Invited friend over for lunch and it all went downhill. Was IBU?

[Dogsaremyfavorite]

My friend arrived back in the country and I asked for her earliest availability that I could see her after she got her negative covid results. She said today at 12. I said I’d make us lunch and was genuinely excited to see her after almost 6 months. She asked if she can contribute to the meal and I declined, because it’s just lunch and I hate how much food goes to waste when there’s too much food. Any way I timed lunch to be cooked for when she arrives so I don’t have to spend time in the kitchen and prepped snacks, sangria, set the table and lunch was almost ready, I thought last 10 min of cooking I’ll do when she’s due or arrived at the house.

20 minutes after friend is due to arrive she messages to say she’s 10 min away. So I finish lunch. An hour later she arrives at my home with 4 packets of groceries and by this stage I am so annoyed because everything is now cold, looks over cooked and it’s just bleh. As she arrives, she saw my new dog and freaks out because although she has a dog she’s not keen on them. I never really knew this as I’ve always had small to medium sized dogs. And insists I lick him away. Which at that point I can’t lock him away because when I’ve tried to do that in that excited state he has snapped and I don’t want the situation to escalate with my dog or friend and I know if she just stops panicking she’ll see he’s fine and glued to my husband anyway.

Well she refused to enter my home. Walks round to the back door then when I opened up to let her in, we had an exchange of words about the overcooked food/late arrival/and arriving with too much groceries... mainly because I couldn’t even pretend to not be angry that she arrived so late but she’s also angry because of my dog.

So she said to me maybe she should just leave.... so I snapped back well then maybe you should. So she walks out, lunch uneaten and within the afternoon she’s already removed me from fb and ig.

I love this friend dearly and I was genuinely excited to see her. I feel a lack of respect and consideration when people are late with no valid reason or apology.

But I am not sure if I was unjustified in my snap back at her... AIBU?

My husband suggests I call her to make amends and all I think is call her and say what? Sorry you were late and I got annoyed? Sorry you said you were 10 min away when you were an hour away? Sorry you wanted me to lick my dog up and I was trying to calm the situation for everyone? Sorry I made you lunch so that when you arrived I wouldn’t need to be in the kitchen?

The only thing I can say is my face doesn’t lie how I’m feeling. I wish it did. But I don’t have a poker face and when she said maybe she should leave I was possibly wrong to say maybe she should, when actually an apology for her being late would have been enough to just say oooh ok.... let’s enjoy the afternoon regardless.

Totally agree @browneyes77

Wish ppl would RTWT before making comments that are basically wrong

I just wished you’d licked the dog! 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

I understand your decision Op. I feel bad when I am 10 mins late for lunch. When people are preparing food for you it is ridiculously rude to be so late. I am very nervous around dogs I don’t know, so can understand her on that. Although given she has a dog of her own this does seem odd.

I think on the face of it it does sound like you over reacted slightly. Given your updates though it definitely sounds like she wants everything her way. It almost sounds like she purposely messed up your lunch as she didn’t want you to challenge her roll as a great hostess.

I had a friend like this. Everything was on her terms. She was always a very jealous person. She couldn’t cope that I had lost a lot of weight (it didn’t matter that it was due to an eating disorder and I was going through a very tough time). It culminated in her doing something quite nasty. I was very upset and angry and maybe over reacted. I found I was the one to be apologising trying to sort out the friendship. She wouldn’t have it though. I now realise she purposely destroyed the friendship. She had previously made a comment on a person on the tv (who was very slim) that she couldn’t be friends with someone who looked like that. I thought at the time how shallow.

Over a year later she made some attempt to get back in contact. I know the only reason was that she had suddenly found herself very alone. There was no apology. Just something about a silly argument. Which presumably was my fault. I ignored her. Far too little, far too late.

It’s fine to shit a dog away but to make demands when you’re turning up really late is bound to get you less sympathy- I imagine if she was on time you would have been more accommodating. She’s in the wrong.

Obvs I meant shut away and not shit away ha ha ha

When my friends turn up incredibly late, at that point I am so annoyed that I would no longer enjoy their company. So far I haven't sent anyone home again but I wish I had! Obviously if there is a good reason that's different.

I do have a couple of people in my life who are consistently super late. I see a lot less of them than I would if they were more punctual. One is my SIL who I never ever arrange to see in any situation where it makes any difference if she turns up or not ie only at large gatherings organised by other people. She is usually great company once she arrives.

