To think my mum is using my children to go back in time

[SerendipitySunshine]

This probably sounds a bit strange, but now lockdown is relaxing, this issue has returned. My mum is obsessed with taking my two daughters out without me, and 'playing house'. I couldn't put my finger on it before, but I've started to think she wants to recreate the time when me and my sister were small. Since they were born shes been really keen to have 'alone time' with them and makes a fuss if I am there too. We get on well usually, and i know she likes spending time with me, so why is she so desperate for alone time with my girls?

I already look forward to hopefully having grandchildren one day because I love my daughter so much. She has a relationship with them that is separate from her relationship to you.

I get it OP. I never went to grandparents on my own as a child as DM would always be there as well but my DM is now always wanting time with DD on her own. I think what annoys me is that, when I am there, I am not in charge....she totally takes over. Bringing extra food in case I've forgotten to bring any for DD, deciding what we will do even if we've already got a plan, ignoring my timescales and ensuring that we leave for home much later than I intended. And that's when I'm there! When I'm not there she ramps it up even more, and will often drop her back late, feed her dinner even though I'm at home cooking it, and go off on days out that deliberately run over by hours. She has even picked DD up from school early without my permission. I find it really irritating and am now really trying to mark my authority when we are all together and restricting her alone time as she is unable to respect my position as mum to my DD.

She's enjoying her grandchildren I don't find it strange. Don't see a problem with her wanting to relive a special time in her life.

I think you are definitely overthinking it and I'm not a grandparent.
A lot if my friends are grandparents to children under 19 years old and they spend a decent and regular chunk of time with the grand kids even taking them away to caravan parks for weekends and for a week or two to their villas in Italy and France.
As a result they have a good bond and family connection with them.
We were the same when we were kids. It was different if mum was around. It was like a family visit then but without mum we dud different stuff like baking with nan or playing board games or gardening.
It was brilliant.
Nan's were there to have secret treats. Nothing bad, just little indulgence that we were knew were special, such as biscuits for supper for example.

@Katnissk I don't demand alone time with dgs ever (my dd is not somebody who would put up with demands) but I do occasionally offer. So I had him for a couple of hours yesterday because the heat had disrupted his sleep and dd looked shattered. I thought she could do with a break and a rest. The time before that dd asked me to have him so she could meet up with a friend. I hope to have the same sort of relationship with dgs that I had with my GPs and hopefully can be a support to my dd.

I love alone time with my GD.

When we see her with her parents, I talk to them too, make drinks and such. It’s a family social occasion.

When I am alone with GD, my attention is hers and hers alone, we read, sing, talk in silly voices etc.

It’s totally different time & both have their place in my life.

A lot if my friends are grandparents to children under 19 years old
I meant under 10!!!

@Harrykanesrightsock

Just to add, she took my DCs to photoshoots without telling me and both their first hair cuts, she kept matching outfits at her house and changed them after i had left. For a long time I distanced us all from her because it became really full on. She would often call herself 'mummy' to them and say Ooops slip of the tongue.

Gosh that’s too far. The hair cut part would of caused a major fall out.

I think my dd dreaming about time I can take beloved dc mind it would go against the grain to do a first time thing - that's parents joy & ours I hope to share!

When I was a child, my parents had moved 3 hours away from where we grew up. On visits back for long weekends, my would often make plans to see their own friends for an afternoon etc and leave us with grandma & grandad, we loved it.

Last time I visited my parents, dad took DS off riding buses round town (this is a desperately sought after activity for DS ) and mum took DD out for a walk in the pram while I fixed a computer problem they had.

It's normal to occasionally leave children in the care of a grandparent, I wouldnt do it much with babies between 6m & 18m when separation anxiety can mean it's simply not nice for the child, but for a child its nice. DS goes on and on about grandads buses!

I think this seems like boundary issues.

Yes Grandparents may well enjoy spending time with their Grandchildren, and may even enjoy time alone without the parents. But to get such time should be seen as a privilege, not a right. And sometimes it is not appropriate - and that may not be because the Grandparents have done something wrong - sometimes they may be frailer than they realise, sometimes the grandchild might not enjoy it/want it, and so on.
I would hope to be able to offer to have my Grandchildren when/if I have some, but it wouldn't be my right to demand or even pester for that.

