Invited friend over for lunch and it all went downhill. Was IBU?

[Dogsaremyfavorite]

My friend arrived back in the country and I asked for her earliest availability that I could see her after she got her negative covid results. She said today at 12. I said I’d make us lunch and was genuinely excited to see her after almost 6 months. She asked if she can contribute to the meal and I declined, because it’s just lunch and I hate how much food goes to waste when there’s too much food. Any way I timed lunch to be cooked for when she arrives so I don’t have to spend time in the kitchen and prepped snacks, sangria, set the table and lunch was almost ready, I thought last 10 min of cooking I’ll do when she’s due or arrived at the house.

20 minutes after friend is due to arrive she messages to say she’s 10 min away. So I finish lunch. An hour later she arrives at my home with 4 packets of groceries and by this stage I am so annoyed because everything is now cold, looks over cooked and it’s just bleh. As she arrives, she saw my new dog and freaks out because although she has a dog she’s not keen on them. I never really knew this as I’ve always had small to medium sized dogs. And insists I lick him away. Which at that point I can’t lock him away because when I’ve tried to do that in that excited state he has snapped and I don’t want the situation to escalate with my dog or friend and I know if she just stops panicking she’ll see he’s fine and glued to my husband anyway.

Well she refused to enter my home. Walks round to the back door then when I opened up to let her in, we had an exchange of words about the overcooked food/late arrival/and arriving with too much groceries... mainly because I couldn’t even pretend to not be angry that she arrived so late but she’s also angry because of my dog.

So she said to me maybe she should just leave.... so I snapped back well then maybe you should. So she walks out, lunch uneaten and within the afternoon she’s already removed me from fb and ig.

I love this friend dearly and I was genuinely excited to see her. I feel a lack of respect and consideration when people are late with no valid reason or apology.

But I am not sure if I was unjustified in my snap back at her... AIBU?

My husband suggests I call her to make amends and all I think is call her and say what? Sorry you were late and I got annoyed? Sorry you said you were 10 min away when you were an hour away? Sorry you wanted me to lick my dog up and I was trying to calm the situation for everyone? Sorry I made you lunch so that when you arrived I wouldn’t need to be in the kitchen?

The only thing I can say is my face doesn’t lie how I’m feeling. I wish it did. But I don’t have a poker face and when she said maybe she should leave I was possibly wrong to say maybe she should, when actually an apology for her being late would have been enough to just say oooh ok.... let’s enjoy the afternoon regardless.

She is the kind of person who prides herself on being the hostess with the most’est’... and makes comments when food is not to her standard. So yeah I did try and make it perfect but that totally backfired because I was so anxious and upset about her being so late.

Both of you sound lacking in social skills.
She shouldn't have been late.
You should have locked your dog away.
Both of you need to find better friends.

Genuine question - how old are you both?

As Yesmate said, she shouldn't have been in your house anyway unless you were in a bubble with her.

I think you’re both at fault, albeit your friend is more to blame.

Had she arrived bang on time, and had freaked out about dog, you (hopefully) wouldn’t have reacted as you did. Sounds like you were feeling impatient because she was already late and snapped back which i get as she was late, but that’s a reason, not an excuse for you dismissing her being scared.

That said, arriving so late is spectacularly rude and I would be majorly pissed off too. If I had been that late I’d be majorly apologetic and understand why you’d be annoyed.

Some people are always late. I don’t know if your friend is usually like this but one thing I’ve learnt is that it’s not about not valuing your time / respect, they often genuinely don’t get the big deal 🙄 so annoying but if your friend is like this, it explains why she was oblivious and would have been caught out by your reaction.

Sounds like you wanted to have a nice afternoon and have an otherwise good friendship so if I were you, I’d explain why you were peed off, apologise if she felt threatened by the dog and then leave it to her. If she’s decent she will apologise for being late and you can move on.

If you have a dog that snaps under any circumstances you're in the wrong to not have it completely under control when a guest arrives. Did it run at her?

@WombOfOnesOwn

What kind of dog is it, OP ... and what do you mean that it would "snap" if you shut it away? Hearing from someone that they couldn't lock a dog away without worrying it would "snap" would cement my fear reaction to that dog.

