To miss my good looks.

[lovelifehope]

I know it’s shallow in the big scheme of things, but I cant help the way I feel. Good looks fade so quick, aibu to mourne their loss? Sometimes I feel invisible.Anyone else feel the same?

I feel exactly the same as you OP and I am also 41. I don't look awful but I can see the ageing happening in front of my eyes and I feel like I'm in some sort of grieving process for the person I recognise in the mirror. I almost feel like I've done sonething wrong, like it's a fault or a flaw and I haven't done enough to prevent it??? I know it happens to everyone eventually but it does make you feel so shit. My DH cheated on me around the time I turned 40 with somebody 3 years younger than me and that had not helped how I feel about myself one bit, like I'm past it and she is laughing at me because she will always be younger than I am. Logically I look in the mirror and I can see I am still pretty, but not in the same way and I end up despising myself. Even applying make up is different because the skin under my eyes creases up my make up after a few hours of wearing which it didn't used to, presumably because my skin is less taut. I don't judge anybody else for looking older ever, only myself.

I’m 50 and I feel invisible. It’s tough especially when you work in an environment full of young people. My husband loves me though. As much as it’s tough there’s an element of it being liberating. I always make the most of myself and have made sure that I’ve never let myself go. At the end of the day it will come to us all.

Anyway beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What we think is beautiful now isn't the same as 20 or 100 years ago and isn't the same all over the world. I once had an Asian lover who would have really liked me to be a bit fatter. Often high fashion models are in some ways a bit 'ugly' they often look striking rather than pretty. What I think is beautiful someone else might not. I think Latin looking people with dark colouring are the most beautiful rather than blond all American types but many would disagree.

It seem silly to set so much store by something so ephemeral. How can we get away from this? I try not to compliment my daughter on her looks but it is hard to get away from.

I worked with a woman who was really beautiful and her life was a lot more easy because of it. She was such a cruel, unfeeling person, so narcissistic. She is in her forties now and is still beautiful. I don't know how she will ever cope if her looks fade. I don't care either way because she is so ugly inside and can't figure out for the life of her why no-one can stand her and that included her male colleagues.

She once described to me dashing into her male colleagues office first thing Monday morning to "bagsy" it, putting all her stuff in there because he was not returning to work. He died suddenly the week before and she could not understand people cold shouldering her.

As for me, I am late fifties. Need a haircut but decided not to go as brutally short this time. I am a bit chubby but nothing half a stone could fix. But I have definitely lost my youthful prettiness. In my favour I could never see it and was always completely astonished when good looking men paid me attention. I always looked round to see who they were really looking at. As the say, youth is wasted on the young. Appreciate how lovely you are. I have two lovely dd's looks wise, one is kind and caring the other not so much. You should not prefer one over the other, but kindness wins any day.

I try not to compliment my daughter on her looks but it is hard to get away from.

I think it's healthier to compliment people on the parts of their looks over which they have control - a hairstyle, clothes or make up that suits them, for example, or if they have been exercising, that they look glowing and healthy or toned. Look at things that are non-ephemeral and not a matter of genetic good fortune.

This thread is so sad. I’m 40 and struggling with weight since I had my children, just can’t seem to shift it despite diets and exercise. Every time I get on the scales it’s gone up . I’ve been fat and thin throughout my life and the difference in men’s attitudes is stark. Being overweight means being ignored and sometimes actively being targeted with rude comments, which doesn’t happen when you’re thin. That’s my experience anyway.

I have found having children has meant I have no time or money to sort out my appearance and hoping when they’re older that will change but then I’ll be pushing 50. Where has the time gone?!

The thing I miss most is being able to buy and wear nice clothes rather than just what fits me and doesn’t make me look pregnant, two years after I had my last baby. Sigh.