As a child I lived with my Grandmother, and she rarely spent much time alone with just me - as it would often end in tears if she did. My Aunt spent a lot of time hinting that I should go for a sleepover at her house - I never saw the point and it never happened (I went on Guide Camps and school holidays, no problem).

OP I suggest you find some alone time with just your mother and explain that its not going to happen - or give her an (conservative) estimate of how frequently you will agree.

That level of interest never seems to extend in to tween or teenage years, does it? Its funny that once children are less maleable, they become less interesting for some family members.

More likely the teenagers have their own friends and are not as interested in going out with gp.

I love having my gc on their own.My relationship to them is different.I dont like the way its implied here that we are pedos for wanting time alone with gc.

Its importnat to the kids as well as us.No harm in having an extra set of hands if something ever comes up.At least the kids are used to us,makes it easier on the parents to get time alone.

I get it OP. My DM keeps asking to take DS on a pram walk alone, I don't really get it and haven't let her so far (although to be fair we haven't seen her since lockdown started so this was before). She says it's different when you have them alone. I guess because when you're there too the kids always turn to you, or you and DM talk rather than her whole attention being on the kids?

She's also asked me what age he can stay overnight or for the weekend alone. They live 6 hours away so not at all keen.

Are you feeling a bit jealous of the attention she wants to give them, or that your children may develop their own relationship with their grandparent separately from you?

I think it's perfectly fine that grandparents might want to spend quality time with their grandchildren, not necessarily with their children in tow. My own mother has passed away but my in-laws have been involved with my kids' upbringing since they were little. The children visit every few weeks and as the grandparents live in a different city, they sleep over and stay the weekend. Therefore, alone time without us grew from that. We haven't always agreed on some minor issues re childcare e.g. sugar, tea, some outdated gender roles but in general I trust them and know they love the kids very much. It's a blessing they actually want to spend time with our children because I never knew my own grandparents and I would like my children to have a good relationship with theirs, and they do. So many happy times. They love visiting them, and my partner and I have enjoyed our childfree weekends. I think the grands love getting to relive their golden days and have children and laughter in the house; apparently it keeps them young haha! And I'm sure they are also happy to give them back to us when the weekend is over!! It builds more of a closer family bond for everyone concerned and on the whole, a really positive thing. I know it isn't for everyone but I have found it a blessing, even though in the early days when the children were younger I got a bit irritated a few times over parenting. Now years have passed and the children are older, and more able to advocate for themselves, they're just family members who love to see each other.

I know the children have also got some wonderful childhood memories of places and happy times they've shared (with us all together as well as just with the grands). I think of it as another source of support - they have given my kids so much in terms of experiences, places, presents, books, opportunities etc that we alone as parents could not have done ourselves. They just have more people who love them, in their lives.

But to get such time should be seen as a privilege, not a right

I’m sure my mum always saw it as a privilege. I saw it as an absolute godsend. Why would anyone not want a bit of childfree time?

Sounds lovely. Wish we had parents who provided any sort of childcare/play!! Lots of presents, zero actually help

My Dd is an adult now and I look forward to the day she has kids (if she does) so I can take them out on day trips to the zoo and stuff. I miss doing that sort of stuff, which I used to do with Dd when she was little.

@SerendipitySunshine

It's not really babysitting as such, because I still have to drop them off and pick them up, so it isn't really the favour it might seem.

If she wants to see them that badly, surely she'd collect them and drop them off?

Otherwise, she can visit you for a couple of hours instead.

Why on earth is it weird for Grandparents to spend time alone with their Grandkids??? Honestly some parents are just insecure and prone to "smother love" me thinks.

Wish mine would do this. I always have to be there because she can't bare to do anything 'on her own' even though the children are there!

Being shooed away would be annoying though, there's no need for that.

Spending time with grandparents, was amazing growing up, we used to stay overnight all the time. I really don’t get the problem and it’s definitely not weird

Not sure if this applies to your kids but a lot of them play up more when mum's around. Either way I think you should be thanking your lucky stars that your mum is happy to have both your children alone. Mine only liked to have one of one at a time and I was grateful for that!

Well i suppose @SerendipitySunshine just stop her seeing them.Problem solved

She's probably not shooing you away, she's just trying to give you a break. 😊

I always encouraged a good independent relationship between my DC and my parents. In an ever changing world it's good and healthy for them to have quality relationships with a number of trusted adults.