To think my mum is using my children to go back in time

[SerendipitySunshine]

This probably sounds a bit strange, but now lockdown is relaxing, this issue has returned. My mum is obsessed with taking my two daughters out without me, and 'playing house'. I couldn't put my finger on it before, but I've started to think she wants to recreate the time when me and my sister were small. Since they were born shes been really keen to have 'alone time' with them and makes a fuss if I am there too. We get on well usually, and i know she likes spending time with me, so why is she so desperate for alone time with my girls?

@SerenDippitty

Isn't being a grandparent like being a parent only without the bad bits?

I only have one grandson and unlikely to have anymore but I am so glad that dd believes the more people who love dgs the better so she is happy for me to spend time alone with him. She has also planned which of the baking and crafts I did with her I will do with him and she doesn't mind if I spoil him with toys or outfits either. I consider myself very lucky and think dgs will be a happy boy for knowing he is loved by so many.

missyB1

Im dreading being a granny sometimes with whats on here

I totally hear you! In all likelihood I will be a granny in the next 5 years, I just hope my boys don't turn into paranoid weirdos when the babies start arriving!

i honestly think though that a lot of it on here is just entitled arrogant behaviour. It's like "right mum and dad I've had everything off you, and you did every thing for me but I've got my own family now so you can bugger off. I don't have any use for you anymore - Oh until we need a babysitter of course!"

exactly 🤣 I'm the same and have older children too that could produce at any moment 😱

Has OP come back?

YABU. So what if she is nostalgic?

My MIL is the same. She wants to be there for all the nice bits and takes over all occasions with a over the top singing, photos and decorating.
I find it suffocating as I can never do what I want.
I often feel she’s living through my child as she didn’t do it with her own. So annoying

My MIL is the same. She wants to be there for all the nice bits and takes over all occasions with a over the top singing, photos and decorating.
I find it suffocating as I can never do what I want.
I often feel she’s living through my child as she didn’t do it with her own. So annoying.

Yep, can totally relate with my MIL. Only sees my daughter four or fives a year but expects it all to be about her, then spends the day bellowing my daughter's name in her face continually because she doesn't really know her and doesn't bother to listen to her to get to know her. Told us off for putting her granddaughter in themed outfits when she was a baby (halloween/Christmas baby grow type thing) - we ignored her. She's bought her outfits specifically for occasions (birthday/christmas/parties) -we'd generally already got something for the occasions and ignored her. The outfits get worn, but when I want my daughter to wear them or she, wants to wear them herself. She's only so bothered because she's a girl after a long line of boys and treats my daughter like an accessory, rather than a human being with tastes and wants of her own.

My mum on the other hand spends a lot of time with us and my daughter on her own. She loves doing all the things we did when I was small and knows her personality and what interests her. It's really lovely to see the relationship between them. I was very lucky to have a hands on mum who encouraged my interests and she's just the same with my daughter. I want my daughter to have another adult outside of our home that she trusts and loves.

The first haircut thing would annoy me, but other than that I agree with the others. My parents are amazing and we are close, but I know they love having my boys to themselves. It's just a different dynamic without having to pass every idea by me. I think it's great they want to bond with my kids that way. It's a gift to my sons to have that relationship with them.

Maybe your mum finds it easier emotionally and mentally to deal with a) young children or b) maximum 2 people other than herself at one time? Even c) the children respond better to one person being ‘in charge/in control’ at a time?

She's a grandparent, she probably missed them, not having seen them for a few months during lockdown and thinks you'd like a break from the kids as you'll have had them all the time. She probably thinks she's doing you a favour too. My mum was desperately bored and wanting to take my kids off my hands, knowing we were working all day and trying to home school ours. As a retired teacher with time on her hands she thought she'd be able to help us out as well as keeping busy and seeing her grandchildren. Plus for us, she has a much bigger garden, a big conservatory and separate loos.

I felt like this with my MIL
I think it’s just that when I’m there they turn to me for everything and she wanted a bit of that. To feel needed.

