Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invited friend over for lunch and it all went downhill. Was IBU?

316 replies

Dogsaremyfavorite · 29/06/2020 18:39

My friend arrived back in the country and I asked for her earliest availability that I could see her after she got her negative covid results. She said today at 12. I said I’d make us lunch and was genuinely excited to see her after almost 6 months. She asked if she can contribute to the meal and I declined, because it’s just lunch and I hate how much food goes to waste when there’s too much food. Any way I timed lunch to be cooked for when she arrives so I don’t have to spend time in the kitchen and prepped snacks, sangria, set the table and lunch was almost ready, I thought last 10 min of cooking I’ll do when she’s due or arrived at the house.

20 minutes after friend is due to arrive she messages to say she’s 10 min away. So I finish lunch. An hour later she arrives at my home with 4 packets of groceries and by this stage I am so annoyed because everything is now cold, looks over cooked and it’s just bleh. As she arrives, she saw my new dog and freaks out because although she has a dog she’s not keen on them. I never really knew this as I’ve always had small to medium sized dogs. And insists I lick him away. Which at that point I can’t lock him away because when I’ve tried to do that in that excited state he has snapped and I don’t want the situation to escalate with my dog or friend and I know if she just stops panicking she’ll see he’s fine and glued to my husband anyway.

Well she refused to enter my home. Walks round to the back door then when I opened up to let her in, we had an exchange of words about the overcooked food/late arrival/and arriving with too much groceries... mainly because I couldn’t even pretend to not be angry that she arrived so late but she’s also angry because of my dog.

So she said to me maybe she should just leave.... so I snapped back well then maybe you should. So she walks out, lunch uneaten and within the afternoon she’s already removed me from fb and ig.

I love this friend dearly and I was genuinely excited to see her. I feel a lack of respect and consideration when people are late with no valid reason or apology.

But I am not sure if I was unjustified in my snap back at her... AIBU?

My husband suggests I call her to make amends and all I think is call her and say what? Sorry you were late and I got annoyed? Sorry you said you were 10 min away when you were an hour away? Sorry you wanted me to lick my dog up and I was trying to calm the situation for everyone? Sorry I made you lunch so that when you arrived I wouldn’t need to be in the kitchen?

The only thing I can say is my face doesn’t lie how I’m feeling. I wish it did. But I don’t have a poker face and when she said maybe she should leave I was possibly wrong to say maybe she should, when actually an apology for her being late would have been enough to just say oooh ok.... let’s enjoy the afternoon regardless.

OP posts:
SoddingWeddings · 29/06/2020 18:57

She has a dog, so what was her problem with your dog?

Yesmate · 29/06/2020 18:57

Ah. Didn’t realise not in the UK.

The whole thing sounds a bit odd but also maybe a bit of a misunderstanding over cooking etc. If she knew what time hit good would be ready for and still showed up that late that’s incredibly rude, if not maybe could be forgiven?

Itsjustabitofbanter · 29/06/2020 18:57

You were both ridiculous. I’ve never invited guests for a meal and had it ready for on the dot of the time I gave them. I prepare whatever needs preparing and finish it off when they arrive (they usually help or sit in the kitchen rather than sit in another room and wait because we’re not formal). And I know you said not to bring food, but she was only trying to be nice. And I know people get funny about putting their dog away for guests, but she was scared, it would have been the nice thing to do. The fact that you didn’t want to try and remove the dog because it bites is even more reason to keep it away from frightened guests.

isadoradancing123 · 29/06/2020 18:58

Do not apologise, you have nothing to apologise for

ToBBQorNotToBBQ · 29/06/2020 18:58

YANBU your friends rude.

Itsjustabitofbanter · 29/06/2020 18:59

@SoddingWeddings it doesn’t always work like that. I’ve got a daughter that loves her own dog, but is petrified of other people’s that she can’t trust. The op has said herself it’s already bitten

lunar1 · 29/06/2020 19:00

Why did you need to shut the dog away for f your husband took it for a walk after she arrived? Didn't that solve the problem?

Original poster
Dogsaremyfavorite · 29/06/2020 19:01

@Itsjustabitofbanter

You were both ridiculous. I’ve never invited guests for a meal and had it ready for on the dot of the time I gave them. I prepare whatever needs preparing and finish it off when they arrive (they usually help or sit in the kitchen rather than sit in another room and wait because we’re not formal). And I know you said not to bring food, but she was only trying to be nice. And I know people get funny about putting their dog away for guests, but she was scared, it would have been the nice thing to do. The fact that you didn’t want to try and remove the dog because it bites is even more reason to keep it away from frightened guests.
When she walked around the back my DH took the dog for a walk.
OP posts:
romdowa · 29/06/2020 19:02

She sounds ridiculous and if were me I'd be glad to be rid of her. Cant stand lateness and you dont come into someone elses home and start insisting they do anything. She sounds like incredibly hard work.

