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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To miss my good looks.

207 replies

lovelifehope · 27/06/2020 22:43

I know it’s shallow in the big scheme of things, but I cant help the way I feel. Good looks fade so quick, aibu to mourne their loss? Sometimes I feel invisible.Anyone else feel the same?

OP posts:
reinacorriendo · 28/06/2020 11:31

Let’s not forget there’s lots of men that we’d show the door, they don’t want sex with us and we certainly don’t want sex with them, I’d rather read a book with a cuppa, expectations of women seem to be high yet they can walk round with beer gut, Union Jack shorts and receding hairline expecting to pull a woman that’s spent the last 2 weeks planning an outfit worried about every aspect of her appearance.

Life is more than a shag

TheId · 28/06/2020 11:34

Sadly the ability to pull on a night out as an average looking woman does not do much for self esteem in my experience. I could usually get a man but not the ones I actually wanted or not for an actual relationship.
Knowing that you are good enough for a shag with a random guy but not good enough to have a relationship with guys you really like does not boost your self esteem (from someone who has been there and tried that)

maddiemookins16mum · 28/06/2020 11:39

Yep, I miss my chin and cheek bones, last seen 1998.

TheId · 28/06/2020 11:40

I think the answer is that we collectively as a society need to stop giving women the message that they are only valued for their looks in a way that does not apply to men.

Taking care of yourself, staying healthy, choosing clothes and make up that flatter or are fashionable/ express your personality yes but just happening to looks certain way shouldn't be valued so much.

I do try with my own daughter but it's amazing how often it just slips out and yet I almost never feel tempted to compliment my son on his looks (both look absolutely gorgeous to me :)

IcedPurple · 28/06/2020 11:42

Let’s not forget there’s lots of men that we’d show the door, they don’t want sex with us and we certainly don’t want sex with them, I’d rather read a book with a cuppa, expectations of women seem to be high yet they can walk round with beer gut, Union Jack shorts and receding hairline expecting to pull a woman that’s spent the last 2 weeks planning an outfit worried about every aspect of her appearance.

This.

And the difference gets even more extreme as we age. Despite the stereotypes, women tend to age much better than men. I know any number of well-groomed, stylish, attractive women in their 50s and above. I know hardly any men about whom I could say the same.

Doje · 28/06/2020 11:42

I miss my pre baby tummy, non saggy boobs and flat tummy. 😩

I'm early 40's and probably the fittest I've ever been, and I'm pretty happy with my appearance to be fair but those things I just can't change. I know it's just age, and my body's done amazing things carrying two kids, but.....

I also miss looking 'nice'. I used to dress with a style, and now I'm drawn to the mum wardrobe, due to lack of time I think. And I don't want to spend too much money on looking nice, because most of the time I'm at play groups or on bike rides with the kids.

madcatladyforever · 28/06/2020 11:46

People used to stop and look at me when I was young, I had blond waist length hair and could have been a model if I hadn't been so short.
I'm now 58 and definitely look it, plus piled on the weight in menopause.
Nobody looks any more and I couldn't care less.
Its a relief that people don't constantly judge me on my looks alone, now I can talk to people about my scientific research and my work and they are listening to me as a professional person instead of looking at my tits.
I found it infuriating.

madcatladyforever · 28/06/2020 11:47

When you are good looking all men treat you as a sexual being and not one that has a brain as well, I hated it. Being asexual didn't help.

SerenDippitty · 28/06/2020 11:51

And the difference gets even more extreme as we age. Despite the stereotypes, women tend to age much better than men. I know any number of well-groomed, stylish, attractive women in their 50s and above. I know hardly any men about whom I could say the same.

Men in TV the TV and film industry are allowed to age visibly. Women are not. And women meekly go along with this by having “work done”.

GrumpyHoonMain · 28/06/2020 11:52

Being slim, fit, and well groomed / dressed, really helps as you get older. Same as when you are younger really. People, especially women, often forget how much effort it took to look good - when I was younger I used to spend nearly 2 hours getting myself every morning. When I went out after work I’d spend another 2 hours getting ready. Considering we need to make more of an effort as we age we shouldn’t expect to look the same with far less effort.

