To think my mum is using my children to go back in time

[SerendipitySunshine]

This probably sounds a bit strange, but now lockdown is relaxing, this issue has returned. My mum is obsessed with taking my two daughters out without me, and 'playing house'. I couldn't put my finger on it before, but I've started to think she wants to recreate the time when me and my sister were small. Since they were born shes been really keen to have 'alone time' with them and makes a fuss if I am there too. We get on well usually, and i know she likes spending time with me, so why is she so desperate for alone time with my girls?

Why do some grandparents insist on "alone time" with grandchildren? it's weird and controlling.

No it's 'normal' callmebadjanet and unless your parents were absolutely awful to you there should be no reason not to allow them time alone with their grandparents. It also gives the DC a degree of Independence to be away from their parents for a bit.

I don't insist on alone time with my dgs but I do offer to have him for my dd so she can do something for herself, have a rest or whatever.
I'm lucky in so far as she believes it's important that dgs builds bonds and receives love and care from other people so as he grows up feeling secure in who he is. She also remembers spending many happy hours with her grandparents and wants the same for him.
I'd say it's more weird and controlling to stop a child having a meaningful and beneficial relationship with other family members and constantly supervising their interactions tbh

@CallmeBadJanet

Why do some grandparents insist on "alone time" with grandchildren? it's weird and controlling.

It's not weird at all to want alone time. It's very normal.

Ask anyone who spends time with your child without you - teacher, friend's parents, brownie leader, cub leader, swimming teacher - and they'll tell you that your child is very different without you around.

It's a very different time spending time with a child without their parents.

I think the reason I've come to resent it is that I drive them there, drop them off, then there isn't really time to come home before I'm coming back again. They are both little, preschool age. She lives fairly rurally, so my options are a bit limited. Previously I've driven to a supermarket and done the shopping, then sat in the cafe with a newspaper or caught up on work. But I'd rather be having fun with them all! My mum can't drive so there isn't an easy option for her to come to us.

alsohuman 💐 I was bought up in care so my little family is everything to me and when my DC were young and I was a single parent ( divorced) bringing them up I always felt that I didn't have as much time to spend with them (because I was working) as I wanted. They said they had plenty of love and attention but I never felt I did always rushing round working, running a house, school runs blah blah. But when the dgc came along it was great to spend time with them in an unhurried and hassle free way. I could listen to their little secrets, their worries and troubles without being judgemental which maybe they couldn't do with their parents. I could advise them on suitable birthday Christmas presents for their parents. I could tell them tales of when their mum's were naughty and things they got up to. I could tell them what I used to get up to which they would listen to with great awe and surprise ( I was a very naughty child!😁) So much to share with them! Do much fun and laughter doing things together, learning them skills that perhaps parents haven't got time to do as like me when I was a working mum, working and running a home and trying to find time for every mundane thing of life and stress can mean less time for DC. And, of course grandparents are a free baby sitting service if you have to work, attend appointments or go away for a romantic weekend😉! And what better for a child to come to Grans where treats abound! We certainly have our uses!

Why do some grandparents insist on "alone time" with grandchildren? it's weird and controlling
😂😂😂😂😂
Jeez!

Thanks pineapplex

My MIL loved it when I left my girls with her. I think it a completely diffferent dynamic when you’re there too because when you’re there you’re head honcho and they defer to you. On her own with them nan gets to be in charge.
Would it be so weird for your mum to want to ‘play house‘ and re create the time when she had young kids? If I were you I’d try to enjoy having a little break here and there. X

I think it’s a normal grandma thing.

My mum loves kids and adores her grandkids. It’s all the benefits of having kids without any of the hassle (ie she can give them back when they start to get annoying haha).

I once had similar feelings about my mum, especially when it felt like she only came around to see the kids, until she told my son “let’s go out to the park and give mummy some ‘me’ time”. It didn’t occur to me that she was trying to help me out as well as take an active interest in her grandkids. I will be forever grateful to how amazing she is with my kids and will feel ungrateful for even once doubting her intentions.

OP if you allowed her to have them overnight you wouldn't have to rush around and you would be able to have some mindfulness time for yourself and recharge your batteries.

I loved doing everything with my children and now am able to carry on and do all those things again with my grandchildren. One of my sons is a single full time dad and therefore I am more than happy to step in and provide any help or just be with either of them one on one or them both. I am a homeschooler to and my passion is to teach and educate and play. I feel the role of mum and nan are so important. My sons grandparents were in their lives constantly and heavily involved as we are a very close knit family and the same for my sister and her family. I thought this was perfectly normal and I dont for a minute understand why this would pose a problem. In fairness I think it is extremely odd not to be in your childen/grandchildrens life but then there are varying circs so each to their own.

I remember my wonderful MIL once offering my daughter something, and my daughter looked at me first for permission to say yes. MIL was saddened that she did so, and at the time I didn't quite 'get it'. But now I do. And I totally see why my PILs loved to have our girls to themselves sometimes.

I've not mentioned anything about having my granddaughter to myself, but my daughter has already got plans to sleep at mine with DGD a couple of times, so that it's familiar and my GD will be able to sleep over with me on her own later! So it looks like I don't need to initiate anything!

@SerendipitySunshine

It’s not weird. My mother did the same. My daughter looks exactly like I did when I was little. My mother was always trying to feed her and take her out, which I didn’t mind.

But my mother would get annoyed when my daughter would choose me as a preferred go to person rather then her.

It’s got really weird, but my mother was only staying for a year to help me (she live in another country).

After that year, my mother and my relationship hasn’t been the same (not saying that you will have the same happen). But I think she saw how different I dealt with being a mother, how I carried in working and carried on with self-care and personal life.....but was still a mum.

I think she got annoyed at me for it, cause her life as a mother was very different. My mother and I were very close before this......again not to say that your situation is going to be the same.

So no, you are not imagining things.

My son and partner are quite happy for me to have ‘alone’ time with my grandkids, because it gives them a break!

I think the reason I've come to resent it is that I drive them there, drop them off, then there isn't really time to come home before I'm coming back again.

Then I think this is the issue really. The problem is that it's inconvenient for you to facilitate this alone time and therefore your mum, probably without realising it, is inconveniencing you. I assume she doesn't live miles and miles away as otherwise you wouldn't be doing the shopping etc? In which case, I'd leave the kids with her for a bit longer, which would mean driving back home is less of an inconvenience for you. Or pick your mum up and get her to be with the kids in your home while you head out to meet friends/ get chores done /whatever.

So what if your Mum is using your children to go back in time? What is wrong with that? Is she your Mum or is she a total stranger??

OP your so lucky to have a mum. I had neither a mum or dad being bought up in care.. That meant my DC only had one set of grandparents when I got married but they lived abroad and as I got divorced after 4 years they never saw my DC and only sent birthday and xmas cards and presents till they passed away. So enjoy the fact you have a mum or mil that want to see your DC.

@Sostenueto

OP your so lucky to have a mum. I had neither a mum or dad being bought up in care.. That meant my DC only had one set of grandparents when I got married but they lived abroad and as I got divorced after 4 years they never saw my DC and only sent birthday and xmas cards and presents till they passed away. So enjoy the fact you have a mum or mil that want to see your DC.

Guilting people because your parent died is not ok