To miss my good looks.

[lovelifehope]

I know it’s shallow in the big scheme of things, but I cant help the way I feel. Good looks fade so quick, aibu to mourne their loss? Sometimes I feel invisible.Anyone else feel the same?

I was - at least I think I was - quite pretty as a younger woman, and at 50 I like to think I'm still attractive. But there's just no way that I am as 'hot' now as I used to be. I still look young for my age, but looking young 'for my age' now means I look about 40, which isn't exactly a spring chicken! I used to be a size 8 back when size 8's were genuinely tiny, now I'm a size 10 on a very good day. And while my skin is still good, there's the start of that sagging and slackness there for all to see.

Sometimes it bothers me, sometimes it doesn't. I think the hardest time is the 'transition' period, where your looks are fading, but you still haven't quite accepted that you're not the babe you used to be. Once it becomes obvious that there's no point deluding yourself anymore, then it gets easier. Or maybe not.

I love that famous Roald Dahl quote about beauty and how even people with 'ugly' features will always look beautiful, if they think beautiful thoughts.

It's an awful quote. It's saying that if you look ugly it's because you think ugly thoughts. Utter tripe, and a way of victim-blaming women who are perceived as unattractive, as you might expect from arch-misogynist Dahl.

Totally agree. And as per a pp, my neck going this year has been very depressing. 45 has not been a good year on the looks front generally, everything has just dropped 2 inches, my teeth have gone an odd colour and I've started to go grey. I look like utter shite.

@isabellerossignol

I was explaining to my 13 year old recently (was scolding her for saying 'Ok Karen!' to me) that I didn't realise what a harsh and sexist place the world is when I was younger because my looks protected me from it. Men were nice to me. They didn't patronise me and talk over me, they wanted to talk to me. Stupidly I thought it was because they viewed me as an equal. When I got older and invisible I realised, and I was ashamed that I hadn't noticed it.

This x a million.

I'm 50 going on 20. Two kids and FT work all my life. I'm a bit more tired. But I now look old on photos 😢

@Pelleas, I hadn't thought of it that way, but I do see your point... I interpreted it to mean that there is no such thing as a physically ugly person, just ugly thoughts, but it lends itself to that much less pleasant interpretation too.

I also think coronavirus can't have helped on the looks front. Not that looks are the prime consideration when thinking about a pandemic but you know. Aside from the lack of beauty salons, hairdressers, cosmetic shops, dentists etc, the stress won't have helped.

@LadyPrigsbottom It's something a lot of people come out with if they are trying to console someone who isn't very attractive, but even the most charitable interpretation is that Dahl didn't think it through.

If you're a teenager and a group of lads, strangers, have just shouted insults about your looks as you walk past them, the last thing you need is to read that it must be because you 'think ugly thoughts'. That stunning girl in your class at school who everyone fancies and falls over themselves to be nice to - the same one who bullies you all the time because you look like a misfit- is she thinking beautiful thoughts?

It is a fact that some people aren't conventionally attractive. They may have other brilliant qualities, they may look 'interesting' or 'intelligent' or 'quirky', they might make the best of what they have but sadly, as many of us know, you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear and it's better to be realistic about that and encourage people to be proud of their other qualities, than try to gloss over it with the 'beauty comes from within' nonsense.

Maybe a benefit of being ugly is I never had anything to lose

I felt this strongly at first but as I’ve aged further I’ve learnt there are many many advantages and I don’t require admiration (except from my partner!)

Wait till you get to 56!
My body is fine, i'm the same weight i was at 17, but shit.. my face!
I used to do catwalk modelling and have had some beautiful partners, until the last one!.. and now i'm invisible, and newly single again.. so i've just got to get on with it and find happiness and fulfilment elsewhere

@DDIJ please trust me when I say you are not the ugly one in your situation

Totally hear you OP. I’m terrified by all of it. Late 20s - 40 has flown past like warp speed. Bringing up kids, family bereavements and very stressful time with DH and his job.

I’m 41 now and although I’ve never been a natural beauty, I know I’m looking reasonably ok at the moment. I need to lose weight which is a total fucking nightmare, but if I don’t get on it now it’ll be worse in a few years.

Time just goes by so, so fast as you age and this is what’s making it hard to deal with, balanced with the fact that I know I’ll soon be over the hill. 2020 is a year wasted! This time next year I’ll be nearly 42. I know my husband will eventually go off me. I’m not particularly happy or secure in my marriage as DH has given me a difficult ride. But I know that no one else would ever touch me!

The thing is I notice women older than me who are so attractive quite often. I font think that being older makes you unattractive at all. I KNOW Zits about the whole package! However, it terrifies and depresses me beyond words.

I’m scared about the menopause. Absolutely petrified! I only ever hear horror stories and it fills me with dread.

