To think my mum is using my children to go back in time

[SerendipitySunshine]

This probably sounds a bit strange, but now lockdown is relaxing, this issue has returned. My mum is obsessed with taking my two daughters out without me, and 'playing house'. I couldn't put my finger on it before, but I've started to think she wants to recreate the time when me and my sister were small. Since they were born shes been really keen to have 'alone time' with them and makes a fuss if I am there too. We get on well usually, and i know she likes spending time with me, so why is she so desperate for alone time with my girls?

@SerendipitySunshine

I'm with you on this one. It seems over-controlling of your Mum and over the top. You are not overthinking it.

It is a bit weird - does she not have much in her own life?

Do you not have a good relationship with your mother op?

My parents have asked to have my DD overnight, I don't think there is alternative motives? Just grandparents wanting spend special time with their grandkids.

OP your kids are so lucky to have a Granny to make memories with. My mum died when my DD was very young, I am so sad for her that she missed out on that relationship.

Seems normal to me. My MIL likes spending time with my boys alone.

Fantastic for us to be honest! I don’t really see an objection here.

Don't all grandparents do this?

Certainly my dads parents did it with my sister and I (which is ironic, because dad says they never seemed to have any time for HIM growing up).

It's a bit different for my 2 DCs. My parents live quite locally and help out with some child care once a week, so they've always had the kids on their own at different times. And their paternal grandparents live a good 2 hours drive away, are separated, with new partners, and don't seem overly interested in the children. DHs dad, I suspect, would like to be more involved in the day to day, but still works full time as a doctor. DHs mum is flaky and unreliable to a fairly significant degree, so neither of us are comfortable about her having the DCs without us there.

Is your Mothers attitude to you off OP?
Mine would insist on alone time with an unpleasant attitude to me-shoo me away, nit wanted etc
Eventually as DD got older she would undermine me, teach DD to say nasty things.
Had to pull back majorly
If you feel " its off" listen to your instincts.
It should be loving but also with respect and care to you ie pleased to help and give you a break.

If she is reliable and trustworthy, and the kids want to, I fail to see what the problem is. If any of our parebts lived in UK, I would be chuffed to do this, and get some proper couple time. Especially after this coronavirus doodah. We crave some time alone.

Sounds normal enough to me.

My grandmother bought girly old fashioned dresses with sashes and petticoats and used to dress me up in clothes I only wore with her and then change me back into my normal clothes and take the pink ribbon out of my hair before I was picked up so that my parents wouldn't know.

My other grandmother unilaterally cut me in a terrible ear to ear fringe. She was not, and has never been, a hairdresser. My mum took me to get it blended in ASAP but it took years to grow that "front bowl" out.

I don't think either of these things are normal or acceptable, although I understand why a mother of sons might want to do the top one.

I am who I am in all circumstances. Work me and mum me and friend me are all the same person.

Wanting someone to be absent so she can pretend things are different is weird. And possibly not good for the children. Do they want to play her game? What happens when they don't?

My grandmother was sad but gracious when I told her that I chose what I wore and I didn't want her to dress me up like a dolly anymore. (I was 7)

Kind of know what you mean OP. Both my children’s grandmothers looked after them from time to time when they were small. One seemed very much in the grandma role, the other more like playing dollies. It’s hard to explain but it just seemed that way to me.

OP, you are definitely overthinking this! She's just being a normal granny.

Do you have any concerns about their safety or welfare when they're with your mum?

If not, make the most of it, weird or not!

My mum’s the same. Obviously she can’t do much with him while she’s shielding but she is making plans to take him on trips / to the playground. Has also asked me for my baby ice lolly recipies so she has a stash for him. He’s only 6 mo!

I see your point OP. I would find it a bit odd if my df or dsm wanted my dc without me alot. Why? I get that it chnges to dynamic but if also feels a bit odd.

I agree with @instantmango above. Something about the way your mil is doing this doesn’t sit right with you. Maybe she’s making you feel undermined, or forgetting your the parent, or is being too greedy, or making decesions on your behalf? Also, she shoos you away rather than including you. Is she demanding them, rather than asking, and even if you have plans, insists she has them regardless?

