Invited friend over for lunch and it all went downhill. Was IBU?

[Dogsaremyfavorite]

My friend arrived back in the country and I asked for her earliest availability that I could see her after she got her negative covid results. She said today at 12. I said I’d make us lunch and was genuinely excited to see her after almost 6 months. She asked if she can contribute to the meal and I declined, because it’s just lunch and I hate how much food goes to waste when there’s too much food. Any way I timed lunch to be cooked for when she arrives so I don’t have to spend time in the kitchen and prepped snacks, sangria, set the table and lunch was almost ready, I thought last 10 min of cooking I’ll do when she’s due or arrived at the house.

20 minutes after friend is due to arrive she messages to say she’s 10 min away. So I finish lunch. An hour later she arrives at my home with 4 packets of groceries and by this stage I am so annoyed because everything is now cold, looks over cooked and it’s just bleh. As she arrives, she saw my new dog and freaks out because although she has a dog she’s not keen on them. I never really knew this as I’ve always had small to medium sized dogs. And insists I lick him away. Which at that point I can’t lock him away because when I’ve tried to do that in that excited state he has snapped and I don’t want the situation to escalate with my dog or friend and I know if she just stops panicking she’ll see he’s fine and glued to my husband anyway.

Well she refused to enter my home. Walks round to the back door then when I opened up to let her in, we had an exchange of words about the overcooked food/late arrival/and arriving with too much groceries... mainly because I couldn’t even pretend to not be angry that she arrived so late but she’s also angry because of my dog.

So she said to me maybe she should just leave.... so I snapped back well then maybe you should. So she walks out, lunch uneaten and within the afternoon she’s already removed me from fb and ig.

I love this friend dearly and I was genuinely excited to see her. I feel a lack of respect and consideration when people are late with no valid reason or apology.

But I am not sure if I was unjustified in my snap back at her... AIBU?

My husband suggests I call her to make amends and all I think is call her and say what? Sorry you were late and I got annoyed? Sorry you said you were 10 min away when you were an hour away? Sorry you wanted me to lick my dog up and I was trying to calm the situation for everyone? Sorry I made you lunch so that when you arrived I wouldn’t need to be in the kitchen?

The only thing I can say is my face doesn’t lie how I’m feeling. I wish it did. But I don’t have a poker face and when she said maybe she should leave I was possibly wrong to say maybe she should, when actually an apology for her being late would have been enough to just say oooh ok.... let’s enjoy the afternoon regardless.

@Zaphodsotherhead

I'm baffled that your own dog snaps at YOU when you try to shut it away! I think you may need to do quite a lot of work with that dog. But the fact it's a rescue and you tried to 'corner it' when you first got it tells me that you may not know very much about dogs...

Sorry. I'm easily distracted when it comes to dogs.

I never cornered my dog... my cleaner did.

I have 2 (well-behaved) dogs of my own. I grew up with dogs. I love dogs. I still wouldn't be keen to walk into a house with an over-excitable dog with form for snapping at people bouncing around.

That aside, she was very rude to be so late, but I think you could have handled it better if you wanted to maintain the friendship.

When she said she was 10 mins away did you say you were preparing dinner for her imminent arrival ?

My friend’s 10 mins also means a hour, whereas mine is 10 lots of 60 seconds, but if I’d said I was making dinner for her arrival then she would say, actually make it for an hour, or make it once I get there.
No one is really unreasonable, we both know each other’s irritating faults !

Make it up with your friend, don’t let it fester.

Both in the wrong and both sound over demanding. She was out of order to say she was 10 minutes away and took another hour. You were in the wrong to have an out of control dog terrorising visitors.

bit ott but my dsis does this with lateness and then rocks up like nothing is wrong and all why are people annoyed why is ther a schedule

erm because its just rude isnt it-if its a one off fine but its all the bloody time-she wont change but o havent cut her off for it

Your friend was definitely rude as she was so late.
You were just as bad if you think it's ok to answer the door with a over excitable badly behaved dog ready to
jump on top of whomever is there.
I love dogs but I would hate this.
I totally get why he made her nervous.

If I was visiting I wouldn't want to eat the minute I got there. I'd be happy to sit in the kitchen with you / help while you finished it off but not as soon as I walked through the door (and I'm never late).

Bit six of one, half a dozen of the other here I think.

@Itwasnoaccident9786756453

Bringing groceries is a nice thing to do. It's incredibly ungracious to make a guest feel bad for doing that. You don't get to choose what someone gives or brings. I would personally not want to be shoe horned into this scenario as the visiting friend no matter how good the sangria was. Are you a bit controlling? She had an excuse if the adrenalin was flowing but you just sound deeply unpleasant. I doubt she was aware it was all so perfectly timed either.

Taking groceries to someone's house when you've been invited for lunch is a weird thing to to imo, why would you take random shopping when obviously the person who invited you will have made the lunch?

It's a bit of an insult to turn up with something that the host then has to prepare, very odd behaviour

Why does she keep asking you to lick your dog?!

I think both of you sound immature and rude tbh!

She was unreasonable to be late. However you have a dangerous and out of control dog. Sort it out.