It’s a English cocker spaniel. He is a rescue and when we first got him we tried cornering him in the kitchen and he snapped. He didn’t bite or draw blood but he clearly didn’t like being cornered like that. She doesn’t know this though..., but he was just happy, wagging his tail and barking when the doorbell rang.

Was the lunch seriously beyond rescuing? If she was a good mate, surely you could have laughed about her lateness and the overcooked meal, opened the wine and had a good old natter about what you'd both been up to since you last met. This is all a bit of an childish overreaction to something minor.

@Justjoshin22

I think you’re both at fault, albeit your friend is more to blame.

Had she arrived bang on time, and had freaked out about dog, you (hopefully) wouldn’t have reacted as you did. Sounds like you were feeling impatient because she was already late and snapped back which i get as she was late, but that’s a reason, not an excuse for you dismissing her being scared.

That said, arriving so late is spectacularly rude and I would be majorly pissed off too. If I had been that late I’d be majorly apologetic and understand why you’d be annoyed.

Some people are always late. I don’t know if your friend is usually like this but one thing I’ve learnt is that it’s not about not valuing your time / respect, they often genuinely don’t get the big deal 🙄 so annoying but if your friend is like this, it explains why she was oblivious and would have been caught out by your reaction.

Sounds like you wanted to have a nice afternoon and have an otherwise good friendship so if I were you, I’d explain why you were peed off, apologise if she felt threatened by the dog and then leave it to her. If she’s decent she will apologise for being late and you can move on.

Yeah, I hear you.

See she is someone that hates people being late too and she considers herself a punctual person.

Bringing groceries is a nice thing to do. It's incredibly ungracious to make a guest feel bad for doing that. You don't get to choose what someone gives or brings. I would personally not want to be shoe horned into this scenario as the visiting friend no matter how good the sangria was. Are you a bit controlling? She had an excuse if the adrenalin was flowing but you just sound deeply unpleasant. I doubt she was aware it was all so perfectly timed either.

Anyone who turns up to lunch that ive prepared for them an hour late and then has the nerve to get "angry" that I have a dog can piss right off back home.
Honestly, who needs friends like this? she sounds thoroughly selfish, entitled and rude. I dont know why you'd even want to remain friends. I think its so rude being an hour late when you KNOW someone has prepared food for you.

She was late, not ideal, but you sound like you massively overreacted. Is she always late or was it a one off. Why not lock the dog away? Why is not such a big deal she brought groceries? You don’t sound like her friend, more an army colonel.

Over an hour late is ridiculous .

I wouldn't want to be her friend after behaving like a child; deleting you from social media.

YANBU

She started it, but agree with the PPs saying you were both at fault. You say that in general you like her a lot, so would try to sort it out.

By any chance is her dog a tiny one?

the dog had gone and she was rude-u dont be over an hour late buying stuff u dont need to bring

I'd try to laugh this one off, as a PP suggested. I think you were both overwrought. She was very rude to be late and you reacted too emotionally.
Not sure what to say about your dog, particularly if you enjoy entertaining. If he'll bite his owner when he's overexcited...!
I'd also consider the fact she gave in to the impulse to bring food and didn't realize how long it would take. My mother drilled it into me that it is rude not to bring a least a bottle of wine when you invited over for a meal...
I hope the friendship can be salvaged!

@Itwasnoaccident9786756453

Bringing groceries is a nice thing to do. It's incredibly ungracious to make a guest feel bad for doing that. You don't get to choose what someone gives or brings. I would personally not want to be shoe horned into this scenario as the visiting friend no matter how good the sangria was. Are you a bit controlling? She had an excuse if the adrenalin was flowing but you just sound deeply unpleasant. I doubt she was aware it was all so perfectly timed either.

I wouldn’t say I’m controlling but when you have a fridge full and someone arrives with 4 + packets of groceries that a lot needs refrigerating... I don’t understand why she can’t be gracious and accept that I want to make lunch for us.

Really overworked this OP

Your friend was an hour late to lunch knowing you were cooking. She went to get groceries for a particular drink - was it for you ? A touching memory or just her favourite?

She arrived late and had a go at you about your dog? Bit rude. But if you're scared of dogs, and your dog is jumping and barking, it wouldn't be unreasonable to ask you to put dog in another room.

