To think my mum is using my children to go back in time

[SerendipitySunshine]

This probably sounds a bit strange, but now lockdown is relaxing, this issue has returned. My mum is obsessed with taking my two daughters out without me, and 'playing house'. I couldn't put my finger on it before, but I've started to think she wants to recreate the time when me and my sister were small. Since they were born shes been really keen to have 'alone time' with them and makes a fuss if I am there too. We get on well usually, and i know she likes spending time with me, so why is she so desperate for alone time with my girls?

Something is clearly off as it's pushing a button in you. Hope you can find a balance you are happy with.

Your children are entitled and its healthy for them to have relationships with trusted adults that's separate from you.

One of my first lessons as a mum was that my DD's life is hers, not mine, and I'm just lucky enough to be her mum and parent her for her younger years. It's not my job to control her relationships with grandparents, family and friends, rather than to guide them and step in when or if things go wrong or are not appropriate.

Unless you're going to drop feed something unreasonable about your mum....

Didn’t sound weird until your second post. THAT sounds weird and would bother me!

Alone time isn’t unusual, and can be a way to support you - I know my mum wishes she’d had more support, so she and my dad frequently offered to take DD to the playground or out for a walk so I could either have a bit of a rest or do things around the house. My mum had a lot of alone time with her when DD was small, not so much in the last year but she’d still be my default person to ask if I wanted a baby sitter if not for Covid.

I know that both of dd's grandmothers loved spending time on their own with her, and that was when the relationships really took off. DD adored both of them and they both adored her. I was so happy that she had 'extra' grown ups who cared for her and to whom she could go when hurt or had problems. More heads = better!

I'm in my 40's now. I stayed over at my grandparents often for weekends and went camping with them when I was a child. I didn't much like camping, but the time with them was special, some of my best childhood memories, and it has definitely deepened the bond I have/had with them.

My kids and my MIL loved their time together. It was really special. I'd return to find them all having a wonderful time, and that made me happy too. My MIL had different play skills from mine, and that real devotion to making the time special. Mums of course are always spinning plates, so it's lovely for kids to spend a bit of time with someone who loves them almost as much, but who can really focus on them.

Having said that, I never left my kids alone with my mum for more than 20 minutes. But that's because she was an entirely different kettle of fish from my MIL!

But yep, if you trust your mum, let her and you DC build that relationship with you out of the picture. Both sides will relax more without you overseeing them.

@Waveysnail

Dont all grandparents like to do that.

No, they don't.

Late ex MIL didn't want to have our Dc alone, but to be fair she was much older than my parents and probably didn't feel capable.

As for me, if my DC ever have their own DC, I won't be rushing in to take them over. I'm not the most maternal minded, although I love my DC dearly.

That is a lovely problem to have op

Dd is already planning all the things dgs can do with Granny recreating the activities I did with her when she was little. She says I have more patience and don't mind the mess so baking and creating will be done with Granny. I'm touched tbh that she holds dear memories of the fun we had and feel blessed that I will be able to do it again with dgs.
My own dgm taught me to knit and crochet and bake so I don't find it strange at all.

No, I feel you @SerendipitySunshine, I know what you mean when you say it feels off.

My friend had it with her MIL. She was desperate for ‘alone time’ with my friend’s newborn son, so much so she begged to take the baby out round the block in his pram when my friend was still recovering from the birth. She didn’t want to say yes but got sort of railroaded. Anyway, the MIL disappeared for hours! Literal hours. Even her son (Friend’s H) was beside himself and when they eventually managed to get in touch with her she said she thought they’d be happy for the rest...

I thought all grandparents did this. I used to spend a lot of time alone with my granny. So did my son with my mum. Getting 100% of a grandparent’s attention is lovely and creates a special bond.

@dontdisturbmenow

but it’s incredibly odd to insist on having your grandchildren alone without their parents consistently. Why do that? Because act different when their mum is around. Because they don't want to feel everything they do and say is being scrutinised.

I think the opposite is odd. Why would parents have an issue wit leaving their kids with their grandparents unless there were genuine concerns?

@dontdisturbmenow has summed it up perfectly.

I have two lovely GC. I love spending time with them and their parents when they visit (we live in different countries) but they do behave very differently when their parents aren't around.

