To think my mum is using my children to go back in time

[SerendipitySunshine]

This probably sounds a bit strange, but now lockdown is relaxing, this issue has returned. My mum is obsessed with taking my two daughters out without me, and 'playing house'. I couldn't put my finger on it before, but I've started to think she wants to recreate the time when me and my sister were small. Since they were born shes been really keen to have 'alone time' with them and makes a fuss if I am there too. We get on well usually, and i know she likes spending time with me, so why is she so desperate for alone time with my girls?

Totally normal I get a feeling im in the way when my parents lool after my son. I come back to find that they have been doing the same things as they did with me whe I was little. I love the fact he is loved.

@Alsohuman

I thought all grandparents did this. I used to spend a lot of time alone with my granny. So did my son with my mum. Getting 100% of a grandparent’s attention is lovely and creates a special bond.

Of course not all grandparents do this judging by the many threads on MN about disinterested grandparents!

My parents are certainly not interested in spending time with their grandchildren with or without us. On the rare occasions we see my MIL she does prefer to see the children alone which I understand as they tend to interact mainly with me as they have a very limited relationship with her due to only seeing her very occasionally (and her being rather difficult too).

OP- I don't think your mother is odd or unreasonable. It's lovely that she wants to build a relationship with them. From my perspective, you are very lucky and so are they and you sound ungrateful.

you said that when you were little your mum had no close family to help out, so maybe she is compensating for that? Remembers how hard it was for her, so is trying to make it easier for you?

I do think you’re over thinking it. I love that my DM and DDad have DS on their own sometimes, they like to sneak him chocolate or ice cream without me rolling my eyes at them
MIL and FIL don’t engage with him much, just watch from a distance which I find quite strange. They seem to visit him because they probably feel it’s their duty rather than actually wanting to have fun with their grandchild.

That’s a very good point @IDidntChoseThePondLife

Ime, the adults will end up talking together. The dcs get more of a look-in if it's just granny or mum taking them out.

Gps need alone-time with their gc in order to form a solid relationship, from the early days, if possible. Just pushing the baby to the shop or minding it for an hour while mum goes to have her hair done. How easy would you have found it to bond with your baby, if you'd always had a midwife or HV hovering over your shoulder?

I don't think it's odd at all. What are you afraid of?

@teaflake

I know exactly what you mean, op. You're not overthinking, imo.

My mum used to make me feel like a spare part. My mil never did - she was great.

My guess is that if you haven't had a difficult mother, you just won't get it.

I think this is spot on. If you take it at face value and have a lovely Mother then you just dont get how hurtful it is . I had a fantastic MIL, stayed at her with the DC and we did lots of lovely things. My own Mother -essentially wanted me to go away

Hmm I get it as my MIL does this. I thought we had a good relationship until I had DS her first GC. She couldn't wait for both my DH and I to leave. I understand theirs an element of feeling judged by the parents and probably feeling more at ease to do what she wanted when we weren't there but I find it weird. She buys clothes for him, shows them to me then keeps them at hers to dress him in when she has him. I think she judges our parenting and likes to do things her way (she's like this in general). I do appreciate getting a break but I also worry about her being manipulative towards DS in the future

I think it's a lovely thing to do, I used to spend a lot of time with my nephew when he was young, I loved being with him, playing games, reading, feeding the ducks etc - I would meet my DSIL as well of course but it is a totally different dynamic when adults and children are together. My SIL also really appreciated the opportunity for me to 'babysit'.

Even now, my DS is a teenager but my own DPs love spending time with him without me being around.

And when I was young I spent a lot of time alone with my grandparents - lovely memories.

I really don't see what the issue is .

sassy- limit contact now, while you have the chance.

Too late when they're 15 and granny is handing over cash and sleepovers and 'don't tell mum'

I remember my MIL asking to come to Tesco with me and then-newborn DD. She took the pram and just kind of legged it with DD. She was also talking about sleepovers and wanting DD over on her own from really little, which I said no to due to feeding. She's always been great with DD who is now 9, but yes I used to feel that she always wanted me gone!

Because they don't want to feel everything they do and say is being scrutinised.

That’s a really strange attitude. I had a very close relationship with my mum growing up. I certainly never felt that my mum being present in the house meant that everything I said and did was “being scrutinised.” That attitude indicates a dysfunctional family background.

If someone had been hostile to my mum and spent all their time trying to shove my mum away and keep her away from me, I would have found that really upsetting and confusing. Not “wonderful memories.”

Some of my happiest childhood memories are of spending time with my mum and my gran. There’s something so special about generations being all together. Such a shame the OP’s children are being denied that.

The comment from the poster who felt she couldn’t play games with a child if there was another adult in the room because she’d feel silly was very sad. I was extremely self-conscious when I was younger (to the point of refusing to do things I enjoyed) so I empathise, but I realised it was my issue and worked on it.