And insists I lick him away. Which at that point I can’t lock him away because when I’ve tried to do that in that excited state he has snapped and I don’t want the situation to escalate

Whilst you were trying to be hospitable, to you that means doing everything on your terms. You totally dismissed and disregarded your friend. This was about you playing the hostess not about making her feel welcome.

She has a dog, so what was her problem with your dog?

Probably that it tried to bite and That OP refused to get it under control.

I have dogs and work with dogs. It would still piss me off!

I think your micromanaged lunch prep timing was weird and anxious. Surely you wait for the guest to arrive, offer a drink, chat, then about half an hour in, do your last ten minutes of prep before eating.

I find her bringing groceries really odd. Why not flowers, chocolates or wine? Did she expect you to cook something with her raw ingredients? How would that timing work? Or just randomly adding to the contents of your fridge? Why, when she'd have no idea what you had already? I can understand fruit as a gift but random groceries is bizarre.

She was already embarrassed at being late, so on edge. You were unwelcoming and stroppy.

I think you were both being unreasonable.

She's a dick for being so late.

However, you pointed out that she was scared of the dog, and that the dog gets overexcited and barky and can snap. If she was concerned about the dog you should have straight away called your husband to come get him.

I love dogs but get quite anxious at barky overexcited dogs. If she doesn't know the dog she can't just "act fine".

The ' grocery bags' could have been a bunch of flowers, bottle of wine and lovely dessert - OP is just assuming her friend 'disobeyed orders.'

In reality she never bothered to find out

She was very rude to be an hour late, and not apologise. But ...

You have to accept if someone is scared of your dog, it is not acceptable to tell them that
I know if she just stops panicking she’ll see he’s fine and glued to my husband anyway

She shouldn't have been late; but as a host, you should have got the dog away, and invited her in. You could have made a point of saying you expected her an hour ago, and that the food might be a bit over-cooked. Depends how frankly you and she are used to communicating.

But I feel for you - if I invite people for a meal, I plan. I don't find it helpful if people bring stuff (except wine or flowers or chocolates) because it's usually not as nice as stuff I cook, and it upsets my careful menu planning.

I think you need to make it up with you friend and get some good therapy.

I think there was some competitive friending going on. You say she prides herself on being a perfect host, so perhaps you had that in mind when preparing for her, and she was attempting to still be the perfect host as guest.

If you do call her, apologize first for being wound up. Then if she's a decent person she should volunteer an apology. Then perhaps you can agree to a relaxed get-together and order a pizza when she arrives? (With the dog taken for a very long walk in the morning so he calms down quickly.)

You sound as bad as one another, and therefore well-suited.

She obviously shouldn’t have turned up an hour late when she knew you were cooking lunch for her. If she really was unavoidably delayed, she should have apologised.

You should have grabbed the dog, or asked your DH to do so, and shut it in another room if it was causing issues for your friend. Some people really don’t like dogs, particularly ones which ‘snap’.

Sorry @Dogsaremyfavorite but she seems glad to be rid of you

Sorry if already covered but....

OP you have already posted 3 weeks ago about being irritated about a friend on multiple levels.

Starting two threads about being irritated about two different close friends within a few weeks of each other.... I’d be asking myself... am I easily irritated?

Prepared to be told IABU... but here goes... prior to official lockdown she already licked herself and family down and was quite outspoken about people going on as normal before official lockdown... including her own parents who travelled internationally to be with her brother as planned for this year.

3 Months have passed and she is not comfortable meeting up or even opening her front door for me to receive a birthday gift. Saying that she has had different service men in her home because she decided to revamp some rooms during lockdown.

Now this is where I’m irritated.... and I need to vent. She and her family have decided to travel internationally to go and see her family. Health concerns have come to light for her mother and she is fearful something will happen... so wants to travel to go and spend summer with her family, who is currently at her brothers home.

I just think this is so hypocritical considering her reaction to everyone including her own family when lockdown was enforced...

In the meantime I know I’m dealing with my own emotions because we have chosen to not travel internationally to go and see my family who have immediate health concerns as well but believe it’s the right thing given the risk we might put them in traveling and just additional exposure.

Added today there was a drive through appointment for school and all parents were given specific times to drop their kids for 10 minutes.... and all parents were instructed to wait in their vehicles for their children to maintain everyone’s safety... my friend insisted on walking her 11 year old daughter into the school and being with her when we could all clearly see our child from our vehicle. While I waited in my car.

It just seems hypocritical and I’m irritated but AIBU?

In fact - are they the same friend?!

Gosh, I feel tired just from reading this. You both sound very intense.

I honestly don't think you have a genuine friendship with this woman. It all sounds rather tense and aggressive and competitive.

In which case - you were clearly irritated even before you’d invited her over for lunch!!

YANBU - 90 mins late is the height of bad manners IMO. Bringing 4 bags of groceries is ridiculous too. I probably wouldnt have snapped back (though been very tempted)but like you my face would have shown my feelings.

You’re as bad as each other. She was rude to be late, but you were rude to not either lock the dog up or politely explain your partner was going to take it for a walk.

Your dog is clearly not safe and she was right to refuse to come in because of it.