I love that I am getting more invisible, because when I was more visible for being ugly and when you are young, people (male and female) feel entitled to be aggressive towards me and others like me for not being attractive. And before anyone make remarks about how "selfish" I am for not making the best of myself, I have tried and that gets aggression, too ,for having the temerity to think I might be worth it. In that case the aggression has most been from other women and girls.
Reading posts like OPs makes me feel sad about all the times I've heard this in RL, followed by "you're lucky, it won't bother you." This is the first time I've shared how much I like being more invisible, but I suppose that is their way of acknowledging that that sort of prejudice used to happen and not necessarily intended to hurt.
So I'm not saying you are unreasonable OP, but perhaps you can feel happy about having had good looks at all? And you are still probably more attractive than most other people, however you feel you are compared to the younger version of you.

Oh Lord I hear you! I've recently turned 50. My hair has thinned, I have lines around my eyes and mouth, I have a belly that I can hold in my hands like a piece of bread dough. I look of photo's of my younger self and realise that I was an attractive woman (didn't see it at the time, spent my younger years obsessing about my weight and starving myself into a size 8). I look at photo's of me now and I can hardly bear to look at them, I look like a different person.

The only thing that gets me through the ravages of the ageing process is to think of the alternative... I now have quite a few friends and family who didn't have the luxury of growing old, I'm thankful to still be here to enjoy my life :-)

I am 57 and I am grateful for the beauty I had when I was younger. I very much appreciate the help that it gave me in aspects of my career, but it was also upsetting to be constantly cat-called and leered at by men. I had to stop using the tube because of being touched by men in crowded places. I would only use the bus and sit near the conductor's platform.

Some years ago I was walking with my 14 year old DD and a group of men cat-called her as we went past a bar. It must have set off a trigger because I totally lost my shit with them and called them a bunch of paedophile arseholes.

I am now The Invisible Woman. A bit fat (actually quite a lot fat), jowly, and have decided to stop dyeing my hair. I know if I were to make a bit of effort, I could really improve the way I look, but I don't want to. My brain is the only bit I'm interested in.

DH thoughtless fucker once relayed to me word for word a conversation he’d had with a good friend who’s wife was struggling with loss of looks- she was petite and smiley and early years with little babies really took away her shine. He ruminated how I hadn’t had as much to lose so was coping fine 😬
That’s true to an extent but now at 50+ I’m coming into my own. Finally spot free 🤦🏻‍♀️ my skin is better than ever, I sleep well and thanks to genetics no wrinkles. I’m aware I’m in a short premenopausal window and I focus on being trim and muscly- good posture and moisturiser and teeth and finally not worrying about aging my skin through sunbathing so tanned too. I’m more comfortable in my skin than ever before.

I have occasional moments like this but remind myself that (as others have said), I look back on photos and think about how hard I was on myself when actually I looked OK. So have made a decision that I'm never going to look like this again so I might as well look on the bright side and enjoy it.

So I'm wearing shorts, a lot, and not giving a shit about the cellulite because frankly it's nothing to be embarrassed about. I go out with or without make up depending on how I feel. I'm buying clothes a size up or slightly baggier because they're a better fit rather than trying to get back in the old ones.

Fuck it, I'm getting older and it's better than the alternative - I'm not going to hide away or be miserable about it.

I even wear a BIKINI on holiday. If people don't like it, they can look the other way!

I’ve never eaten fat free, looking at friends who’ve restricted themselves for years it’s really taken its toil.
Any woman feeling invisible and not liking it- up your omega oils, push your shoulders back and polish your teeth.

@feelingfragile, “Fuck it, I'm getting older and it's better than the alternative - I'm not going to hide away or be miserable about it”
💪🏼 Amen to that!

I totally understand this and am amazed at how quick it happens. I’m 47 and in just a few short years I have started to feel so invisible. I have always had a good figure and had compliments on it, have been a size 8-10 all my adult life. As I approach menopause I am holding onto my figure by the skin of my teeth. It scares me to lose it, If/when I do I feel I will lose my whole identify.

Its really fascinating to read about people being stunning in their youth! Cant even imagine getting all that positive attention - must have been bloody wonderful! I'm well jealous!

"I even wear a BIKINI on holiday. If people don't like it, they can look the other way!"