Nearlyalmost50 · 28/06/2020 11:54

I do miss being effortlessly slim for sure, I ate what I liked til about my mid-thirties and my second child, and I've piled on the pounds (due to overeating, less exercise and medication) since then, and found it very hard to sustainably lose the weight.

I think slim can be a shorthand for 'attractive' in our society, I'm not sure I was amazingly good-looking, but if you are medium looking and slim, you do get a lot of positive societal attention, not just from men but women also.

The latest challenge for me in coming to terms with being older and not really hot at all is Zoom/Teams. God, it's hard looking at the dropped jawline for any length of time. However, I have much more confidence now and professionally I need to use videos/do podcasts all the time, so I just have to crack on. Lucky those who look good on Zoom/Teams, lots of young people look wonderful but being a skilled presenter is quite difficult and being interesting is hard, so in some ways I feel they are not completely advantaged. Being a (minor) expert in my area does give me confidence which makes up for the loss of good looks in later life!

GrumpyHoonMain · 28/06/2020 11:55

Men in TV the TV and film industry are allowed to age visibly. Women are not. And women meekly go along with this by having “work done”.

Things are improving. We are actually seeing female journalists who look their age on the BBC which is a good thing. Though we have a long way to go before a female 40 yo journo could rock up in ripped / stained clothes like Peston and still be taken seriously.

IcedPurple · 28/06/2020 11:56

The latest challenge for me in coming to terms with being older and not really hot at all is Zoom/Teams. God, it's hard looking at the dropped jawline for any length of time. However, I have much more confidence now and professionally I need to use videos/do podcasts all the time, so I just have to crack on.

Yes! Zoom is grim. I console myself by saying that most people look crap on Zoom, which is true but still, staring at your sagging jawline on a screen is a chastening experience!

Nearlyalmost50 · 28/06/2020 11:56

I also do wear make-up on Zoom/Teams in fairly hefty quantities. My husband once worked in TV and he said the presenters absolutely slap it on. So, I do that, and with a bit of fake tan, the overall effect is natural but reasonable. It is anything but natural, just like most women in the public eye which is why we mustn't be too harsh on ourselves that we don't look like most women in public, even they don't look like themselves with all the make-up/hair extensions/Botox/fillers and so forth.

Nearlyalmost50 · 28/06/2020 11:58

Mary Beard being the rather fabulous exception.

QuietlyWilting · 28/06/2020 12:11

God yes! I was thin, I didn't think I was pretty but looking at photos now I see I was. I always had people fancying me and chatting me up, which was a nice ego boost.
Now I am in my 50s, obese, saggy everything. I don't worry about people perving on me any more so that is nice (had a few weird incidents in my youth) but am completely invisible. And I guess if I ever do lose the weight I will have many more wrinkles to add to the mix. Waaah.
I mostly miss my lovely figure, I don't really mind about not being pretty, but I would hate to lose the confidence and self knowledge that I have now. I know who I am and who I want to be, which I didnt then.

ShebaShimmyShake · 28/06/2020 12:11

@IcedPurple

The latest challenge for me in coming to terms with being older and not really hot at all is Zoom/Teams. God, it's hard looking at the dropped jawline for any length of time. However, I have much more confidence now and professionally I need to use videos/do podcasts all the time, so I just have to crack on.

Yes! Zoom is grim. I console myself by saying that most people look crap on Zoom, which is true but still, staring at your sagging jawline on a screen is a chastening experience!

It's time to face the music...
To miss my good looks.
UltimateWednesday · 28/06/2020 12:15

For Zoom I have learned to put the lap top on a table and sit well back. Under no circumstances use a phone, or let the camera look upwards.

ItsSpittingEverybodyIn · 28/06/2020 12:19

I feel the same, I need glasses now which I don't like or suit, can't get along with contact lenses, 3 kids in quick succession gave me a saggy belly and separated stomach muscles, boobs are heading south, hair going grey, and I'm only 39. Even if I went hell for leather toning up, my belly will always be there as the skin is loose and full of stretch marks, my belly used to be so lovely!
I feel so old now especially since its summer and all the young girls are walking around in crop tops and tiny shorts.

welcometohell · 28/06/2020 12:26

I definitely used to 'turn heads' but it started to go downhill rapidly in my early thirties. Two kids who weren't great sleepers, an episode of PND that absolutely kicked my arse and a few years later I'm not hideous, but I'm not turning heads anymore either. I feel invisible as others have said.