I do however think it is appropriate to keep your dog out of the way if it is making your visitors uncomfortable or nervous.

It’s polite to bring something. I think it’s OTT to bring bags and bags of stuff!

Ultimately that’s what it came to. I was beyond the point of being to enjoy a catch up with her after everything had happened. She clearly was too as she suggested she leave.

@RoseLillian

I understand your decision Op. I feel bad when I am 10 mins late for lunch. When people are preparing food for you it is ridiculously rude to be so late. I am very nervous around dogs I don’t know, so can understand her on that. Although given she has a dog of her own this does seem odd.

I think on the face of it it does sound like you over reacted slightly. Given your updates though it definitely sounds like she wants everything her way. It almost sounds like she purposely messed up your lunch as she didn’t want you to challenge her roll as a great hostess.

I had a friend like this. Everything was on her terms. She was always a very jealous person. She couldn’t cope that I had lost a lot of weight (it didn’t matter that it was due to an eating disorder and I was going through a very tough time). It culminated in her doing something quite nasty. I was very upset and angry and maybe over reacted. I found I was the one to be apologising trying to sort out the friendship. She wouldn’t have it though. I now realise she purposely destroyed the friendship. She had previously made a comment on a person on the tv (who was very slim) that she couldn’t be friends with someone who looked like that. I thought at the time how shallow.

Over a year later she made some attempt to get back in contact. I know the only reason was that she had suddenly found herself very alone. There was no apology. Just something about a silly argument. Which presumably was my fault. I ignored her. Far too little, far too late.

Sounds like you are better off without this friend and I’m thinking back on a number of instances and thinking I am too.

I think her lateness and not keeping you informed about her actual planned arrival time was very rude on her part. On yours, I do get that you know your dog and think it wouldn't have helped to shit him away, and that she has a dog herself, but it would have been better to give her the space from the dog she requested. I am quite scared of dogs, I can handle my youngest's cm's tiny little dogs ok but I cannot deal with big dogs and wouldn't be able to go into a house where there was a bigger one with free run; I have had no choice but to do so for work purposes in the past and it's hard to communicate to someone who doesn't share the anxiety just how nervous and afraid that made me.

On balance, probably both of you could have done better, but she was massively rude to mess you about so much. It would be a shame for a friendship of long standing to end over this so I do hope she makes contact and you are able to agree to move past it :)

*shut him away. Not shit!

I would say it's 50/50 but I do agree that lateness is the absolute height of rudeness and would have got my back up straight away.

I would still call her if you value her friendship.... never text. It's cowardly and is prone to further misunderstandings.

Being over an hour late and deliberately lying is extremely rude.
I had a friend who was always late and although it seems like a small thing it actually wears you down.
It’s basically them saying ‘My time is more important than yours, I don’t value your time’
Once I’d realised that and cooled the friendship, I was much happier!

All this fuss because of my beautiful dog.

I’ve decided I wasn’t unreasonable. I could have done a few things differently but it wouldn’t have changed her behavior. Even when my dog was away and with my husband she was still performing.

If the dog snaps when it gets excited she was probably right to want to avoid it. You need to sort that out because your next visitor could be a child. I too would have been very irritated by someone turning up so late, except she seems to have been trying to bring you something you would like. At least I assume the drink/groceries were a contribution to the meal? Sounds like a misunderstanding and the sooner you speak to her the better if you want to remain friends.

Your dog is super cute!

She was obviously mad because your dog is cuter than hers.

I would have locked the dog away, particularly as you say it does snap? I think you were more awful than your friend tbh. Maybe she was in traffic? She tried to do a nice thing bringing food.

@Celestine70

I would have locked the dog away, particularly as you say it does snap? I think you were more awful than your friend tbh. Maybe she was in traffic? She tried to do a nice thing bringing food.

Read the thread or at least my responses. I’m not awful!

It goes without saying that if a guest in your home is uncomfortable with dogs, you lock the animal away immediately. That is what any responsible animal owner would do.

Read the whole flipping thread!

So many misguided and therefore pointless posts on here.

although she has a dog she’s not keen on them.
weirdo

Birdling how has the OP done anything wrong?

OP your dog is gorgeous. The woman sounds absolutely deranged. I'd consider that very much the end of the friendship, such a weirdo! Rude to boot. Good riddance.