Ps it always used to irk me when she asked if I “wanted a break” I seemed to take it as a personal affront. But I was just being sensitive 😂

As any teacher or babysitters can tell you, Kids behave differently when their parents are around. It’s almost always easier to look after them with mum around. I’m sure many many grandparents prefer to see their grandkids alone. It definitely doesn’t mean she’s living in the past. It’s definitely not weird.

I mean much easier to look after them without mum!

My MIL always complains if I ask her to look after my two. Equally the children don't like her going to them as she doesn't let them watch TV or play on any electronics but only with the toys that were the husband's years ago! I would love for them to want to go and for her to not complain about having them!

I was quite defensive when my mum did this.

To be honest, we have a difficult relationship as we are very different people, but I think that she was quite overbearing when I first had DD and that coloured it. Examples:

• telling me I would need her to bail me out before I had DD

• rubbishing my parenting style/desire for my daughter to have a routine

• waiting until I was in the shower and taking my daughter out for a walk of unspecified duration (my husband didn't stop my parents as he is a conflict avoider) when my DD was just a few days old. They knew that I didn't want them to do it and waited until I was showering

• never asking my opinions on anything

• leaving on me to wean early so that they could feed her her first food

• telling me what great parents they were to me and my sister at every opportunity.

I love my parents dearly, but they are totally deaf and, with the hormones flowing post birth I actively hated them being around!! Now my DD is 2 they are a bit more chilled out and are not quite so manic about making sure that my DD remembers them and considers them her favourite people at every fucking opportunity, so I am totally happy for them to take DD out for walks/trips etc when they are staying. I still find them a bit weird, in that my mum is desperate to engineer a situation where she can babysit DD and then DD wants to sleep in her bed overnight, like we did on occasion as kids. It is unlikely to happen as they live in another country, so it is either them staying with us or us with them, so even if they babysit for the night we would come back to the same house and would expect to deal with her ourselves iyswim. Plus my dad sleeps naked and I find that idea a bit odd. Maybe I am unreasonable!

Both my Mum and my MIL had no desire to have alone time with our kids until they were about 10 and they could stay over. My Mum liked to take the children out for a walk when they were in their prams but not after that. Neither of them wanted the responsibility

It's a couple of things:

1. it's a totally different dynamic when you're there, the kids behave differently and she can't have their undivided attention.

2. she probably spoils them and doesn't want you to see the full extent.

3. she treats them (in your opinion) better than you and doesn't want to be judged for it.

When I was a kid, spending time with my Granparents (or more usually Grandparent) alone was quite different than when it was Grandparent(s), plus my parents and me.

For example, I used to get up early (my parents were late sleepers) and spend time, just me and my Nana, it was lovely and we used to play make believe. Then I used to get up super early and go out fishing with my Grandfather. We used to come back, clean the fish and play cards.

Both of these times were really special to me, and were quite different from time spent with Grandad, Nana, Mum and Dad together, where the focus and conversation tended to be mostly between the adults. I still remember the times I enjoyed with my grandparents alone fondly 35 years later. And I learned loads about their lives in the time I spent with them which I otherwise would never have known.

I think it's like anything else, you need a balance of the two, and unless you're concerned about your mum spending time with her grandkids alone, I think it's a good thing.

Maybe to have some quality time with her grandkids 🤷‍♀️ or maybe so u can have a some time to yourself

I agree with Frazzledasarock.

If it's weirding you out, tell her you're not happy with the sort of arrangement she seems to want.

Unbelievable how many parents here seem too eager to be free of their kids and find all this normal. It is not normal! And why have children if you're so desperate for the grandparents to take them out of your sight? Appalling imo.

Why are her feelings more important than yours? Who cares if other posters think it’s lovely, it’s your call. I would feel a bit ticked off too.

It is not normal

It really is.

I feel like you must be missing something out of the OP. Why would this bother you? Do you feel a bit rejected? Or is she not wanting to see you at all? What you’ve described sounds normal unless she’s being rude to you when she asks you to leave them. I can’t work out why you are upset?