To think my mum is using my children to go back in time

[SerendipitySunshine]

This probably sounds a bit strange, but now lockdown is relaxing, this issue has returned. My mum is obsessed with taking my two daughters out without me, and 'playing house'. I couldn't put my finger on it before, but I've started to think she wants to recreate the time when me and my sister were small. Since they were born shes been really keen to have 'alone time' with them and makes a fuss if I am there too. We get on well usually, and i know she likes spending time with me, so why is she so desperate for alone time with my girls?

I don’t see what your problem is

Perfectly normal for her to want to spend some time alone with her grandkids.

I'm sure most grandparents feel like that to some degree, nostalgic for when their baby's were still little

Dont all grandparents like to do that.

Sounds fine to me. I'd love it if my mum or MIL wanted to take my girls on their own for a bit but they're both weirdly nervous about it and need a lot of persuading.

It's just the 'alone time's that I find a bit strange. Maybe I'm overthinking it. She likes seeing me and she likes seeing them, so why not us all together?

I get the strong feeling with my grandchild that I could do a better job and have a more chilled out time than I did with my children. Maybe she is just enjoying that.

why is she so desperate for alone time with my girls?

It’s a different dynamic when you’re around too. Not necessarily better or worse, just different. And maybe she enjoys that. She may also enjoy spending time just with you, or spending time all together. It’s similar with friends: it’s a different “scene” to go for dinner 1:1 with a friend from meeting up in a big group. Both are fun, but different.

Why do you think this is unusual? It's the norm as far as everyone I know. Including me, my Sister and my eldest with my middle DD's children.

It isn't playing Mum, it's establishing a relationship with the children. The Parent being there does change the dynamic.

No, I'm with you my mum did this and it was weird, it wasn't just wanting to be alone with them it was the annoyance she showed when I was around or did any kind of parenting.

Also she particularly like us as teenagers and really struggled as a parent and she has done the same with my DDs who are older teens and moved on to mothering my sisters children and excluding my sister.

Did you never go out with just one Parent, or a Grandparent and enjoy it?

I don't understand why you'd have a problem with it.

Just to add, she took my DCs to photoshoots without telling me and both their first hair cuts, she kept matching outfits at her house and changed them after i had left. For a long time I distanced us all from her because it became really full on. She would often call herself 'mummy' to them and say Ooops slip of the tongue.

Normal to me.

Maybe that's it. We only had my mum living anywhere nearby when I was growing up, so we didn't have time on my own with anyone else. We have always been super close, so I find it strange to be shooed away. Sounds like I'm just overthinking it.

Think it's overthinking OP. Try to relax and enjoy time to yourself! I absolutely LOVED spending time with my grandparents, how lucky they are to have her. Children can't have too much love

I'm totally envious. I wish my mum would like to spend time with my three without me being around 😀😀😀. Enjoy it.

You are definitely overthinking it.
Do you never want to spend time alone with your mum without the kids? It’s the same idea. It’s just different when you’re all together. Not better or worse, just different.

I love it when my parents have alone time with my children. I also love being with my mother without my children. Its perfectly normal.

I agree with you op, my mum is obsessed with having DS alone. I don't know why. I also feel like she wants to 'play house' like she's pretending to be a type of grandparent that she isn't. I hate it but she will never get my complaint about it so I just make sure she isn't alone with DS but I have a fractured relationship with my mum for the upbringing she gave me and she refuses to acknowledge that too

I wish my parents/in laws were so keen!

If you don’t like it that’s all that matters. I’ve never heard of grandmothers insisting on time alone with grandchildren until I started reading MN

I offer to have my grandson, a small part of it is to maybe relive memories of when my dc were small. I love playing the games we played together and singing the songs I sang to my own dc. But another reason I offer is so that dd gets some time to herself purely because I remember how relentless it used to be. Maybe your dm wants to give you a break?

I’ve read quite a few women on here being upset by (usually their MIL’s), wanting alone time with their babies.

I do think it’s very weird that grandparents wants substantial alone time with their grandchildren. It’s fine for the odd trip out or day or whatever, but it’s incredibly odd to insist on having your grandchildren alone without their parents consistently. Why do that?

Also I wouldn’t leave my dc with my parents or IL’s for significant periods of time anyway or for childminding etc. It’s fine if you want to. But being forced to is wrong.

If it doesn’t feel right and is upsetting you, I’d not do it. I’d visit with my children and make it clear that if she gets arsey about it I won’t be visiting much at all.

Yes OP you are overthinking it. The time spent with you and the children is great but if there are adults conversing then the children take a back seat - or vice verse . Its never an equal spilt .Which is fine although normally its a bit of a juggling act to make sure everyone gets attention . But with just the children there Grandma can devote all of her attention to the DGCs . Its pure pleasure for them and you get some free time . Whats not to like?
If you had said that you had a difficult relationship with your DM but she was trying to take over your DC that would be a whole other story.
But it sounds like a normal loving Grandparent trying to be nice to you all equally.

I wouldn't allow it, but my mother is a poisonous cow and she isn't allowed supervised access to my kids either. If you don't worry about her doing anything "off", or somehow damaging them, then I'd take up the offer and have a lot more naps! She will probably give them more sweets than you'd like, but if you otherwise trust her then I'd let that slide.