Iggi999 · 29/06/2020 19:03

Would take more than that for me to lose a friendship.
I would message her and say - "well that was a bit of a balls up! I was so excited to see you again and just wanted it all to be perfect. Hope you're ok"
You sound quite bossy demanding that she come and see you at earliest possible time (and before you're supposed to) maybe she wanted to do shopping for herself?

Original poster
Dogsaremyfavorite · 29/06/2020 19:04

@lunar1

Why did you need to shut the dog away for f your husband took it for a walk after she arrived? Didn't that solve the problem?
When she walked in the back door she was going on about my dog and how much she hates dogs and I know that (which I didn’t, because she has one). But she was going on about him and I was trying to just say ok calm down now cos he’s not around... but then she asked about the lunch and I said it was spoiled because of her delay arriving....
OP posts:
BuzzingtheBee · 29/06/2020 19:06

What big fuss about very little

Regularsizedrudy · 29/06/2020 19:07

Why did she bring groceries??

Original poster
Dogsaremyfavorite · 29/06/2020 19:07

@Iggi999

Would take more than that for me to lose a friendship. I would message her and say - "well that was a bit of a balls up! I was so excited to see you again and just wanted it all to be perfect. Hope you're ok" You sound quite bossy demanding that she come and see you at earliest possible time (and before you're supposed to) maybe she wanted to do shopping for herself?
I like your idea re. message...

I’m not bossy but we have been messaging this entire time she couldn’t return home and she was saying she has so much to tell me. So I said well tell me when’s the earliest you are able to see me, and let’s get it in the diary...

OP posts:
IHaveBrilloHair · 29/06/2020 19:08

You both sound quite insane and overwrought.

Schoolchoicesucks · 29/06/2020 19:08

You were both a bit U I think.

She was very late, but you were wrong to tell her off about it. Sounds like you were over anxious about having food ready for the exact moment she arrived, which is a bit overwhelming. Usually friends who haven't seen each other for a while like to catch up a bit first. Even if the dinner was past it's best, it doesn't sound as though it would have been inedible. Good friends can usually laugh off irritations like that.

If she asked you to lock the dog away, you should have done so and then introduced them when both she and the dog were calmer. Did she know your DH was taking the dog out when she came to the back?

Nosuchluck · 29/06/2020 19:11

I think it's both of your faults it went wrong.
I would message and say that was a bit of a disaster and you don't want to lose your friendship with her.

Iggi999 · 29/06/2020 19:11

Well it sounds then like this is someone you care for and would like to still be friends with? If I'd an argument like that with dh I wouldn't divorce him! I think getting in touch (if you want to see her again) leaves a door open for her to reach out to you. If she doesn't, what have you lost?

CreditCrackers · 29/06/2020 19:11

You're both being massively unreasonable.
People who are late are arseholes. I cannot standing them. They are stealing your time, if your friend stole money from you then no one would think it's acceptable - your time is more precious than money. People who are consistently and knowingly late are disgusting, selfish people.
Equally, your dog is clearly aggressive if it snaps at you when you try to shut them away. It's completely reasonable to not want to be around an aggressive dog.

WinterAndRoughWeather · 29/06/2020 19:11

Unless you made a soufflé how could lunch have been spoiled to that extent?

healththrowawayx · 29/06/2020 19:11

You were definitely rude to her too.

If I had such negative energy towards me, I would just leave too. Better than than an awkward or petty shot-slinging afternoon

Original poster
Dogsaremyfavorite · 29/06/2020 19:12

@Regularsizedrudy

Why did she bring groceries??
Because she didn’t want to come empty handed.

I don’t know what was in the bags, we didn’t get far enough to unpack them. I just asked her why she brought so much when I had told her I had everything sorted.... 🙄 I know this is first world problems having a friend arrive with a load of stuff but she is like me with not wanting people to contribute to meals and doesn’t allow or ask me to in the past. She’s also the same with prepping food. So I did say to her, you know how you feel when people are so late and you’ve got food ready.

OP posts:
BendyLikeBeckham · 29/06/2020 19:14

this all sounds like a petty disagreement that escalated. I think you should be the bigger person, apologise for your part in it and she will very probably apologise back for hers and you can move forward. If she doesn't then then friendship has probably ended, but at least you know you tried.

forgetthehousework · 29/06/2020 19:14

You both lack manners.

WombOfOnesOwn · 29/06/2020 19:16

What kind of dog is it, OP ... and what do you mean that it would "snap" if you shut it away? Hearing from someone that they couldn't lock a dog away without worrying it would "snap" would cement my fear reaction to that dog.