To think my mum is using my children to go back in time

[SerendipitySunshine]

This probably sounds a bit strange, but now lockdown is relaxing, this issue has returned. My mum is obsessed with taking my two daughters out without me, and 'playing house'. I couldn't put my finger on it before, but I've started to think she wants to recreate the time when me and my sister were small. Since they were born shes been really keen to have 'alone time' with them and makes a fuss if I am there too. We get on well usually, and i know she likes spending time with me, so why is she so desperate for alone time with my girls?

I know exactly what you mean, op. You're not overthinking, imo.

My mum used to make me feel like a spare part. My mil never did - she was great.

My guess is that if you haven't had a difficult mother, you just won't get it.

My children spent hours playing hopscotch games chalked into the drive with their grandmopther and her sister, they loved it. Why are modern parents so possessive of their children? It doesn't mean that you love them less if they spend time with other family members, it means that they see themselves as a part of a larger group than just their 'little family'.

Like I say, some people can't understand.

I don't see a problem with what your mum is doing. Why do you have to be there all the time? Grandparent relationship is different and she needs time with her grandchildren - and they with her - if a relationship is to be made.

Doesn't mean that you can never be there but respect her time with her grandchildren - and theirs with her.

Yeah my mum does this with all 3bof my DDs. I love it and am extremely grateful!

"'Oh no mum, sorry I'll bring them next week. I'm a bit busy - it would be nice to see you with them but you just want to shoo me away and play mummy, haha - not much in it for me doing that every five minutes! I get that you want to see them for me-time but if I'm never welcome to chill out with you too then it's going to be less often, isn't it?'"

Good god how horribly passive aggressive. OP says she has a close relationship with her mum so I'm sure she could say :

I've noticed you like to have dc to yourself sometimes. I was just curious about why.

Or :

Sometimes, would you be able to pick dc up from my house so that I can have a little break?

Grandparents spoil children in the way they never spoilt their own children. Harder to do when disciplinarian parents are about.
Let’s say it wasn’t just that and she is trying to ‘mother them, what’s wrong with that? If you feel it was good enough for you, why not your children. She is not going to take them from you. Sounds like you are being possessive, almost irrational. Not criticising, just an observation.

So you feel a bit more like the hired help/cleaner/wet nurse rather than the parent?

So much projection on this thread. Where did OP even suggest that her mother wanted to 'play mummy'?

Best that those of you who think this just clutch your children to your bosom and never let them out of your sight. They'll be off like bullets as soon as they can get free of that cloying behaviour.

Depends a lot on their ages. If they are over 6 then say thanks and disappear for the day. If they are younger or babies then just do what makes you comfortable.

There have been loads of similar threads in MN over the years and usually it’s the Mother or MIL wanting to take tiny babies on their own so they can feed them ‘properly’ and parade them around their friends’ houses.

I think that is lovely and gives your kids someone else to go to if needed - a back up - that is for me what being a grandparent is about. I would actively encourage it but also say to your Mum you would like some of the time to be all off you - maybe if she does baking with them you have tea round there or you ask her to come along to an outing to a farm or museum etc

It's not OP that I'm talking about, it's the responses from other posters.

Everybody's relationship is different though and we all overlay our own thoughts and feelings onto any given situation, so understandable really. But very sad reading some of the posts.

I love spending time with my grandchildren without a parent. It is very special. I also love spending time with my dd without the children. The dynamic changes if the three generations are all there. If dd is with me and her dc then she is very much in charge of what the children do. If we two are together it is two adults. I couldn’t play silly role play games with a grown up audience eg auctioning a toy helicopter to a duck and a monkey payment in LEGO bricks...see you don’t get it do you?

I was virtually co parented by my GM! Mum worked 9 to 4 (unusual in the 60s) and I would go to their house W/E ,and after School a couple of times a week. Lived in London then, and took DM an hour or so commute.Loved playing in their Aviary that no longer had any birds ,but me and my dollies and our tea set! Afternoons out as well .I think you would be envied on here TBH! Enjoy the break ,watch a film., see a friend just chill!

My grandparents and particularly my Granddad was like this when my brother, my cousins and I were young. He had a tough childhood and worked very hard to support his own children in a intense career.

He had a childhood when he had his grandchildren. He never resented my parents or aunts and uncles being with us but did not have as much fun. For example he would push us on the swing when our parents were there but if we were on our own with he he would go on the swings or go down the slide.

That level of interest never seems to extend in to tween or teenage years, does it? Its funny that once children are less maleable, they become less interesting for some family members.

@MoreSchnitzelPlease

That level of interest never seems to extend in to tween or teenage years, does it? Its funny that once children are less maleable, they become less interesting for some family members.

That's not the case everywhere. My teens still spend time with Grandparents. As do most of the teens I know.

The reduction in time with GPs that I've seen has all been driven by the kids having busier social lives and having better (in their eyes) things to do than hang out with Granny

I love leaving my DD with my mum, as I know what a wonderful mum she was to me, and I know my DD will get the same treatment. If my mum wants to relive the past while she's doing it then why not. It gives my DD a different more traditional experience of being cared for - they go to the park with boiled eggs and rolls for picnics and look for fairies. I rarely had time to do that with my DD and remember how magical it was from when I was little. I know that when I'm a grandma I will love going out with a little one in a pushchair again.

A lot of people aren't lucky enough to have grandparents so involved, or even alive. Just be grateful that you get some alone time.

Maybe she’s offering you some time to do your own thing. Enjoy it.

My family drop off their grand kids and run.......... they use it as time to crack on doing things that little children make difficult. Occasionally they may come along, but rarely.

I get you OP

It feels odd to be suddenly pushed out and unwanted in favour of your children. Like you’re a second class citizen to your mother/inlaws.

I’m constantly surprised by how often grandparents only want the children but rarely the adult offspring

@TakemedowntoPotatoCity

A lot of people aren't lucky enough to have grandparents so involved, or even alive. Just be grateful that you get some alone time.

Don’t guilt her for her feelings.

That’s gross

I think you are overthinking providing that you have a good relationship with your mother.

I'd find it upsetting if my parents said we're wanting to go on lots of lovely days out with the GDC but do you mind not coming, thanks. I'd find it weird and offensive... but I'm a single parent, boys are hyperactive little terrors, and taking them out on my own (they're 3 and 7) is extremely hard work, so us all going together and sharing the supervision is the only way it works for a decent time really!