This is just my thoughts and fears, and I know that people in real life would probably be really surprised I feel this way! It’s horrible though. Really scary to think I might only have 10 years left before the rest of my life becomes a physical downhill struggle. I know it’s not like that for everyone, but when your brain hasn’t caught up with your body aging it’s a bit of a shocker.

I keep seeing pictures of people I went to school with and can’t understand why they are always middle aged!!!!

I really do believe it’s do much harder on women.

I wish so much there was a pill I could take that would just obliterate all these stupid thoughts.

@Pelleas Totally agree. Not everyone is physically attractive, just as not everyone is good at chemistry or at playing the piano or speaking French. Some people are downright ugly. They could be wonderful people, highly intelligent or brilliant at quantum physics, but that doesn't make them beautiful. And that's fine. Much better to acknowlege that physical atractiveness is just one attribute among many (and is going to fade with time in any case) rather than indulging in all those 'beauty is only skin-deep platitudes' which nobody is actually fooled by, but ironically make physical beauty seem so much more important than it really is.

When I was young, I knew I was attractive. Not supermodel material but pretty goodlooking. Now I'm nearing 50, overweight, bad teeth, grey hair because I can't be arsed to dye it constantly. Part of me enjoys being "invisible" and not having to worry that some random sleazebag might try to hit on me - but part of me mourns my former good looks. I look at pics from my younger days and I WISH I could time travel back and tell my younger self to enjoy that face and body because it won't last forever!

I can't even use having had children as an excuse. I'm size 18-20, a creaky, massive boobed and bellied mess. My face looks like it's melting and don't get me started on the saggy neck and chins. I don't recognise this bloated stranger with features that are becoming ever more masculine with age. WTF is that all about?

Yet I look at pictures of me in my teens and 20s - I was insecure then as I was around a small size 14 in the waify 90s - and I can say I was a looker. Long slim legs for a shortie, long shiny natural mahogany brown hair, killer cheekbones. Never short of attention but I suppose that's not the point. Didn't know what I had till it went. Now I just look like some crazy old witch.

@Redleathertrousers - what a cruel post. Think about @DDIJ’s post. This is a person who is clearly struggling. They don’t need victim blaming comments. @DDIJ - as others have said, ugly things have happened to you - doesn’t make you less beautiful

I do feel a bit crap now im.42 and trying to loose weight. However, i think as women we are trained to feel bad about our looks...how else would the beauty industry make money? Looking back i have always felt shite about my looks...
Teens i felt ugly as boys at school told me i was and i had spots ( i actually had a great figure and was pretty.)
In my 20s i had an eating disorder plus a decade of being plump due to medication. In my 30s i struggled with my post baby body ( c- section overhang) u till i went on a health kick and lost lots of weight.
In my 40s i am slightly ovetweight with wrinkles but dp still finds me attractive.
I hate going past groups of men still. ( always did) and its reassuring to feel that they probably won't leer) I feel kind of sorry for hot chicks walking past building sites etc now.
Helen Mirren, Nigela Lawson, Judi Dench, the Queen etc all look fabulous and a lot better than insta models with fake lips.

I know what you mean OP. 38 this year, two toddlers, stressful few years and post baby weight gain... I do miss being young and attractive - flirting - that feeling when you know someone is chatting you up/ checking you out and feeling good walking down the street..

Of course there are more important things but it’s quite hard to come to terms with the fact your youth is essentially over and you are becoming steadily more invisible! I no longer feel like a sexual being as such - I’m not hideous but much less attractive than 10 years ago and am going to have to put a lot more effort in if I want to maintain a semblance of attractiveness! 😱

Never had this problem!, wellI mean if i never had them in the first place!...

I don’t look much different (although maybe my eyesight is fading too 😂) However I have loads of confidence and much more money than I did 20 years ago, (for amazing hair and skincare) I am definitely not invisible.

Exactly, @IcedPurple. If you're rubbish at maths, can't even add up, nobody tries to tell you that thinking beautiful thoughts will win you the Fields Medal. They'd tell you to focus on your gift for art, sports, languages etc. instead. And that's where we need to get to with looks.

Was a stunning head turner up to 40. Still getting id'd and hit on.

At nearly 42 a fat old trout. Cant be sure if it was three kids in quick succession plus a load of stress due to stuff going on that accelerated aging or just plain aging.

Cant say its hit me as hard as I thought it would do but it does stink a bit, I cant lie

I feel this. I’m 55 now and have become invisible. It has been shocking to see how quickly my face has crumbled.

Weirdly I prefer it. I found the constant sexual undertone when dealing with men mortifying and got a lot of street harassment leering pervy comments and being asked out when I didn’t want to be etc when younger. Now 45 and it’s a relief that has gone.