Luckily my daughter and her partner are always glad to have the chance for a couple of days on their own, and never quite believe me when I say that the 48 hours have been great fun with happy, chilled children.

It is one of the great pleasures of being a grandparent. Nothing to do with me needing to "go back in time".

Perfectly normal behaviour to me.

I could understand an objection from someone who'd had a terrible upbringing, but if you know your child will be loved and cared for, why not?

From her perspective, it's a chance to do the lovely things that she did with her own children, and she is probably more relaxed when you're not around.

Maybe when you're there she feels under scrutiny, or feels a bit silly singing the songs, of feels undermined if you jump in to do something better.

I couldn't get worked up about it. The more people who love your kids, the better imo.

My mother is like this, it's not normal and it's not OK. I'm fine with an afternoon a week with Granny, but it got ridiculous with her trying to push me out. Taking 'firsts' off me, e.g. tried to do first day at school without me! bringing kids back late, popping round all the time trying to take kids out, buying things I'd asked her not to, trying to manipulate kids into saying they loved her more.

I tried so hard to be understanding, bit my tongue, tried to compromise, but at the end it was getting ridiculous and she wouldn't stop or listen, that I ended up massively reducing contact.

Everyone says, 'I'd love my kids to having loving involved grandparents'. You know what? So would I. As evidenced by this thread, unless someone has difficult parents themselves they really struggle to understand.

I think too many cooks, I find it much easier when I pick my DD up from my mums at the end of the day after she's spent some time alone with her. If I'm there she tend to step in and override me on stuff as my DD will go to her over me as she's more 'fun'.

You are entirely overthinking this. It is absolutely normal for a grandparent to have alone time with their grandchildren. Would be odd for them not to.

@oceany

My mother is like this, it's not normal and it's not OK. I'm fine with an afternoon a week with Granny, but it got ridiculous with her trying to push me out. Taking 'firsts' off me, e.g. tried to do first day at school without me! bringing kids back late, popping round all the time trying to take kids out, buying things I'd asked her not to, trying to manipulate kids into saying they loved her more.

I tried so hard to be understanding, bit my tongue, tried to compromise, but at the end it was getting ridiculous and she wouldn't stop or listen, that I ended up massively reducing contact.

Everyone says, 'I'd love my kids to having loving involved grandparents'. You know what? So would I. As evidenced by this thread, unless someone has difficult parents themselves they really struggle to understand.

There is nothing in the OP to signpost OP's DM doing any of those excessive things

It's different having them on your own. I don't recreate how it was with my children but enjoy my grandchild and being a grandma. We just play and play. No distractions. There's a lot of extra stuff a parent has to do. Grand parenting is a time you get to do just the best bits. I love being together with my daughter as well but treasure my time with my grandson, I'm very lucky.

I understand your discomfort.

Sadly a number of mums seem to treat their kids like their possession and their parents like baby sitters who should be there to help whenever they need it but never want to spend time with their grandkids at any other time.

It's not really babysitting as such, because I still have to drop them off and pick them up, so it isn't really the favour it might seem.

It's not really babysitting as such, because I still have to drop them off and pick them up, so it isn't really the favour it might seem.

Then don't do it half as much.

Bit of training to get your point across.

'Oh no mum, sorry I'll bring them next week. I'm a bit busy - it would be nice to see you with them but you just want to shoo me away and play mummy, haha - not much in it for me doing that every five minutes! I get that you want to see them for me-time but if I'm never welcome to chill out with you too then it's going to be less often, isn't it?'

I think if your mum is pushing you away, then that's odd.

My parents used to want to see me as well.

Ok, I lived away & they visited once a week, but we would enjoy the time together, or I might take the chance to do something by myself whilst they took the kids to the park for an hr or two.

But if I also wanted to go, that wasn't an issue.

Plus they would be watching/entertaining the kids so still less stress for me!

Children behave very differently when their parents aren't around.

It's why the playscheme I run never has parent helpers in their own child's group on trips. Same with several schools I worked in.

Unless there are concerns about safety or taking over then children with good Grandparents should be allowed to have time with them without parents. It is a wonderful bond when it's available

I find people who are intense or insistent about having their grandchildren/nieces or nephews or whatever alone really weird. I know sometimes it’s nice to have some time alone, they can feel a bit more chilled without mum watching, but when people are really intense about it then it’s very off putting.