out? Then in which case why invite someone over if you know you have to go out?

@iboogy

Because you’re basically preventing anyone from starting something that can’t be abandoned immediately when you ring the doorbell. Some people do things other than cleaning, watching TV and surfing the internet.

Just for example - they can’t have sex, have a bath or shower, do DIY, do exercise, start any larger cleaning or tidying tasks, do gardening, cook, bake or work (if they can work remotely).

If they have children, they can’t start their children’s homework with them or start any larger activities with them like crafts or painting, because you might show up. If they have small children, they may genuinely have timed their entire day (naps etc) around the time of your visit.

Someone agreeing to meet you at their home doesn’t mean they would otherwise have stayed in all day. They might have decided not to go out because you said you’d come over. It prevents them for organising their day. They can’t nip out to the shops for food in case you come over.

That’s why.

It's a bizarre way to treat each other after a fairly lengthy separation.
Were there genuinely no other issues in the relationship prior to this?

Yanbu .She obviously reacts in a childish manner by immediately deleting you on fb and ig.
Draw a line under this and get what you can from your lunch and enjoy it with st and dogs and a cold drink.