Invited friend over for lunch and it all went downhill. Was IBU?

[Dogsaremyfavorite]

My friend arrived back in the country and I asked for her earliest availability that I could see her after she got her negative covid results. She said today at 12. I said I’d make us lunch and was genuinely excited to see her after almost 6 months. She asked if she can contribute to the meal and I declined, because it’s just lunch and I hate how much food goes to waste when there’s too much food. Any way I timed lunch to be cooked for when she arrives so I don’t have to spend time in the kitchen and prepped snacks, sangria, set the table and lunch was almost ready, I thought last 10 min of cooking I’ll do when she’s due or arrived at the house.

20 minutes after friend is due to arrive she messages to say she’s 10 min away. So I finish lunch. An hour later she arrives at my home with 4 packets of groceries and by this stage I am so annoyed because everything is now cold, looks over cooked and it’s just bleh. As she arrives, she saw my new dog and freaks out because although she has a dog she’s not keen on them. I never really knew this as I’ve always had small to medium sized dogs. And insists I lick him away. Which at that point I can’t lock him away because when I’ve tried to do that in that excited state he has snapped and I don’t want the situation to escalate with my dog or friend and I know if she just stops panicking she’ll see he’s fine and glued to my husband anyway.

Well she refused to enter my home. Walks round to the back door then when I opened up to let her in, we had an exchange of words about the overcooked food/late arrival/and arriving with too much groceries... mainly because I couldn’t even pretend to not be angry that she arrived so late but she’s also angry because of my dog.

So she said to me maybe she should just leave.... so I snapped back well then maybe you should. So she walks out, lunch uneaten and within the afternoon she’s already removed me from fb and ig.

I love this friend dearly and I was genuinely excited to see her. I feel a lack of respect and consideration when people are late with no valid reason or apology.

But I am not sure if I was unjustified in my snap back at her... AIBU?

My husband suggests I call her to make amends and all I think is call her and say what? Sorry you were late and I got annoyed? Sorry you said you were 10 min away when you were an hour away? Sorry you wanted me to lick my dog up and I was trying to calm the situation for everyone? Sorry I made you lunch so that when you arrived I wouldn’t need to be in the kitchen?

The only thing I can say is my face doesn’t lie how I’m feeling. I wish it did. But I don’t have a poker face and when she said maybe she should leave I was possibly wrong to say maybe she should, when actually an apology for her being late would have been enough to just say oooh ok.... let’s enjoy the afternoon regardless.

Is there something deeper to this? Because it’s kind of hard to understand what happened here. It seems like an over reaction.

Has something happened previously?

Honestly I think your hosting skills are lacking if your have your overexcitable dog by your side when you open the door, ready to jump on guests etc. Especially as you know he starts biting/snapping when you try to “corner” him.

When you open the door, surely just put him in another room and introduce him to guests when he’s calm? I would be scared too and I like dogs.

Did she say why she was late?

You made her feel unwelcome, I would leave too. Granted she should have apologiesed for being late, but you don't sound very hospitable and friendly

6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

She should not have been late or brought unwanted food if you'd already told her no.

You should have just prepped food rather than finish it all as people can be delayed for loads of reasons ( but they should advise) and not huffed at her, did she know food would be ready the second you had arranged to meet? Also if a guest is scared of your pet you shouldn't make them be around it, you remove the dog or refuse entry to the guest, you don't tell them to put up with it.

I love dogs but hate other people's jumpy ill mannered dogs especially around food.

You both need to apologise tbf.

don’t understand why she can’t be gracious and accept that I want to make lunch for us.

I expect she wonders why YOU can't be gracious

Lateness is rude.

But it's weird to time cooking so you will serve it on the dot of your guest arriving, so she wouldn't have known she was interrupting your military schedule.

Very few dishes are rendered inedible by an hour delay, so I suspect you were being overdramatic about the food.

She's really weird about dogs. Never heard of someone that can live with a medium-sized dog but can't be in the same room as a large one.

Still, if your guest has a problem with your pet then you separate the pet from them for a few hours.

So... you were too regimented and overdramatic to make a point, she was rude and overdramatic about the dog. Don't think either of you have lost much!

@Sparticuscaticus your guests WERE rude!

It sounds like you were both to blame to be honest. Being an hour late is really rude, so is bringing a load of stuff, I think that’s kind of controlling and strange. However her reaction to the dog does make sense, just because she has a dog doesn’t mean she wants to put up with your snapping dog.

@chatterbugmegastar

I love this friend dearly

No - you don't

Because if you did, you'd have put up with her weirdness (and she sounds well weird) because you love her

But you wouldn't lock the dog away
You were way too invested in the food being ruined
You were way too pissed off about her being late ....

..... so , no, you don't love her dearly

You like her and you like people to do things the way you want them done - and when they don't, you strop

No! Not true.

I’m tired of making allowances for bad behavior and self sacrificing my own feelings or needs to accommodate others all the time.

Normally I’d down a couple of glasses of wine or take a Xanax to chill so I can get on with things with my slightly chilled not so much poker face.

I don’t want to do that anymore.

@Regularsizedrudy

It sounds like you were both to blame to be honest. Being an hour late is really rude, so is bringing a load of stuff, I think that’s kind of controlling and strange. However her reaction to the dog does make sense, just because she has a dog doesn’t mean she wants to put up with your snapping dog.