Sounds like the argument then escalated that showed neither of you in a good light, and she was childish removing you from fb and IG friends list

It might blow over, I'd leave it a few days.

Tbh though, it sounds like a bit of lockdown fever that exacerbated your excitement and level of disappointment in her behaviour that day.

I hate lateness. I make dinner for 30 mins after people arrive (but sometimes on the dot if I know they are punctual like me. ) Any later than another 10 mins, I dish up for everyone (DCs too) and sit and eat mine 😆😆😆 and leave absent visitor's food plate on the side ...: meh microwave it when you do arrive if I haven't got in my pjs and gone to bed already...! (Ok maybe not at 2pm but I once did when 7pm dinner guests turned up at 9.30pm a bit drunk & very late...)

I can’t stand lateness, especially if she was late because she was buying food to bring to your house, incredibly rude, it’s like saying she didn’t trust you to feed her properly! A bottle of wine or box of chocolates would suffice.

However, you should have put the dog elsewhere or got your husband to take him out and you should have cooked something that would keep or could be reheated or cooked it once she arrived.

i don't get why you're tying yourself up in knots over her.
i wouldn't be apologizing in your shoes - was she sincerely sorry?

She is the kind of person who prides herself on being the hostess with the most’est’... and makes comments when food is not to her standard
Hmmm....so she's all about ego and one-upping people?
That'll be why she brought 4 packs of groceries when you clearly told her not to.
It's a nasty, passive aggressive way of belittling/undermining you and controlling the narrative/persona she's projecting.

She doesn't actually sound like a friend at all.
So she had no respect for your time, arrived armed to turn her nose up at your cooking and then chose to create drama over your dog to deflect from taking responsibility/accountability for her own behavior.

I love this friend dearly

No - you don't

Because if you did, you'd have put up with her weirdness (and she sounds well weird) because you love her

But you wouldn't lock the dog away
You were way too invested in the food being ruined
You were way too pissed off about her being late ....

..... so , no, you don't love her dearly

You like her and you like people to do things the way you want them done - and when they don't, you strop

You sound like you’re pretty annoyed over the dog issue, and I don’t understand why? People aren’t obligated to like your pets or want to be in the company of animals; some people just aren’t “dog people”. You should have locked it away.

It was rude of her to arrive so late, and I would be annoyed too, but would still have had lunch with her. You’ve done all the hard work and cooked the meal after all; what was the point in snapping at her and telling her to leave? She also brought groceries for the meal, which to me, signifies a very polite guest. Maybe she had stopped at the shop and just got carried away choosing nice things to bring for you guys - wine / dessert / nibbles?

I’m siding with her, tbh. I don’t think she was intentionally rude by arriving so late, and I presume if she thought you were both going to make an afternoon of the meal then what did it matter if she came late? You, on the other hand, were a rude host, and you shouldn’t send somebody away because the food went cold and looked “bleugh”. The food should have been secondary to your excitement to seeing your friend.

@Notredamn

Shame she didn't stop off for some chill pills, couple of wrong'uns. I'm sure you'll make your way back to each other, being similarly...well, similar.

Just before she arrived I thought I need to rake a tranquilizer or something as I felt so annoyed.... but then I thought afterwards...

Why tranquilize myself so I can be calm and not feel so annoyed when someone clearly doesn’t respect or value me/my time. I then ate the lunch that was overdone but I still enjoyed it and I enjoyed my afternoon determined not to let this incident ruin a beautiful day albeit hard to just focus on the good, which is why I posted now... thinking possibly I was in the wrong.

I think making lunch before her arrival was risky - she could have got stuck in traffic or something else could have happened that made her late. I do understand why you did it, but maybe just having a cold platter you could have just whipped out would have been a better idea. She was rude for being late as was her excuse - you made it clear everything would be provided and she could have asked for that specific drink if she so wished.

I also would have mentioned the dog beforehand as well - just as a good host really.

Bringing groceries is rude if she wanted to use them for your lunch and/or store them (you may not have had the room). She sounds a bit controlling, and you clearly got anxious wanting it to be perfect and snapped.

If you want to save to friendship apologise (I wouldn’t!) - but if you talk in a few days you might both be able to admit it was not great behaviour from either of you and even laugh about it.