@AmadaHoldensLips

✊ yup

I think I tricked a lot of people into thinking I was very pretty. I dressed as if I was, took a bit of time to learn to do my hair and makeup (it was pre kids, so much more time available, but it honestly doesn't take that long unless you're opting for super complex stuff), ate well and exercised as if I had a body worth maintaining, and just...acted as though I was confident that I looked nice. I fooled a lot of people, even myself.

I'm not ugly, but I'm not as pretty as I pretended to be. Still, it worked.

I never had any or at least I didn't think I did. I'm 50 now and feel more attractive than I ever did when young. Perhaps not in a getting stares from young men kind of way but I get compliments and people like me, i.e. they are attracted to me as a person.

I didn't realise at the time but I think I'm fortunate now, to know that my successes were nothing to do with my looks.

Whi was it who said when you're young you have the looks you were born with but as you get older you have the looks you deserve?. All the most attractive older women I know are really kind people.

And that's where I think we need to be more realistic. We can't convincingly say that 'looks don't matter' if at the same time we are telling children they are beautiful, even when they're not. And giving ugly people the simplistic message that looks don't matter is setting them up for disappointment - they need to know that the world is a harsher place if (to reduce this to its basic principle) not many people want to have sex with you. The message we give to young people needs to be more nuanced - emphasising the value and importance of other qualities while not denying the existence of beauty-privilege

@Pelleas

I absolutely agree with what you’re saying but it got me thinking-

If being an attractive woman equates to more men wanting to have sex with you (which would confirm to the woman that she is attractive)

I wonder if women who are not considered attractive, yet who have lots partners for sex (or always ‘pull’ on nights out) end up feeling more attractive, because of the fact lots of men have happily had sexual with them? I wonder if that’s boosts their self esteem and confirms they are attractive?

Brilliant attitude Sheba. I'm going to try to take it on for myself.
I'll not fool them but I'll fool myself and that's what I need
A fake it til you make it, if you will.

Amanda I really relate to your post. Recently lost 2 stone and look good for my age but at 45 I am not even in the zone for Male attention but I am glad though! But the attention my dds get sickens me. Dd2 is already conventionally attractive and gets cat calls at 12! Fortunate guns aren’t legal here I feel like going mad at these perves sometimes

School I was awful no boys were interested in me at all. Braces, fat, just horrid.

18-25 I lived, I turned heads and found myself.

Had 2 kids, still not great but I’ve lost weight now 12-14, suck it in pants Thanks 2 c sections!, good bra, hair done, make up on, I’m 36 this year, I still get looks which surprises me, I run a lot, am a bit flabby but have thighs/legs of steel haha, wouldn’t mind a tummy tuck, bit of Botox but I’m generally not too bad, I have a good sense of humour and I’m quite confident and also don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks which helps, when you ooze confidence it helps, people chat to me I’m quite approachable for some reason not sure why I generally have resting bitch face trying to save the wrinkles, quite happily chat to people. Embrace what you have.

I wonder if women who are not considered attractive, yet who have lots partners for sex (or always ‘pull’ on nights out) end up feeling more attractive, because of the fact lots of men have happily had sexual with them?

I'm not sure I have encountered that type of woman. In my younger days, I was the type very few men would risk being seen with, even for a one-night stand, because it would have made them a laughing stock. My few partners have been geeks and outcasts like me.

If you mean women who are 'average' looking (or only a shade the wrong side of it) I am sure some do achieve a sort of validation by getting notches on their bedpost. There's nothing wrong with a woman enjoying sex and having lots of partners (as long as she does it safely) but if that's her only form of validation, it will dry up eventually - there will come a point when she is simply not of sexual interest to the masses, due to her age, even if that's quite late on in life - so she would be advised to find other ways of developing a sense of self-worth.

All the most attractive older women I know are really kind people.

Exactly this.

But I'd go further and say that it's not just older women.

To me, beauty isn't about lots of people wanting to have sex with you, whatever age you are. I watch TV or read magazines, and see some people on things like Love Island. These women (and men) are supposedly sexually desirable - and seem to play to that role, but are actually unpleasant people and therefore not very attractive. People who are constantly angry hold their faces in a particularly way which makes them unattractive.

Beauty is not about people wanting time have sex with you, it's about your mind and soul, however old you are.