The dog wasn’t snapping!

She is the kind of person who prides herself on being the hostess with the most’est’... and makes comments when food is not to her standard

I don’t understand why she can’t be gracious and accept that I want to make lunch for us.

Ok, I understand now. You're both as bad as each other and you wanted this to be your day to shine. You should make it up. You sound perfectly suited.

How well do you actually know each other? It sounds as if you were quite tensed up about seeing her?
If she knows that you are keen on punctuality then yes it was rude of her to notify you after she was already running late. But things happen - did she have a good reason, did you find out what it was?
Do you always expect your guests to sit down and eat the second they get through the door? Personally I like my guests to feel relaxed and at home rather than on edge about doing everything right.
I have a dog and would not hesitate to keep it away from anyone who felt uncomfortable - sorry but that's part of being a good host to me.
I guess your friendship has run its course now , though, each of you have upset the other.

Also the food being overcooked is your error, not hers, so that shouldn’t be something you should blame on her

@Itwasnoaccident9786756453

She is the kind of person who prides herself on being the hostess with the most’est’... and makes comments when food is not to her standard

I don’t understand why she can’t be gracious and accept that I want to make lunch for us.

Ok, I understand now. You're both as bad as each other and you wanted this to be your day to shine. You should make it up. You sound perfectly suited.

Hahahaha oh my gosh! No, not my day to shine. But whatever...

She was rude, she knew you were making lunch and she was an hour late! By being late she was saying her time is more precious than yours.

I’d be pissed off too!

If you need to take Xanax to cope with irritation, I think you have a problem that is bigger than this. Are things difficult generally? I think you could look back at this and think 'I wasn't in my right mind.' Go and apologise.

"lick my dog up", not once but twice has finished me.

Sorry. I think you overreacted a bit but I also think she was incredibly rude to turn up late especially after telling you she was ten minutes away and then to get all "argh, a dog!" when she has a dog of her own.

I'm honestly not sure what I'd do in your situation. If you still want to retain your friendship and get past this then you probably need to reach out first. A straight out apology is probably too much but maybe chat with your husband and ask why he thinks you should apologise and see what he thinks. Talk to her, tell her why you were annoyed and apologise for overreacting if you feel you can, but unless she accepts she was in the wrong too then I think your friendship might be a bit over.

Well, I'm on your side OP. It's beyond me why she messaged you when she was already late to say she was 10 minutes away and then took an hour to get to you! That's really not on when you know someone has cooked for you. As for the dog thing, why on earth would you think she had a problem with dogs when you know she has a dog of her own?
I don't blame you for being annoyed with her about those things at all, especially when, having asked and been told by you not to bring food, she brings 4 packets that you have to find room for.
What a rotten thing to happen when you were so looking forward to seeing her. I feel very sorry for you

I’m tired of making allowances for bad behavior and self sacrificing my own feelings or needs to accommodate others all the time.

Fair enough

Fuck knows why you're posting in AIBU, then

I'm baffled that your own dog snaps at YOU when you try to shut it away! I think you may need to do quite a lot of work with that dog. But the fact it's a rescue and you tried to 'corner it' when you first got it tells me that you may not know very much about dogs...

Sorry. I'm easily distracted when it comes to dogs.

Very rude to be so late with no explanation or apology. I understand how she felt about the dog though as I am terrified of them after being bitten by one when I was younger. I do think your friendship is salvageable.

@Itwasnoaccident9786756453

If you need to take Xanax to cope with irritation, I think you have a problem that is bigger than this. Are things difficult generally? I think you could look back at this and think 'I wasn't in my right mind.' Go and apologise.

I live with depression, anxiety and chronic pain. I do at times take a Xanax to take the edge off and it helps me from time to time.

You sound like an inexperienced host OP.

If someone is coming at 12 for lunch I'd be aiming to have it ready for say 1ish so they have a chance to have a drink and allows for lateness. I'd be a bit shocked I turned up for lunch and was given a plate of food straight away.

If someone doesn't like dogs, again it's on you to get the dog out the way, your dog needs to be trained to be put in another room from you without snapping for goodness sake.

She was very late, yes, and that's irritating. But she was trying to be nice by bringing food, I've done that before even when told not to. 4 bags of food is a lot, she sounds quite scatty and all over the place.

Tbh you were both rude, but I think you were more in the wrong on balance as you're the one that caused the atmosphere. So the onus is on you to reconcile if you actually want to.

She sounds like an absolute lunatic. She's removed you on Instagram and Facebook over this single altercation? She's been looking for an excuse to ditch you, clearly, starting with this nonsensical fight over her being extremely late!

When you’re entertaining there are some simple rules to follow to take the stress out for the cook. Things like; serve a prepared cold meal such as chicken Caesar salad or salmon salad, or a meal that won’t spoil if delayed like beef bourguignon, or a meal that can be cooked very quickly once the guest arrives like fried sea bass with lentil salad. Perhaps if you did something along those lines another time, you wouldn’t be so upset if your guest was late.

It sounds as though you were both a bit overwrought, perhaps she was tired from travelling. Maybe you could have both done with a bit more give and take.

I hope after you’ve both calmed down, you can patch things up between the two of you. Good friends are hard to find.