Invited friend over for lunch and it all went downhill. Was IBU?

[Dogsaremyfavorite]

My friend arrived back in the country and I asked for her earliest availability that I could see her after she got her negative covid results. She said today at 12. I said I’d make us lunch and was genuinely excited to see her after almost 6 months. She asked if she can contribute to the meal and I declined, because it’s just lunch and I hate how much food goes to waste when there’s too much food. Any way I timed lunch to be cooked for when she arrives so I don’t have to spend time in the kitchen and prepped snacks, sangria, set the table and lunch was almost ready, I thought last 10 min of cooking I’ll do when she’s due or arrived at the house.

20 minutes after friend is due to arrive she messages to say she’s 10 min away. So I finish lunch. An hour later she arrives at my home with 4 packets of groceries and by this stage I am so annoyed because everything is now cold, looks over cooked and it’s just bleh. As she arrives, she saw my new dog and freaks out because although she has a dog she’s not keen on them. I never really knew this as I’ve always had small to medium sized dogs. And insists I lick him away. Which at that point I can’t lock him away because when I’ve tried to do that in that excited state he has snapped and I don’t want the situation to escalate with my dog or friend and I know if she just stops panicking she’ll see he’s fine and glued to my husband anyway.

Well she refused to enter my home. Walks round to the back door then when I opened up to let her in, we had an exchange of words about the overcooked food/late arrival/and arriving with too much groceries... mainly because I couldn’t even pretend to not be angry that she arrived so late but she’s also angry because of my dog.

So she said to me maybe she should just leave.... so I snapped back well then maybe you should. So she walks out, lunch uneaten and within the afternoon she’s already removed me from fb and ig.

I love this friend dearly and I was genuinely excited to see her. I feel a lack of respect and consideration when people are late with no valid reason or apology.

But I am not sure if I was unjustified in my snap back at her... AIBU?

My husband suggests I call her to make amends and all I think is call her and say what? Sorry you were late and I got annoyed? Sorry you said you were 10 min away when you were an hour away? Sorry you wanted me to lick my dog up and I was trying to calm the situation for everyone? Sorry I made you lunch so that when you arrived I wouldn’t need to be in the kitchen?

The only thing I can say is my face doesn’t lie how I’m feeling. I wish it did. But I don’t have a poker face and when she said maybe she should leave I was possibly wrong to say maybe she should, when actually an apology for her being late would have been enough to just say oooh ok.... let’s enjoy the afternoon regardless.

I think you’ve taken this way to personally and took it out on her

You wanted it to be perfect but coz she was late you thought it was ruined and it got your back up

Added by the fact she didn’t want to be near your dog (which in my defence isn’t a bad thing)

Did you tell her you have a dog, did you tell her you were having lunch ready on the dot of her arrival

What if she was late because she went grocery shopping for you trying to be kind?

Probably that it tried to bite and That OP refused to get it under control.

Except it didn't.

Sounds like neither of you were particularly gracious. She was your guest. Ok, she was v late and that’s not a great start but if you invite someone into your home then you should do everything you can to make them feel welcome and at ease.
As for your dog. Well, you can hardly blame her for his poor training!

Yes she knew I had a new dog... I had even added to a message yesterday I can’t wait for her to meet my new baby.... she didn’t say anything about being petrified.

My dog did NOT snap at her. He was excited and happily wagging his tail. We both could have handled the whole thing better but I did pick up my dog when she was frightened.

You both sound completely bonkers.

I’d be annoyed she was late ,you had gone to a lot of trouble
I’d be not happy at a loose leaping about dog ,dog should be away
She was thoughtful bringing groceries
You both snapped
But she was worse being that late ,it’s very rude

I think you're both in the wrong. She shouldn't have been so late but she told you about the dog and you dismissed her worry and she wasn't to know that you had lunch cooked for exactly noon. You both owe each other an apology but as the host I would have apologized on the spot and made the most of your afternoon together.

Could you phone her and say something like 'Can we start again? Today was not a good day, I was trying to make it perfect and it didn't work out. I'd hate to lose a friendship that means a lot to me over it'.

I would have been annoyed too with the ruined food, ignoring your requests, and arriving late. Being scared of your dog might be something she just couldn't help.

Next time she comes over just bung a bottle of wine in the fridge with some soup. Fancy soup. To be reheated when she actually turns up.

To be honest, none of this matters ALL that matters is; do you want to keep the friendship? If so, forget who was at fault and get in touch, maybe tomorrow. Say you don’t know what went so wrong and you had been so excited to see her, can you put it behind you johns and start again?

Sounds lik you were both wound up and it all just got blown out of proportion, but if you want to be her friend then it really doesn’t matter who was right and who was wrong.

Do you think by getting the groceries and then the drink, she was trying to delay actually arriving at yours? Is she one of those types who says yes if you ask her out, and then regrets it later or changes her mind?

Surely she must have been aware of the time when she left home, and how long grocery shopping takes. I would have thought if she was genuinely wanting to bring you a gift/food, then she would have factored in the time it would take?