*changes the dynamic

She's their grandma, it's brilliant having little ones around and my dgd so reminds me of her dad/ ds1 when he was little. It's lovely experiencing this, and you can give them back, best of both worlds.

Do you not want them to have a relationship that doesn't include you, every now and then?
Do you not relish a bit of peace and quiet, I don't see your problem either.

I was just saying to dh last night, it seems like we have come full circle and back to the days where we had little responsibility, when we had just met. Now, in our 50's most dc have left home now, and we can be irresponsible again.

makes a fuss if I am there too

Not ok.

Fine to want to take them out alone, do some stuff alone, enjoy one on one time with them. Show irritation when their mum is there and 'shoo' her away? FUCK RIGHT OFF.

I'd be telling her that you get that she likes having some alone time, but if she's going to act irritated that you, their mum, are there and parenting your own children when you want to, then you'll visit a lot less because it's rude, bad for your kids to see you undermined, and frankly over the line from 'enjoying one on one time' to 'wanting to pretend she's mummy'.

You are so lucky op, your mum is building your DD the best childhood memories.

Sounds fine to me and I'd be cheddarded to have some peace and quiet alone to rest or get on with housework or something.

My DM never has DD for me to socialise/have a rest or anything, but she has her one day a week whilst I work, which I feel so so grateful for. And she does extra sometimes where illness of DD/me/DH is involved. Also supported us a lot in the early months of her birth when I was struggling with PND and anxiety and physical pain. As they spend a lot of regular time alone together they have a very close bond. I don't think too many people can love a child (or anyone!). Ive never been particularly close to any of my grandparents as one set lived overseas and we would see them once a year or less and there were some issues with language barriers, and the other set lived a few hrs drive away and we would only see a few times a year and one of those was severely disabled so couldn't play an active role in our lives. DH otoh was very very close to his DGM who passed away when he was a teenager. So both of us are keen for our children to have close relationships with GPs where possible.

but it’s incredibly odd to insist on having your grandchildren alone without their parents consistently. Why do that?
Because act different when their mum is around. Because they don't want to feel everything they do and say is being scrutinised.

I think the opposite is odd. Why would parents have an issue wit leaving their kids with their grandparents unless there were genuine concerns?

It is lovely if kids and grandparents can spend some time together without the parents around - it really forges a deeper bond. And grandparents have a different relationship with grandchildren than parents do, and that relationship can be so special and important to children if it is a positive one.

I'm sure many of us have very special memories of shopping trips/ cooking/ gardening/ chatting to grandparents when it was just us and them. That are really significant to us. Grandparents can often give much more focused individual attention to their grandchildren than busy parents can, and it is often a simpler relationship without the parental anxiety most of us have.

So I think it can be such a special thing to let your child have- a close bond with a grandparent, separate from you. It is selfless to step back and accept this doesn't involve you.

I'd go given a step further and say its lovely if grandparents can spend time individually with each grandchild.
I try to do that with my own children in fact. One on one creates a different dynamic than the group of us, and is often much more intense and memorable.

Definitely go with your gut feeling. My mother is just fantastic. However she’d never make me feel in the way, even though I’m sure she’s dying to just with the grandkids herself. That is what makes her such a good granny, she is so respectful, and also takes the time to know what I do as a parent and makes sure she never undermines me. So because of that we all feel so trusting of her, and she has loads of time with our kids!

My MIL has no respect for me, totally disregards normal safety and supervision, puts me down in front of my DS, feeds them half a tonne of chocolate and gets really irate when DS has a meltdown. She blames me. So I don’t like leaving her alone with DS at all.

What do teh girls say, how old are they?
If they love going with Gran I wouldn't worry unless she is buying them stuff always.

We only had my mum living anywhere nearby when I was growing up, so we didn't have time on my own with anyone else.

The chances are your mum found this quite hard when you were very little, having no-one to leave you and your sister with so she could have some time to herself. She probably thinks she is giving you a break (she is) and having a wonderful time with her granddaughters whilst she’s about it.

There’s no problem here that I can see.