It wasn't long ago I could go out bare-faced, hair washed, brushed but zero extra effort, in jeans and a t shirt and 'turn heads'. Now I need to think carefully about what I wear, do my make up properly and make an effort with my hair every day just to feel presentable. It's very sobering how quick that change has happened! Sleep deprivation is to blame IMO.

But I don't miss having to deal with the constant unsolicited, unwanted and at times aggressive sexual advances of men wherever I went. Being leered at, groped, shouted at, cars slowing down to crawl alongside me as I walked down the street, male colleagues constantly finding excuses to touch me, men pressing themselves up against me on really-not-that-crowded public transport. But most of all I don't miss the heartbreak of finding out that men I stupidly believed to be dear friends who loved me for my personality were actually just hoping that if they put in enough time in the 'friend zone' I'd eventually get drunk/sad/lonely enough to sleep with them. One or two turned downright nasty when it didn't go their way. Now at least I know full well who my friends are, and when male colleagues compliment my work or offer support I know it's because I'm valued and well-liked. I can also be friends with women without them constantly getting pissed off at me for their husbands/boyfriends flirting with me.

On balance, I think I prefer being invisible.

Babesinthewud · 28/06/2020 12:28

I think some men do age really well, but many of them don’t. Some lose their hair young and that changes their appearance. I think that must be really difficult as there’s not much they can do.

Also they can’t wear make up etc whereas women can and that can help women look more ‘attractive’.

I also think that beauty, even related to youth, is in the eye of the beholder. There are celebrities (that I won’t name as I don’t think it’s kind) that people would be obsessed by how ‘beautiful’ they were and I just couldn’t see it at all. I could see they were nice looking, but there are far more attractive women in the local high street imo.

Age isn’t kind to the vast majority, but I don’t always think youth trumps everything. You could get a very plain looking 24 year old and they wouldn’t be deemed as attractive as a very attractive 44 year old.

Pelleas · 28/06/2020 12:29

Inequality comes not because men age better than women - they don't - but because men are allowed by society to be old and/or ugly and still to be seen as 'presentable'. Look at the number of male actors and TV presenters who are old or overweight! There are far fewer women who fall into those categories, although I do agree things are slowly, very slowly improving.

However, it isn't only media that's to blame. It's a fact that women are far more ready to overlook physical defects in favour of other qualities in men. Sometimes this is in a really healthy way - a woman is attracted to intellect, sense of humour, shared interests and outlook. Sometimes it's in a less healthy way where it's a transaction exchanging money and status for a 'trophy' partner.

How often, being realistic, do you see a woman partnered with a man who is significantly more attractive than she is? Even age difference relationships where attractiveness is at a similar level are much less common with the woman as the older partner. But the sight of an ugly man with a beautiful woman is nothing unusual.

We need to work to change all this, but that won't happen if we try to pretend it doesn't happen - if we deny beauty privilege. It's so often the beautiful people who spout the 'looks don't matter' and 'beauty comes from the inside' rubbish. I remember, aged about 25, being patronisingly told this by the extremely attractive thirteen year old daughter of a stunning female acquaintance of mine - it was humiliating, especially as she meant well and had clearly had this drummed into her as a good and kind thing to preach (obviously it wasn't for me to disillusion a thirteen year old, I just smiled and nodded along).

But people need to listen to the lived experience of the unattractive, and not try to pretend that we live in an equal society in this respect. It's very much tied in with male privilege and frankly, it's rotten to the core.

Givingup123456 · 28/06/2020 12:31

İ haven't been admired. But at 28 with 4 kids i look exhausted and am exhausted. Also running a business with my DH all these things have haggered me! İ wouldn't say I look awful but I just look so tired. I am losing a bit of weight. Only wanted to lose 3 kilos and hoping to do it over a couple of months and want to tone up. My hair isn't going grey yet thank goodness i hope for a bit more time! But the bags under my eyes! Sad

Flyingagainstreason · 28/06/2020 12:57

Yes men with wrinkles and grey hair are seen as handsome and rugged! Look at piers brosnan
It’s totally down to society We think know that we as women are worth less as we age.

DollyDaydream70 · 28/06/2020 13:06

"Old age ain't no place for sissies"

Bette Davis

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