@Thymeout

Ime, the adults will end up talking together. The dcs get more of a look-in if it's just granny or mum taking them out.

Gps need alone-time with their gc in order to form a solid relationship, from the early days, if possible. Just pushing the baby to the shop or minding it for an hour while mum goes to have her hair done. How easy would you have found it to bond with your baby, if you'd always had a midwife or HV hovering over your shoulder?

I don't think it's odd at all. What are you afraid of?

Comparing a parent to a midwife or health visitor is ludicrous

Sassy put a stop to it right now it will only get worse. A bit like my vile half sisters seriously trying to turn my dd against me where I had thought 'extended family' would be a good thing'. It's not necessarily.

I think its totally normal. I loved spending 1 on 1 time with my Nana when I was growing up. I got her undivided attention - and usually spoiled.

My Mum has always loved spending time with her grand daughters without their parents. Nothing sinister and certainly not trying to recreate anything its just a different dynamic and I think its strengthened the bond between them.

A lot of people would love the break and be happy for the children to have a close bond with the children. I get what you mean though as my mil used to go on like that when my son was born because he was so like my dh when he was a baby.

I think it depends how it's done.
Some alone time to play with the grandkids and give you a break now and then. Fine. Still chats to you and has a normal DM - DD relationship with you. Great.

But if it's pushing you aside, and playing house it's a bit weird... BUT if the kids enjoy it and dont find it weird i'd go along with it. As long as your DC dont find it weird.

As soon as i had my first dc my dm went all funny and pushedme aside. I was back from the hospital for a couple of days and she was "offering" to take the baby out for a full day (bf baby) to give me a break!!! Even pushed me aside to push the pram for baby's first walk and to show me how good she looked in a pram... and tookDC fromher cot when she was a couple of days old to sleep in her bed... (not following any of the safe sleeping advice!). And she wanted tge DC to call her "mammy". It goes on, but you get the picture!
I think everybody reacts differently and I agree DCs should spend time with other family members, close friends alone but it depends how it's done.
You should do what makes you and your dcs happy.

How easy would you have found it to bond with your baby, if you'd always had a midwife or HV hovering over your shoulder?

You’re really comparing a newborn’s own mother to a “hovering midwife”?!?

Babies don’t need to “bond” with anyone except their mum/primary caregiver. I believe current expert advice is that newborns can only develop “secure attachment” to one person (the primary caregiver) and that this relationship and bond needs to be protected to ensure proper secure attachment.” Close relationships with other relatives develops later. It can be traumatic for babies to be removed from their primary caregiver during that initial phase of attachment.

It’s dangerous to try to disrupt the mother-baby bonding/attachment process, just because some grandparents have crazy ideas that they are second mothers and entitled to an equally close bond as the baby’s own mother has.

You don’t need alone time from birth to develop a good relationship with someone else’s baby, and babies are not toys that need to be “shared”.

Lots if grandparents want alone time as a means of building a bond with grandchildren. With mum or dad around, DC will automatically turn to them for any need to be met. When they aren't there, they have no choice but for the grandparent to fill that role. It can build trust and security between DC and grandparent.

So many posts about what mum Vs what granny wants and so little about what kids want if they were given a voice!

Most kids who are given a chance to bond with their grand parents love the time they spend with them and will have wonderful memories that will colour their youth.

All the best memories I gave of my grand parents are when it was me with them only. I don't have any striking ones with my mum around too.

LovePoppy

'It feels odd to be suddenly pushed out and unwanted in favour of your children. Like you’re a second class citizen to your mother/inlaws.'

I just had a lurch in my stomach when I read this. Exactly how I felt.

@Destroyedpeople

Sassy put a stop to it right now it will only get worse. A bit like my vile half sisters seriously trying to turn my dd against me where I had thought 'extended family' would be a good thing'. It's not necessarily.

I think she has different values to DH and I and at times I'm sure she wishes we were more like her (she's very safe i.e thinks a secure boring job is better than any entrepreneurial venture). I intend on being very careful in the future that we teach DS important values (she can be quite shallow and materialistic ) and that he realises what's important in life, It is important they have a relationship but will definitely keep an eye on it

I think that for 90% of families this sort of relationship-building between kids and their grandparents is absolutely normal and to be encouraged.

Thing is... those people don't feel the need to post on MN about it. Most of the threads you read are by people who have problems or conflict with family members and they come on here to either ask for advice, or to rant.

I actually agree with you that this is weird. There's a monumental difference between a grandparent having alone time to be a grandparent and a grandparent pushing for alone time so they can pretend to be the parent. Not sure why people can't see that this behaviour isn't ok.

I'd find it odd. Neither my mother nor mil demand "alone time" with my dc and I certainly wouldn't facilitate it on a regular basis. I like spending time with my kids - that's why I had them!