Sounds to me she had something else going on before she got to yours and the whole thing just went arse up for both of you.

I would leave it a couple of days and then as an earlier poster suggested, send a light message along the lines of how things seemed to have got off on the wrong foot and is she ok?

As has been said, the friendship might have run it's course but you will know from her reply (if she sends you one) as it whether its a one off or not.

good luck!

This whole thing is bonkers. I don’t know how to quote stuff but OP you have said you didn’t know what was in the bags then said you were irritated because she brought 4 bags of things that needed refrigerating.
I call bullshit on the whole thing. It’s too fucking ridiculous to be real.

P.S I would never lock my dog away for anyone. It’s my dogs house, she lives here, I would lock my DC away so I’m not locking my dog away. If you don’t like dogs, we will have to meet elsewhere or we lock ourselves in a room away from the dog, but the dog is not locked up!

Oh no! I meant to say I would NOT lock my DC away! i don’t lock up my DC!

There's a big difference between being late meeting out of the home, and coming over a bit late to someone's house. 12 is early for lunch, in my husband's culture it would be rude to turn up at 12 and expect food, so there, an hour or two would be fine. In the UK people are more precise about lateness, and so it is rude. But I've had friends turn up 30-60 min late lots of times, to my house, usually with a text.

You are both crackers. Probably you slightly moreso.

@Yesmate

This whole thing is bonkers. I don’t know how to quote stuff but OP you have said you didn’t know what was in the bags then said you were irritated because she brought 4 bags of things that needed refrigerating. I call bullshit on the whole thing. It’s too fucking ridiculous to be real.

I saw watermelon... which I already had in my fridge.... I saw Philadelphia cream cheese, which again I already had in my fridge. I saw 2 x 2l soda, 3+ packets of crisps and about 2 x6 pack of a cider.... all of which I had already + what I prepared. What made up the rest I don’t know.

You’re a lunatic, as is she.

I can understand the annoyance at her bringing groceries. I have a friend who also likes to be the hostess with the mostest. She is an excellent cook and meals at her house are always a treat. However, like OPs friend she doesn’t like to accept other people’s hospitality. Whenever she is invited to a get together her response is always ‘what would you like me to bring?’ That’s fine normally as our group often does pot lunch type meet ups. However on more formal occasions it can be an absolute PITA. Even when she’s been clearly told that all we want is her presence and a bottle of wine she still insists on bringing enough food to feed an army. She once arrived at mine with a massive bowl of chilli that not only required heating up (thereby taking up precious oven space) but also did not go at all well with my dinner party menu of fillet steak, Bearnaise sauce and new potatoes. Another friend hired caterers to serve a very posh afternoon tea with finger sandwiches and patisserie and PITA mate tipped up with an oven tray of tandoori chicken. Lovely but unnecessary and inappropriate. On another occasion she and I were both cooking for a church function. We agreed that she would do the main course for 50 and I’d do the starter. The vicar asked me to make soup so over a course of texts we agreed I’d make that at home and bring it along to the church to heat up. I would also make several different types of bread and rolls and bring enough butter and low fat spread for everyone. That way she didn’t have to worry about the starter at all. Over the next few weeks she reminded me constantly of what I had agreed to provide and I reassured her it was all under control. On the day, when I arrived at the church hall I discovered that as well as making the food she was responsible for, she had also bought several large tins of soup, a dozen French sticks and piles of butter. I might as well have not bothered making food for 50 from scratch.

So I can completely understand your annoyance about the groceries. People like that might think they are being generous and helpful but after a while it starts to feel patronising and controlling.

However, you were insensitive not to reassure her the dog would be kept in another room to her. It’s not for you to decide which dogs she should or shouldn’t be afraid of. You were also very inhospitable to put the timing of your meal ahead of a warm welcome for your only guest. I could understand it if you had a houseful of people all waiting on her

Hopefully the two of you will be able to try again and put this behind you. Maybe you’ll even laugh about it one day.

@GrapefruitGin

You’re a lunatic, as is she.

A lunatic! Wow!

Quayyy We had a cat who had to be locked away. She had a tendency to assess visitors in same manner as a shark approaches something it suspects may be food.

The DC on the other hand were much better behaved.

Why on earth are people blaming the OP for this? Her friend was really rude and the OP is upset, as any of us would be in that situation.

@ChaBishkoot

Because when she came in through the back door you should have just welcomed her, offered her lunch, heated it up and had a nice chat.

Why, when she’d been so rude?

Were all the groceries for you? Shopping is so stressy right now that if I went to the shops to pick up a few things to take to lunch, I'd do my normal shopping at the same time. Which I would then take into the house as it would be cooler than the car... I mean, who buys cream cheese for someone else?

It sounds like you two are a bad mix - you are highly anxious and overthink, she is so laid-back that turning up 90 minutes late doesn't really register. So the only real question is, do you want to keep the friendship? If so, you need to message or call her and eat humble pie with cream cheese. If not, then you need to let it go.

You both sound like 10 year olds.

@Yesmate you sound unhinged.
OP, she does sound hard work and you did your best.